My thoughts have been side tracked lately, as a young man I've come to know over the past few months who's name happens to be Andrew just lost his last surviving parent. (PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS) Don't think I didn't notice the irony that in the same year I lost my Andrew and Andrew lost his parents. He's younger than my Andy, in between Andy and Cat in age. I can't imagine what he must be going through. Yes, I've lost both of my parents, a brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and obviously my son but to be on your own at 19? I've tried reaching out to him yet of all the kids I have who call me "mom" , who come in and out my door still. Of all the kids who will ALWAYS have a home with me and know that, This one in particular always feels he's "imposing". I keep praying God will show him differently.
I have no idea how he is getting through these days right now. I hope he isn't being taken advantage of or mislead in any way while making arrangements. I know how confusing it was to me. I don't think I could have done it alone at 24 with mom or at 34 with Dad. There are things I wish I'd done different at 44 with Andy's. I mean, here at a time when you least want to be making decisions like that, when your mind can't focus on anything you have to go in and sit down and make $10,000 plus permanent final decisions for your loved one.
Just a note, if you are a parent no matter how young, make sure you have life insurance and a will with a guardian named for your child(ren). Better yet you might want to do like my Dad did. He avoided the inheritance tax by placing everything in our names long before he passed so we owned his house etc, we didn't "inherit" it. He had pretty much all of his final arrangements taken care of. We just had to pick out music and pictures and things like that. And what I think it the hardest of all, sort through a lifetime of memories. I still haven't touched Andy's. I can't. I tried, just washing up his dirty laundry took me til this past month and wow did it throw me for a loop. It felt NORMAL again! But I knew it wasn't. I felt like it was a normal weekend, he had come home from college and I was washing up his laundry for him and at any time he would come in and get it and say "Thanks mom" . But the clothes just hung there until Derek moved them. Andy never came in and got them and I never heard "Thanks mom". We didn't eat chili and watch the Colt's play then I didn't take him back to Crawfordsville. The clothes just hung there and I cried. Pictures of him wearing them flashed before me. I could tell you exactly what occasion he would wear which outfit for, which one's were his favorites, even which one's I personally didn't care for on him. Oh how I wish I could see him walking in right now in one of those so I could think "Ya know that really doesn't bring out your better qualities" but keep it to myself.
I still find myself thinking all the time "how can you be gone?" "It can't be real" Then sometimes I feel as if I'm losing my mind, not even sure what is and isn't real. How can my beautiful boy be gone? It's as if it's a cruel joke and I want it to be over! "Come out now!" I want to scream! "This isn't funny! Come out right now!"
I want to go back to a year and a half ago before he ever was put on that patch with what I know now!!!! I think I can't get over this one particular mountain-Andy's death could have been prevented. If he had not been on that blasted patch he would still be here today. So SOMEBODY is to blame for his death! And as I see it that falls on those he trusted his life to-His doctor and me. No lawyer will touch the case. One told me that "all the information that you have told us that the doctor failed to tell you is in the package insert. They will simply say you should have read it." So in other words it doesn't matter what the professional who is paid hundreds of dollars tells you, even with doctor's "Let the buyer beware". It's MY fault my son is dead. I DID ask questions mind you. But I asked the doctor. Good Lord I even recommended this man to others! He was kind and compassionate, a Christian. He made us feel very comfortable and like we could trust him. Further he was really the only doctor around who did actually help Andy. There are some truly horrible pain management specialists around and not many to choose from in our area. This doctor was both pain management and a spine and neck injury specialist. I blame the government as well. Their handling of pain patients is so wrong. They treat them automatically like criminals. They put them in a position where they are afraid to be honest with their doctors because they are constantly being profiled and one wrong statement can get you profiled wrong as a user or abuser and you get cut off. I know of one man who was in severe back pain. He could not move and he kept telling his doctor that. But back pain is one they know so little about that many abusers will use that to get their drugs so his doctor wouldn't listen. His son was desperate for some relief for him and was searching everywhere (yes illegally) for some pain medication to help his Dad. To make this story short, eventually they DID discover his Dad had cancer. He was put on the strongest of fentanyl patches and died less than three months later.
I have done my research now and a lot of it. Let it come as no surprise to anyone that I intend to be a loud advocate for the legalization of marijuana and DMT. Why our government has these illegal, well I can't say what I was going to say. I know exactly why out government has them illegal, because they can't tax them and make a profit off of them. One is a plant and the other is in nearly all living things as a naturally occurring compound. Neither has negative side effects that can't be worked around. Neither has ever caused a death due to overdose (You can't OD on them) in fact pot has a cannaboid in it that actually makes it impossible to OD on it, the same one that may be a cure for cancer! Yet it's illegal. It reduces inflammation, helps with pain even in opioid tolerant patients. It is not physically addictive. It helps with nausea and vomiting, seizures, epilepsy, and they have good reason to believe that it will be helpful in treating autoimmune diseases. It helps increase appetite at first then eventually has components that help stabilize insulin production in the body, the cause of diabetes and thyroid disease (weight gain or sometimes loss), it's a natural anti-anxiety medication. It's only negative is if you are bi-polar it can cause you to swing more rapidly. It isn't for those with bi-polar disease. They were concerned about the risk of increased cancer from smoking it but have found no evidence that that is the case.
And DMT has cured people of long time heroine and alcohol addiction and depression with just one "Trip". Scientists and "hippies" (I won't call them druggies because it's not your typical street drug) all refer to this as a spiritual awakening, not a "high". They all say it's something you come out of as a better person. SCIENTISTS say this. DMT is the same compound that your brain releases when you enter REM sleep or the dream state. Ironically it's illegal yet everyone of us carries it and uses it every night! Again I ask why would our government want to keep this away from us? With both of these, unlike the drugs they push on us whenever we go to the doctor. Drugs with side effects that can be as harmful or worse than what they are being used to treat. These two have none of that. They are created by God. Natural and healing and no bad side effects and if legal my son would be alive today. Or if we had been willing to break the law but had we done that we could not have pursued the curing surgery needed. You know that one that we never got because the insurance kept wanting Andy to try the same thing over and over again all the while remaining on and building a tolerance to the narcotic pain meds at such a young age.
He had one doctor who was so bad. He would have us sitting in his waiting room for hours, then more hours once we got back in a room. He was rude and disrespectful to both Andy and me and he WAY over medicated him with drugs that didn't work other than knocking him out. He couldn't even get through a text without nodding off! So we left that doctor (and filed several complaints), next doctor had to perform a regular "surgery" it was an ultrasound guided injection on Andy. Andy was running a fever of 101, having incredibly bad spasms and vomiting. He couldn't stand on his own. This doctor refused to sedate Andy for the procedure which is how it's suppose to be done and I could hear him yelling at him in his Indian accent to hold still and Andy in tears saying he was trying to. They brought him back to his cubical and told him to get dressed and go. I asked for a wheelchair and the nurse got rude with me and I had to argue to get one because he could not even stand. They didn't give him anything for the pain or spasms on the ride home or any dismissal papers. He felt much worse and when the hospital called for a follow up the nurse said "I can see that you are telling me the truth because #1 I would have been the one to sedate you and I know I wasn't called in and #2 I'm sitting here looking at the papers you should have been sent home with and I can see you should have never been given the procedure let alone sent home. I will have to file a complaint on this doctor" A short time later we received a letter saying that Andy was being let go due to them finding pot in his last drug test. My husband and I were there for his last appointment and heard the doctor with our own ears go over his drug test and no pot was in his system. He reported that out of spite. Shortly after that we got a letter that he had been released from that clinic and would be happy to take Andy on as a patient at his new place of employment. I think not! Now we would get accused of "doctor shopping". My question is why is that bad? Anyway, we were very happy when we found Dr Kingma (his final PM doctor). You can imagine why besides his kind and compassionate demeanor after these others he seemed like a saint! I will say he even had the courtesy to call to offer his condolences. Do I think he intentionally killed my son? No, not at all. I actually think he is a very nice man. But I don't think doctors are being as informed as they should be about fentanyl patches. If they were I think they would only prescribe them to terminal cancer patients. And I believe PM doctors would be or should be fighting for the legalization for at least medical marajuana. That would have possibly cut out three medications Andy was taking that weren't working and helped with a few other symptoms that weren't being treated and he would still be alive! As a side note: Andy should have never been put on the fentanyl due to other conditions he had such as severe central sleep apnea especially combined with some of the other medications it was combined with. We nearly lost him the previous August, after being on the patch less than a month, the same way and would have had his girlfriend from not been visting.
I look back at all the times we could have and nearly lost him sooner and I am so grateful but then I look at how easily his death could have been prevented and I am so angry. It's not right and it's not fair. How does a parent live with this? Living without your child is impossible as it is..how do you live with knowing it could have been prevented? That YOU could have prevented it?
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