FENTANYL CRISIS

 She had a headache.  Her friend gave her a pill that said  "For pain" ,  It was the wrong pill.  Her friend found that out when she couldn't wake her two hours later.  She was gone.

He was at a party when a friend handed him a pill and said "Try this, it will help you loosen up".  "I don't do drugs" he replied.  "It's nothing hard just  a low dose klonopin.  Trust me it will just help you relax, nothing weird"  His friend insisted.  He took this pill.  It was the wrong pill.  This klonopin was laced with fentanyl.  He fell asleep and never woke up.

My son was twenty, just shy of his 21rst birthday.  We hadn't heard from him all day.  We figured he was finally sleeping.  He'd been having problems due to pain in his back from a football injury to his pelvis.  When I noticed that he hadn't touched his dinner from the night before I began to worry.  I asked my husband to check on him.  That's when our world was turned upside down.  The fentanyl patch he had been prescribed had had a crack in it and that caused it to release an unsteady and this time deadly amount of medication.  A medication over 80x's stronger than morphine.  He had been playing a video game with a friend online, took a break and fell asleep.  He never woke up.  My beautiful caring and incredibly smart son, my first born had fallen asleep after the patch he was wearing released too much fentanyl into his system and he was gone.  Forever.

It's  been 12 years today that my son passed away and to the people who say time heals all things- I can tell you, you're wrong.  Ask any parent who has lost a child.  I've not met any other parent who ever stopped grieving the loss of their child.  We learn to live with the pain sure.  We really have no choice or rather no "good" choice.  I also know of parents who did make "the other choice" .  You know, that permanent one that nobody speaks of.  These days you probably know of someone who has lost a child to fentanyl.  

My son's patch was prescribed by a pain management doctor.  He was uneducated or given the wrong informantion about this particular medication.  I don't know which all I know is that everything he told us from day one was the complete opposite of the truth.  He should have never even been prescribed  fentanyl due to central sleep apnea  But hindsight is 20/20.  If only I had researched this drug like I always did/do but this time for whatever reason  I didn't.  

II'm not writing this one about that horrible night though, not directly.  I am writing this to plead with everyone to push our president to CLOSE THE SOUTHERN BORDER!  As I stated above, fentanyl is over 80x's stronger than morphine.  Further it is processed by our bodies in a less typical way..  Which, avoiding the technical jabber, means that it doesn't work right away like most opiods do.  It takes a few days.  That in and of itself is dangerous, an extremely powerful drug that doesn't work like most others of it's kind do.  People take it or apply the patch and when they don't get relief in a reasonable amount of time they think it's not enough for them and take more and the next thing you know a loved one is gone forever.  It is my belief that this powerful medication should ONLY be given in a hospital under close  supervision.

Further, since our current administration doesn't seem to care about  the epic amount of other drugs laced with fentanyl being brought in over our southern border we need to do two things immediately- either remove them from office or pressure them until they close the border.  And starter a greater campaign to educate the general public of this problem in detail.  Many parents think "Kids will be kids.  They are going to experiment, after all we did"  Well folks times have changed in case you haven't' noticed.  PLEASE PLEASE  do your research and talk to your kids!  Telling them not to do drugs isn't enough.  be careful not to put them on the defense.  Ask them if they know anyone who has been affected by this?  Ask them to educate you and if they can't then tell them about what you have read and ask them not to experiment.  Explain to them why it just to dangerous, not worth the risk And from the heart tell them how much you love them and don't want to find out how bone wrenching painful it is to have to bury a child and not see their smile or hear their voice ever again, on this earth anyway.  Because what I'm feeling today, 12 years after my son's passing isn't a journey I'd wish on anyone.  God Bless and if you are another parent who has lost a child, my love and prayers are with you..

TIME FRIDAY JUNE 3, 2022

  Due to technical difficulties and health issues it's been a long time since I've written.  So much has happened, some good some bad but that's life,  a lesson we've all learned all to well isn't it?  Regarding my own personal grieving, I've really been thinking about how do I describe this?  It's been over 10 years now.  Sometimes that feels so long ago and other days it feels like it was just yesterday.  Over all, health aside, I think I'm doing pretty well.  Don't get me wrong, there's still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Andy over and over.  Now though I allow myself to cry for a period then count my blessings.  As I like to put it, I've learned to surf those waves that used to take me under and make me feel as if i were drowning.  Most of the time.  It seems just when you think you've got it under control ...When I got back into my blogs here for instance.  Whew!  It was a long horrible weekend, of which my body and brain have yet fully bounce back from.  I still miss my son so much but wow...reading my own feelings and such from early on this journey brought them all alive again and had me back in that WHY GOD stage.  There are times I've felt guilty for feeling happy again.  I've gone through a LOT of anger which I am sure you can see if you read some of my past blogs.  I sometimes feel like I locked all the pain and emotions involved in a room in my heart which occasionally finds a way to open again.  In fact, after my inability to control my emotions when I read my own words again I'm considering going back into grief counseling .  

I can however tell you, if you are new in this same journey go easy on yourself.  Take what others say with a grain of salt.  Actually some, just ignore them and some you're going to have to exclude from your life period.  In my own experience and those of others I've grown close to who are also facing similar loss, life will/ is very unfair sometimes and you have to do what you have to do to survive and for the sake of what family you hopefully have left.  Don't feel guilty about this.  YOU are the one who lost a child.  YOU are the one hurting in a way those who haven't cannot possibly imagine.  So why is it your place to "Put on that mask" to make them more comfortable?  Just take things minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and you will find smiles creep back, you'll catch yourself laughing again.  While I can't say your life will ever be normal again.  I honestly don't think it will.  You will find your way back to something similar.  A life that's no where near what you wish but one you can live with.  

God Bless...

BREATH

January 21...Breath...
I wish I could just somehow skip the rest of this month.  January 25, my brother's angelversarry then the 30th.  Two of the worst days in my life.  Two days that turned my world upside down.  When Jerry was killed I didn't think I could feel worse.  Boy was I wrong! 

Breath..

How does a mother get through the anniversary of her child's death?  Not to sound like a broken record but our society forces us to separate ourselves from most everyone we know/knew if we are in mourning because "it"/"they" put constraints or time limits to what THEY believe is appropriate periods of mourning and if you are "over" your loved one's death by then, well then you are being "selfish" or you have issues.  Of course none of these people have ever lost anyone close to them let alone a child but why should that make any difference? 

Breath...

I'm sorry.  It just REALLY bothers me that people would try to impose their own personal time  constraints on anyone who is suffering such great emotional loss.  What gives them the right? 

PICTURES

Well, this Saturday it will be four years since God called you home and as I look at your pictures it still seems unreal to me.  Today I made yet another one of my stupid memorial video's for you.  Yes,  I realize they are probably more for me.  I'm terrified inside because every time I look through your pictures it hits me harder-there's nothing new.  Each time these old photos become more and more familiar.  I cherish them yes, of course, without out a doubt!  But oh how I want so badly to see something new, something just taken of you.

I want to look back at your college days.  You're silly antics.  The friends you made.  And...graduation day.  I want to listen to you recall the memories made and stored within each and every one.  I want more memories of you, my son.

Looking at your smiling face, every time I wonder WHY?   Four years passed and still I'm not ready to say goodbye.  

I want o look at your wedding album and say over and over what a handsome groom your made!   And oh how we danced! Look at you looking at your blushing bride! And drank champagne. And hear about your honeymoon and how neither of you can wait to go back again!  God, I want more memories of my son!

Looking at your smiling face I think "This can't be!  He was so ALIVE!"  Not many cherish life and live it to the fullest like you did! No!  Four years gone and I still can't say goodbye.

I want to remember how you told me I was going to be a Grandmother, the first ...and the second time!  Look at the pictures and recall how she felt so big but looked so small. Pregnancy became her.  and look at you!  Look at the face when you had not one but two!  And look at them!  Nana's perfect bundles of joy!  One for each arm...YOUR girl and your boy!  Remember how she swore that was it, no more!  Oh but look at her now...that smile on her face after telling you that you you were going to need to find a bigger place.  Baby three would soon be on it's way.  I took that picture watching you watch your children play.

But these are it.  They're all I have.  No new pictures will I ever add. Still, I'm not ready to say goodbye.

PAPER MEMORIES

Holding on to paper memories

remembering details of that day

little did we know then

how soon God would take you away.

The future has become an enemy

the past a beloved friend

holding on to paper memories

WHY did it have to end?

Help me now!  

What do I do?

If I don't live in the past

I don't live with you

I do not want to move on

the past my heart forever holds

in the past my heart was happy and whole

like in the paper memories I hold...

August 6, 2015

Any more when I sit down at this keyboard I'm flooded with memories.  When I try to find the words to begin let alone a topic, the words just don't come.  Do I miss my son?  Every minute of every day.  That deep longing ache is still ever present as well.  So much has changed.

Have I gained any words of wisdom?   I can tell you some things I've learned but ultimately we all just want to know WHY?  and HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS?    I have my theories on the first but that's all they are-theories. Does it really matter though?  Or is that question merely eating you up inside?.  As for the second?  You do what you have to do to keep your head above water every minute of every day until that day comes when it becomes habit to live again.  Don't try to rush yourself because guess what?  You can't. Your relationships will change and you will lose people you never thought would walk away.  BUT some relationships will grow stronger than you ever imagined they could.  AND you'll make new ones.  These are all I can assure you.  Beyond that our walks are all unique...some choose to return to work and stay occupied there while others need a leave of absence to process and redefine all that "is" in their lives,  Some need lots of people around while others need more solitude.  Some cry a lot while others might seem almost stoic.  The point is there is not a right or wrong way to grieve the loss of your child....you just have to keep your head above water,  And when all those people are trying to tell you how you should "be", step back and ask yourself one question...have they been through it?  Chances are highly likely they haven't, so how would they know what is best?????

You'll survive. We'll get through this together.  Just have to keep your head above water and learn to surf those waves...

Spring Flowers 2015