The Road Traveled Thus Far

They say we have no choice but "process" thru I believe
Five stages of grief.  Some take longer than others, some we get stuck in and continue to return to and repeat. 
I've just been reading some of my posts from the past.  I tend to put my feelings out here and try to leave them.  This is my first time reviewing my own words and I guess the social and behavioral sciences major in me is coming out because I'm surprised to recognize some of the stages in my own walk.
I also was a bit taken aback at how angry I've become.  I really don't like seeing that.  Hopefully I'm correct when I say it feels as if a change is afoot.  Although to what I don't know. 
So much has changed.  Are they permanent changes?  Were they necessary in order for me/us to cope?  I suspect so.  But how many of these will have to remain?  I honestly don't know. 
I feel as a family we've hit an all time low but we've hit it together and that's what matters most.  And this low isn't totally due to losing Andy.  I'm facing the worst illness in the worst of circumstances ever.  This is seriously kicking my butt though and I'm more or less without a doctor but waiting for an appointment with the Cleveland clinic and a specialist here in town.  Although through recent information I'm afraid she's the wrong kind of specialist and we simply don't have the money to keep grasping at straws.  Its incredibly scary having to decide what to do!  The wrong decision could cost me my life if I am correct, and a friend going through the same is correct.  But if we're wrong we can't financially afford that.  I could really use your prayers and some guidance from up there in Heaven!  As much as I love and miss everyone I'm really not ready to join you yet.  I'm not finished here!
Looking back I never would have thought I would have been saying that again.  Only by the Grace of God....

A MOTHER'S LOVE

I've felt guilty for neglecting this blog for so long.  "People will think I've forgotten you" constantly runs through my head.  First, let me assure you, that couldn't be further from the truth!  A mother's love for her children begins the moment she knows she's pregnant and carrys on til death, her death to be specific.  Nothing that child does (or doesn't) do can sever that or lessen that love.  As a mother I can can only imagine the grief mother's of people like Jeffrey Dahmer or other violent publicly hated figures must endure. 
People tend to disappear from your life during the "storms" in even the best of circumstances.  Whether they don't know what to say or do, don't like the ongoing negative vibe, or don't like feeling helpless?  I honestly don't know the reason.  I can tell people, when someone needs you even if it seems like there's nothing you can do to change their situation, your mere loving presence is helping. Anyway, to have to grieve in such solitude as those mothers would likely have to would be so horrible.  We long to hear our children's names, living or not, said with love.  Every mother wants that for her child and the grave doesn't change it, nothing changes that.  While they're alive we have the privilege of nurturing them, hugging them, kissing them, listening to them, watching them grow and ...well hopefully be loved and love life.  A grieving mother is robbed of all the "normal" privileges of motherhood with that child.  We must create a new normal. We maintain their graves, hold memorials...write blogs.  Anything that gives us that sense of still being a mom, still loving our child and if it prompts another to lovingly share a memory, say (or write) their name, light a candle... Essentially keep at least their memory alive, we're loving part of them alive. 
Since becoming a GM I've come to understand how very important this is.  I experience it and have yet to meet one single GM who doesn't.  This doesn't end in a year, not in two years, not in even twenty years.  We carry it with us til we are joined with that child again.  Come to think of it, I don't know yet if it ever ends.
So if you know a woman who has lost a child, let her know you think of her child with love.  Just as seeing our living children get love and praise fills any mothers heart with joy, your little moment of acknowledgement is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.