With the Holidays upon us I feel as if I've regressed back to last February. Everything is hitting me so strong. Unfortunately I don't have shock to protect me other than the fugues are increasing. Reality is staring me all to harshly in the face and I have the full knowledge that there is no escaping it. My body is suffering from it more than ever now. I thought this would come. I'll deal with it. There's no way I will put my life in a doctor's hands as a pain patient beyond what I already am. I shouldn't have to explain why.
I'm so tired of life always being about "just get through this day". I was tired of that long ago but my kids were my light at the end of the tunnel then Andy gets taken away? I started this blog for a couple of reasons. One main one being because I had trouble finding out if what I was feeling was "normal". On a lot of the forums and such when you're new you don't know what to ask, what to say or anyone to talk to. You just want answers. Answers you eventually find out aren't there other than that what you are going through is normal, losing a child is such if not the most extreme loss that there is no truly "normal" reaction so whatever gets you through it is "normal". Further it seems you live the rest if your life finding ways to get you through it. It's not a grief that eventually dissipates to bearable. We live with a life of not only the loss and memories from the past but continuous moments throughout our lives which are "would have been" milestones for our child we lost. All the dreams and goals they had and guessing would they have attained them at this point? What would their life be like? It's not the same as when an older person dies. They've had the chance to accomplish their dreams and goals, maybe not all of them but reasonable time usually. (goodbye always comes too soon) but when a parent mourns their child they can't end because there truly is so much that they SHOULD have got to do. Andy should have graduated from Wabash by now be starting his life, spreading his wings. Who knows, maybe getting married? He should have been making plans to come home for Christmas.
I tell you with complete confidence, parents take their time with their children for granted. You can try and argue any case with me but I guarantee you that there isn't a parent in our society who if they lost a child tonight like I did wouldn't find so many times looking back that they wish they had spent more time with them, accepted them for who they are, been more understanding or supportive, or something. Even we stay at home mom's who devote our lives to our children find something. Don't let people tell you that you are going to spoil your baby if you pick him/her up every time he/she cries! You are telling your baby "I'm here for you" and you only have a very short time when you CAN pick your baby up like that and hold him in your arms. Don't complain that your child talks too much! You have no idea how much you will miss that voice chattering on when it's not there. Next time you feel like a human ATM thank God for your "customers". Cherish every milestone, every happy moment, every event, every chance you get to spend getting to know your child and build a closer relationship.
I've also come to realize that we don't divide our hearts among our children. We give our entire heart to each of our children. Which puts some of us in a very confusing position. Andy took my heart with him yet I have Caitlyn who holds my heart too. I now understand all too well why when my brother was killed I felt as if I was suddenly thought of as more mature and left to handle more on my own. I was 13 and went from being overly protected to a latchkey kid of sorts. I had mixed feelings about that then, mostly it was cool to a previously overly protected teenager. That said a grieving 13 yr old who is ignorant of the true ways of the world doesn't always know what is best for her. But now I understand what my parents were going through. Jerry was the eldest boy and he had a heart of gold. My parents cherished family. My mom was a stay at home mom who raised 5 of us. Yes, I can understand why they needed their time and a lot of it. No parent is perfect but if I had to say where I thought my parents lacked that would not be anything to do with any reason and never would have. Had it not happened my life might be very different today and in a much better way but it did and nobody was to blame. Certainly not my parents. What is the right answer? Ideally there would be family and friends who step up and offer to take the other child(ren) or at home child for anything from a movie to weekend get-a-ways, just fixing dinner and sending it over or at least inviting the child(ren) over for dinner to give the parents alone time would make a huge difference. IF they will go that is.
(to be cont)
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