Do I believe God sends His angels here to help us in Human form? Yes. When this horrible nightmare began I ran into quite a few in a very unlikely place. But there has been one in particular who has stuck this out with me and I wanted to thank her.
Like most angels, I've never seen her, never spoke to her (that I know of), never met her (that I know of), in all manners of the word she is a complete stranger to me EXCEPT shortly after Andy died I recieved a gift from her in the mail, a book and a beautiful cd with songs that I could definitely relate to with just a short note that said so much. Now I know there is no way she could have known my birthday was yesterday but somehow for my birthday I recieved a second gift in the mail..a second booklette.
Dear L you couldn't have had more perfect timing. Thank you from the bottom of what is left of my heart. All I wanted to do yesterday, and the days preceeding and somewhat still now was run...get away...as if somehow I could either run away from the pain or perhaps find Andy out there somewhere. But as the booklette said and was right on target I cannot not grieve. I can go anyplace in the world but this pain is inside of me and it will be with me until I work through it. It was also timed perfectly because I am right at that point where the shock is come and go..and when it goes it hurts so bad! I want to crawl back into it and stay there because to accept that he's gone is letting him go and that is just too painful. I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT! I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT...I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!!. I know I have said it but I mean I don't want to mean it. I don't want to feel it...I don't want to do more than just "recite" it as if it's a script. I went off of the ativan because it made me feel TOO numb yet not numb enough if that makes any sense and now take valium as needed and I try to hold off on that as much as possible. I'm TRYING to let myself feel this. I'm also terrified that these fugues will get worse but the booklette reassured me that the memory lapses are common with extreme loss. I'm not sure common was the correct word but suffice it to say that it made me a bit less worried...it's not the same as when it just happens to some people...so less likely that I"m going to just up and forget my life, as I have read can happen and was my fear.. It explained that many people in my situation do experience these and they will or should lessen with time or become shorter or less often or both.
If I had to evaluate myself I'd guess I'm still more in shock than not but it's moving more and more to the other. Because on those now I'd say blessed days of not feeling it will suddenly hit me He's gone..he's gone, My baby is gone and I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. WHY!? WHY HIM? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE? I DON'T THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS!
Then I also think, and I realize some people don't believe in this but early on he would "speak" to me fairly often and give us really clear signs he was still with us. Those have become very rare now. I thought that perhaps it was the ativan, another reason I stopped it. But I'm still not hearing him. Part of me is scared that he's angry with me. That I let him down. That I failed him. Maybe I could have saved him? But if that were the case then why was he so there for me/us in the beginning? So the only other answer is he is distancing himself so I don't keep holding on. :( It makes sense. There's the occasional sign here and there but nothing like before and if one believes in that which I do because I've experienced it all my life. (Not dial a psychic or ouji boards...those are either fake or BAD...if God wants them to contact us HE will initiate it...we should not...had to spell that out for anyone who believes and might think about trying to contact them. WHEN YOU CONTACT THEM YOU CAN BE FOOLED...YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE GETTING AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IT ISN'T GOOD) Anyway..it seems he and God must feel that it's time for me to grieve, time for me to start letting go whether I like it or not. I haven't finished the booklette. I hope it tells me how because I don't know how. As crazy as it sounds I'd rather stay stuck in shock...waiting for God's miracle and Andy to walk through the front door. I know it can happen. He raised Lazarus from the dead! But I also know that the more time that passes the less likely that is to happen. I knew that it was very unlikely to happen in the first place but I believe and hope. Then I get upset with myself because how could I, especially after this long, ask or want my son to leave paradise with Jesus just for my comfort? It's one thing to think "If you had the option of not going, as some near death patients have said (not most) then why didn't you stay!!!!!!" but it's too late for that too.
This is part of why I get NO SLEEP now. I got little before but now I can't not until I just pass out. My mind is constantly going through each and every possible even if it is far reaching and only in the slightest but if it's possible scenario of the morning of January 30th and the days even months leading up to it. All the what if's, the possibilities and now the never will be's. I hold on to one of my conversations with him (after his death). In it he was telling me how Amazing it is there but that it was impossible to describe. He also told me that WE ALL WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER SOON. When I asked how soon? He again just said soon. Now you would have to understand how my son and I would have conversations when he was alive...this was typical. So I asked "Andy, soon as in God's time or soon as in our time here on Earth?" And he said "Mom all I can tell you is that we will all be back together real soon." ARGH!!!!!! Of course I understand...the Bible says we won't know the exact hour...basically he wouldn't be allowed to tell me. I'm hoping and praying that by what he DID say that maybe there is something to all this Dec 22 2012 stuff...I'm praying the Rapture is REAL SOON. (OUR TIME!)
I realize to so many everything I'm saying sounds like I've gone off the deep end. Honestly I feel like I've gone off the deep end. Probably not for the same reasons some readers might think but I do feel like it. If I TRY to hold back the grief then my body takes over. I have no choice in it. Those fugues happen, my health gets far worse, I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything but thoughts about him. I've found only two things that help me 1) is my "God walks" which I can't do here. Those are my most cherished times when I'm at the ocean and I get up before dawn and go out and walk the beach and spend time just me and God...greeting the new day and hopefully the sunrise over the ocean but I do it on rainy days too. At no time do I feel closer to God and more at peace. the 2) is riding my bike but not around home because there are too many memories and the scenery is just too familliar and ...well...boring. And I need to ride far. Which my body won't let me do at the moment. Also it seems when I need it the most it's either the middle of the night, too hot or raining. Even with the pain, if I had enough money in my pocket for a campstove (lost mine somehow) and campgrounds and food along the way or hotels would be nice I'd go. I'd hop on my bike and ride til I couldn't ride any further then eat and sleep, spend time with my thoughts and God and get up as soon as I could and keep going. Sort of like Forrest Gump only cycling instead of running.
I should go through his things. I can't. I don't want to pack him away like he never existed. I don't want his life with me, with us to be over. I don't want to do anything to finalize that.
Anger..oh boy. At times I'm angry with myself, with my husband, with his friends, with Andy himself, with God. I am ALWAYS angry with the doctor's...ALWAYS and I feel that certain one's of them are responsible and should be held responsible but so far I can't get an atty to take the case because of his autopsy..which itself is screwy. It reported one thing that I'm 99% sure was NOT there...I'll give that 1% chance that I missed it because of being so upset but I'm just sure it wasn't. But that aside it did not find any of his other medications in his system that I KNOW for a fact he was and did take, because I saw him take them and helped him with some of them myself when I was not distraught. I almost think they got his autopsy switched with someone elses. I'm angry with some people who feel the need to spread mean rumors they know nothing about, the rumors are wrong and they are simply cruel bullies who are hurting a family who is deeply hurting already...including his little sister.. And one of these people is a sherriff! Someone we are suppose to be able to teach our children to trust...someone who is suppose to help, serve, protect...not gossip and hurt. This man does not deserve to wear the badge or the uniform. I support capitalism but I'm angry that greed and money mean more to some businesses and our current govt than people's lives. The fentanyl patch should NOT be on the market. Fentanyl should be used in the hospital via IV only. It is a very strong and helpful pain medication. It is needed. But ipatients who need this medication are sick enough that they should be in the hospital and this medication is so potent that it should be constantly supervised by very knowledgable professionals. Andy was miserable and he should have been in the hospital. It was very difficult on him and us for him being at home. He needed round the clock care and his bedroom was upstairs while everything else including the bathroom was downstairs. HE COULDN'T WALK! He was at great fall risk and had fallen many times including down the stairs which Im sure only made his injury worse and his pain as well. Doctor's need to LISTEN to their patients and trust what they tell them. If they expect us to put our lives in their hands then they have to listen and trust us as much as they expect us to listen and trust them. If they had not dismissed what we had been telling them about Andy's symptoms for 4 months at least...actually more but that they were getting much worse...I know he would still be here.
Whew...this is why it's so hard to grieve. There is so much going on in our heads and hearts. A flood of feelings and thoughts and emotions. ALL of it is painful to us and a lot of it will be painful to others if we just let it go. Grieving feels selfish.. I'm stuck in this house with all these memories everywhere, including the worst of all, that I can't get out of my head, seeing my son's lifeless body, even the smell...everything...24/7. I'm not suppose to drive. Obviously shouldn't since I don't sleep regardless of the other medical reasons. I want so badly for someone to be there for me, to come and get me and be able to stand to be around me while I grieve. To go get a coke and sit in park and just talk or go for a drive or...anything. Who can handle my tears and whatever I might say or even silence. But that's unfair to ask of anyone. I know everyone else is busy living. They have their own busy lives and issues and problems and joys and the last thing they want as so many would put it is "more drama". so I just don't talk much to anyone. The booklette pointed out that many people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. The same holds true for the person grieving...at least for me. I don't know what to say to people. My only real clear thought is "My son died and i want him back!" I'd be like a broken record..perhaps repeating the same thing in various ways but the same thng none the less. I WANT MY SON BACK! HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT MY SON? Don't bother answering that because your answer won't be good enough...right now no answer is. I cannot imagine or see going on without my son. I know the only answer to that is one word Caitlyn. My children are EVERYTHING to me. It feels as if I have had half my heart ripped right out of my chest...and I'm trying so hard to live with just half a heart because that half is so very important...just as important and loved as the part that is gone but how do you live with half a heart?
I've probably said more than enough for tonight. I've wrote all night long. The sun is now up and Derek will be home in less than an hour. I'm thinking maybe I can get him to run me out to the cemetary to have breakfast with my son before he has to go to sleep. I intended to write both on here and on my blog because I honestly am not sure where my Angel found me and I really want most of all for her to know how very much she is helping me and how truly thankful I am. I don't know how you happened upone me or cared enough to go out of your way for a total stranger. But I thank God you did.. No matter how crazy I sound, you my beautiful angel are a very special creature of God. Our world needs more people like you. I pray that God showers you with His joyful blessings. His light shines so brightly through you and I"ve no doubt you ignite a spark in everyone you have some kind of contact with.
Bless you and thank you again Angel L
Much Love and (((HUGS))))

HAPPY NOW?

I'm not even sure what to say today.  My son's name is still not on his tomb.  I assume because we are still battling the life insurance company (the wonderful Metlife who is screwing many of their clients at the moment) for our claim which they said the day we made the arrangements, before we made them, that we "were all set and everything looked good to go" then came up months later telling us that Andy didn't sign some paper he needed to sign so they were denying the claim "but they would gladly refund all of our payments" (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP)  So we had to hire an atty and he's handling it.  He says we will get out money ...question is WHEN?  In the meantime we are in limbo HOPING the cemetary will wait and not move him to an in ground burial site...which would still be unmarked mind you.  Further there is no vase even for us to put flowers.  So I made the plaque that you see above and attached to the back is something to put flowers in.  I think it's obvious that someone took time to make this? 

Well today we went to the cemetary and everything was gone.  All of it...the plaque, flowers everything.  I don't know who took them.  Regardless isn't a person's grief something to be respected?  Apparenetly not.  When the press is allowed to swoop in on disaster victims, post pictures of accident victims, protesters are allowed to protest at funerals...mine is minor compared to those and I know how I feel right now.  I have said before I was just barely hanging on...I feel like someone is out there TRYING to push me off.  Well if you are reading this and that person is you...you're doing a GREAT JOB!  Two thumbs up to you!  But let me point something out to you while you're at this...and spreading your rumors and all.  If you're goal is to push me over the edge...I would GLADLY go be with my son right now!  It's not ME that you would be doing the long term damage to.  Have you thought about that?

Well...if you haven't.....think about it!  She's been through more than enough.  It's not just me that you hurt.  Further what gets me, is that the people I have been told are causing the trouble are people I don't even know, who don't know us, so I'm curious...WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?



SOON

Do you remember the day when your child first left you to go to school?  Did you cry?  Did the house seem painfully silent?  Or for those who have children who have left home for college or to start their own lives do you remember how hard that was?  Did you want to call them constantly?  Find reason's to visit them as often as possible?  Couldn't wait til you got to see them? 

As mother's from the time they are conceived they are part of us and we are part of them.  Our bodies are tuned into them.  We can sense when they need us.  We can even understand their coo's and cries as babies and distinguish our own out of a room full of babies.  Our bodies are made so our milk automatically lets down when they are hungry and produces exactly what they need and we somehow get that added adrenaline needed when they are sick to be able to stay up and by their side.  Mother's have even been known to be able to lift entire cars off their children single handily when the need called for it.

So HOW does a mother survive when one of her children dies?  The pain just grows and grows.  It doesn't get easier.  I'm just barely holding on and no one knows.  I have to tell myself "just make it through one more day...just one more day."  Are these moments of missing time I experience God's best gift of compassion?  Sparing me hours here and there from the emotional turmoil inside of me?  And what kind of mother is that for my daughter?  If I try to fight it and try to go about a "normal" routine the time lapses get worse.

I try and try to find a way through this or answers that make it OK but there are none. I was blessed.  I had two beautiful, brilliant, compassionate, caring, loving children.  They never even fought with each other!  Both of them care(ed) about people, genuinely cared.  They hold/held no prejudices.  They love God.  Even when other's treated them unfairly they didn't let that cause them to be mean or unfair.  Some people would tell me that that was just good upbringing.  Huh...well...that was what I taught them yes but they far surpassed me.  It's like it's automatic to them.  Unlike me who has to strive to turn the other cheek sometimes and I don't always succeed.  I was BLESSED,  They see the sadness and problems in our world and want to make it a better place.  And Andy was just about to go out into the world and MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE..  One of his inner struggles was how could he become a lawyer and work his way into politics and maintain his integrity and honesty?  That was his desire, his planned route to make some changes.  He also wanted very badly to marry and raise a family.  He KNEW the intricate responsibilities he was intending to take on.  Further the person he planned on marrying was from Switzerland and they wanted to raise their children in Swiss schools so he had to figure out how to work that in..how could he be a lawyer there and support his family well and still network to enter politics here?  His mind was always planning planning planning....and always for the best for others.  I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for him!  It was Andy who noticed something was wrong and called for help when my fever was near 105.  It was always him who could tell that something wasn't right and call the doctor's attention to it.  Why wouldn't the doctor's listen to me when the roles were reversed? :(  Why would God take such a person from this world?  My sister had the one answer that made some sense...Satan took him because taking him would shake so many of us so badly and our faith in God...make us angry with Him.  And that's true to some extent..why didn't God fight for him?  Why didn't God draw the line like He did with Job and say you can't take his life?

My only glimmer of hope, to some will sound crazy (literally) is not long after he passed I heard him.  I heard Andy speak to me and among the things he said he told me "I'm okay mom.  I'm more than okay, it's AMAZING HERE.  too amazing to describe for you to understand" and I told him that I missed him so badly and how much I loved him and he said "I know.  I love you too mom.  It'll be okay.  You'll ALL be with me soon.  We will all be back together soon."  Then I asked "soon?  How soon?"  and he just said "soon"  I said "soon as in our soon or God's time soon"  and again he just kind of laughed and said "soon mom soon" and that was the end of that conversation.  So I am clinging to the hope that I'm not crazy and I did hear my son and that since he said "we will ALL be back together soon" and given the December 22 2012 thing and all the predictions etc...I'm PRAYING he was telling me that the Rapture is coming soon.  If I hold onto that...I can do this..I can appreciate the beauty of this world for a few more months without my son if I cling to this.  But these losses of time and stuff are making it hard to believe that I'm not going crazy.Thankfully though...if I am going crazy...so are a few other people. ;)  God loves us..open your heart to Him and He will fill it til it's spilling over...let it spill over on everyone around you.  Don't worry about whether they are "deserving" or not!  His love might just transform someone you thought was undeserving. ;)  Do I still ache for my son with every fiber of my being?  You bet...but I'm clinging to the hope that it won't be much longer......and oh how GLORIOUS THAT DAY WILL BE!



PICTURES SAY A THOUSAND WORDS



Due to my illness I had gained a lot of weight and this caused me to spend most of my time behind the camera.  When we began going through our pictures I realized I have very few pictures of me with my children.  Now that chance is gone with Andy.  It made me realize that pictures are memories, we don't have to look like a perfect model.  Don't pass up those opportunities while you have them.

PUT HUMPTY DUMPTY BACK TOGETHER OR MAKE AN OMLETTE?

" The despair and pain that follow a child’s death is thought by many to exceed all other experiences. "

This is a quote found repeatedly in articles pertaining to how to deal with the loss of a child.  I've searched and searched for some hope that this will get easier and the only hope I've found is that there are others who are surviving it.  Not exactly the encouragement I'd hoped for.  I've only just begun to learn to deal with PSTD from emotional and physical traama in my past as it was.  And people try to tell me that God won't give me more than I can handle?  Everything I know, every ounce of my being is in question at this point in my life,  serving only to make me feel all the more guilty.  Guilty because I felt that I already had so little to give, now..now what do I have?  If I wasn't already needy enough..

The interesting, albeit scary thing I've found out is that the human body has natural mechanisms that can kick in to protect itself from things that are too emotionally traumatic.  Most of us have heard of the adrenaline rush and stories where a mother was able to pick a car up on her own to rescue her child who was trapped underneath it, and things like that.  But it goes much further as I have found out.  In my case my brain goes into a disassociative fuge amnesia.  It's sort of like my brain checks out for a while or you could say that I literally surrender ALL to God to the point where I don't remember what has taken place during the time when He is in the the drivers seat so to speak.   It's happened twice already just while trying to write this entry.

While it is nice to not feel the pain of missing him for a while, it's not like I'm living a life happily in that state.  I have no idea where my mind goes when it's gone and in worse case scenario, this is the same thing that you read about that causes people to wander away from their lives and  start entirely new lives with intrely new identities until someone happens to recognize them and takes them home.

The thing is I don't know how to get through this!  I'm seeing a grief  counselor. I'm on medications.  I've followed my doctor's advice the best of my my abilities.  Yet it's just getting worse.   How do I even begin to put my life back together again?  Or do I?  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm not suppose to TRY. Maybe I'm suppose to just feel..allow myself to grieve and see if a wonderful omlette comes from the scrambled disaster of this nightmare?  I wonder...is this why they make all the childrens fairy tales so frightening?  Are they to prepare us for adulthood?

Love,
Mom

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS



When someone passes there is always the task of sorting thru and packing up their belongings, deciding what to keep and what to part with. This is an emotionally taxing chore for the loved one's left behind but with older people such as parents and grandparents they often have much of this taken care of already, perhaps through a will or at least in discussions over the course of the years. But when a young person passes this is an entirely different situation. Each article holds within it the "now" and the "future". It's not suppose to be going to someone else. It's suppose to be being used by him or her! For instance this past Christmas, just a month before my Andy passed we all got new cell phones. 4G Androids which Andy had really been looking forward too. (He lived attatched to his phone. As an after thought I probably should have buried him with it he loved it so much) Now I'm pretty sure we have video's with him in it where I can hear his voice but the easiest way is to call his phone and listen to his voicemail pick up anytime I feel the need to hear him so up til now we have left it turned on. Today we were discussing whether or not to have it turned off. This is one of those little things that would seem an easy decision to most. The practical thing to do would be obvious, why pay money to have a phone on that nobody is going to use? Yet to me, turning it off is like losing yet another little bit of him. It's the same with his clothes. He has pefectly good clothes still sitting in his room that someone could be getting good use out of but I can't bring myself to part with them. At least not yet. The very idea of letting them go, of someone else wearing them means me having to admit to my brain and in my heart that he really is not coming back. I KNOW this but I don't want to know it. I don't want to face it or accept it and I guess by leaving everything just as he left it I'm sort of hoping he will come back to it. I realize it makes very little sense but it's just how it is. I still have dirty laundry of his that I don't want to wash because it smells like him and it makes it seem like he is still here if I don't. There are so many little things everywhere when a young person passes. It's a life that just stopped in the middle of living, unprepared to end...just as I am unprepared to accept that he is gone.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I haven't quite decided if I am going to have an "order" to my blog here, so for now I'm just going to write about what's weighing on my heart and lately that would be talk around our small town.  Now I will qualify this to say I have not heard any of this said to my face.  I've only been told what other's are hearing.  The thing is if others are hearing it, then my daughter, his sister can hear it too.  Do people not realize the hurt they cause?

It's hard enough to lose your 20 year old son/brother.  It was hard watching him suffer through his injury.  An injury he got playing hard for his High School Football Team mind you!  A school he loved and respresented  well in everything he did...and he did a lot to shine a good light on that school.  He was a high acadmenic achiever.  He was a strong athlete.  He was a giving community servant.  He volunteered his time to the school in various ways such as tutoring which he could have done on his own and been paid well for but he did voluntarily instead.  He reached out to other students with kindness and compassion.  Yet when it became evident that he wasn't going to heal quickly or easily from his injury people started drifting away.  It got to where visitors were few and far between and Andy was unable to get out and do things.  He was barely able to make it up and down the stairs in our house to and from his bedroom.  So I have to fight back the anger when I hear about people who have not been around to have any idea what was going on are out there spreading degrading rude and downright disrespectful rumors.  People who were supposedly his "friends?.  And then here lately I heard the cherry that topped it all off,  a young man petitioned to have Andy's football number retired and as I understand it, was told by the athletic director at the school that nobody will ever wear the number 45 again BUT he couldn't "officially" retire the number due to the controversy surrounding his death.  Hello?  There is no controversy surrounding his death other than talk from people who have absolutely no clue as to what he was going through and what happened.  Further this man has spoke to my husband several times lately and has had plenty of opportunities to find out the truth for himself and has not asked.  So, to me, he is helping in spreading the rumors. 

Now here is my dilema, the reason my husband has been in touch with him and we the school is because we are planning a walk-a-thon/fundraiser to help raise money for a Memorial Scholarship that will benefit students from this school.  Do I want to continue to put all the time and energy into helping an institution that A) was the school he was fighting for when he got injured then B) turns it's back on him after his injury and C) helps fuel reputation degrading rumors after his death?

Personally...I just want to move far away from here.

On a broader spectrum it also brings to question- Is this how our society is now?  I don't get out much due to my own illness and having been taking care of Andy the past three years.  But I was raised you don't speak ill of the dead period.  If you don't have a kind word to say then you say nothing.  It's scary to me the direction in which our society is headed.

INTRODUCTION

Hello and thank you for reading.  I'm a mom.  My name doesn't matter because I'm rarely called by my name anyway.  For over 20 years now I have been "Mom" or "Andy's mom" or Caitlyn's mom".  MOM is who I am.

Four momths ago as of today, on January 30th, 2012 my world turned upside down and it has not nor will it ever be the same again.  Pictures like the one above are the only way I will ever see my beautiful son's face and all his many expressions again after January 30th, 2012.