CELEBRATE? NEW YEARS EVE 2012

 

How ironic,  I'm sitting on a balcony overlooking the ocean.  My favorite place in the world to be and a place known for it's beautiful sunsets yet this evening the sunset is clouded over.  I can't see the sun.  Just like my heart is missing my own son.  I'm thinking about last year and how I had no idea that in just 29 short days I would never see my son again.  Oh how I wish instead of going forward and ringing in a new year we could go in reverse!  Why can't we go in reverse just this one time?

 

I should be happy to say goodbye to 2012.  It was such a horrible year and in many ways I am.   Except for one- 2012 holds in it the very last days I spent with Andy and I never want to say goodbye to him or those days.  I want to literally see his smile again and not just in a picture or in my head.  I want to hear his voice and not just in a recording or in my head.  I want my life back to NORMAL and 2013 holds nothing normal about it for me at all.  So  I'm holding on as tight as I can to these last few hours yet they are still slipping through my grasp like a ghost.

 

My heart and head still cannot accept that he is gone.  I have my moments, like the waves crashing on the shore below me...do they have any idea that soon they are going to hit the beach and no longer be their former selves?  The sea will suck them back out and do whatever  it has planned for them leaving just a fleeting memory of some crushed shells to remind us they were once here.

 

Like those waves I have no idea what lies ahead and it's scary.  To have traveled so far for so long as things were just to crash and it all be gone in an instant.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  What or who I will be or if I will even "be" remains the nightmare that awaits me in 2013. 

 

I also know that I no longer have just one "New Years".   January 30th will forever be the day my life changed forever and thus my 2nd and worst "new years day".  So tonight I'm going to TRY to get dressed and go with my husband and daughter down to the pier for the "celebration" because what lies ahead with the coming 2nd new year is without a doubt NOT going to be anything like tonight.  Tonight I'm going to try and celebrate the family I do still have here with me.

 

My prayers go out to all of the other grieving parents facing the same heartbreak tonight...be it your first or your 31rst.  I know the pain never goes away. God Bless you and Comfort you....Til we see them again. 

 



INNOCENCE LOST

This morning probably started out like any other morning just a little over a week before Christmas for the families of children attending Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn.  Most likely their morning chatter included at least something about their Christmas wish list and Santa as they tried to stay on their very best behavior just in case he might be watching.

I doubt that any of those parents thought even in their wildest dreams as they said goodbye to their children this morning that it would be their last goodbye for 20 of those students and their parents.  Mere kindergartners.  But tonight the parents of 20 children from Sandy Hook Elementary joined our horrible group.  Tonight the parents of 20 children are sitting at home numb yet not nearly numb enough, still trying to grasp the events that turned their world forever upside down today. " IS THIS REAL?" running through many of their minds.  "THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL"  Staring at their Christmas tree and the presents under it thinking his or her presents are right there!  He/she will come home any time now.  Hoping and praying that their beloved child somehow was hiding or got away and just has been too scared to come out of  hiding.  That has to be it!  Of course he will be home to open his Transformer Figures he wanted so badly on Christmas Morning!  This simply can't be real.  There will be no sleep for those parents tonight or for many nights to come.

How and when does their anguish end?  I only wish I knew.  I know their gut wrenching pain all to well though.  Tonight I'm sure that it doesn't take having lost a child to join them in asking "why?"  A question to which we will likely never know the answer.  What could upset this young man so greatly to do such a horrendous thing?  Why the children?  Why did he have to shoot the children?  Let's us not forget he was not long from a child himself!  What could have happened in this young man's life that could cause such anger and or pain to lead him to take 28 lives including his own before 9:30am?

How will this effect this town?  I hope they realize that the one blessing they have in all of this is each other.  Although at the moment I'm sure that is of no consolation and might even sound callus but in time they will come to see the true blessing in it, because nobody else can honestly understand (Thank God) what they're going through except those who are also going through it.  That's not to say that other's cannot be caring, understanding and supportive, just that the pain is so unique and deep that they can only help so much.

My suggestion is, if you want to help, let these families know you care.  Do NOT allow this incident to become the platform for a political agenda or a media circus.  As much as we'd love to know every little detail and see into the lives of these families please give them their space to grieve in peace.  If they want to talk they will talk.  Consider a fund for any families who might not have had life insurance on their child(ren) so they can have the peace of giving their child a grand and proper burial.  And pray.  Pray for them, their community and our society that could let such hurt and anger brew to such a boiling point as it did today, right under their noses.  How might things have been totally different if someone at the right time had taken notice and cared to ask the shooter "Is something wrong?" before he picked up and loaded those guns?

We were created for companionship yet what does our society put value on?  Independence.  Most barely have time to manage their own let alone bother with someone outside their immediate family.  And apparently the majority of Americans would rather hand their money over to the government to decide who and how to help instead of having to face and deal with the needy themselves.  As long as we continue down this path incidents like today are only going to continue to rise.  The change must come from within each and every one of us.  I'll leave you tonight with the so very true famous words "BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD"  GOD BLESS....

THOUGHTS 2

My thoughts have been side tracked lately, as a young man I've come to  know over the past few months who's name happens to be Andrew just lost his last surviving parent.  (PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS) Don't think I didn't notice the irony that in the same year I lost my Andrew and Andrew lost his parents.  He's younger than my Andy,  in between Andy and Cat in age.  I can't imagine what he must be going through.  Yes, I've lost both of my parents, a brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and obviously my son but to be on your own at 19?  I've tried reaching out to him yet of all the kids I have who call me "mom" , who come in and out my door still.  Of all the kids who will ALWAYS have a home with me and know that, This one in particular always feels he's "imposing".  I keep praying God will show him differently.

I have no idea how he is getting through these days right now.  I hope he isn't being taken advantage of or mislead in any way while making arrangements.  I know how confusing it was to me.  I don't think I could have done it alone at 24 with mom or at 34 with Dad.  There are things I wish I'd done different at 44 with Andy's.  I mean, here at a time when you least want to be making decisions like that, when your mind can't focus on anything you have to go  in and sit down and make $10,000 plus permanent final decisions for your loved one.

Just a note, if you are a parent no matter how young, make sure you have life insurance and a will with a guardian named for your child(ren).  Better yet you might want to do like my Dad did.  He avoided the inheritance tax by placing everything in our names long before he passed so we owned his house etc, we didn't "inherit" it.  He had pretty much all of his final arrangements taken care of.  We just had to pick out music and pictures and things like that. And what I think it the hardest of all, sort through a lifetime of memories.  I still haven't touched Andy's.  I can't.  I tried, just washing up his dirty laundry took me til this past month and wow did it throw me for a loop.  It felt NORMAL again!  But I knew it wasn't.  I felt like it was a normal weekend, he had come home from college and I was washing up his laundry for him and at any time he would come in and get it and say "Thanks mom" .  But the clothes just hung there until Derek moved them.  Andy never came in and got them and I never heard "Thanks mom".  We didn't eat chili and watch the Colt's play then I didn't take him back to Crawfordsville.  The clothes just hung there and I cried.  Pictures of him wearing them flashed before me.  I could tell you exactly what occasion he would wear which outfit for, which one's were his favorites, even which one's I personally didn't care for on him.  Oh how I wish I could see him walking in right now in one of those so I could think "Ya know that really doesn't bring out your better qualities" but keep it to myself.

I still find myself thinking all the time "how can you be gone?"  "It can't be real" Then sometimes  I feel as if I'm losing my mind, not even sure what is and isn't real.  How can my beautiful boy be gone?  It's as if it's a cruel joke and I want it to be over!  "Come out now!" I want to scream!  "This isn't funny!  Come out right now!"

I want to go back to a year and a half ago before he ever was put on that patch with what I know now!!!!  I think I can't get over this one particular mountain-Andy's death could have been prevented.  If he had not been on that blasted patch he would still be here today.  So SOMEBODY  is to blame for his death!  And as I see it that falls on those he trusted his life to-His doctor and me.  No lawyer will touch the case.  One told me that "all the information that you have told us that the doctor failed to tell you is in the package insert.  They will simply say you should have read it."  So in other words it doesn't matter what the professional who is paid hundreds of dollars tells you, even with doctor's "Let the buyer beware".  It's MY fault my son is dead.  I DID ask questions mind you.  But I asked the doctor.  Good Lord I even recommended this man to others!  He was kind and compassionate, a Christian.  He made us feel very comfortable and like we could trust him.  Further he was really the only doctor around who did actually help Andy.  There are some truly horrible pain management specialists around and not many to choose from in our area. This doctor was both pain management and a spine and neck injury specialist.  I blame the government as well.  Their handling of pain patients is so wrong.  They treat them automatically like criminals.  They put them in a position where they are afraid to be honest with their doctors because they are constantly being profiled and one wrong statement can get you profiled wrong as a user or abuser and you get cut off.  I know of one man who was in severe back pain.  He could not move and he kept telling his doctor that.  But back pain is one  they know so little about that many abusers will use that to get their drugs so his doctor wouldn't listen.  His son was desperate for some relief for him and was searching everywhere (yes illegally) for some pain medication to help his Dad.  To make this story short, eventually they DID discover his Dad had cancer.  He was put on the strongest of fentanyl patches and died less than three months later.

I have done my research now and a lot of it.  Let it come as no surprise to anyone that I intend to be a loud advocate for the legalization of marijuana and DMT.  Why our government has these illegal, well I can't say what I was going to say.  I know exactly why out government has them illegal, because they can't tax them and make a profit off of them.  One is a plant and the other is in nearly all living things as a naturally occurring compound.   Neither has negative side effects that can't be worked around.  Neither has ever caused a death due to overdose (You can't OD on them) in fact pot has a cannaboid in it that actually makes it impossible to OD on it, the same one that may be a cure for cancer!  Yet it's illegal.  It reduces inflammation, helps with pain even in opioid tolerant patients.  It is not physically addictive.  It helps with nausea and vomiting, seizures, epilepsy, and they have good reason to believe that it will be helpful in treating autoimmune diseases.  It helps increase appetite at first then eventually has components that help stabilize insulin production in the body, the cause of diabetes and thyroid disease (weight gain or sometimes loss), it's a natural anti-anxiety medication.  It's only negative is if you are bi-polar it can cause you to swing more rapidly.  It isn't for those with bi-polar disease.  They were concerned about the risk of increased cancer from smoking it but have found no evidence that that is the case.  

And DMT has cured people of long time heroine and alcohol addiction and depression with just one "Trip".  Scientists and "hippies" (I won't call them druggies because it's not your typical street drug) all refer to this as a spiritual awakening, not a "high".  They all say it's something you come out of as a better person.  SCIENTISTS say this.  DMT is the same compound that your brain releases when you enter REM sleep or the dream state.  Ironically it's illegal yet everyone of us carries it and uses it every night!  Again I ask why would our government want to keep this away from us?  With both of these, unlike the drugs they push on us whenever we go to the doctor.  Drugs with side effects that can be as harmful or worse than what they are being used to treat.  These two have none of that.  They are created by God.  Natural and healing and no bad side effects and if legal my son would be alive today.  Or if we had been willing to break the law but had we done that we could not have pursued the curing surgery needed.  You know that one that we never got because the insurance kept  wanting Andy to try the same thing over and over again all the while remaining on and building a tolerance to the narcotic pain meds at such a young age.

He had one doctor who was so bad.  He would have us sitting in his waiting room for hours, then more hours once we got back in a room.  He was rude and disrespectful to both Andy and me and he WAY over medicated him with drugs that didn't work other than knocking him out.  He couldn't even get through a text without nodding off!  So we left that doctor (and filed several complaints), next doctor had to perform a regular "surgery" it was an ultrasound guided injection on Andy.  Andy was running a fever of 101, having incredibly bad spasms and vomiting.  He couldn't stand on his own.  This doctor refused to sedate Andy for the procedure which is how it's suppose to be done and I could hear him yelling at him in his Indian accent to hold still and Andy in tears saying he was trying to.  They brought him back to his cubical and told him to get dressed and go.  I asked for a wheelchair and the nurse got rude with me and I had to argue to get one because he could not even stand.  They didn't give him anything for the pain or spasms on the ride home or any dismissal papers.  He felt much worse and when the hospital called for a follow up the nurse said "I can see that you are telling me the truth because #1 I would have been the one to sedate you and I know I wasn't called in and #2 I'm sitting here looking at the papers you should have been sent home with and I can see you should have never been given the procedure let alone sent home.  I will have to file a complaint on this doctor"  A short time later we received a letter saying that Andy was being let go due to them finding pot in his last drug test.  My husband and I were there for his last appointment and heard the doctor with our own ears go over his drug test and no pot was in his system.  He reported that out of spite.  Shortly after that we got a letter that he had been released from that clinic and would be happy to take Andy on as a patient at his new place of employment.   I think not!  Now we would get accused of "doctor shopping".  My question is why is that bad?  Anyway, we were very happy when we found Dr Kingma (his final PM doctor).  You can imagine why besides his kind and compassionate demeanor after these others he seemed like a saint!  I will say he even had the courtesy to call to offer his condolences.  Do I think he intentionally killed my son? No, not at all.  I actually think he is a very nice man.  But I don't think doctors are being as informed as they should be about fentanyl patches.  If they were I think they would only prescribe them to terminal cancer patients.  And I believe PM doctors would be or should be fighting for the legalization for at least medical marajuana.  That would have possibly cut out three medications Andy was taking that weren't working and helped with a few other symptoms that weren't being treated and he would still be alive!  As a side note:  Andy should have never been put on the fentanyl due to other conditions he had such as severe central sleep apnea especially combined with some of the other medications it was combined with.  We nearly lost him the previous August, after being on the patch less than a month, the same way and would have had his girlfriend from not been visting.

I look back at all the times we could have and nearly lost him sooner and I am so grateful but then I look at how easily his death could have been prevented and I am so angry.  It's not right and it's not fair.  How does a parent live with this?  Living without your child is impossible as it is..how do you live with knowing it could have been prevented?  That YOU could have prevented it?

SO THIS IS IT?

 

 

 

So this is it?

An entire life

summed up

in a few meager words

tucked away somewhere

lost in the middle

of the local newspaper.

So this is it?

Once a vibrant personality

now just a name etched

in stone.

That hardly shows any 'semblance

of the miracle that was you

or the relationship we knew

No passerby will ever know

what a name etched in stone

simply cannot show.

The son, the brother, the friend, the lover

The young man with ambition

yet not lacking compassion at all

It tells nothing about how I miss your voice

or your sweet contagious smile

Just merely there you were born

and you lived among us a while.

 



THOUGHTS Pt 1

With the Holidays upon us I feel as if I've regressed back to last February.  Everything is hitting me so strong.  Unfortunately I don't have shock to protect me other than the fugues are increasing.  Reality is staring me all to harshly in the face and I have the full knowledge that there is no escaping it.  My body is suffering from it more than ever now.  I thought this would come.  I'll deal with it.  There's no way I will put my life in a doctor's hands as a pain patient beyond what I already am.  I shouldn't have to explain why. 

I'm so tired of life always being about "just get through this day".  I was tired of that long ago but my kids were my light at the end of the tunnel then Andy gets taken away?  I started this blog for a couple of reasons.  One main one being because I had trouble finding out if what I was feeling was "normal".  On a lot of the forums and such when you're new you don't know what to ask, what to say or anyone to talk to.  You just want answers.  Answers you eventually find out aren't there other than that what you are going through is normal, losing a child is such if not the most extreme loss that there is no truly "normal" reaction so whatever gets you through it is "normal".  Further it seems you live the rest if your life finding ways to get you through it.  It's not a grief that eventually dissipates to bearable.  We live with a life of not only the loss and memories from the past but continuous moments throughout our lives which are "would have been" milestones for our child we lost.  All the dreams and goals they had and guessing would they have attained them at this point?  What would their life be like?  It's not the same as when an older person dies.  They've had the chance to accomplish their dreams and goals, maybe not all of them but reasonable time usually. (goodbye always comes too soon) but when a parent mourns their child they can't end because there truly is so much that they SHOULD have got to do.  Andy should have graduated from Wabash by now be starting his life, spreading his wings.  Who knows, maybe getting married?  He should have been making plans to come home for Christmas.

I tell you with complete confidence, parents take their time with their children for granted.  You can try and argue any case with me but I guarantee you that there isn't a parent in our society who if they lost a child tonight like I did wouldn't find so many times looking back that they wish they had spent more time with them, accepted them for who they are,  been more understanding or supportive, or something.  Even we stay at home mom's who devote our lives to our children find something.  Don't let people tell you that you are going to spoil your baby if you pick him/her up every time he/she cries!  You are telling your baby "I'm here for you" and you only have a very short time when you CAN pick your baby up like that and hold him in your arms.  Don't complain that your child talks too much!  You have no idea how much you will miss that voice chattering on when it's not there.  Next time you feel like a human ATM thank God for your "customers".  Cherish every milestone, every happy moment, every event, every chance you get to spend getting to know your child and build a closer relationship. 

I've also come to realize that we don't divide our hearts among our children.  We give our entire heart to each of our children.  Which puts some of us in a very confusing position.  Andy took my heart with him yet I have Caitlyn who holds my heart too.  I now understand all too well why when my brother was killed I felt as if I was suddenly thought of as more mature and left to handle more on my own.  I was 13 and went from being overly protected to a latchkey kid of sorts. I had mixed feelings about that then, mostly it was cool to a previously overly protected teenager.  That said a grieving 13 yr old who is ignorant of the true ways of the world doesn't always know what is best for her.  But now I understand what my parents were going through.  Jerry was the eldest boy and he had a heart of gold.  My parents cherished family.  My mom was a stay at home mom who raised 5 of us.  Yes, I can understand why they needed their time and a lot of it.  No parent is perfect but if I had to say where I thought my parents lacked that would not be anything to do with any reason and never would have.  Had it not happened my life might be very different today and in a much better way but it did and nobody was to blame.  Certainly not my parents.  What is the right answer?  Ideally there would be family and friends who step up and offer to take the other child(ren) or at home child for anything from a movie to weekend get-a-ways, just fixing dinner and sending it over or at least inviting the child(ren) over for dinner to give the parents alone time would make a huge difference.  IF they will go that is.

(to be cont)

THE SHACK

There is a book out called THE SHACK by William P Young.  It had been given to me by my Stepfather-In-Law but not having my reading glasses, I hadn't read it.  It had sat around for over a year until my daughter decided to read it for AR in school.  Never before has she wanted to read parts of a book to me so often as she did this book, more so than any of the Twilight series even.  I believe I know most of the book already just from her reading it to me but now I can't wait to read the entire book myself.

I've seen trailers for a movie based on the book on youtube.  I've also seen a couple pastors pretty upset about the book.  Going so far as to say it is heresy.  They claim the book was written to teach about the trinity and that it is very wrong.  I beg to differ with them.  I believe the book was written about the healing of a parent's broken heart who has lost a child and from what I've heard so far it's excellent.

Perhaps it threatens some pastor's jobs?  It does, I believe state, and I believe as well, that God hates religion.  "How could God hate religion?" I can hear some people now.  I have heard it many times. Well, think about it, has religion joined God's children together?  Or has religion divided God's children over doctrine?  If the answer were the first we wouldn't have so many battles over doctrine, we wouldn't have so many denominations and religions so it seems obvious that the answer is the latter.  Do you believe God would LIKE this?

They knit-pick over things like him initially presenting God as an older large black woman and Jesus and the Holy Spirit as equal.  And yes I say knit-pick.  Jesus taught in parables so that we might comprehend it better so why can they not see this as a parable of sorts?  In another great book HINDS FEET IN HIGH PLACES feelings are given human forms.  What would they say about that?  We all know that feelings don't have human form.  It's so that we can visualize and understand what is being told to us more clearly.  The last pastor I listened to likened the wife equally with the children, below the husband as the husband is below God.  Right here this pastor is wrong.  The wife is the husband's HELPMATE and COMPANION.    The husband is to be the leader yes, and his position holds great responsibility before God.  THAT is what the Church should be teaching!  Wives are to help their husbands (that's why we nag men!) we are to help them stay faithful to God, help them in their endeavors, encourage them to be their best, encourage them not to give up, to use the gifts God gave them, to nurture and to HELP THEM MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS.  My father always told me that women being the "weaker vessel" and husband's being told to "present their wives to God as pure.." meant that he was to put my mother on a high pedestal and treat her as a precious Ming Vase God entrusted to him to love, cherish and protect.  I personally think that a big part of our societies downfall is because not only have our families ventured away from teaching the proper roles God expects of us but our churches have too.  And when they do they teach "wives submit to your husbands" but they leave out "and husbands submit to your wives".  Like Christ is to God and the church is to Christ marriage is a representation of the two becoming one.  We are even taught that we are THE BODY of Christ and no one part is more important than another.  THAT my friends sums up  LOVE.  When you love someone they become as important if not more important than your own being.  Your happiness and well being depends on their happiness and well being.

Could it be that God presented Himself as "The Father" because He is the creator of all things...and as for humans,well we mothers are here on Earth. We give birth to those that God created so it makes sense He would present himself as "The Father" but does God really have any permanent form?  Are we not all created in His likeness?  Or could it be that like any good, loving parent God takes on the form that we need or will understand (If we would be so blessed that God would present Himself to us in human form...as in a vision not as in Jesus returning)?  I believe that Our Lord guides people to intervene in our lives when needed, sends angels in many different forms all the time, is always with us and on occasion even presents Himself to us.  It is for this reason we should not judge and we should always try to show kindness and compassion to others...you never know if that stranger who needed your help or who helped you today was sent by God or God Himself.  Did you show them kindness?  Or were you too busy and turn your back?

From what my daughter has read to me THE SHACK shows God's compassion and patience for grieving parents, even those who hold a great deal of anger for good reason.  Our heartbreak is so strong though, that sometimes it's hard to see the angels or even God when they're right here with us, seeing us through our nightmare.  If we hold on to our faith though God WILL see us through.  I'm not to that point yet but I will be.  One day, I will be.  Even if it's not until I am called home myself, I WILL be happy again one day.  For that I am eternally Thankful.

As I said, I've not read THE SHACK completely yet, but this is what I've taken from it so far.  I believe it is healing and a good book.  If by some chance, once I've read it through I feel differently I will let you know.  

MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.  MAY YOUR BURDENS BE LIGHTENED AND YOUR WORRIES BE LIFTED AND EACH TEAR WIPED AWAY.  MAY YOUR ANGELS WATCH OVER YOU AND YOURS AND GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO FACE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY...IN JESUS HOLY NAME...AMEN.

TIME

One of the hardest things for me is thinking how this time last year things were so different.  How we take "normal" for granted and how it can change so quickly and drastically.  This time last year I still had a chance to change things.  This time last year Andy and I argued quite a bit about him speaking up to his doctor about him not doing anything about his symptoms and all that was going on with him.  I didn't push hard enough.  I understood where he was coming from because we both had, Derek had, and we had just been written off..."it's just a virus that needs to run it's course" . I knew better!  No virus lasts for that many months!  But I understood how he felt.  Most of the journey had been full of insults, insinuations and like talking to brick walls at best so you do get to the point of "why bother?  They aren't going to do anything anyway."  When you cry out for help enough times and get no response you eventually figure you are on your own...that's how he felt.  I admit I was discouraged too.  I had my chance and I failed my son.

To top things off I spend his last Christmas running around trying to help make Christmas better for other people instead of spending it with my kids...my last chance to spend Christmas with my son.  We did spend Christmas together but still, I feel like I lost a lot of precious time.

The one thing I am thankful for is all the time I did spend with him in the hospital.  I'm not thankful he had to be in the hospital but that I was there, the entire time.  We had so many conversations and I will cherish those forever. 

Most of the time, I felt helpless.  I had ran out of ideas of where to turn.  Mom's are suppose to have the answers.  Mom's are suppose to make things all better.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  HE never made me feel that way but I felt that way.  That's the kind of person he was.  Always more worried abut others.  I remember one night finding him at the bottom of the stairs lying there just sobbing.  He couldn't make it up the stairs.  In his mind though he was thinking about how did I manage all these years?  I explained to him that I grew up with this more or less.  I never really knew much different.  Unlike him who had a great life with dreams and aspirations that were coming true and would come true.  I always was in survival mode...fighting and learning to adapt.  Then we talked about learning to adapt if things had to remain this way for much longer.  It seemed to help some but I don't know.  How can we ever really know what is going on in another's head if they don't tell us?  Some people wonder why I speak my feelings...this is why.  How can anyone know what you are truly feeling if you don't tell them?  Including when you are upset or angry...nobody can change anything if they don't know how you are feeling or if there is something you need from them.

I do NOT understand how the doctors who are paid big money to be responsible for our care and our loved one's care are not held responsible in cases like this?  This infuriates me!  HE WAS THE EXPERT!  WE TRUSTED HIM!  And I have heard from many others who have gone through the same thing...losing a child due to a doctor ignorant of how dangerous and potent fentanyl is.

My chances to change things ran out.  Now my son is gone.  Forever.  My life, my family will never be the same.  I will always feel that I failed him.  I will always think about how if only I had pushed the doctors harder, insisted, screamed til they listened.  Doctor's are not God even if so many seem to think that they are.  I wanted to take him down to a doctor in Atlanta who specialized in nothing but his kind of injury but we let his PM doctor talk us out of it..just less than a month before his death.  How might things be different today if I had just made the appointment and taken him down there?  When he was little and we lived in Indy, his first doctor always told me "YOU are his mother, you know him better than anyone else...trust your instincts...if you feel that something is wrong then something is wrong."  If only I had trusted my instincts...I wonder how different today would be?

PRAY FOR HER

In the wake of hurricane Sandy there has been so much news coverage it's been hard to watch so at the risk of sounding insensitive when this has come on the tv I admit I only half listen most of the time.  I'm sorry but this year has already been too much...I mean absolutely no disrespect and I pray for all of those who were caught in her path.  But last night I was working and half listening when a particular story caught my attention.  It was brief but struck me to the core.  "Two of the dead are children ripped from their mother's arms when their SUV got caught in storm surge..."

With all the feelings I'm experiencing, with all the pain and deep overwhelming grief that truly only another parent who has lost a child can understand that I've been going through, I cannot fathom what this mother must be going through.  I know I personally would not survive it.  I didn't catch her name.  I'm not even sure if they gave it.  But I'm asking that you join me in covering her in heavy prayer.  If you are not a Christian please send your good thoughts or whatever it is you can do to help lift this woman, this mother who's children were ripped from her arms and washed away into the ocean waters.  Nothing is going to be able to wipe that memory and the accompanying pain away but perhaps overwhelming love can be stronger and MORE overwhelming?  It will be comparable to God moving mountains I'm sure...but it's possible.  Better yet...pray for nothing short of a miracle that they children somehow survived and are found soon!

My heart aches for her....

Angels Among Us

I love this video.  God does sustain us doesn't He?  Maybe not in the way we wish for but He sees us through in a very special way that we fail to see in our pain.  One thing about losing a child, you learn who your true friends are.  It's funny how some people you thought were so close disappear in this darkest hour and a surprise sometimes who stands by your side...our angels.  I know I've felt very alone through this BUT I can say that in the truly darkest hours someone has been there.  My husband will go out of his way for me or a friend will text me a just the right time with just the right words not even realizing they have been used by God.

Then there is the sweet woman from Illinois who I don't even know who has walked me through this entire past year from the very start.  With books and music cd's with just the right songs always arriving at just the right time.

Most astounding to me was shortly after Andy's death when I went away to Florida for a week by doctor's suggestion.  I went to Panama City Beach for some reason.  I don't know why really because my only other time there I absolutely hated the place but something just drew me there.  Well it was college spring break but oddly enough it wasn't wild and crazy. In fact there was a rather large group of kids from a Christian college, I believe they said from North Carolina or maybe that was where one of the students was from?  I'm not sure.  And they were evangelizing, something I am admittedly very critical of.  I feel more often than not people jump in meaning to do well but chase people away instead.  Not these kids.  They were wonderful!  Not pushy, not preachy, not judgemental.  The strange thing was every single time I had a difficult moment starting...usually by a "why? " thought one would show up (even at 2:30am on the beach! NOT DRUNK)  and they would just ask if they could talk to me and I'd say sure and every single time they BOOM directly answered my question and put my mind at ease.  The one in the middle of the night was like talking to Andy for over 2 hours in someone Else's body!  I didn't ASK my question mind you...they just answered it.  And there was also one older man on the beach one particularly hard morning..same thing.  The odd thing about him is he just disappeared.  You know how you hear those stories about he started walking one way  down the beach and me the other and when I turned around he was just gone..no where he could have disappeared to that quickly.  The last thing he has said to me was if I needed to talk some more just call his name and he would be right down the beach and he'd hear me.

Do I wish He would give my son back to me?  YES!  Or at very least, knowing my son is in paradise I wish He would take away the pain completely.  He hasn't done that by any means but as the song says in the darkest hours...yes I do believe there are angels among us.

FOOTBALL

This has been such an emotional week.  We finally settled with the life insurance company and we able to tie up everything with the funeral home and arrange for his name and such to be put on his tomb.  The thing is we had the choice of emblems and such if we wanted one to add to his name.  I chose only a picture of him. I thought about it and thought about it....two things a scripture verse which they didn't have and a football.  Football.  He loved the sport with all of his heart.  We found out during the course of all his tests that he had played with a broken arm and other injuries.  He even hoped to be able to return to the game once they fixed his back against our wishes.  We thought he was nuts of course after all he had gone through due to a football injury to want to go back to the game but that's how much he loved it.  

So why did I choose no football?  Because to ME football is a fraud.  All the years he played we were all about how a football team is a "family" and they boys, they believed it.  In their hearts they are a family.  But that's as far as it goes.  Beyond that high school team that was so small they had to play all teams and were so exhausted but never gave up it was and is a fraud.  He (WE) believed it about all football.  How foolish we were.  We didn't hear one word of condolence from ANY of the coaching staff from his high school team or any of his team from the Little Giants of Wabash College at all.  Once he was injured he was out of the "family".  I sat with him constantly all the time he spent in the hospital and nobody came to visit or called. And when he passed I've yet to hear one single word from any of them even when some of them have walked right past me and looked me straight in the eyes.

Then tonight I watch how inspiring Tim TeBow is.  How he took a young man who got injured playing and had to have part of his leg amputated under his wing.  Publicity is all it is.  I wrote to so many players, including Tim Tebow,  hoping one would just give Andy a call or write him to help get his spirits up, help keep him in that fighting frame of mind.  Not one responded.  NOT ONE SINGLE FOOTBALL ADULT TRULY HAS THE FOOTBALL FAMILY MENTALITY THAT ULTIMATELY MY SON GAVE HIS LIFE FOR.  I was told that even when approached with a petition to retire his number by a student I don't recall our sports director refused, flaming fires of a horrible rumor that has been spread.  When my husband questioned him he said he couldn't because they didn't have enough numbers.  Hello...we have a small team and I know of players who's numbers were not being used.  Please do not insult my intelligence. (And yes they were in the correct number range) So aside from going for a quarter of a few home games to support THE BOYS I have not been able to watch any more football than that since he passed and I don't think I will ever again.  I didn't want Andy playing football initially.  My Dad talked me into it and admittedly my perspective changed.  I saw it as a sport that taught the ultimate importance of teamwork, bonding, individual responsibility, dedication  and the important of working your tail off if you really want it bad enough.  Now I see that it is all about greed and coaches ego's and schools reputations.  If  I'm wrong then where was all his football "family'?

No everything I *thought* football was I'm actually seeing in band yet you don't see crowds coming to the band competitions cheering them on...go figure...what a messed up world.

EIGHT MONTHS GONE

Eight months have passed now since you left this world, since I last  heard you laugh  or saw you smile.  The world goes on but like for you, part of me stopped living last January and also like with you I can't seem to ever bring it back.

Yet, unlike you, I am not living in paradise.  I'm left here with heartache, missing you.  So many thoughts and questions running through my head, left unanswered, so many loose ends left yet to be tied.  What exactly happened that night?  I know what I do know so I know that the description of you on the autopsy report is not the only mistake  they made.  Therefore I don't know for sure what did happen.  Could I have prevented your death?  Were you scared?  Did you want me and I wasn't there?  Are you angry with me?  DID I LET YOU DOWN?  Why did you have to go so young?  Does God hate me?  Is that why?  What did I do?  There HAS to be some purpose to all of this because even now I mourn alone with just a couple of exceptions and a couple of your "brothers".  Not one adult has stopped by to see how I am, how we are.  I guess that's probably for the best because I'm not much for conversation these days.  The boys come by to watch football with me and I can't .  I can't watch Sunday Football(or Thursday or Monday Night) without you.  There has been no Chili on Sunday and Touchdown Teddy hasn't been moved this season.  I should have buried him with you.

Sometimes I think how easy it would be to take a few too many of my pills, perhaps wash them down with a strong alcoholic drink and just go to sleep...wake up where you are.  No one here would miss me.  You can't miss someone who you already don't have in your life.  What stops me?  Your sister.  For one I honestly don't know what it would do to her.  She keeps her feelings to herself.  I admit I take it personally.  I try so hard to talk to her.  I can't figure out why you and I could talk so openly , so easily and yet she doesn't trust me with her feelings.  Still selfishly I want to be here to see the young woman she becomes.  Will she marry?  Have children?  I wish she could see herself through my eyes and see just how beautiful and talented she truly is but she thinks I just feel that way because I am her mom.  That is so not true.  You always knew that I'd be upfront with you why doesn't she?  And there's Kyle.  He's really been put through hell by his mom and Tim but Andy you would be so impressed with the young man he is becoming.  He's a hard worker, has an amazing new girlfriend, has been holding down a good paying job despite hating getting up EARLY (and even going to work very sick...his "parents" dropped him from their insurance just to be spiteful)  He is trying really hard to go to college even though doing so is getting him served with restraining orders...yes by you guessed it...his "parents".  He doesn't even go around them and they are doing all they can to make his life as difficult as possible.  You know how you have to have our (parents) tax info for the FASFA to go to college right?  Well they refuse to give him theirs and they refuse to sign papers to emmancipate him...nice huh?  What hurts so bad is that people like that, who could care less about their kids have them if they would just love them like they should while I don't have you anymore. :(  If we ever get in a position finacially where we can, we will see to it that Kyle goes to college.  We've already discussed it.  As long as he keeps his grades up, goes to class and takes it seriously and we believe he will...we will pay for it if we are ever in a position to be able to.  Lucas is moving to Texas.  This worries me but there are some good community colleges where he is moving to and he says he wants to get into one.  Please watch over him.  I'm really going to miss him.  In a way I feel like I'm losing another son.  And he's dealing with so much, he REALLY needs the support system he has here at this time.  May God be with him at all times and give him the best and loudest guardian angel He has.

Don't worrry.  I'm not going to do what Iwas talking about.  I just think about it.  I know Dad and Cat are having just as hard of a time living here in this community and with the lack of support because even Cat wants to move and you know how dead set she was against it before.  Even when we have tried to give back via the scholarship nobody showed and we put so much into that walk-a-thon.  Not one of your coaches has even sent a card of condolence let alone spoke to us when essentially you gave your life that football team.  And with all you put into that school only Mr Huff and Mrs Baily showed any sympathy at all.  Part of me keeps telling myself that it's not for them it's for the kids but none of the kids showed up either so if they don't care why not put the effort towards someone or a group who WILL?  I felt like I'd disappoint you if I changed that but you aren't here are you?  So I doubt that you care as long as I"m doing something good...and that I will do because that was who you were and how you were. (I do intend to do something for the band..I don't know what, how or when yet but they have been very good to us...it is the least I can do.  And I don't want to see any school lose their music program.  Music is the universal language that speaks to the soul..it's too important)

This has been nice.  Almost like I"m hearing you.  Like we are talking like we used to!  I've missed this!  And yes, I hear you on the topic of politics.  I'm avoiding that deliberately.  I don't want to get you and Pappy in trouble up there...I KNOW your tempers when it comes to politics!  Besides, I've the feeling something big is about to blow up and I"m just praying like never before that God's hand be upon us and that it be quick and painless.  You know what I mean...what a GLORIOUS DAY!!!!!  Besides, I don't think you miss politics now all that much.  You might just miss our discussions.  Afterall what use would you have to concern yourself with all that now other than for good ole conversation?

Baby, I miss you so much.  If I let you down in anyway please forgive me?  And if my pain hurts you now forgive me.  I can't help it.  Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy.  I don't know what is real and what is not.  How could you be gone?  Sometimes I wonder if these periods when I "zone out" are my brain shutting down because the stress/trauma is too much (as science says) or is that maybe when my spirit is with you?  If it's the latter I sure with I could remember.  Wouldn't that stink, to be getting to actually spend time with the other half of my heart as requested but not allowed to remember!

Well, I don't want to end this conversation but I have to.  I have things that have to get done.  Know that I will always love you!

Love,
Mom

P.S.
Any chance of my eagle today????

BEWARE OF ONLINE SCAMS!!!!!

I know this probably is kicking my own self since I've asked for your help with the scholarship fund and the fundraising ride but this info needs to be passed on.  Personally I've always been skeptical of doing business with someone I can't see right in front of me.  That's just me.  If I'm going to buy a product I want to SEE it and if I am going to give my money to someone I prefer to do it in person or I thoroughly check out the business first. 

Well...circumstances being what the are with still battling MetLife for the life insurance and all the medical bills...everyone wanting their money NOW my husband felt pressured to do something about it and he had recieved a letter about being preapproved for a loan.  So he called them thinking he would consolidate our bills and be able to pay off some of these.  For the record the company is called USA CASH ADVANCE.  If they contact you contact the authorities...they are scam artists.  Now we sit here completely out of money/  I don't know how we will eat the rest of the week,  NSF charges are piling up due to automatic bill payments that the money isn't there for and I am going without medications I need

First they wanted a fee wired to them which my husband did.  Then they came back saying something about taxes in Indiana and that they needed another $260.00 but he assured my husband that the money would immediately be in our bank account...I was against it but my husband is more trusting than I am and went through with it.  Of course the money was never deposited...and after excuse after excuse we were finally told that due to a technical problem they couldn't do it and they couldn't refund our money either.  When we said we would contact a lawyer he said " You seriously want to pay out all that money for $190.00?" (The amount of the first payment)  I"m thinking Hello you idiot!  First of all we could go through small claims ($25 for all of that money...ummm..yes!  But you are criminials and we have free legal assistance for this kind of thing (one good thing the union does provide)...guess what you are in for.  That is if they can track them down.  Scammers are notorious for changing their name and location to avoid exactly this.

I'm telling you, I am sooooo far beyond my stress limit.  And now I truly do believe God hates me.  Sit back and judge me if you wish but until you walk in my shoes for a few months I don't expect you to understand.  My life is a living nightmare.

PRIORITIES

 

You've heard it said

don't measure your life by years

because those can just go to waste

Instead measure your life by moments

That take your breath away.

 

For whether young or old

It will matter not

When our time does come

how many years we kept a spotless house

but rather who felt welcome in our home.

 

Our children won't remember

the name brand clothes

you worked so hard to afford

They will remember though the feelings

when they felt loved and adored.

 

Parents will forget all those little spats

arguments come and go

but never will they forget the times

you told them thank you

or how much you love them so.

 

So always keep your priorities straight

Write them in your heart and mind

God, Family and home come first

And the rest will fall in line...

Blaaaah...

Every year at this time I get this same blasted cold usually landing me in the hospital.  I *thought at first that I was going to slide by this year but nooooo...then I thought "Hey at least I'm staying out of the hospital and recovering at home"  Well...let's hope...now I seem to be backsliding.  Ugh...I hate this.

I know what it is.  Until losing Andy this week would normally be the roughest week of my year.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of when both my mom AND dad passed and I miss them incredibly bad.  Until losing Andy I didn't think there was a worse pain one could feel. (BOY WAS I EVER WRONG) But stress makes my illness flare and this is just a really stressful time, I'm already missing Andy more than ever with football season upon us I'm feeling his absence big time add that to the usual extreme stress of this week and...there's our answer to the backslide in my health.

I wish I could be on my bike somewhere warm (not hot) and just ride, take in all the scenery....either along the coast or some where the leave are starting to change.  Be the "Forrest Gump" of cycling for a while.  As long as I can make it to warmer climates before the winter cold sets in I'd be good.

I did want to thank everyone who retweeted my blog about my fundraising ride.  Unfortunately as of yet there have been no offers by anyone to sponsor me and at this point a long ride will likely have to wait til spring if health and funds don't allow me to head out real soon.  It's hard not to take the lack of support in first the walk-a-thon and now this personally.  The sad part is, it's not for us.  I have several other places I can put my own money to have my son memorialized.  We chose the scholarship to help others but if others aren't interested then why waste my and my volunteers time for something that the people it is for aren't even wanting?  I could be working to help extend a rail trail or bring peoples attention to the large number of children who we are losing daily. ( I was astonished)  I guess we will just see and do the best we can.

CATCH UP



I don't believe I caught everyone up on the latest?    I was looking over the autopsy report a week or so ago and relized that it could be some one elses report!  From the very start under the description the only thing they had correct was 20 yr old male. It said he had brown hair and brown eyes.  He obviously had blonde hair and very blue eyes.  They said he had no scars.  Look at the first picture on his right cheek.  He has had that scar since he was born.  It was from a forceps delivery and he was always selfconscious about it.  That's aside from minor scars he had obtained over the years playing sports.  It had his weight wrong and Possibly his height.  And they had him dressed in the wrong clothes (which were never returned to us)  We were also told that legally they had no reason and should not have made my husband leave the room.  (Me either technically but my emotional state made it understandable somewhat).

DIFFICULT REALITY

It's been over 7 months now since Andy went home and left me here to walk this Earth without him.  I chose the picture I did to open this blog for a purpose as painful as it is.  I look at Andy's pictures every day nnd all  can think of is HOW and WHY?  Lately I've sat and looked at the people around me, from newborns to the elderly and been both in awe at the miracle of life and angry "why are these people alive and my Andy not?"  I see them laughing and smiling and realize that they have not a clue just how fragile their very being is.  I think about how each one of them has a story, even the newborns and a story yet to unfold that they probably don't even give a second thought to.  A life story that is for the most part, out of their hands.  Sure they have their free will to make choices but so does each and every other person on this Earth and every choice effects someone else whether we are aware of it or not.  What may seem like the simplest of kind gestures to one may mean the world to another and what may be well intended but poorly thought out can tear an other's heart apart.  It shines light great and bright on why forgiveness, compassion, refraining from judging another are repeated over and over in the Bible and most Holy Books.  We are perfectly human, capable of love but incapable of loving everyone completely and without flaw.  In other words even when our hearts are in the right place we are going to hurt others along the way.  We can only hope that they will extend us those gifts.  Admittedly sometimes that can be very difficult.  But for Christians (my belief, therefore the only one I can truly speak for) we have already been extended that gift in it's greatest form from Jesus.  Realizing that others are just as human as we are and going to make mistakes, even intentional ones because they think differently, have lived a different life, been taught differently...any number of circumstances can cause this is so important.

I personally think that a key that many books and sermon's leave out when it comes to forgiveness is love.  It takes love to forgive and love is a gift we give it is not or should not be conditional or earned (agape love) .  "Love covers a multitude of sins"  "Love your neighbor as yourself"  "..The greatest of these is love".  While I am no Bible Scholar, when I try to recall what I have read in the Gospels it seems to me they are a guide for us on how WE SHOULD LIVE OUR OWN LIVES not how we should try and change others, aside from being the best example of God's love that we can be.  We are even told to "love our enemies"  We are told if we have a grievance with someone to tell them.  That puts the ball in their court so to speak and that's the best we can do and then let it go.  At that point they know they have hurt you, if by chance they didn't realize it, and  they can make their choice to set things right or not.  Loving and forgiving does not mean that they will not face the consequences of their actions or that we must continue in the hurtful or abusive relationship.  It means we realize they are human too and will make mistakes just like us, it means we will not close the door.  And the difficult part is understanding the difference between justice and revenge and that we can rest in knowing justice will hopefully be served but vengeance most definitely will...BY GOD.

Let's look at an extreme case, say a man has murdered your child, you can bring him before the courts for justice.  You can have your chance to let him know the hurt he has imposed upon you and your family.  NOTHING he can do will take that pain away, I can tell you that right now.  But he has a choice in his actions, he can admit to his wrong doings and apologize and do what justice calls for to serve his penance or he can show no remorse at all.  (Keep in mind only God knows what is going on in his heart) At this point you must let it go.  If it helps try to imagine what in his life might have led him to make such choices, sometimes this helps us sympathize.  At which point you might find yourself pitying the person because the punishment he will face from God is so much far greater than anything you could have even imagined imposing upon him, especially had he shown remorse.  Even if he comes to know God before his time here on Earth is done and he is allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven the guilt and shame he will face and live with from the time he is saved til he goes home I would imagine would be so extreme as to be enough punishment in and of itself.

What about when it's God we are angry with?  How could God allow my loved one to suffer and die from this.....?  This one I can answer from experience!  God is our example!  He understands our pain and is compassionate and though day after day I may be angry God is still there saying "I understand and I'm so sorry you are hurting" and He tries to put people in our lives to help us through our grief.   People who will be His arms to hug me, strangers who will say just the right thing out of the blue with no knowledge that they are being used as His messenger.  And He doesn't give up.  God never says "Look I said I was sorry what more do you want!"  Sometimes it's hard to see all He is doing to try and comfort us because our pain is so great and He even understands that.  And the greatest part is He is caring for our loved one as Royalty, as the son/daughter of a King that they are and promises us that He will reunite us with them and treat us the same way in time.  Really, when I think about it, God is taking the heat for Satan just to help us and comfort us even when we are being angry towards Him because it is written that it is God's will that NONE shall perish but rather all shall have ever lasting life.  How much more loving can one get?

You might be saying "He could have saved my child and then none of this would even be an issue".  I know that's what I am thinking but then I picture my son being treated as a prince, no pain, no sorrow...in paradise.  I can't even picture paradise!  If God had asked me first would I have denied my son that for my own comfort of having him with me?  How selfish would that have been?  My only lingering question is was my son ready to move on?  I can't answer that.  Would you be?  If given the choice between continuing life here on Earth in our imperfect society, in pain  or eternal life in paradise treated as royalty with Our Lord Jesus and loved ones and knowing that our other loved ones will be joining us in the blink of an eye....what would you choose?

WOULD YOU STAND BEHIND ME?

Many of you know me and know my health background.  Suffice it to say that what I am offering is a labor of love because it will be VERY difficult for me.  I have a neuromuscular disease and am  in constant pain among other symptoms.  We tried the walk-a-thon and  while we had a few extremely dedicated walkers and a couple very generous donors over all the turnout was byoned disappointing.  I don't want to ask volunteers to go through all that my wonderful volunteers did before for nothing.  So this one I'm putting all on myself IF anyone cares enough to sponsor me or offer pledges ...I will load up my camping gear and supplies and set out on my bike and ride just as far as I possibly can.

I need to raise $19000 to pay for all funeral expenses not including a flower vase and the remainder needed to open the Annual Andrew James Hensley Memorial Scholarship  I need $13,800 for funeral expensese soon or it will go to collections. (A big thank you to Sunset Memory Gardens for being so patient and helping us in every way possible) and roughly $6000 more for a student to begin receiving the scholarship.  Of course the more we can raise for the scholarship the more help the student who recieves it each year will benefit from. 

I will post all of my expenses that come from any of the funds such as lodging, food, or repairs and I will be thrifty.  I will also post short videos, pictures and short blogs from my phone when possible.  And I am more than willing to wear clothing to advertise for any major sponsors or promote your product in any reasonable way.

My one request is this...I have only one child left and she is everything to me  Sept 13 this year is her Sweet 16 birthday and especially considering all our family has been through I ask that somehow, someway I get to celebrate her birthday with her even if I am still on the road.  I have got to make her 16th birthday one she will remember and bring a big smile to her face.

Between Google, facebook and Twitter are there enough people out there who will help spread this around and help me get enough people to pledge and sponsor me make it possible for me to make this happen?  If you will help commit to helping me in this endeavor please contact me with the amount you are willing to pledge or sponsor for and any requirements for your sponosorship.

If you wish to go ahead and donate you may do so here:

SUPPORTING A MOM'S LABOR OF LOVE AND HELPING BUILD A BETTER TOMORROW THROUGH THE ANDREW JAMES HENSLEY MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND

Please do let me know who you are, the amount of your donation and your mailing address so that I can personally thank you.  If you wish to get involved but wait to see if I have enough people stand behind me to make the ride worthwhile then please write me and let me know and I will update on here if I have any supporters and when I plan on setting out and request your donations.

I am completely new to this and always open to suggestions to make this better...thank you!

DO NOT TRUST DOCTORS!

I had it explained to me today why we should not trust doctors.  This is not to say that all doctor's are untrustworthy but we cannot take the risk.  Doing so cost me my son's life.  You see, at least here in Indiana, the way the laws are set up for wrongful death and malpractice law suits only 13% of the cases filed end up winning.  Cases that are expensive and lengthy which generally the lawyers only get paid a percentage of the WINNINGS and nothing if you lose.  In Indiana you basically have to go to 'court"  before three, what else?  Doctors and one lawyer before you can even officially file your case in a real court and if something is not presented in that more or less make believe court then it cannot be presented in the real court.  Generally if you don't make it past the make believe court you done anyway.

Now, as in our case, if something is written in that tiny print in the package insert with the medication, you know the one, the one nobody reads then you are expected to know it regardless of whether your doctor told you differently or not.  Yes, sure you pay him over $100 per visit.   Yes sure he is suppose to be the professional you are suppose to be able to trust.  Yes, of course that is why we go to doctors, to be advised as to what to do for our medical issues.  But guess what!  They don't have to tell you the truth!  They can give you instructions that can kill you but if the info is in that tiny print you are expected to know it and they get to walk away as though nothing ever happened AND still charge you for it!

This is what I learned today...straight from the lawyers mouth...face to face...

Learning Quickly the Hard Way (Please excuse typos..computer won't allow me to correct)

Why do we have specialists?  Why must we go to doctors for treatment if we know what the treatment will be?  I have this belief, a belief not everyone agrees with, some even think it's just mean, unfair and horrible but I do not believe that everyone should go to college.  Now before you get all upset about this hear me out.  In dealing with businesses it has become obvious that WHAT your degree is in is insignificant so why would it be important?  We have young men and women paying to attend college who are good with their hands, who are artists and musicians, authors etc  Careers where a college class might be beneficial but a degree totally unecessary.  Author's for instance, they attend college to learn proper grammer but when writing a book more often than not that proper grammer is going to make the book much less interesting.  What makes the book interesting is when the author writes in the dialect or slang of the characters within the book.  It's the same with musicians.  When it comes to artistic value, the value is in the hands of the person who does or does not appreciate the work.  Some love Picasso while other's don't get his work at all...other's love Thomas Kincaid...while still others will pay millions for the art of an elephant!  Basically requiring a college degree just for the sake of the degree is causing true craftmanship to become nearly extinct while major factories who have found quick and cheap ways of constructing items in bulk put them out of business.

And the "buyer beware" attitude is enabling this even further.  With the recent death of our son, one of the reasons some lawyers have given for not taking his case for wrongful death is that despite what his pain management specialist told us, and we trusted him, the correct information was in small print in the package insert.  I ask you, if you have asked your doctor directly and think he has answered your questions why would you read the insert?  How many of you read the package insert if your questions have already been answered?

I've learned that YOU must take pictures, keep all receipts, inventory, have detailed contracts etc for any business deal you enter into or you will likely get screwed.  Do not trust professionals, friends, or even what seems to be the simplest of transactions....do not even trust police, doctors or hospitals etc.

I have a court order in my divorce decree from Andy's father stating that he is to carry health insurance on him whether I do or not and that he is responsible for all out of pocket medical expenses but have yet to find a lawyer who will fight to uphold that court order. (although up until now I admit I have not pursued it greatly) Our STATE law requires automatically that he pay for all out of pocket over 4% and still he has not only been allowed to fall more than $15000 behind but he has never been required to pay a dime on any medical bills, nor has he been required to pay for any part of our son's funeral while he did collect life insurance on him.

Meanwhile our life insurance that we have through my husband's work assured us the day we made the funeral arrangements in a recorded phone conversation that their computer showed that everything was "good to go" for such and such amount.  We went through the funeral and weeks later they notified the funeral home (not us) that they were denying the claim due to failure on Andy's part to sign a statement of health.  Now our policy is available to us on the computer and at no time UNTIL AFTER THIS POINT was there any mention of a statement of health being needed and now suddenly there was a note (not where it should have been..in my husbands profile message box) stating that He and I needed to sign this statement.  It also stated that the policy would not be activated untill all necessary paperwork was recieved...and they had been collecting premiums on us from day one.  When questioned on this they dropped it and said it was a mistake and we would get out check in a week or so.  My husband called weekly and got the same response until at last they gave us a date.  That date came and there was no check so my husband called once again to be told that they claim was denied due to that statement of health but that they would be willing to refund the premiums we had paid.  We said no, that we would pursue this with a lawyer.  (Next screw over) We made an appointment and spoke with a lawyer that came with high reccommendations from a friend.  He seemed wonderful, caring, compassionatest his son 4 years prior and went on about how he could relate.  We signed papers agreeing to hire him on to represent us, agreeing to his fees etc.  Then he even hugged me and said, and I quote "Don't you worry little mamma, you have enough on your plate.  We will get your son's name up there where it belongs (referring to on his tomb).  You let me handle it from here."  Which we did.  We got him all the information he requested.  He said he sent them a letter and they had 1 month to respond.  If they settled great if not then we would go on to court.  A month went by and we heard nothing.  We tried calling him and left messages.  He never returned our phone calls.  Finally my husband went to his office and was handed our file with a business apology "I'm just too busy to take on your case at this time."  Mind you our case is time sensitive.  Now I have MORE to worry about!

I found out that a petition was being circulated to have Andy's football number retired and a large number of people had signed it.  But due to rumors, the athletic's director at our small school...a school where Andy gave a great deal too, refused to retire it based on the "circumstances surrounding his death".  WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES!?  He had been in touch with us.  We have been trying to raise money for a memorial scholarship for students from the school.  Why?  I ask myself that now since the schoo is turning their back on us like this.  My son died from an accidental fentanyl overdose..a prescribed medication that has been recalled at least 3 times already and killed over 120 patients USING IT AS THEIR DOCTORS TOLD THEM. The patches are defective and the doctors are not disclosing all the proper information and using it improperly.  I could go on and on but first and foremost Andy should have never even been put on that patch due to severe central sleep apnea...THAT IS IN LARGE PRINT IN THE INSERT...so shouldn't the doctor..a specialist know this?

WE are expected to read inserts while paying large amounts of money to specialists for what?  Exactly what are the "professionals" responsible for?  Are there no reprocussions for them and their mistakes?  We have had to pay with our son's life and all of our funds available.....including to them!  This is absurd!

When just anyone can go to college there is no way of knowing who is the expert at what...be it pain management or carpentry.  There should be no shame in having a skill that does not require a college degree...a skill that others could not do degree or not.  There should be no shame in working hard doing back breaking labor to earn a good paycheck to support your family without a college degree...someone has to do it and many of those who are cut out for college wouldn't last a day doing those jobs!

Further why does our govt offer a tax deduction for child care but nothing for families who have a parent who chooses to stay home and raise their children themselves?  A sizeable tax deduction for married couples who have one stay at home parent would encourage neuclear families to try and make it work, would decrease the number of latch key kids, improve the quality of life for families and children and open up good paying jobs for the breadwinners of families.  I know exactly why..he is helping perpetuate the nasty rumors spread by a handful of people, including a sherriff who has no business wearing the uniform, who have no idea what the truth is. He could have just asked.   A BIG reason why we want to move from this area.  That's realy bad when Sheriffs get by with discussing cases in public at all whether they have their facts straight of not and worse yet when a school enables them and turns their back on one of their top honor students and athletes...and athelete who would not have even been in the circumstances he was in were it not for giving the schools team his all.

I miss the days when honesty and integrity were expected and reveered.  Looking back over my lifetime I can't pinpoint exactly when things flip flopped  but they clearly did.  I however can't fight dirty..and if we don't find a lawyer who can help us soon I see only one way I can help my family

Thursday, August 30, 2012

6:00pm

your own home or place of your choicefor the release.

If you have lost a loved one all you need to do to participate is on August 30th tie the appropriate colored balloon(s) in front of your home, attatch a note if you like (especially healing for children) and at 6pm Eastern Central time everyone release their balloon(s) to send to their loved one(s) in Heaven. Colors: Pink-daughter Blue-son Yellow-miscarriage Red-spouse/bf/gf/ significant other Lavender(light purple)-Brother/sister Dark pruple-grandchild Green-Niece/Nephew/cousin Orange-Best friend White-aunt/uncle silver-grandparent Gold-parent Brown-beloved pet





"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY!"

"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HELP! YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE. HELP!" -THE BEATLES

I HAVE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE.  I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I just can't.  Call me weak.  Judge me a selfish person.  I FOUGHT with my son to get his life back!!!! And I watched him do as he was told and get labeled by doctors and people as an "addict" and a "drug chaser" and a "doctor shopper" all because he went to the doctor's he was told to go to and took the medicine he was told to take.  I held him and cried with him when nothing seemed to be working and nobody seemed to know what was going on, and then when they did and all the painful procedures he had to endure.  I exhausted myself and pushed myself out of my own comfort zone at times by standing up to nurses and doctor's who were making very big mistakes.  Yet I live with not catching the biggest mistake of all, the one that cost him his life.  I let him down.  I let down my son who had also become my best friend because we were always together, and we talked about everything.  Our "social life" was watching tv together or discussing politics.  We didn't know much of what was going on in the world outside the hospital rooms and doctor's offices and those in the outside world really couldn't understand ours like only we could because we were the only two living it every day.  But this one time I didn't research this medication.  I DID ask his doctor about it's safety because I had been given it in the hospital and when I was moved to a regular room the nurses on that floor were afraid of handling it but he reassured me and I just trusted him and now my son and friend is dead.

Add to this just after Andy's death one of our cat's, coincidently Andy's favorite, gets hit by a car and killed.  I know not all people are animal lovers but I am.  My "pets" are part of my family.

THEN we are told by the funeral home that our insurance company is denying our claim saying that Andy didn't sign a statement of health.  Mind you at no time were I or Andy ever sent a statement of health to sign, it was never mentioned in my husbands message box in his online profile in other words we were never told anything about it, they simply began taking the premiums for the higher policy out of my husbands pay check after he inquired about (Didn't even say he wanted) larger life insurance policies on all of us.  Their own website says they will not make a policy effective until all statements needed are recieved and ours was made effective obviously, they were taking out the money for the larger policy and they told my husband the day we made the funeral arrangement on the phone from the funeral home that everythine was fine and good to go for the larger policy.  Then AFTER the funeral (and money is spent) they deny the claim and paying anything at all because Andy hadn't signed a statement of health.

Add to that his father who everyone is giving all the sympathy too is refusing to pay a dime for his son's funeral while my husband has shouldered paying to raise Andy since he was 4 years old, parenting him, keeping the insurance on him, nurturing him when he was sick, paying for all his medical bills despite my divorce decree stating that his father is to keep insurance on him even if I have it on him and pay all out of pocket medical expenses. He never paid a dime and was so far behind on child support that when our son died and he came into a healthy life insurance claim he was able to pay up his large back child support which HE thinks is his part of the funeral costs.  Soooo...let me get this straight...he was not paying his support as a savings account for our son's funeral when he dies at the age of 20??  No sorry...So my son's body may end up in a cooler until we can afford to bury him and pay for his funeral.

Unless an attorney can help us.  We have found out that businesses including lawyers and charitable foundations can break contracts with you it's you that can't break contracts with them.  We went to one attorney who said he would take our case and told us what he was doing and we were under the impression we were waiting...and waiting until finally we thought "Boy we sure have waited a long time" and tried to contact our lawyer and got no phone calls returned so my husband went up there only to be handed our folder and told sorry he was just to busy to take on this case. WHAT!!!????  Ummm...shouldn't that have been what you said two months ago when you said "don't you worry mamma we'll get your son's name up there where it belongs" referring to on his tomb. When you told me not to worry anymore to let you do that?  Shouldn't you instead have said "I wish I could help you but I have no extra time at this time."?  Really wasn't signing those papers about how much your part would be if you won the case a bit misleading?

And I won't even get into the ridiculous thinking that must have been put behind lawyers who would have any trouble proving medical malpractice or wrongful death or even how the entire thing was just wrong.  First of all that "doctors" for an insurance company who have never seen, spoke to, examined or anything my son make decisions about his life for instance that it is wiser to keep a 19 year old young highly promising college student on strong addictive (dare I say these words together and risk encouraging the misconception so many have that the two go hand in hand) narcotic pain medications as well as addictive benzo's for a long period of time, possibly a life time in which case he would eventually hit a point where he would have to live with taking the medications and still live with intolerable pain as if he had taken nothing for it.  As our bodies naturally produce opiod pain relief and sometimes the pain is so severe our bodies can't keep up so addictional is needed (prescription).  When we take medication because it's needed we do not feel an "high" from the medication we are simply lucky if it decreases our pain.  The thing is sometimes the body, if taking those medications long enough, comes to rely on them.  This is called a dependence.  And you could say the body gets lazy since this isn't something that is normally always needed and starts allowing the artificial medication to do more and more work...requiring a higher dose.  This is called building a tolderance.  These are natural and not to be confused with addiction.  When we think of addiction we think of someone who does it for the high, then comes to need that high, CRAVE it.  Most pain patients would gladly walk away from their meds if they weren't necessary.   Anyway...eventually he would have reached a point where the amount of , where his body could not handle the amount of medication necessary for him to not suffer, it would have killed him as basically it did.  The wise insurance doctors found this the better choice than to allow a minamally invasive surgery that his specialist doctor has personally had excellent success with and many other sports doctor's around the country have as well? Or no lawyer can prove medical malpractice when a doctor gave a 19 year old young man known severe sleep apnea, who is still in such pain that he can't get comfortable so he can't sleep any reasonable schedule therefore can't know when he might fall asleep to put on his bi-pap mask, a dermal patch for the most powerful pain medication that also coicidentally has been recalled already 3 times and caused over 129 deaths.  A medication that's insert states clearly not to be prescribed to patients with sleep apnea.  Central sleep apnea is the most extreme type of sleep apnea and the kind Andy had.  It would only help the lawyers that he started getting sick pretty much as soon as he started on the patch and his doctor knew this and just said it was from getting out around people more, that he had picked up a bug.  Shouldn't he have thought twice about that bug when Andy went into respitory failure within a month of going on the patch?  Oh well maybe he thought it was because of Andy taking a cold pill that added to his sleepiness but then why would he prescribe Klonopin?  And as his symptoms progressed or didn't go away and being a pain management doctor shouldn't he have recognized them as symptoms of too much fentanyl and put him not getting better together and thought "HEY WE NEED TO GET HIM OFF THIS PATCH NOW!"?  Is it really extraordinary to expect a pain management specialist to have done these things?  Or to have told him not to use the heating pad or hot tub?  or to have realized that his fever would increase the amount of medication that was being released?  THIS IS ALL IN SIMPLE ENGLISH IN THE INSERT AVAILABLE TO READ ONLINE!!!!!  I blame myself for not having looked it up.  For having trusted this doctor.  But shouldn't the law blame this doctor?

Annnd...my dog is very sick and possibly dieing.

And that's not all...before knowing about the life insurance, we committed ourselves to forming an ANDREW HENSLEY MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND for students from his high school.  You'd think that GIVING money to help students to further their education would be easy and a nice thing to do right? HA!  WRONG!  And the president of the foundation we have to go through has been trying his best to swindle us from the get go and we are about to go to have to either go to  court about that if he doesn't make things right real soon or let all the money we and others have worked so hard for and so generously donated for this particular scholarship go to His pet projects.

All the while it's like the world has literally turned upside down.  We were seeing a grief counselor and for me at least she is sitting there hearing how I want to die and telling me how these episodes I experience are "disassociative fugues" and could last a year or longer and I might want to talk to my doctor about upping my anti anxiety medication (while with Derek they have him see a doctor there) and how she feels we're ready to see her less often!  For the most part I've been completely surprised and a bit confused, the people I THOUGHT would have been there for me through all of this haven't been around much if at all, not even a message on the computer, while other's who I either would have least expected it or who I didn't think knew me to where they would have really cared that much have been the one's who have been amazingly supportive.

IF I do give up this fight I don't want those of you who have been there to think that this is any failure on your part.  I'm the one who is failing.  I don't know how much longer I can stand the pain.  I mean ALL of the pain.  The emotional pain is the most excrutiating ever and if one more thing is added...I don't know that it will even take one more thing because emotional stress makes my physical illnesses worse and my physical pain is off the charts but to do anything about the emotional I have to stay busy and if I rest at all...welll....but physically I can't go on like this.  One way or another I'm going to break. :(  And as I see it, either way I break I'm likely to be going home myself.  I bet you thought I was going to take my own life!  How about that...I'm not going to have to.