"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY!"

"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HELP! YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE. HELP!" -THE BEATLES

I HAVE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE.  I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I just can't.  Call me weak.  Judge me a selfish person.  I FOUGHT with my son to get his life back!!!! And I watched him do as he was told and get labeled by doctors and people as an "addict" and a "drug chaser" and a "doctor shopper" all because he went to the doctor's he was told to go to and took the medicine he was told to take.  I held him and cried with him when nothing seemed to be working and nobody seemed to know what was going on, and then when they did and all the painful procedures he had to endure.  I exhausted myself and pushed myself out of my own comfort zone at times by standing up to nurses and doctor's who were making very big mistakes.  Yet I live with not catching the biggest mistake of all, the one that cost him his life.  I let him down.  I let down my son who had also become my best friend because we were always together, and we talked about everything.  Our "social life" was watching tv together or discussing politics.  We didn't know much of what was going on in the world outside the hospital rooms and doctor's offices and those in the outside world really couldn't understand ours like only we could because we were the only two living it every day.  But this one time I didn't research this medication.  I DID ask his doctor about it's safety because I had been given it in the hospital and when I was moved to a regular room the nurses on that floor were afraid of handling it but he reassured me and I just trusted him and now my son and friend is dead.

Add to this just after Andy's death one of our cat's, coincidently Andy's favorite, gets hit by a car and killed.  I know not all people are animal lovers but I am.  My "pets" are part of my family.

THEN we are told by the funeral home that our insurance company is denying our claim saying that Andy didn't sign a statement of health.  Mind you at no time were I or Andy ever sent a statement of health to sign, it was never mentioned in my husbands message box in his online profile in other words we were never told anything about it, they simply began taking the premiums for the higher policy out of my husbands pay check after he inquired about (Didn't even say he wanted) larger life insurance policies on all of us.  Their own website says they will not make a policy effective until all statements needed are recieved and ours was made effective obviously, they were taking out the money for the larger policy and they told my husband the day we made the funeral arrangement on the phone from the funeral home that everythine was fine and good to go for the larger policy.  Then AFTER the funeral (and money is spent) they deny the claim and paying anything at all because Andy hadn't signed a statement of health.

Add to that his father who everyone is giving all the sympathy too is refusing to pay a dime for his son's funeral while my husband has shouldered paying to raise Andy since he was 4 years old, parenting him, keeping the insurance on him, nurturing him when he was sick, paying for all his medical bills despite my divorce decree stating that his father is to keep insurance on him even if I have it on him and pay all out of pocket medical expenses. He never paid a dime and was so far behind on child support that when our son died and he came into a healthy life insurance claim he was able to pay up his large back child support which HE thinks is his part of the funeral costs.  Soooo...let me get this straight...he was not paying his support as a savings account for our son's funeral when he dies at the age of 20??  No sorry...So my son's body may end up in a cooler until we can afford to bury him and pay for his funeral.

Unless an attorney can help us.  We have found out that businesses including lawyers and charitable foundations can break contracts with you it's you that can't break contracts with them.  We went to one attorney who said he would take our case and told us what he was doing and we were under the impression we were waiting...and waiting until finally we thought "Boy we sure have waited a long time" and tried to contact our lawyer and got no phone calls returned so my husband went up there only to be handed our folder and told sorry he was just to busy to take on this case. WHAT!!!????  Ummm...shouldn't that have been what you said two months ago when you said "don't you worry mamma we'll get your son's name up there where it belongs" referring to on his tomb. When you told me not to worry anymore to let you do that?  Shouldn't you instead have said "I wish I could help you but I have no extra time at this time."?  Really wasn't signing those papers about how much your part would be if you won the case a bit misleading?

And I won't even get into the ridiculous thinking that must have been put behind lawyers who would have any trouble proving medical malpractice or wrongful death or even how the entire thing was just wrong.  First of all that "doctors" for an insurance company who have never seen, spoke to, examined or anything my son make decisions about his life for instance that it is wiser to keep a 19 year old young highly promising college student on strong addictive (dare I say these words together and risk encouraging the misconception so many have that the two go hand in hand) narcotic pain medications as well as addictive benzo's for a long period of time, possibly a life time in which case he would eventually hit a point where he would have to live with taking the medications and still live with intolerable pain as if he had taken nothing for it.  As our bodies naturally produce opiod pain relief and sometimes the pain is so severe our bodies can't keep up so addictional is needed (prescription).  When we take medication because it's needed we do not feel an "high" from the medication we are simply lucky if it decreases our pain.  The thing is sometimes the body, if taking those medications long enough, comes to rely on them.  This is called a dependence.  And you could say the body gets lazy since this isn't something that is normally always needed and starts allowing the artificial medication to do more and more work...requiring a higher dose.  This is called building a tolderance.  These are natural and not to be confused with addiction.  When we think of addiction we think of someone who does it for the high, then comes to need that high, CRAVE it.  Most pain patients would gladly walk away from their meds if they weren't necessary.   Anyway...eventually he would have reached a point where the amount of , where his body could not handle the amount of medication necessary for him to not suffer, it would have killed him as basically it did.  The wise insurance doctors found this the better choice than to allow a minamally invasive surgery that his specialist doctor has personally had excellent success with and many other sports doctor's around the country have as well? Or no lawyer can prove medical malpractice when a doctor gave a 19 year old young man known severe sleep apnea, who is still in such pain that he can't get comfortable so he can't sleep any reasonable schedule therefore can't know when he might fall asleep to put on his bi-pap mask, a dermal patch for the most powerful pain medication that also coicidentally has been recalled already 3 times and caused over 129 deaths.  A medication that's insert states clearly not to be prescribed to patients with sleep apnea.  Central sleep apnea is the most extreme type of sleep apnea and the kind Andy had.  It would only help the lawyers that he started getting sick pretty much as soon as he started on the patch and his doctor knew this and just said it was from getting out around people more, that he had picked up a bug.  Shouldn't he have thought twice about that bug when Andy went into respitory failure within a month of going on the patch?  Oh well maybe he thought it was because of Andy taking a cold pill that added to his sleepiness but then why would he prescribe Klonopin?  And as his symptoms progressed or didn't go away and being a pain management doctor shouldn't he have recognized them as symptoms of too much fentanyl and put him not getting better together and thought "HEY WE NEED TO GET HIM OFF THIS PATCH NOW!"?  Is it really extraordinary to expect a pain management specialist to have done these things?  Or to have told him not to use the heating pad or hot tub?  or to have realized that his fever would increase the amount of medication that was being released?  THIS IS ALL IN SIMPLE ENGLISH IN THE INSERT AVAILABLE TO READ ONLINE!!!!!  I blame myself for not having looked it up.  For having trusted this doctor.  But shouldn't the law blame this doctor?

Annnd...my dog is very sick and possibly dieing.

And that's not all...before knowing about the life insurance, we committed ourselves to forming an ANDREW HENSLEY MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND for students from his high school.  You'd think that GIVING money to help students to further their education would be easy and a nice thing to do right? HA!  WRONG!  And the president of the foundation we have to go through has been trying his best to swindle us from the get go and we are about to go to have to either go to  court about that if he doesn't make things right real soon or let all the money we and others have worked so hard for and so generously donated for this particular scholarship go to His pet projects.

All the while it's like the world has literally turned upside down.  We were seeing a grief counselor and for me at least she is sitting there hearing how I want to die and telling me how these episodes I experience are "disassociative fugues" and could last a year or longer and I might want to talk to my doctor about upping my anti anxiety medication (while with Derek they have him see a doctor there) and how she feels we're ready to see her less often!  For the most part I've been completely surprised and a bit confused, the people I THOUGHT would have been there for me through all of this haven't been around much if at all, not even a message on the computer, while other's who I either would have least expected it or who I didn't think knew me to where they would have really cared that much have been the one's who have been amazingly supportive.

IF I do give up this fight I don't want those of you who have been there to think that this is any failure on your part.  I'm the one who is failing.  I don't know how much longer I can stand the pain.  I mean ALL of the pain.  The emotional pain is the most excrutiating ever and if one more thing is added...I don't know that it will even take one more thing because emotional stress makes my physical illnesses worse and my physical pain is off the charts but to do anything about the emotional I have to stay busy and if I rest at all...welll....but physically I can't go on like this.  One way or another I'm going to break. :(  And as I see it, either way I break I'm likely to be going home myself.  I bet you thought I was going to take my own life!  How about that...I'm not going to have to.

Now and for Eternity

I don't know that I'm beginning to accept that you are actually gone but I do know that the pain of how long it's been since I last saw you, last spoke to you, last spent time with you is way to long ago.  It hurts so much and when I hurt from that THAT is when it crosses my mind that I'm never going to see you again in this life time and it makes it hurt 100 times worse.  People assure me that I WILL be happy again someday.  Not like before but it will get better.  It's even harder now than ever to believe that.  How can I possibly ever be happy again knowing you will never be part of my life ever again in this lifetime?  We were so much alike, just about anything I do I think about you and how you would like something about where I am, what I am doing or listening to or watching or how you would probably agree with me and not like it.

We just got back from visiting with Olivia and her mom in Florida (I'm sure you already knew that).  I'm sorry you couldn't physically be there.  On the way back we finally went on the lighthouse night tour in Saint Augustine.  I felt so guilty because I knew how much you wanted to do that.  It was difficult to enjoy it.  Plus, and I wish you could speak to me and tell me from your side why this is happening, I can't FEEL anything (or anyone if you know what I mean) anymore.  Maybe that's a good sign?  Maybe that means God has called all those who were "sleeping" as some believe up and the Rapture is very close?  If I'm not insane you did tell me that...God I pray that is the case!  I even volunteered to put myself in some positions to allow the spirits to try and play tricks with me-nothing.  Ha, I did accidentally scare some of the other tourists as they returned down from the top of the lighthouse.  I chose not to climb the stairs because I was hurting so I was sitting in complete darkness on a bench when they came back down...not expecting to see anyone there. You would have laughed.

We were on the road so much I didn't have many opportunities for God Walks but even the ocean wasn't as calming to me as usual.  Either He is busy preparing for the Rapture or you sure are stirring things up up there!  Knowing you...either is entirely possible.

I miss you so much.  I can't find the words to describe to someone who hasn't experienced such a deep loss how I feel inside or how everyday I realize something more I miss about you.  Baby, I know this may be a big request but if you could, would you please remind God that our time down here is longer than His up there and  I've already had to miss you so much longer than He had to miss Jesus.  Not that I'm saying His pain was any less...I'm just asking Him to keep in mind that we're human here and I know I really need His help (preferably the rapture) because this pain really is more than I can bare and I'm leaning on His promise not to give me more than I can handle.

I love you.  You are a part of me and that will never change.  Give my love to everyone and tell them I'll see them when I get home....Love, Mom

When did it all change?

When did society do away with grieving?  Society, at least ours has almost completely done away with grieving or allowing grieving which is a very necessary, difficult and long process.  People who have just lost a child, a spouse or a parent, if they are lucky might get a week off of work.  That's just enough to make arrangements and carry out the services!  That's not even enough time for all the other necessary business that goes along with the death of an immediate family member let alone even beginning the grieving period. 

For those who are Christians the Bible says in Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, Mourn with those who mourn"  We are told how Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died and felt the turmoil of the loss.  In the Book of Job we are told how Jobs friends stopped what they were doing and traveled to stay and comfort him.  Yet I've heard of people being told by people at church after just 4 months following a loss of a child that it was time they start pulling themselves together.  Traditionally widows mourned officially for 3 years and parents who lost a child indefinitely.  People tend to try to stop the tears when they begin to flow.  The thing is those tears need to flow, they're healing and necessary in the grieving process. 

The truth is many of the well meant words people say to try and comfort someone going through the grieving process can actually add to the person's anguish and fears.  When one of the biggest fears we might be facing at that moment is that our loved one will be forgotten and nobody will speak their name and everybody we run into is "moving on"  that feeds that fear pretty strongly. 

Please try and remember that our lives have changed so drastically in both the obvious and the not so obvious ways that it's going to take a long time to fill in a new "routine" we can feel comfortable with.  At first we are facing so many things...first birthdays and holidays without them but also missing plans that we had made with them.  Those still extend out into this part of our lives and with our children, well that will always be the case but hopefully once the once already set plans have passed it will get a little easier.  Habits we had that involved our loved one, traditions, routines,...all of this changes all while our hearts and souls are crying to have them back. 

In my case I took care of Andy through his battle with his injury.  That leading to his death is difficult to deal with, it makes me feel as if I failed him.  It also simply changes my entire daily and monthly routine.  I worry that it may change some of my relationships.  I miss little routines we had like late night we both had difficulty sleeping so we usually would either watch a movie or lay in our own beds and watch FOX news and text back and forth about our thoughts on politics.  I have nobody that I can discuss politics with like Andy and I did and I enjoyed those discussions tremendously.  Andy liked to get into deep philosophical discussions too which I don't often find and greatly enjoy.  I also miss is warped sense of humor that would often come out of no where.  Little things he'd say and I'd see that look just waiting to see if I picked it up or not.  As a mother you don't realize until something like this how often you think of your kids just going to the grocery or when you walk through a store or watch a movie or hear a new song from a group you know they like.  You recognize the major milestones but you don't realize just how often you think about them daily in just your average daily life.  When you lose one though it smacks you in the face hard every time.

Reminding us that we'll see them again someday is another tough one.  On one hand that is one of the only hopes we hold but at the moment it doesn't help because we feel that they should be with us NOW.  Some may be angry with God for taking their child  and that comfort statement opens up a whole different can of worms.

Sometimes the old tradition is the best and why change what ain't broken?  People were given time to mourn and friends and family helped them with the process by doing things like cooking meals for them, helping with house and lawn work, running errands and just being there, a shoulder to cry on. A good listener is a bigger help for someone who is grieving than a good talker.

Now given that many of my friends read this I just wanted to say, this isn't totally personal.  It's not even mostly personal.  I'm writing this from observation of others, reading and yes some experience but mostly the first two.  God did not create us to experience death which is probably what makes it so extremely difficult.  He did give us two resources though to help us through it-Himself and each other.  To those who have been there for me I want to say thank you.  You have no idea how much you have helped and continue to do so.  I've survived 5 months that I didn't think possible, that's something.

Always with you

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken

Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I read something tonight that is so true, "Grief can be so crippling that it blinds you to God's presence."  I have felt so abandoned by God lately, more distant than ever before in my life.  WHY did HE take Andy from me?  WHY!  And WHY has HE taken so many others I love?  WHY is HE allowing me to hurt so badly?  WHY is HE not comforting me?  When I spend time with God I spend more time listening than talking and right now I'm not hearing Him when I need to hear Him the most WHY?

When my father passed I was up one night crying and I literally FELT Jesus' arms around me and I drifted off to sleep...as I drifted off to sleep I saw myself wrapped in his arms and there was a light surrounding us.  He was holding out one hand, and with that hand he was banishing away all the pain and  evil that was haunting me and I rested that night very peacefully.  Where is He now?  Why is He not wrapping me in his loving arms now?

This is so difficult to write because I'm honestly not to this point yet.  But I know deep down that the truth is in that sentence above.  When we lose a loved one we MUST grieve to heal.  But grieving means admitting that they are gone and I don't want to do that.  It is so unbearably painful when anything reminds me that he is gone (which is constantly) that I FEAR admitting it, facing it head on.  My heart can't accept that he is gone, it still holds on hoping that he is just lost and it can somehow find him or he will find his way home to me again.  I realize this might not make sense to many.  Just as one cannot truly understand or be fully prepared to become a parent until one becomes a parent, the same holds true with losing a child of any age.  One cannot fathrom the gut wrenching pain a mother feels unless she has experienced it herself.  It's like the great surgeon removed a very big and important part of me and forgot to sew me back up, nor did I sign any consent forms!

I want him back and to want him back from paradise makes me feel incredibly selfish.  The thing is Gos is with me and has been all along.  For instance, when my friend and I went to Florida shortly after his death just to get away I was out in the morning for one of my God walks...the morning I first got hit with the reality of it all.  Well an older man first approached me asking if he could take my picture...it was s silohette in the sunrise then as he walked back up to thank me he noticed I was crying and asked if I was okay?  I told him what was going on including how selfish I felt at the time and his words to me without hesitation were "I believe Mary wept when Jesus died so I don't think it is anything but appropriate for you to weep for your son." I have strangers looking after me. I have a sister who as busy as she is with three young granbabies and trials of her own always finds time to talk online or text ..if not right at that moment she responds soon with just the right things to say.  She gives me time to talk about Andy and permission if not encouragement to grieve for him by going through it with me.  While I'm to cripled to see or feel Him He is reaching me through people in my life.  It's ME who is resisting.

Now if only I could come up with the answer to the million dollar question...HOW?