ALL THE LITTLE THINGS



When someone passes there is always the task of sorting thru and packing up their belongings, deciding what to keep and what to part with. This is an emotionally taxing chore for the loved one's left behind but with older people such as parents and grandparents they often have much of this taken care of already, perhaps through a will or at least in discussions over the course of the years. But when a young person passes this is an entirely different situation. Each article holds within it the "now" and the "future". It's not suppose to be going to someone else. It's suppose to be being used by him or her! For instance this past Christmas, just a month before my Andy passed we all got new cell phones. 4G Androids which Andy had really been looking forward too. (He lived attatched to his phone. As an after thought I probably should have buried him with it he loved it so much) Now I'm pretty sure we have video's with him in it where I can hear his voice but the easiest way is to call his phone and listen to his voicemail pick up anytime I feel the need to hear him so up til now we have left it turned on. Today we were discussing whether or not to have it turned off. This is one of those little things that would seem an easy decision to most. The practical thing to do would be obvious, why pay money to have a phone on that nobody is going to use? Yet to me, turning it off is like losing yet another little bit of him. It's the same with his clothes. He has pefectly good clothes still sitting in his room that someone could be getting good use out of but I can't bring myself to part with them. At least not yet. The very idea of letting them go, of someone else wearing them means me having to admit to my brain and in my heart that he really is not coming back. I KNOW this but I don't want to know it. I don't want to face it or accept it and I guess by leaving everything just as he left it I'm sort of hoping he will come back to it. I realize it makes very little sense but it's just how it is. I still have dirty laundry of his that I don't want to wash because it smells like him and it makes it seem like he is still here if I don't. There are so many little things everywhere when a young person passes. It's a life that just stopped in the middle of living, unprepared to end...just as I am unprepared to accept that he is gone.