Always with you

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken

Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I read something tonight that is so true, "Grief can be so crippling that it blinds you to God's presence."  I have felt so abandoned by God lately, more distant than ever before in my life.  WHY did HE take Andy from me?  WHY!  And WHY has HE taken so many others I love?  WHY is HE allowing me to hurt so badly?  WHY is HE not comforting me?  When I spend time with God I spend more time listening than talking and right now I'm not hearing Him when I need to hear Him the most WHY?

When my father passed I was up one night crying and I literally FELT Jesus' arms around me and I drifted off to sleep...as I drifted off to sleep I saw myself wrapped in his arms and there was a light surrounding us.  He was holding out one hand, and with that hand he was banishing away all the pain and  evil that was haunting me and I rested that night very peacefully.  Where is He now?  Why is He not wrapping me in his loving arms now?

This is so difficult to write because I'm honestly not to this point yet.  But I know deep down that the truth is in that sentence above.  When we lose a loved one we MUST grieve to heal.  But grieving means admitting that they are gone and I don't want to do that.  It is so unbearably painful when anything reminds me that he is gone (which is constantly) that I FEAR admitting it, facing it head on.  My heart can't accept that he is gone, it still holds on hoping that he is just lost and it can somehow find him or he will find his way home to me again.  I realize this might not make sense to many.  Just as one cannot truly understand or be fully prepared to become a parent until one becomes a parent, the same holds true with losing a child of any age.  One cannot fathrom the gut wrenching pain a mother feels unless she has experienced it herself.  It's like the great surgeon removed a very big and important part of me and forgot to sew me back up, nor did I sign any consent forms!

I want him back and to want him back from paradise makes me feel incredibly selfish.  The thing is Gos is with me and has been all along.  For instance, when my friend and I went to Florida shortly after his death just to get away I was out in the morning for one of my God walks...the morning I first got hit with the reality of it all.  Well an older man first approached me asking if he could take my picture...it was s silohette in the sunrise then as he walked back up to thank me he noticed I was crying and asked if I was okay?  I told him what was going on including how selfish I felt at the time and his words to me without hesitation were "I believe Mary wept when Jesus died so I don't think it is anything but appropriate for you to weep for your son." I have strangers looking after me. I have a sister who as busy as she is with three young granbabies and trials of her own always finds time to talk online or text ..if not right at that moment she responds soon with just the right things to say.  She gives me time to talk about Andy and permission if not encouragement to grieve for him by going through it with me.  While I'm to cripled to see or feel Him He is reaching me through people in my life.  It's ME who is resisting.

Now if only I could come up with the answer to the million dollar question...HOW?