Eight months have passed now since you left this world, since I last heard you laugh or saw you smile. The world goes on but like for you, part of me stopped living last January and also like with you I can't seem to ever bring it back.
Yet, unlike you, I am not living in paradise. I'm left here with heartache, missing you. So many thoughts and questions running through my head, left unanswered, so many loose ends left yet to be tied. What exactly happened that night? I know what I do know so I know that the description of you on the autopsy report is not the only mistake they made. Therefore I don't know for sure what did happen. Could I have prevented your death? Were you scared? Did you want me and I wasn't there? Are you angry with me? DID I LET YOU DOWN? Why did you have to go so young? Does God hate me? Is that why? What did I do? There HAS to be some purpose to all of this because even now I mourn alone with just a couple of exceptions and a couple of your "brothers". Not one adult has stopped by to see how I am, how we are. I guess that's probably for the best because I'm not much for conversation these days. The boys come by to watch football with me and I can't . I can't watch Sunday Football(or Thursday or Monday Night) without you. There has been no Chili on Sunday and Touchdown Teddy hasn't been moved this season. I should have buried him with you.
Sometimes I think how easy it would be to take a few too many of my pills, perhaps wash them down with a strong alcoholic drink and just go to sleep...wake up where you are. No one here would miss me. You can't miss someone who you already don't have in your life. What stops me? Your sister. For one I honestly don't know what it would do to her. She keeps her feelings to herself. I admit I take it personally. I try so hard to talk to her. I can't figure out why you and I could talk so openly , so easily and yet she doesn't trust me with her feelings. Still selfishly I want to be here to see the young woman she becomes. Will she marry? Have children? I wish she could see herself through my eyes and see just how beautiful and talented she truly is but she thinks I just feel that way because I am her mom. That is so not true. You always knew that I'd be upfront with you why doesn't she? And there's Kyle. He's really been put through hell by his mom and Tim but Andy you would be so impressed with the young man he is becoming. He's a hard worker, has an amazing new girlfriend, has been holding down a good paying job despite hating getting up EARLY (and even going to work very sick...his "parents" dropped him from their insurance just to be spiteful) He is trying really hard to go to college even though doing so is getting him served with restraining orders...yes by you guessed it...his "parents". He doesn't even go around them and they are doing all they can to make his life as difficult as possible. You know how you have to have our (parents) tax info for the FASFA to go to college right? Well they refuse to give him theirs and they refuse to sign papers to emmancipate him...nice huh? What hurts so bad is that people like that, who could care less about their kids have them if they would just love them like they should while I don't have you anymore. :( If we ever get in a position finacially where we can, we will see to it that Kyle goes to college. We've already discussed it. As long as he keeps his grades up, goes to class and takes it seriously and we believe he will...we will pay for it if we are ever in a position to be able to. Lucas is moving to Texas. This worries me but there are some good community colleges where he is moving to and he says he wants to get into one. Please watch over him. I'm really going to miss him. In a way I feel like I'm losing another son. And he's dealing with so much, he REALLY needs the support system he has here at this time. May God be with him at all times and give him the best and loudest guardian angel He has.
Don't worrry. I'm not going to do what Iwas talking about. I just think about it. I know Dad and Cat are having just as hard of a time living here in this community and with the lack of support because even Cat wants to move and you know how dead set she was against it before. Even when we have tried to give back via the scholarship nobody showed and we put so much into that walk-a-thon. Not one of your coaches has even sent a card of condolence let alone spoke to us when essentially you gave your life that football team. And with all you put into that school only Mr Huff and Mrs Baily showed any sympathy at all. Part of me keeps telling myself that it's not for them it's for the kids but none of the kids showed up either so if they don't care why not put the effort towards someone or a group who WILL? I felt like I'd disappoint you if I changed that but you aren't here are you? So I doubt that you care as long as I"m doing something good...and that I will do because that was who you were and how you were. (I do intend to do something for the band..I don't know what, how or when yet but they have been very good to us...it is the least I can do. And I don't want to see any school lose their music program. Music is the universal language that speaks to the soul..it's too important)
This has been nice. Almost like I"m hearing you. Like we are talking like we used to! I've missed this! And yes, I hear you on the topic of politics. I'm avoiding that deliberately. I don't want to get you and Pappy in trouble up there...I KNOW your tempers when it comes to politics! Besides, I've the feeling something big is about to blow up and I"m just praying like never before that God's hand be upon us and that it be quick and painless. You know what I mean...what a GLORIOUS DAY!!!!! Besides, I don't think you miss politics now all that much. You might just miss our discussions. Afterall what use would you have to concern yourself with all that now other than for good ole conversation?
Baby, I miss you so much. If I let you down in anyway please forgive me? And if my pain hurts you now forgive me. I can't help it. Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy. I don't know what is real and what is not. How could you be gone? Sometimes I wonder if these periods when I "zone out" are my brain shutting down because the stress/trauma is too much (as science says) or is that maybe when my spirit is with you? If it's the latter I sure with I could remember. Wouldn't that stink, to be getting to actually spend time with the other half of my heart as requested but not allowed to remember!
Well, I don't want to end this conversation but I have to. I have things that have to get done. Know that I will always love you!
Love,
Mom
P.S.
Any chance of my eagle today????
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