" The despair and pain that follow a child’s death is thought by many to exceed all other experiences. "
This is a quote found repeatedly in articles pertaining to how to deal with the loss of a child. I've searched and searched for some hope that this will get easier and the only hope I've found is that there are others who are surviving it. Not exactly the encouragement I'd hoped for. I've only just begun to learn to deal with PSTD from emotional and physical traama in my past as it was. And people try to tell me that God won't give me more than I can handle? Everything I know, every ounce of my being is in question at this point in my life, serving only to make me feel all the more guilty. Guilty because I felt that I already had so little to give, now..now what do I have? If I wasn't already needy enough..
The interesting, albeit scary thing I've found out is that the human body has natural mechanisms that can kick in to protect itself from things that are too emotionally traumatic. Most of us have heard of the adrenaline rush and stories where a mother was able to pick a car up on her own to rescue her child who was trapped underneath it, and things like that. But it goes much further as I have found out. In my case my brain goes into a disassociative fuge amnesia. It's sort of like my brain checks out for a while or you could say that I literally surrender ALL to God to the point where I don't remember what has taken place during the time when He is in the the drivers seat so to speak. It's happened twice already just while trying to write this entry.
While it is nice to not feel the pain of missing him for a while, it's not like I'm living a life happily in that state. I have no idea where my mind goes when it's gone and in worse case scenario, this is the same thing that you read about that causes people to wander away from their lives and start entirely new lives with intrely new identities until someone happens to recognize them and takes them home.
The thing is I don't know how to get through this! I'm seeing a grief counselor. I'm on medications. I've followed my doctor's advice the best of my my abilities. Yet it's just getting worse. How do I even begin to put my life back together again? Or do I? Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not suppose to TRY. Maybe I'm suppose to just feel..allow myself to grieve and see if a wonderful omlette comes from the scrambled disaster of this nightmare? I wonder...is this why they make all the childrens fairy tales so frightening? Are they to prepare us for adulthood?
Love,
Mom
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