Due to technical difficulties and health issues it's been a long time since I've written. So much has happened, some good some bad but that's life, a lesson we've all learned all to well isn't it? Regarding my own personal grieving, I've really been thinking about how do I describe this? It's been over 10 years now. Sometimes that feels so long ago and other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Over all, health aside, I think I'm doing pretty well. Don't get me wrong, there's still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Andy over and over. Now though I allow myself to cry for a period then count my blessings. As I like to put it, I've learned to surf those waves that used to take me under and make me feel as if i were drowning. Most of the time. It seems just when you think you've got it under control ...When I got back into my blogs here for instance. Whew! It was a long horrible weekend, of which my body and brain have yet fully bounce back from. I still miss my son so much but wow...reading my own feelings and such from early on this journey brought them all alive again and had me back in that WHY GOD stage. There are times I've felt guilty for feeling happy again. I've gone through a LOT of anger which I am sure you can see if you read some of my past blogs. I sometimes feel like I locked all the pain and emotions involved in a room in my heart which occasionally finds a way to open again. In fact, after my inability to control my emotions when I read my own words again I'm considering going back into grief counseling .
I can however tell you, if you are new in this same journey go easy on yourself. Take what others say with a grain of salt. Actually some, just ignore them and some you're going to have to exclude from your life period. In my own experience and those of others I've grown close to who are also facing similar loss, life will/ is very unfair sometimes and you have to do what you have to do to survive and for the sake of what family you hopefully have left. Don't feel guilty about this. YOU are the one who lost a child. YOU are the one hurting in a way those who haven't cannot possibly imagine. So why is it your place to "Put on that mask" to make them more comfortable? Just take things minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and you will find smiles creep back, you'll catch yourself laughing again. While I can't say your life will ever be normal again. I honestly don't think it will. You will find your way back to something similar. A life that's no where near what you wish but one you can live with.
God Bless...
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