TIME

One of the hardest things for me is thinking how this time last year things were so different.  How we take "normal" for granted and how it can change so quickly and drastically.  This time last year I still had a chance to change things.  This time last year Andy and I argued quite a bit about him speaking up to his doctor about him not doing anything about his symptoms and all that was going on with him.  I didn't push hard enough.  I understood where he was coming from because we both had, Derek had, and we had just been written off..."it's just a virus that needs to run it's course" . I knew better!  No virus lasts for that many months!  But I understood how he felt.  Most of the journey had been full of insults, insinuations and like talking to brick walls at best so you do get to the point of "why bother?  They aren't going to do anything anyway."  When you cry out for help enough times and get no response you eventually figure you are on your own...that's how he felt.  I admit I was discouraged too.  I had my chance and I failed my son.

To top things off I spend his last Christmas running around trying to help make Christmas better for other people instead of spending it with my kids...my last chance to spend Christmas with my son.  We did spend Christmas together but still, I feel like I lost a lot of precious time.

The one thing I am thankful for is all the time I did spend with him in the hospital.  I'm not thankful he had to be in the hospital but that I was there, the entire time.  We had so many conversations and I will cherish those forever. 

Most of the time, I felt helpless.  I had ran out of ideas of where to turn.  Mom's are suppose to have the answers.  Mom's are suppose to make things all better.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  HE never made me feel that way but I felt that way.  That's the kind of person he was.  Always more worried abut others.  I remember one night finding him at the bottom of the stairs lying there just sobbing.  He couldn't make it up the stairs.  In his mind though he was thinking about how did I manage all these years?  I explained to him that I grew up with this more or less.  I never really knew much different.  Unlike him who had a great life with dreams and aspirations that were coming true and would come true.  I always was in survival mode...fighting and learning to adapt.  Then we talked about learning to adapt if things had to remain this way for much longer.  It seemed to help some but I don't know.  How can we ever really know what is going on in another's head if they don't tell us?  Some people wonder why I speak my feelings...this is why.  How can anyone know what you are truly feeling if you don't tell them?  Including when you are upset or angry...nobody can change anything if they don't know how you are feeling or if there is something you need from them.

I do NOT understand how the doctors who are paid big money to be responsible for our care and our loved one's care are not held responsible in cases like this?  This infuriates me!  HE WAS THE EXPERT!  WE TRUSTED HIM!  And I have heard from many others who have gone through the same thing...losing a child due to a doctor ignorant of how dangerous and potent fentanyl is.

My chances to change things ran out.  Now my son is gone.  Forever.  My life, my family will never be the same.  I will always feel that I failed him.  I will always think about how if only I had pushed the doctors harder, insisted, screamed til they listened.  Doctor's are not God even if so many seem to think that they are.  I wanted to take him down to a doctor in Atlanta who specialized in nothing but his kind of injury but we let his PM doctor talk us out of it..just less than a month before his death.  How might things be different today if I had just made the appointment and taken him down there?  When he was little and we lived in Indy, his first doctor always told me "YOU are his mother, you know him better than anyone else...trust your instincts...if you feel that something is wrong then something is wrong."  If only I had trusted my instincts...I wonder how different today would be?