BAH! HUMBUG!

Andy's last Christmas

This is my 2nd holiday season without Andy and I honestly believe it's the toughest one yet. I know part of it is because we moved. Packing up Andy's room was NOT something I was ready to do and has been incredibly hard. I feel like I really just packed my son away in boxes. I guess because in the beginning we have shock to help protect us and we also tell ourselves "that's not him that's just his body" when we have the funeral. It's funny how our minds will process things exactly as they need to when it comes to something as traumatic as the loss of a child to protect us as much as possible. (It sure doesn't FEEL like it!) Those may contribute but I've also heard many other GM's who are further out say that the 2nd year is the worst. I don't know the reason and am learning to stop asking "why?", all I know is that it is.

Ironically just as it's getting harder for us, it's getting easier for others. Time is healing their pain. Being a parent who has lost a child is the one time I've found that time is not our friend. Again, I'm not speaking merely from my own experience but from talking to and reading the experiences of many others. In our case, the more time that passes the more we miss our children. Sometimes we do get more experienced in handling ourselves publically but don't be fooled our pain is still there is still raw. Maybe this is because under no circumstances do we ever stop being a mother? From the time we know we are pregnant our body's and minds start changing. We are made to love, care for and protect our babies. This is also why no matter how many times people tell us "It's not your fault" we struggle to accept that. Because usually no matter what, in hindsight there is something we can always look back and say "if only we had done this differently then...of course logically we did nothing any normal person wouldn't have done in our shoes but that doesn't matter because they didn't lose their child and we did. We should have made the different choices, or such is our way of thinking and in it's own way it has it's own logic about it. The thing is, at the time, there was no wrong choice and we did the best we could. It's just a hard fact of life that horrible things like this happen and some of us have to walk this nightmarish road. (That's easier typed than believed!)

One thing I heard a lot in the beginning but didn't understand was that people, including many professionals, do not comprehend the difference in the magnitude of the loss when its a parent losing a child vs any other loss.  I  mean this in no way to diminish the pain felt when anyone loses a loved one.  Put plain and simple it hurts.  I've lost a brother, both of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends-I'm no stranger to loss at all but as painful as each of those were, they were minor compared to losing Andy. It still seems impossible/unreal.  My brain cannot accept that such a thing could be real.  Our language is even different (be warned!  Some things that are perfectly "normal" and understood by other GM's are not by people who have never been through it!)

So  how do we get through it? That answer is simple!  Whatever works for you!  I personally go away for the holidays although I do put up the family Christmas tree for the season as hard as it is. This year I found one of our local churches is holding a "Blue Christmas Service" for people just like us, people who have lost loved one's and find "celebrating" more than difficult.  I'm going to try to attend that.  Sometimes serving others such as helping gather gently used toys and clean them up for needy children to have something to unwrap Christmas morning or serving Christmas dinner at a local food bank.

How can you help a loved one who has lost a child get through the Holidays more easily?  Let them know they and their child are not forgotten.  I'd say treat this time as if it were the period right after the child's death because it feels very much like that.  Perhaps drop off a meal, offer to go Christmas shopping with or for them, then sit with them and wrap presents and  be prepared to talk and do some crying.  It's not bad for us to cry.  Crying is healing all you need to do is understand.  Don't be afraid to talk about their child with them especially when everyone is together.  It helps to know other's miss them too.  Maybe  keep an empty chair for them or keep their picture in a prominent place.  If your family drinks propose a toast in memory.  If you can keep in mind that their child still occupies their mind and heart more than ever you will be on the right path. If you are willing to go out of your way to include the child who has passed on I would suggest personally speaking to the parents ahead of time and just bouncing the idea off of them "Hey I was thinking, we're all missing ---- and know how hard these times are for you.  What would you think if we did......?"  One of the hardest things, for me for example, is to be around my large family with all of their kids and their growing families while mine is painfully incomplete.  Doing something to keep Andy part of our family would make it easier for me to "belong".  Instead I try to avoid raining on their day and upsetting everyone.  Oh how I wish I could just go into hibernation until Spring!