Now and for Eternity

I don't know that I'm beginning to accept that you are actually gone but I do know that the pain of how long it's been since I last saw you, last spoke to you, last spent time with you is way to long ago.  It hurts so much and when I hurt from that THAT is when it crosses my mind that I'm never going to see you again in this life time and it makes it hurt 100 times worse.  People assure me that I WILL be happy again someday.  Not like before but it will get better.  It's even harder now than ever to believe that.  How can I possibly ever be happy again knowing you will never be part of my life ever again in this lifetime?  We were so much alike, just about anything I do I think about you and how you would like something about where I am, what I am doing or listening to or watching or how you would probably agree with me and not like it.

We just got back from visiting with Olivia and her mom in Florida (I'm sure you already knew that).  I'm sorry you couldn't physically be there.  On the way back we finally went on the lighthouse night tour in Saint Augustine.  I felt so guilty because I knew how much you wanted to do that.  It was difficult to enjoy it.  Plus, and I wish you could speak to me and tell me from your side why this is happening, I can't FEEL anything (or anyone if you know what I mean) anymore.  Maybe that's a good sign?  Maybe that means God has called all those who were "sleeping" as some believe up and the Rapture is very close?  If I'm not insane you did tell me that...God I pray that is the case!  I even volunteered to put myself in some positions to allow the spirits to try and play tricks with me-nothing.  Ha, I did accidentally scare some of the other tourists as they returned down from the top of the lighthouse.  I chose not to climb the stairs because I was hurting so I was sitting in complete darkness on a bench when they came back down...not expecting to see anyone there. You would have laughed.

We were on the road so much I didn't have many opportunities for God Walks but even the ocean wasn't as calming to me as usual.  Either He is busy preparing for the Rapture or you sure are stirring things up up there!  Knowing you...either is entirely possible.

I miss you so much.  I can't find the words to describe to someone who hasn't experienced such a deep loss how I feel inside or how everyday I realize something more I miss about you.  Baby, I know this may be a big request but if you could, would you please remind God that our time down here is longer than His up there and  I've already had to miss you so much longer than He had to miss Jesus.  Not that I'm saying His pain was any less...I'm just asking Him to keep in mind that we're human here and I know I really need His help (preferably the rapture) because this pain really is more than I can bare and I'm leaning on His promise not to give me more than I can handle.

I love you.  You are a part of me and that will never change.  Give my love to everyone and tell them I'll see them when I get home....Love, Mom