Music Heals

Westlife - I'll See You Again [Where We Are Tour …: http://youtu.be/G57JH_Sk9Ws

Sometimes I hear a song that just sings to my heart.  Music has a way of helping the healing process.  I say this not just from experience, but it is a proven fact.  So if you need to let it all out or you need some encouragement to keep pushing forward try putting on some music.  Even better, sing along!  You might just be surprised! 

God bless and comfort you...

WHY?

Why?  That's the million dollar question.  One word, asked by so many that usually can't be answered.  Why?  We can drive ourselves crazy with this question.  Why my son?  Why?  I've asked this so many times.  The only answer I honestly get is "why not?".  It might sound callous but really what makes me and my child any more special than any other?  If not my son then who's?  Why anybody's child?  They "why's" are endless.  I know if Andy had been given the choice "You or ---- must go.  Who will it be?"  He would have chosen to go rather than chosen somebody else.  Perhaps that's why?  I won't know until my time comes.  That's why "why" is so torturous.

I can ask "why" in so many areas of my life.  Simply put "life isn't fair".  Is that bad?  Would you choose to have someone who you know is less capable of facing a particular challenge than you face it just to be fair if given the choice?  Sure it would be nice to not be given that choice.  It would be nice if we just had a nice life of balance and we could sail through it with ease but if that were the case would we really grow as individuals? (Note:  I'd prefer a bit less growth thanks!)

Years ago I more or less gave up drinking alcohol.  Maybe on special occasions I might have a drink but its very rare.  With all the medications I have had to take off and on over the years and other circumstances, I just lost my taste for alcohol.  I don't judge others for drinking.  It's just not for me.  One drink and I'll feel like crap,  It interferes with my already poor sleep.  I think of it as "I'm allergic to alcohol".  So, I gave up alcohol,  some people were concerned by the amount of prescription medications I had to take so I cut back on my medications (not advised), I took up cycling and was riding 20 plus miles daily.  Taking trips that involved riding all day every day and totaling hundreds of miles.  I was doing everything to IMPROVE my health.  I had lost weight and was still losing.  While I knew people who were still living a life of work, eat, sleep, and socialize by drinking at the bar which usually meant going home drunk.  No exercise.  So WHY is it I have been sick since July?  I've been stuck in my house sicker than I've ever been, at first without a doctor who would even do anything to find out why.  Why?  I wrote to the Cleveland Clinic who immediately contacted me and said they would accept me as a patient yet it's been months and I've yet to get an appointment that was suppose to take "up to 5 days" for them tell me when I would be seen.  Why?  Any time we've called they say they haven't forgotten me.  They're still waiting on the physicians to figure out which tests they will want ran.  Still waiting on just one more physician.  (that was two months ago)  Why?  If they had any idea how I feel.   I did finally get a new doctor and have recently seen a specialist (rheumatologist).  My new doctor ran a bunch of tests and more or less gave up.  The specialist said that it's not an easy diagnosis and she needs to see the results of the tests already ran so she gave me some medication that isn't working for my pain and I go back next month.  Now I know many people prefer to think that this is all in my head because it's not been easily diagnosed.  Again WHY?  I can tell you if ANYBODY felt what I am feeling daily I guarantee they would consider it an emergency.  If I keep complaining then people say I'm "obsessed with my health" so I'm just grinning and bearing it the best I can, sometimes the tears just roll down my face and I just say my eyes are watering.  What am I suppose to do?  Say?  I speak up and am thought to be crazy!  I've been to the ER and they do nothing.  I've been to doctors.  It seems all I can do is wait on the doctors who ARE doing something and hope and pray they find it sooner than later.  I don't know what else I can do?  This is just another one of life's challenges where I have to ask WHY? 

Now we're entering the Holidays.  Ugh...I'm suppose to put on a "happy face" and pretend all is fine, all is well...no I'm not sick and I'm not missing my son.  Why wouldn't I have a wonderful Holiday season?   Sure...I'll just hop right on over and join in your Merry festivities!  Now what's wrong with this picture? 

The Holidays are hard enough to get through without Andy.  Multiply that I don't know how many times with me being sick and confined to this house, unable to even bathe without a struggle.....I don't want to get caught in the "why circle".  It just sucks.  It's that simple.

SUPPORT GROUPS

When Andy first passed I sought out a number of different online support groups mostly because I had the need to know if what I was feeling was normal.  The loss of a child is so overwhelming.  It turns one's world upside down and nothing seems real.  I just wanted to know that others were also experiencing what I was.  However at that time I did not want to talk.  Most likely because I couldn't.  To say much more than how agonizing it was would be to acknowledge what was unacceptable to my heart and brain at that time.

Over time living without my son has not got much easier, I will not lie.  But one must learn to accept what is, if one is to go on living.  We just have no other choice.  The pain is still so very real and all too often very raw but now we are much more aware of it and we have no other choice but to find ways to live with this pain.  I often compare it to having a huge hole in my heart, over time I'm learning to plant flowers around that hole to make it more peaceful to visit.  Those flowers are the wonderful memories I carry with me of my son's life.  I am planting them in such a way as to try and hide the hole as much as possible but make no mistake, that hole is still there! 

I'm coming to recognize a new purpose for support groups and possibly a more meaningful purpose .  Now I could be wrong, this stage is new to me but I suspect that new and possibly life long friendships will come to bloom from some of the support groups now as I come to depend on them for that one place where I can still go to release my feelings that will always remain with me.  Unlike any other grief, the loss of a child is one that never goes away.  It seems many of us carry with us to some degree a need to speak of our angels and "nurture" them in some way.  Support groups such as Compassionate Friends and others offer that opportunity.  We can show pictures like other mom's show pictures of their living children, we can nurture by participating in candle lighting and balloon releases and other events that allow us to still feel involved in some way in our child's "life" and we have the chance to build friendships with other parents who understand these needs and feelings because they have them too, something that only a grieving parent can understand.

I've noticed that it's fairly common for grieving mothers to join a group then need to back off for a time then many find their way back.  I suspect that this could be why.  Perhaps we back off during that painful period when we are facing the reality of acceptance? 

As I said, I'm still learning, this is always a growing new "normal" for me which I am simply sharing my thoughts along the way.  But it's just a hunch that support groups can offer a nice soft place to rest once that painful reality of acceptance has been faced.  A place where they understand.

HOLIDAYS

As holiday joyfulness
Starts to fill with cheer
My heart sinks much lower
Becoming more aware
you're not here.

While others gather together
Their families intact
Pretending I'm happy
Becomes so much harder  an act.

They just can't understand
And I pray they never do
What its like for me
To face holidays without you.

I just want to hide
"Silent Night" has a new tone
As I whisper your name
In the darkness alone.

Yet never before
Have I felt closer to God
After all HE is holding
Part of my heart close in love.