Do you remember the day when your child first left you to go to school? Did you cry? Did the house seem painfully silent? Or for those who have children who have left home for college or to start their own lives do you remember how hard that was? Did you want to call them constantly? Find reason's to visit them as often as possible? Couldn't wait til you got to see them?
As mother's from the time they are conceived they are part of us and we are part of them. Our bodies are tuned into them. We can sense when they need us. We can even understand their coo's and cries as babies and distinguish our own out of a room full of babies. Our bodies are made so our milk automatically lets down when they are hungry and produces exactly what they need and we somehow get that added adrenaline needed when they are sick to be able to stay up and by their side. Mother's have even been known to be able to lift entire cars off their children single handily when the need called for it.
So HOW does a mother survive when one of her children dies? The pain just grows and grows. It doesn't get easier. I'm just barely holding on and no one knows. I have to tell myself "just make it through one more day...just one more day." Are these moments of missing time I experience God's best gift of compassion? Sparing me hours here and there from the emotional turmoil inside of me? And what kind of mother is that for my daughter? If I try to fight it and try to go about a "normal" routine the time lapses get worse.
I try and try to find a way through this or answers that make it OK but there are none. I was blessed. I had two beautiful, brilliant, compassionate, caring, loving children. They never even fought with each other! Both of them care(ed) about people, genuinely cared. They hold/held no prejudices. They love God. Even when other's treated them unfairly they didn't let that cause them to be mean or unfair. Some people would tell me that that was just good upbringing. Huh...well...that was what I taught them yes but they far surpassed me. It's like it's automatic to them. Unlike me who has to strive to turn the other cheek sometimes and I don't always succeed. I was BLESSED, They see the sadness and problems in our world and want to make it a better place. And Andy was just about to go out into the world and MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE.. One of his inner struggles was how could he become a lawyer and work his way into politics and maintain his integrity and honesty? That was his desire, his planned route to make some changes. He also wanted very badly to marry and raise a family. He KNEW the intricate responsibilities he was intending to take on. Further the person he planned on marrying was from Switzerland and they wanted to raise their children in Swiss schools so he had to figure out how to work that in..how could he be a lawyer there and support his family well and still network to enter politics here? His mind was always planning planning planning....and always for the best for others. I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for him! It was Andy who noticed something was wrong and called for help when my fever was near 105. It was always him who could tell that something wasn't right and call the doctor's attention to it. Why wouldn't the doctor's listen to me when the roles were reversed? :( Why would God take such a person from this world? My sister had the one answer that made some sense...Satan took him because taking him would shake so many of us so badly and our faith in God...make us angry with Him. And that's true to some extent..why didn't God fight for him? Why didn't God draw the line like He did with Job and say you can't take his life?
My only glimmer of hope, to some will sound crazy (literally) is not long after he passed I heard him. I heard Andy speak to me and among the things he said he told me "I'm okay mom. I'm more than okay, it's AMAZING HERE. too amazing to describe for you to understand" and I told him that I missed him so badly and how much I loved him and he said "I know. I love you too mom. It'll be okay. You'll ALL be with me soon. We will all be back together soon." Then I asked "soon? How soon?" and he just said "soon" I said "soon as in our soon or God's time soon" and again he just kind of laughed and said "soon mom soon" and that was the end of that conversation. So I am clinging to the hope that I'm not crazy and I did hear my son and that since he said "we will ALL be back together soon" and given the December 22 2012 thing and all the predictions etc...I'm PRAYING he was telling me that the Rapture is coming soon. If I hold onto that...I can do this..I can appreciate the beauty of this world for a few more months without my son if I cling to this. But these losses of time and stuff are making it hard to believe that I'm not going crazy.Thankfully though...if I am going crazy...so are a few other people. ;) God loves us..open your heart to Him and He will fill it til it's spilling over...let it spill over on everyone around you. Don't worry about whether they are "deserving" or not! His love might just transform someone you thought was undeserving. ;) Do I still ache for my son with every fiber of my being? You bet...but I'm clinging to the hope that it won't be much longer......and oh how GLORIOUS THAT DAY WILL BE!
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