When did society do away with grieving? Society, at least ours has almost completely done away with grieving or allowing grieving which is a very necessary, difficult and long process. People who have just lost a child, a spouse or a parent, if they are lucky might get a week off of work. That's just enough to make arrangements and carry out the services! That's not even enough time for all the other necessary business that goes along with the death of an immediate family member let alone even beginning the grieving period.
For those who are Christians the Bible says in Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, Mourn with those who mourn" We are told how Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died and felt the turmoil of the loss. In the Book of Job we are told how Jobs friends stopped what they were doing and traveled to stay and comfort him. Yet I've heard of people being told by people at church after just 4 months following a loss of a child that it was time they start pulling themselves together. Traditionally widows mourned officially for 3 years and parents who lost a child indefinitely. People tend to try to stop the tears when they begin to flow. The thing is those tears need to flow, they're healing and necessary in the grieving process.
The truth is many of the well meant words people say to try and comfort someone going through the grieving process can actually add to the person's anguish and fears. When one of the biggest fears we might be facing at that moment is that our loved one will be forgotten and nobody will speak their name and everybody we run into is "moving on" that feeds that fear pretty strongly.
Please try and remember that our lives have changed so drastically in both the obvious and the not so obvious ways that it's going to take a long time to fill in a new "routine" we can feel comfortable with. At first we are facing so many things...first birthdays and holidays without them but also missing plans that we had made with them. Those still extend out into this part of our lives and with our children, well that will always be the case but hopefully once the once already set plans have passed it will get a little easier. Habits we had that involved our loved one, traditions, routines,...all of this changes all while our hearts and souls are crying to have them back.
In my case I took care of Andy through his battle with his injury. That leading to his death is difficult to deal with, it makes me feel as if I failed him. It also simply changes my entire daily and monthly routine. I worry that it may change some of my relationships. I miss little routines we had like late night we both had difficulty sleeping so we usually would either watch a movie or lay in our own beds and watch FOX news and text back and forth about our thoughts on politics. I have nobody that I can discuss politics with like Andy and I did and I enjoyed those discussions tremendously. Andy liked to get into deep philosophical discussions too which I don't often find and greatly enjoy. I also miss is warped sense of humor that would often come out of no where. Little things he'd say and I'd see that look just waiting to see if I picked it up or not. As a mother you don't realize until something like this how often you think of your kids just going to the grocery or when you walk through a store or watch a movie or hear a new song from a group you know they like. You recognize the major milestones but you don't realize just how often you think about them daily in just your average daily life. When you lose one though it smacks you in the face hard every time.
Reminding us that we'll see them again someday is another tough one. On one hand that is one of the only hopes we hold but at the moment it doesn't help because we feel that they should be with us NOW. Some may be angry with God for taking their child and that comfort statement opens up a whole different can of worms.
Sometimes the old tradition is the best and why change what ain't broken? People were given time to mourn and friends and family helped them with the process by doing things like cooking meals for them, helping with house and lawn work, running errands and just being there, a shoulder to cry on. A good listener is a bigger help for someone who is grieving than a good talker.
Now given that many of my friends read this I just wanted to say, this isn't totally personal. It's not even mostly personal. I'm writing this from observation of others, reading and yes some experience but mostly the first two. God did not create us to experience death which is probably what makes it so extremely difficult. He did give us two resources though to help us through it-Himself and each other. To those who have been there for me I want to say thank you. You have no idea how much you have helped and continue to do so. I've survived 5 months that I didn't think possible, that's something.
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