WHY?

Why?  That's the million dollar question.  One word, asked by so many that usually can't be answered.  Why?  We can drive ourselves crazy with this question.  Why my son?  Why?  I've asked this so many times.  The only answer I honestly get is "why not?".  It might sound callous but really what makes me and my child any more special than any other?  If not my son then who's?  Why anybody's child?  They "why's" are endless.  I know if Andy had been given the choice "You or ---- must go.  Who will it be?"  He would have chosen to go rather than chosen somebody else.  Perhaps that's why?  I won't know until my time comes.  That's why "why" is so torturous.

I can ask "why" in so many areas of my life.  Simply put "life isn't fair".  Is that bad?  Would you choose to have someone who you know is less capable of facing a particular challenge than you face it just to be fair if given the choice?  Sure it would be nice to not be given that choice.  It would be nice if we just had a nice life of balance and we could sail through it with ease but if that were the case would we really grow as individuals? (Note:  I'd prefer a bit less growth thanks!)

Years ago I more or less gave up drinking alcohol.  Maybe on special occasions I might have a drink but its very rare.  With all the medications I have had to take off and on over the years and other circumstances, I just lost my taste for alcohol.  I don't judge others for drinking.  It's just not for me.  One drink and I'll feel like crap,  It interferes with my already poor sleep.  I think of it as "I'm allergic to alcohol".  So, I gave up alcohol,  some people were concerned by the amount of prescription medications I had to take so I cut back on my medications (not advised), I took up cycling and was riding 20 plus miles daily.  Taking trips that involved riding all day every day and totaling hundreds of miles.  I was doing everything to IMPROVE my health.  I had lost weight and was still losing.  While I knew people who were still living a life of work, eat, sleep, and socialize by drinking at the bar which usually meant going home drunk.  No exercise.  So WHY is it I have been sick since July?  I've been stuck in my house sicker than I've ever been, at first without a doctor who would even do anything to find out why.  Why?  I wrote to the Cleveland Clinic who immediately contacted me and said they would accept me as a patient yet it's been months and I've yet to get an appointment that was suppose to take "up to 5 days" for them tell me when I would be seen.  Why?  Any time we've called they say they haven't forgotten me.  They're still waiting on the physicians to figure out which tests they will want ran.  Still waiting on just one more physician.  (that was two months ago)  Why?  If they had any idea how I feel.   I did finally get a new doctor and have recently seen a specialist (rheumatologist).  My new doctor ran a bunch of tests and more or less gave up.  The specialist said that it's not an easy diagnosis and she needs to see the results of the tests already ran so she gave me some medication that isn't working for my pain and I go back next month.  Now I know many people prefer to think that this is all in my head because it's not been easily diagnosed.  Again WHY?  I can tell you if ANYBODY felt what I am feeling daily I guarantee they would consider it an emergency.  If I keep complaining then people say I'm "obsessed with my health" so I'm just grinning and bearing it the best I can, sometimes the tears just roll down my face and I just say my eyes are watering.  What am I suppose to do?  Say?  I speak up and am thought to be crazy!  I've been to the ER and they do nothing.  I've been to doctors.  It seems all I can do is wait on the doctors who ARE doing something and hope and pray they find it sooner than later.  I don't know what else I can do?  This is just another one of life's challenges where I have to ask WHY? 

Now we're entering the Holidays.  Ugh...I'm suppose to put on a "happy face" and pretend all is fine, all is well...no I'm not sick and I'm not missing my son.  Why wouldn't I have a wonderful Holiday season?   Sure...I'll just hop right on over and join in your Merry festivities!  Now what's wrong with this picture? 

The Holidays are hard enough to get through without Andy.  Multiply that I don't know how many times with me being sick and confined to this house, unable to even bathe without a struggle.....I don't want to get caught in the "why circle".  It just sucks.  It's that simple.