My 2nd Christmas Without You...

You cannot possibly imagine how much I think back to this particular Christmas.  It was Andy's last Christmas with us.  I would have never have dreamt that a little over a month later he'd be gone.  It makes me happy to see that he was smiling, at least he enjoyed his last Christmas with us.  God I wish I could go back and change time.  I wish I could go back to that Christmas knowing what was coming and change it.  I wish Andy was home from college, both of my kids were here and life was happy and normal again.  I wonder how our lives would be different if he was still here?  I know one thing, I would cry or have to fight back the tears every time I look at our Christmas tree.

 

I look at this picture and think about how full of life he was.  Even when he hurt so bad he loved to make people laugh and I loved hearing his laugh.  He could pull anyone out of their shell and he really listened and cared..  He truly lived life to it's fullest.  I know his injury really got him down because it was the first time he faced a major hurdle that he wasn't sure he could clear.  He always went after what he wanted with everything he had and he rarely failed at getting it.  I don't mean that he was the type to step on whoever's toes it took either.  He accomplished his goals thru pure hard work.  He never let that scare him off.

 

We're used to seeing people's life lights slowly fade as we age, not that that's easy but it's how it's suppose to be.  But what the heart and brain cannot comprehend is when such a strong vibrant light is snuffed out so quickly and unexpectedly.  It's so wrong that it should be impossible but obviously ...it isn't.  The loss of a child leaves a hole so deep and dark that it's like a black hole in space...and we can't do anything about it.  It sucks in any joy or happiness that dares to peek it's head into our lives, it sucks in everything that is us and all we can do is keep breathing and HOPE that someday we will come out whole again from that black hole. 

 

Please know though, that just because I cannot feel "Merry" does not mean that I am not sincere when I wish all of you the very Merriest of Christmas' and all the blessings God has to offer in the coming New Year.

 

And if you are young parents, up late tonight doing what parents of young children do on Christmas eve ;)  Wishing you were close to done and could get to bed, dreading what little sleep you are going to get and what energy is going to be expected of you tomorrow morning I urge you to go in and quietly look at your angel sleeping soundly in their bed dreaming of tomorrow morning and the magic it brings.  Take some time and think about how fast the time you have had them has already passed and you might just find that second wind.  Enjoy this time while you can because it passes so quickly.  Oh...and take lots of pictures! ;) 

 

God Bless and Merry Christmas!