Do I believe God sends His angels here to help us in Human form? Yes. When
this horrible nightmare began I ran into quite a few in a very unlikely place.
But there has been one in particular who has stuck this out with me and I wanted
to thank her.
Like most angels, I've never seen her, never spoke to her (that I know of), never met her (that I know of), in all manners of the word she is a complete stranger to me EXCEPT shortly after Andy died I recieved a gift from her in the mail, a book and a beautiful cd with songs that I could definitely relate to with just a short note that said so much. Now I know there is no way she could have known my birthday was yesterday but somehow for my birthday I recieved a second gift in the mail..a second booklette.
Dear L you couldn't have had more perfect timing. Thank you from the bottom of what is left of my heart. All I wanted to do yesterday, and the days preceeding and somewhat still now was run...get away...as if somehow I could either run away from the pain or perhaps find Andy out there somewhere. But as the booklette said and was right on target I cannot not grieve. I can go anyplace in the world but this pain is inside of me and it will be with me until I work through it. It was also timed perfectly because I am right at that point where the shock is come and go..and when it goes it hurts so bad! I want to crawl back into it and stay there because to accept that he's gone is letting him go and that is just too painful. I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT! I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT...I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!!. I know I have said it but I mean I don't want to mean it. I don't want to feel it...I don't want to do more than just "recite" it as if it's a script. I went off of the ativan because it made me feel TOO numb yet not numb enough if that makes any sense and now take valium as needed and I try to hold off on that as much as possible. I'm TRYING to let myself feel this. I'm also terrified that these fugues will get worse but the booklette reassured me that the memory lapses are common with extreme loss. I'm not sure common was the correct word but suffice it to say that it made me a bit less worried...it's not the same as when it just happens to some people...so less likely that I"m going to just up and forget my life, as I have read can happen and was my fear.. It explained that many people in my situation do experience these and they will or should lessen with time or become shorter or less often or both.
If I had to evaluate myself I'd guess I'm still more in shock than not but it's moving more and more to the other. Because on those now I'd say blessed days of not feeling it will suddenly hit me He's gone..he's gone, My baby is gone and I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. WHY!? WHY HIM? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE? I DON'T THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS!
Then I also think, and I realize some people don't believe in this but early on he would "speak" to me fairly often and give us really clear signs he was still with us. Those have become very rare now. I thought that perhaps it was the ativan, another reason I stopped it. But I'm still not hearing him. Part of me is scared that he's angry with me. That I let him down. That I failed him. Maybe I could have saved him? But if that were the case then why was he so there for me/us in the beginning? So the only other answer is he is distancing himself so I don't keep holding on. :( It makes sense. There's the occasional sign here and there but nothing like before and if one believes in that which I do because I've experienced it all my life. (Not dial a psychic or ouji boards...those are either fake or BAD...if God wants them to contact us HE will initiate it...we should not...had to spell that out for anyone who believes and might think about trying to contact them. WHEN YOU CONTACT THEM YOU CAN BE FOOLED...YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE GETTING AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IT ISN'T GOOD) Anyway..it seems he and God must feel that it's time for me to grieve, time for me to start letting go whether I like it or not. I haven't finished the booklette. I hope it tells me how because I don't know how. As crazy as it sounds I'd rather stay stuck in shock...waiting for God's miracle and Andy to walk through the front door. I know it can happen. He raised Lazarus from the dead! But I also know that the more time that passes the less likely that is to happen. I knew that it was very unlikely to happen in the first place but I believe and hope. Then I get upset with myself because how could I, especially after this long, ask or want my son to leave paradise with Jesus just for my comfort? It's one thing to think "If you had the option of not going, as some near death patients have said (not most) then why didn't you stay!!!!!!" but it's too late for that too.
This is part of why I get NO SLEEP now. I got little before but now I can't not until I just pass out. My mind is constantly going through each and every possible even if it is far reaching and only in the slightest but if it's possible scenario of the morning of January 30th and the days even months leading up to it. All the what if's, the possibilities and now the never will be's. I hold on to one of my conversations with him (after his death). In it he was telling me how Amazing it is there but that it was impossible to describe. He also told me that WE ALL WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER SOON. When I asked how soon? He again just said soon. Now you would have to understand how my son and I would have conversations when he was alive...this was typical. So I asked "Andy, soon as in God's time or soon as in our time here on Earth?" And he said "Mom all I can tell you is that we will all be back together real soon." ARGH!!!!!! Of course I understand...the Bible says we won't know the exact hour...basically he wouldn't be allowed to tell me. I'm hoping and praying that by what he DID say that maybe there is something to all this Dec 22 2012 stuff...I'm praying the Rapture is REAL SOON. (OUR TIME!)
I realize to so many everything I'm saying sounds like I've gone off the deep end. Honestly I feel like I've gone off the deep end. Probably not for the same reasons some readers might think but I do feel like it. If I TRY to hold back the grief then my body takes over. I have no choice in it. Those fugues happen, my health gets far worse, I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything but thoughts about him. I've found only two things that help me 1) is my "God walks" which I can't do here. Those are my most cherished times when I'm at the ocean and I get up before dawn and go out and walk the beach and spend time just me and God...greeting the new day and hopefully the sunrise over the ocean but I do it on rainy days too. At no time do I feel closer to God and more at peace. the 2) is riding my bike but not around home because there are too many memories and the scenery is just too familliar and ...well...boring. And I need to ride far. Which my body won't let me do at the moment. Also it seems when I need it the most it's either the middle of the night, too hot or raining. Even with the pain, if I had enough money in my pocket for a campstove (lost mine somehow) and campgrounds and food along the way or hotels would be nice I'd go. I'd hop on my bike and ride til I couldn't ride any further then eat and sleep, spend time with my thoughts and God and get up as soon as I could and keep going. Sort of like Forrest Gump only cycling instead of running.
I should go through his things. I can't. I don't want to pack him away like he never existed. I don't want his life with me, with us to be over. I don't want to do anything to finalize that.
Anger..oh boy. At times I'm angry with myself, with my husband, with his friends, with Andy himself, with God. I am ALWAYS angry with the doctor's...ALWAYS and I feel that certain one's of them are responsible and should be held responsible but so far I can't get an atty to take the case because of his autopsy..which itself is screwy. It reported one thing that I'm 99% sure was NOT there...I'll give that 1% chance that I missed it because of being so upset but I'm just sure it wasn't. But that aside it did not find any of his other medications in his system that I KNOW for a fact he was and did take, because I saw him take them and helped him with some of them myself when I was not distraught. I almost think they got his autopsy switched with someone elses. I'm angry with some people who feel the need to spread mean rumors they know nothing about, the rumors are wrong and they are simply cruel bullies who are hurting a family who is deeply hurting already...including his little sister.. And one of these people is a sherriff! Someone we are suppose to be able to teach our children to trust...someone who is suppose to help, serve, protect...not gossip and hurt. This man does not deserve to wear the badge or the uniform. I support capitalism but I'm angry that greed and money mean more to some businesses and our current govt than people's lives. The fentanyl patch should NOT be on the market. Fentanyl should be used in the hospital via IV only. It is a very strong and helpful pain medication. It is needed. But ipatients who need this medication are sick enough that they should be in the hospital and this medication is so potent that it should be constantly supervised by very knowledgable professionals. Andy was miserable and he should have been in the hospital. It was very difficult on him and us for him being at home. He needed round the clock care and his bedroom was upstairs while everything else including the bathroom was downstairs. HE COULDN'T WALK! He was at great fall risk and had fallen many times including down the stairs which Im sure only made his injury worse and his pain as well. Doctor's need to LISTEN to their patients and trust what they tell them. If they expect us to put our lives in their hands then they have to listen and trust us as much as they expect us to listen and trust them. If they had not dismissed what we had been telling them about Andy's symptoms for 4 months at least...actually more but that they were getting much worse...I know he would still be here.
Whew...this is why it's so hard to grieve. There is so much going on in our heads and hearts. A flood of feelings and thoughts and emotions. ALL of it is painful to us and a lot of it will be painful to others if we just let it go. Grieving feels selfish.. I'm stuck in this house with all these memories everywhere, including the worst of all, that I can't get out of my head, seeing my son's lifeless body, even the smell...everything...24/7. I'm not suppose to drive. Obviously shouldn't since I don't sleep regardless of the other medical reasons. I want so badly for someone to be there for me, to come and get me and be able to stand to be around me while I grieve. To go get a coke and sit in park and just talk or go for a drive or...anything. Who can handle my tears and whatever I might say or even silence. But that's unfair to ask of anyone. I know everyone else is busy living. They have their own busy lives and issues and problems and joys and the last thing they want as so many would put it is "more drama". so I just don't talk much to anyone. The booklette pointed out that many people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. The same holds true for the person grieving...at least for me. I don't know what to say to people. My only real clear thought is "My son died and i want him back!" I'd be like a broken record..perhaps repeating the same thing in various ways but the same thng none the less. I WANT MY SON BACK! HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT MY SON? Don't bother answering that because your answer won't be good enough...right now no answer is. I cannot imagine or see going on without my son. I know the only answer to that is one word Caitlyn. My children are EVERYTHING to me. It feels as if I have had half my heart ripped right out of my chest...and I'm trying so hard to live with just half a heart because that half is so very important...just as important and loved as the part that is gone but how do you live with half a heart?
I've probably said more than enough for tonight. I've wrote all night long. The sun is now up and Derek will be home in less than an hour. I'm thinking maybe I can get him to run me out to the cemetary to have breakfast with my son before he has to go to sleep. I intended to write both on here and on my blog because I honestly am not sure where my Angel found me and I really want most of all for her to know how very much she is helping me and how truly thankful I am. I don't know how you happened upone me or cared enough to go out of your way for a total stranger. But I thank God you did.. No matter how crazy I sound, you my beautiful angel are a very special creature of God. Our world needs more people like you. I pray that God showers you with His joyful blessings. His light shines so brightly through you and I"ve no doubt you ignite a spark in everyone you have some kind of contact with.
Bless you and thank you again Angel L
Much Love and (((HUGS))))
Like most angels, I've never seen her, never spoke to her (that I know of), never met her (that I know of), in all manners of the word she is a complete stranger to me EXCEPT shortly after Andy died I recieved a gift from her in the mail, a book and a beautiful cd with songs that I could definitely relate to with just a short note that said so much. Now I know there is no way she could have known my birthday was yesterday but somehow for my birthday I recieved a second gift in the mail..a second booklette.
Dear L you couldn't have had more perfect timing. Thank you from the bottom of what is left of my heart. All I wanted to do yesterday, and the days preceeding and somewhat still now was run...get away...as if somehow I could either run away from the pain or perhaps find Andy out there somewhere. But as the booklette said and was right on target I cannot not grieve. I can go anyplace in the world but this pain is inside of me and it will be with me until I work through it. It was also timed perfectly because I am right at that point where the shock is come and go..and when it goes it hurts so bad! I want to crawl back into it and stay there because to accept that he's gone is letting him go and that is just too painful. I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT! I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT...I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!!. I know I have said it but I mean I don't want to mean it. I don't want to feel it...I don't want to do more than just "recite" it as if it's a script. I went off of the ativan because it made me feel TOO numb yet not numb enough if that makes any sense and now take valium as needed and I try to hold off on that as much as possible. I'm TRYING to let myself feel this. I'm also terrified that these fugues will get worse but the booklette reassured me that the memory lapses are common with extreme loss. I'm not sure common was the correct word but suffice it to say that it made me a bit less worried...it's not the same as when it just happens to some people...so less likely that I"m going to just up and forget my life, as I have read can happen and was my fear.. It explained that many people in my situation do experience these and they will or should lessen with time or become shorter or less often or both.
If I had to evaluate myself I'd guess I'm still more in shock than not but it's moving more and more to the other. Because on those now I'd say blessed days of not feeling it will suddenly hit me He's gone..he's gone, My baby is gone and I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. WHY!? WHY HIM? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE? I DON'T THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS!
Then I also think, and I realize some people don't believe in this but early on he would "speak" to me fairly often and give us really clear signs he was still with us. Those have become very rare now. I thought that perhaps it was the ativan, another reason I stopped it. But I'm still not hearing him. Part of me is scared that he's angry with me. That I let him down. That I failed him. Maybe I could have saved him? But if that were the case then why was he so there for me/us in the beginning? So the only other answer is he is distancing himself so I don't keep holding on. :( It makes sense. There's the occasional sign here and there but nothing like before and if one believes in that which I do because I've experienced it all my life. (Not dial a psychic or ouji boards...those are either fake or BAD...if God wants them to contact us HE will initiate it...we should not...had to spell that out for anyone who believes and might think about trying to contact them. WHEN YOU CONTACT THEM YOU CAN BE FOOLED...YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE GETTING AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IT ISN'T GOOD) Anyway..it seems he and God must feel that it's time for me to grieve, time for me to start letting go whether I like it or not. I haven't finished the booklette. I hope it tells me how because I don't know how. As crazy as it sounds I'd rather stay stuck in shock...waiting for God's miracle and Andy to walk through the front door. I know it can happen. He raised Lazarus from the dead! But I also know that the more time that passes the less likely that is to happen. I knew that it was very unlikely to happen in the first place but I believe and hope. Then I get upset with myself because how could I, especially after this long, ask or want my son to leave paradise with Jesus just for my comfort? It's one thing to think "If you had the option of not going, as some near death patients have said (not most) then why didn't you stay!!!!!!" but it's too late for that too.
This is part of why I get NO SLEEP now. I got little before but now I can't not until I just pass out. My mind is constantly going through each and every possible even if it is far reaching and only in the slightest but if it's possible scenario of the morning of January 30th and the days even months leading up to it. All the what if's, the possibilities and now the never will be's. I hold on to one of my conversations with him (after his death). In it he was telling me how Amazing it is there but that it was impossible to describe. He also told me that WE ALL WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER SOON. When I asked how soon? He again just said soon. Now you would have to understand how my son and I would have conversations when he was alive...this was typical. So I asked "Andy, soon as in God's time or soon as in our time here on Earth?" And he said "Mom all I can tell you is that we will all be back together real soon." ARGH!!!!!! Of course I understand...the Bible says we won't know the exact hour...basically he wouldn't be allowed to tell me. I'm hoping and praying that by what he DID say that maybe there is something to all this Dec 22 2012 stuff...I'm praying the Rapture is REAL SOON. (OUR TIME!)
I realize to so many everything I'm saying sounds like I've gone off the deep end. Honestly I feel like I've gone off the deep end. Probably not for the same reasons some readers might think but I do feel like it. If I TRY to hold back the grief then my body takes over. I have no choice in it. Those fugues happen, my health gets far worse, I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything but thoughts about him. I've found only two things that help me 1) is my "God walks" which I can't do here. Those are my most cherished times when I'm at the ocean and I get up before dawn and go out and walk the beach and spend time just me and God...greeting the new day and hopefully the sunrise over the ocean but I do it on rainy days too. At no time do I feel closer to God and more at peace. the 2) is riding my bike but not around home because there are too many memories and the scenery is just too familliar and ...well...boring. And I need to ride far. Which my body won't let me do at the moment. Also it seems when I need it the most it's either the middle of the night, too hot or raining. Even with the pain, if I had enough money in my pocket for a campstove (lost mine somehow) and campgrounds and food along the way or hotels would be nice I'd go. I'd hop on my bike and ride til I couldn't ride any further then eat and sleep, spend time with my thoughts and God and get up as soon as I could and keep going. Sort of like Forrest Gump only cycling instead of running.
I should go through his things. I can't. I don't want to pack him away like he never existed. I don't want his life with me, with us to be over. I don't want to do anything to finalize that.
Anger..oh boy. At times I'm angry with myself, with my husband, with his friends, with Andy himself, with God. I am ALWAYS angry with the doctor's...ALWAYS and I feel that certain one's of them are responsible and should be held responsible but so far I can't get an atty to take the case because of his autopsy..which itself is screwy. It reported one thing that I'm 99% sure was NOT there...I'll give that 1% chance that I missed it because of being so upset but I'm just sure it wasn't. But that aside it did not find any of his other medications in his system that I KNOW for a fact he was and did take, because I saw him take them and helped him with some of them myself when I was not distraught. I almost think they got his autopsy switched with someone elses. I'm angry with some people who feel the need to spread mean rumors they know nothing about, the rumors are wrong and they are simply cruel bullies who are hurting a family who is deeply hurting already...including his little sister.. And one of these people is a sherriff! Someone we are suppose to be able to teach our children to trust...someone who is suppose to help, serve, protect...not gossip and hurt. This man does not deserve to wear the badge or the uniform. I support capitalism but I'm angry that greed and money mean more to some businesses and our current govt than people's lives. The fentanyl patch should NOT be on the market. Fentanyl should be used in the hospital via IV only. It is a very strong and helpful pain medication. It is needed. But ipatients who need this medication are sick enough that they should be in the hospital and this medication is so potent that it should be constantly supervised by very knowledgable professionals. Andy was miserable and he should have been in the hospital. It was very difficult on him and us for him being at home. He needed round the clock care and his bedroom was upstairs while everything else including the bathroom was downstairs. HE COULDN'T WALK! He was at great fall risk and had fallen many times including down the stairs which Im sure only made his injury worse and his pain as well. Doctor's need to LISTEN to their patients and trust what they tell them. If they expect us to put our lives in their hands then they have to listen and trust us as much as they expect us to listen and trust them. If they had not dismissed what we had been telling them about Andy's symptoms for 4 months at least...actually more but that they were getting much worse...I know he would still be here.
Whew...this is why it's so hard to grieve. There is so much going on in our heads and hearts. A flood of feelings and thoughts and emotions. ALL of it is painful to us and a lot of it will be painful to others if we just let it go. Grieving feels selfish.. I'm stuck in this house with all these memories everywhere, including the worst of all, that I can't get out of my head, seeing my son's lifeless body, even the smell...everything...24/7. I'm not suppose to drive. Obviously shouldn't since I don't sleep regardless of the other medical reasons. I want so badly for someone to be there for me, to come and get me and be able to stand to be around me while I grieve. To go get a coke and sit in park and just talk or go for a drive or...anything. Who can handle my tears and whatever I might say or even silence. But that's unfair to ask of anyone. I know everyone else is busy living. They have their own busy lives and issues and problems and joys and the last thing they want as so many would put it is "more drama". so I just don't talk much to anyone. The booklette pointed out that many people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. The same holds true for the person grieving...at least for me. I don't know what to say to people. My only real clear thought is "My son died and i want him back!" I'd be like a broken record..perhaps repeating the same thing in various ways but the same thng none the less. I WANT MY SON BACK! HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT MY SON? Don't bother answering that because your answer won't be good enough...right now no answer is. I cannot imagine or see going on without my son. I know the only answer to that is one word Caitlyn. My children are EVERYTHING to me. It feels as if I have had half my heart ripped right out of my chest...and I'm trying so hard to live with just half a heart because that half is so very important...just as important and loved as the part that is gone but how do you live with half a heart?
I've probably said more than enough for tonight. I've wrote all night long. The sun is now up and Derek will be home in less than an hour. I'm thinking maybe I can get him to run me out to the cemetary to have breakfast with my son before he has to go to sleep. I intended to write both on here and on my blog because I honestly am not sure where my Angel found me and I really want most of all for her to know how very much she is helping me and how truly thankful I am. I don't know how you happened upone me or cared enough to go out of your way for a total stranger. But I thank God you did.. No matter how crazy I sound, you my beautiful angel are a very special creature of God. Our world needs more people like you. I pray that God showers you with His joyful blessings. His light shines so brightly through you and I"ve no doubt you ignite a spark in everyone you have some kind of contact with.
Bless you and thank you again Angel L
Much Love and (((HUGS))))
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