This past weekend was the third anniversary of the day that turned my world upside down and inside out. Since then my life has been a living nightmare, never to be the same.
Three years ago on January 30th we found my first born and only son lying dead on his bed. The cause of his death? I truthfully don't know because his autopsy was so completely and utterly botched up. Just to touch on showing you how botched up, in the description of my beautiful blue eyed blond haired son the man who performed it said he had brown hair and brown eyes and was wearing clothes he didn't even have! I'm not going any further here into that but, yes it is enough to leave us not knowing precisely how/why this handsome, once strong strapping health conscious 20 year old athlete was no longer part of our world!
MY BABY who I carried for 9 months, fought horrible morning sickness, went through hyper-labor to deliver, spent months of colic, loved, nurtured, taught, sat up with through illness and heartbreak, chauffeured to endless sports practices and games as well as academic events, encouraged, guided, and was taught a few things as well...this brilliant little person who's life I was part of from conception as he grew into an amazing young man I was so very proud of, loved by so many because he loved so many unconditionally. As a parent I don't believe it is the schools or government's job nor anybody else's place to ultimately teach a child. When it comes down to it, that responsibility lies with the parent. It's always irked me to see people having children only to put them in daycare from the time they are babies for 8+ hours a day then they move on to having schools be their babysitters. Why do people have children if they aren't going to raise them? To me it seems that their children are simply a trophy piece or ...well a "thing". No parent is perfect and Lord knows I am far from perfect but I did and do take my role very seriously. I love my children with every fiber of my being and believe my greatest priority is to give them the biggest, strongest best wings possible to fly when they leave the nest. Andy grabbed and understood all of those lessons. Many he "got" far better than even I did. I am humbled by my children. I don't say that with arrogance or ego I say that to their testimony. It's they're accomplishment not mine. I never had to force either of my children into anything. No it is I who is the blessed one and that horrible night God took a angel He had placed here on Earth who I had lived with for 21 years (counting pregnancy and he was just shy of his 21rst birthday) home...WHY!?
I've heard so many cold thoughtless remarks. I'm sure MOST were well meaning but think about them...
"You still have Caitlyn" Yes thank God I have Caitlyn! She is my angel baby. But okay..which child would YOU choose to die? Come on now! Still having one child no matter how amazing, beautiful and wonderful does not in any way take away the pain of losing another. This is a thoughtless remark. I hurt for Caitlyn! She lost her brother! It's not just me I have to worry about. I worry about her. I worry about her worrying about me. I have to watch her try and hide her pain. I have to know she is going to grow up without her brother to lean on, laugh with and just generally be there for her. They teased each other but I never once saw those two fight. Not once. I know she is missing him. Easier? I wouldn't say easier. Just ever more grateful for her. Yes she is my light in this darkness but please don't put that extra weight on her...she carries enough as it is.
"You should be happy he is in a better place" Well yes, I am happy he is in Heaven but really? He was just 20 years old! He had so much yet to experience HERE and we had so many years yet we expected to share together. Regardless of where he is I miss him. There is a whole bigger than you can possibly imagine unless you have lost a child yourself...memories and dreams of what were supposed to be, things he wanted to do, things WE wanted to do. I will never see my son watch his bride walk down the isle to meet him. I will never hold his babies in my arms, never see him graduate college or know what he could accomplish. Let alone the little things you take for granted..his laugh, his voice, all the discussions we used to have, hearing him say "I love you mom" even our petty arguments! I'd give anything to sit down to his favorite meal with him again, watch him anxiously open his Christmas presents, hear his laugh, see him give me that "look". Those will never happen again...
never in this lifetime. Happy he's in a better place?
Hmmm...well, maybe I'm just not as strong of a Christian as you are? Thank God, God understands!
I've been told that by talking about him (even when he had been gone just a year!) that I'm having a pitty party and making his death all about me. Really? Do you understand Mourning? First of all I can only assume that these people are not Christians who said this. I thought they were but the Bible tells us "Mourn with those who mourn..." and if they have read their Bible...well in the Bible they mourn much more ummm...dramatically for lack of a better word? Tearing at their clothes, waling, covering themselves in ashes and those around them are expected to come sit with them, care for them until such time that they can once again care for themselves. Should you be saying "Yeah but it's time to move on..." read on ...when it comes to the death of a child there is no set time for grieving even Biblically...it says only vague things implying for a very long time. Socially historically there has never until our time been an expectation of grieving parents to "get over it". Our society has become cold and lacking in compassion.
Then there are those who try to commiserate. They try to understand by relating the loss of their relative, friend or ..beloved pet. This is one of the toughest, for me at least because I've been in their shoes. I know their loss is painful but compared to losing a child it's quite honestly an insult. How does a parent respond to this? It fills the grieving parent with such anger. I speak not only from experience but from hearing others experience as well. But I do know these people mean well. These are not ill intentioned people. So to these people I gently plead...as painful as your loss is, multiply it by infinity. Time WILL heal your pain. I promise you that. I've been there. If it's fresh you may not believe that now but it will. In time you will be able to recall your beloved with only fond memories and little pain. Ask a Grieving Mother 20 years after her loss and I guarantee she still aches, still cries probably at that point in private but she still feels that loss as if it were yesterday. Time does not heal the loss of a child...only death and being reunited with our child will end our agony.
For sake of space I will end this with what I consider the worst...
SILENCE. Those who think that it's best not to speak of them. There is
nothing worse than watching life go on as if your baby never existed. Especially those who try and force the grieving parent to be silent as well! I personally faced that this year. Only one of my family members bothered to say a word to me about my son and a couple of his friends. My husband and daughter and I remembered him alone, feeling as if he had been completely forgotten by the rest of the world. We went to the cemetery and each released a single balloon after recalling a fond memory of him and watched them as they drifted off to Heaven...out of sight. Then we went out to eat...my husband and I both made a point to have steak because he would have loved to have steak. It was one of his favorite foods. Worse yet I logged on to my Facebook to look at pictures I had posted of him and not only had none of my family said anything to any of us, they had not commented, "liked" any pictures of him ..but they were posting pictures and comments about what a great time they were having. They were "rejoicing" during our mourning. Talk about a slap in the face. They couldn't have kicked us harder when we were down. And it seems they think this is
our problem. So be it. To me this is more than lack of compassion, this is intentional bullying. Yet this happens all to often to many Grieving Parents. So many families and friendships fall apart when a child dies. Is it really so hard to grasp the depth of the pain a family /parent would be experiencing? I realize your life wouldn't be put on hold but is it so hard to take a few moments out of your happy life to stop and let your friend or family member grieve and to tell them "Hey I'm here for you. I'm thinking of you and praying for you." at very least? or even just click a "like" button on their child's picture? There was no mistaking what day it was. We grieve openly and we don't let him slip away into the silence. If you have a grieving parent/family in your life, while it might seem painful for them to hear their child's name it's even more painful for them not to. If you want them to be able to gradually get back involved in "life" then bring their child with them by doing things like having their picture with a lit candle set up in their memory during family get-togethers, help them set aside special days in special ways to remember their child. PARTICIPATE IN REMEMBERING THEIR CHILD WITH THEM. This will help them tremendously. Silence...that's a killer for a grieving parent.
