MAY 16, 2014

Ugh, this is what I get for not blogging for a while, so much to say I don't have a clue where to start.  That's the thing about grief. it's this rapid change process which we don't choose, don't know when it's coming, don't know where it's taking us or when if ever it will end.  Normally writing is one of my primary ways of dealing with my emotions but if I'm being honest with you, and I said I would be, with this, there are times it is so deeply personal and overwhelming that it's difficult to write about it.  Difficult to share my feelings and sometimes just plain difficult to identify exactly what it is I'm feeling.

I can say that I have never felt more alone in my life than I do these days.  It's been 27 almost 28 months since Andy passed.  I'm far from healed but I guess people in general feel that I should be by now.  Very few people speak of him anymore.  I've even been called selfish and told that I make his death all about me.  These two individuals who stated this have no clue what it is to lose a child.  My grief and speaking of it is one way that keeps me tied to him and keeps his memory alive.  When I say how much I miss him and how much I still love him I feel that he can hear me.  I want to be sure that nobody makes the mistake of thinking that he will EVER be forgotten like it seems he has been by so many.  There is not a day that goes by that his voice, his smile, his silly jokes and little nuances don't cross my mind and I don't ache for him.  HE IS PART OF ME.  One of the two who stated that I know is simply trying to be hurtful and stir up as much hurt, pain and trouble as he possibly can.  That's just how he is.  Further nobody who knew my son would ever be so hurtful and disrespectful to his family.  If they truly KNEW him they would have known how very important his family was to him and how very important he was to us.  They would know that their cruel words were disrespecting HIM.  He never would have tolerated their words/actions.  Andy was a family man and dare I say a mama's boy in a good sense of the word. a big brother who put his younger siblings first.  It gives me an idea of where many of the nasty rumors that spread thru our small town concerning his death started.  Ironically from one who is spiteful and jealous and one who was never around.  It takes balls to desert him when he's alive and needs his friends the most (especially when you lived so close) then call me selfish for grieving his passing hard.  Maybe if you were around that last year you'd understand..