CELEBRATE? NEW YEARS EVE 2012

 

How ironic,  I'm sitting on a balcony overlooking the ocean.  My favorite place in the world to be and a place known for it's beautiful sunsets yet this evening the sunset is clouded over.  I can't see the sun.  Just like my heart is missing my own son.  I'm thinking about last year and how I had no idea that in just 29 short days I would never see my son again.  Oh how I wish instead of going forward and ringing in a new year we could go in reverse!  Why can't we go in reverse just this one time?

 

I should be happy to say goodbye to 2012.  It was such a horrible year and in many ways I am.   Except for one- 2012 holds in it the very last days I spent with Andy and I never want to say goodbye to him or those days.  I want to literally see his smile again and not just in a picture or in my head.  I want to hear his voice and not just in a recording or in my head.  I want my life back to NORMAL and 2013 holds nothing normal about it for me at all.  So  I'm holding on as tight as I can to these last few hours yet they are still slipping through my grasp like a ghost.

 

My heart and head still cannot accept that he is gone.  I have my moments, like the waves crashing on the shore below me...do they have any idea that soon they are going to hit the beach and no longer be their former selves?  The sea will suck them back out and do whatever  it has planned for them leaving just a fleeting memory of some crushed shells to remind us they were once here.

 

Like those waves I have no idea what lies ahead and it's scary.  To have traveled so far for so long as things were just to crash and it all be gone in an instant.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  What or who I will be or if I will even "be" remains the nightmare that awaits me in 2013. 

 

I also know that I no longer have just one "New Years".   January 30th will forever be the day my life changed forever and thus my 2nd and worst "new years day".  So tonight I'm going to TRY to get dressed and go with my husband and daughter down to the pier for the "celebration" because what lies ahead with the coming 2nd new year is without a doubt NOT going to be anything like tonight.  Tonight I'm going to try and celebrate the family I do still have here with me.

 

My prayers go out to all of the other grieving parents facing the same heartbreak tonight...be it your first or your 31rst.  I know the pain never goes away. God Bless you and Comfort you....Til we see them again. 

 



INNOCENCE LOST

This morning probably started out like any other morning just a little over a week before Christmas for the families of children attending Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn.  Most likely their morning chatter included at least something about their Christmas wish list and Santa as they tried to stay on their very best behavior just in case he might be watching.

I doubt that any of those parents thought even in their wildest dreams as they said goodbye to their children this morning that it would be their last goodbye for 20 of those students and their parents.  Mere kindergartners.  But tonight the parents of 20 children from Sandy Hook Elementary joined our horrible group.  Tonight the parents of 20 children are sitting at home numb yet not nearly numb enough, still trying to grasp the events that turned their world forever upside down today. " IS THIS REAL?" running through many of their minds.  "THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL"  Staring at their Christmas tree and the presents under it thinking his or her presents are right there!  He/she will come home any time now.  Hoping and praying that their beloved child somehow was hiding or got away and just has been too scared to come out of  hiding.  That has to be it!  Of course he will be home to open his Transformer Figures he wanted so badly on Christmas Morning!  This simply can't be real.  There will be no sleep for those parents tonight or for many nights to come.

How and when does their anguish end?  I only wish I knew.  I know their gut wrenching pain all to well though.  Tonight I'm sure that it doesn't take having lost a child to join them in asking "why?"  A question to which we will likely never know the answer.  What could upset this young man so greatly to do such a horrendous thing?  Why the children?  Why did he have to shoot the children?  Let's us not forget he was not long from a child himself!  What could have happened in this young man's life that could cause such anger and or pain to lead him to take 28 lives including his own before 9:30am?

How will this effect this town?  I hope they realize that the one blessing they have in all of this is each other.  Although at the moment I'm sure that is of no consolation and might even sound callus but in time they will come to see the true blessing in it, because nobody else can honestly understand (Thank God) what they're going through except those who are also going through it.  That's not to say that other's cannot be caring, understanding and supportive, just that the pain is so unique and deep that they can only help so much.

My suggestion is, if you want to help, let these families know you care.  Do NOT allow this incident to become the platform for a political agenda or a media circus.  As much as we'd love to know every little detail and see into the lives of these families please give them their space to grieve in peace.  If they want to talk they will talk.  Consider a fund for any families who might not have had life insurance on their child(ren) so they can have the peace of giving their child a grand and proper burial.  And pray.  Pray for them, their community and our society that could let such hurt and anger brew to such a boiling point as it did today, right under their noses.  How might things have been totally different if someone at the right time had taken notice and cared to ask the shooter "Is something wrong?" before he picked up and loaded those guns?

We were created for companionship yet what does our society put value on?  Independence.  Most barely have time to manage their own let alone bother with someone outside their immediate family.  And apparently the majority of Americans would rather hand their money over to the government to decide who and how to help instead of having to face and deal with the needy themselves.  As long as we continue down this path incidents like today are only going to continue to rise.  The change must come from within each and every one of us.  I'll leave you tonight with the so very true famous words "BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD"  GOD BLESS....

THOUGHTS 2

My thoughts have been side tracked lately, as a young man I've come to  know over the past few months who's name happens to be Andrew just lost his last surviving parent.  (PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS) Don't think I didn't notice the irony that in the same year I lost my Andrew and Andrew lost his parents.  He's younger than my Andy,  in between Andy and Cat in age.  I can't imagine what he must be going through.  Yes, I've lost both of my parents, a brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and obviously my son but to be on your own at 19?  I've tried reaching out to him yet of all the kids I have who call me "mom" , who come in and out my door still.  Of all the kids who will ALWAYS have a home with me and know that, This one in particular always feels he's "imposing".  I keep praying God will show him differently.

I have no idea how he is getting through these days right now.  I hope he isn't being taken advantage of or mislead in any way while making arrangements.  I know how confusing it was to me.  I don't think I could have done it alone at 24 with mom or at 34 with Dad.  There are things I wish I'd done different at 44 with Andy's.  I mean, here at a time when you least want to be making decisions like that, when your mind can't focus on anything you have to go  in and sit down and make $10,000 plus permanent final decisions for your loved one.

Just a note, if you are a parent no matter how young, make sure you have life insurance and a will with a guardian named for your child(ren).  Better yet you might want to do like my Dad did.  He avoided the inheritance tax by placing everything in our names long before he passed so we owned his house etc, we didn't "inherit" it.  He had pretty much all of his final arrangements taken care of.  We just had to pick out music and pictures and things like that. And what I think it the hardest of all, sort through a lifetime of memories.  I still haven't touched Andy's.  I can't.  I tried, just washing up his dirty laundry took me til this past month and wow did it throw me for a loop.  It felt NORMAL again!  But I knew it wasn't.  I felt like it was a normal weekend, he had come home from college and I was washing up his laundry for him and at any time he would come in and get it and say "Thanks mom" .  But the clothes just hung there until Derek moved them.  Andy never came in and got them and I never heard "Thanks mom".  We didn't eat chili and watch the Colt's play then I didn't take him back to Crawfordsville.  The clothes just hung there and I cried.  Pictures of him wearing them flashed before me.  I could tell you exactly what occasion he would wear which outfit for, which one's were his favorites, even which one's I personally didn't care for on him.  Oh how I wish I could see him walking in right now in one of those so I could think "Ya know that really doesn't bring out your better qualities" but keep it to myself.

I still find myself thinking all the time "how can you be gone?"  "It can't be real" Then sometimes  I feel as if I'm losing my mind, not even sure what is and isn't real.  How can my beautiful boy be gone?  It's as if it's a cruel joke and I want it to be over!  "Come out now!" I want to scream!  "This isn't funny!  Come out right now!"

I want to go back to a year and a half ago before he ever was put on that patch with what I know now!!!!  I think I can't get over this one particular mountain-Andy's death could have been prevented.  If he had not been on that blasted patch he would still be here today.  So SOMEBODY  is to blame for his death!  And as I see it that falls on those he trusted his life to-His doctor and me.  No lawyer will touch the case.  One told me that "all the information that you have told us that the doctor failed to tell you is in the package insert.  They will simply say you should have read it."  So in other words it doesn't matter what the professional who is paid hundreds of dollars tells you, even with doctor's "Let the buyer beware".  It's MY fault my son is dead.  I DID ask questions mind you.  But I asked the doctor.  Good Lord I even recommended this man to others!  He was kind and compassionate, a Christian.  He made us feel very comfortable and like we could trust him.  Further he was really the only doctor around who did actually help Andy.  There are some truly horrible pain management specialists around and not many to choose from in our area. This doctor was both pain management and a spine and neck injury specialist.  I blame the government as well.  Their handling of pain patients is so wrong.  They treat them automatically like criminals.  They put them in a position where they are afraid to be honest with their doctors because they are constantly being profiled and one wrong statement can get you profiled wrong as a user or abuser and you get cut off.  I know of one man who was in severe back pain.  He could not move and he kept telling his doctor that.  But back pain is one  they know so little about that many abusers will use that to get their drugs so his doctor wouldn't listen.  His son was desperate for some relief for him and was searching everywhere (yes illegally) for some pain medication to help his Dad.  To make this story short, eventually they DID discover his Dad had cancer.  He was put on the strongest of fentanyl patches and died less than three months later.

I have done my research now and a lot of it.  Let it come as no surprise to anyone that I intend to be a loud advocate for the legalization of marijuana and DMT.  Why our government has these illegal, well I can't say what I was going to say.  I know exactly why out government has them illegal, because they can't tax them and make a profit off of them.  One is a plant and the other is in nearly all living things as a naturally occurring compound.   Neither has negative side effects that can't be worked around.  Neither has ever caused a death due to overdose (You can't OD on them) in fact pot has a cannaboid in it that actually makes it impossible to OD on it, the same one that may be a cure for cancer!  Yet it's illegal.  It reduces inflammation, helps with pain even in opioid tolerant patients.  It is not physically addictive.  It helps with nausea and vomiting, seizures, epilepsy, and they have good reason to believe that it will be helpful in treating autoimmune diseases.  It helps increase appetite at first then eventually has components that help stabilize insulin production in the body, the cause of diabetes and thyroid disease (weight gain or sometimes loss), it's a natural anti-anxiety medication.  It's only negative is if you are bi-polar it can cause you to swing more rapidly.  It isn't for those with bi-polar disease.  They were concerned about the risk of increased cancer from smoking it but have found no evidence that that is the case.  

And DMT has cured people of long time heroine and alcohol addiction and depression with just one "Trip".  Scientists and "hippies" (I won't call them druggies because it's not your typical street drug) all refer to this as a spiritual awakening, not a "high".  They all say it's something you come out of as a better person.  SCIENTISTS say this.  DMT is the same compound that your brain releases when you enter REM sleep or the dream state.  Ironically it's illegal yet everyone of us carries it and uses it every night!  Again I ask why would our government want to keep this away from us?  With both of these, unlike the drugs they push on us whenever we go to the doctor.  Drugs with side effects that can be as harmful or worse than what they are being used to treat.  These two have none of that.  They are created by God.  Natural and healing and no bad side effects and if legal my son would be alive today.  Or if we had been willing to break the law but had we done that we could not have pursued the curing surgery needed.  You know that one that we never got because the insurance kept  wanting Andy to try the same thing over and over again all the while remaining on and building a tolerance to the narcotic pain meds at such a young age.

He had one doctor who was so bad.  He would have us sitting in his waiting room for hours, then more hours once we got back in a room.  He was rude and disrespectful to both Andy and me and he WAY over medicated him with drugs that didn't work other than knocking him out.  He couldn't even get through a text without nodding off!  So we left that doctor (and filed several complaints), next doctor had to perform a regular "surgery" it was an ultrasound guided injection on Andy.  Andy was running a fever of 101, having incredibly bad spasms and vomiting.  He couldn't stand on his own.  This doctor refused to sedate Andy for the procedure which is how it's suppose to be done and I could hear him yelling at him in his Indian accent to hold still and Andy in tears saying he was trying to.  They brought him back to his cubical and told him to get dressed and go.  I asked for a wheelchair and the nurse got rude with me and I had to argue to get one because he could not even stand.  They didn't give him anything for the pain or spasms on the ride home or any dismissal papers.  He felt much worse and when the hospital called for a follow up the nurse said "I can see that you are telling me the truth because #1 I would have been the one to sedate you and I know I wasn't called in and #2 I'm sitting here looking at the papers you should have been sent home with and I can see you should have never been given the procedure let alone sent home.  I will have to file a complaint on this doctor"  A short time later we received a letter saying that Andy was being let go due to them finding pot in his last drug test.  My husband and I were there for his last appointment and heard the doctor with our own ears go over his drug test and no pot was in his system.  He reported that out of spite.  Shortly after that we got a letter that he had been released from that clinic and would be happy to take Andy on as a patient at his new place of employment.   I think not!  Now we would get accused of "doctor shopping".  My question is why is that bad?  Anyway, we were very happy when we found Dr Kingma (his final PM doctor).  You can imagine why besides his kind and compassionate demeanor after these others he seemed like a saint!  I will say he even had the courtesy to call to offer his condolences.  Do I think he intentionally killed my son? No, not at all.  I actually think he is a very nice man.  But I don't think doctors are being as informed as they should be about fentanyl patches.  If they were I think they would only prescribe them to terminal cancer patients.  And I believe PM doctors would be or should be fighting for the legalization for at least medical marajuana.  That would have possibly cut out three medications Andy was taking that weren't working and helped with a few other symptoms that weren't being treated and he would still be alive!  As a side note:  Andy should have never been put on the fentanyl due to other conditions he had such as severe central sleep apnea especially combined with some of the other medications it was combined with.  We nearly lost him the previous August, after being on the patch less than a month, the same way and would have had his girlfriend from not been visting.

I look back at all the times we could have and nearly lost him sooner and I am so grateful but then I look at how easily his death could have been prevented and I am so angry.  It's not right and it's not fair.  How does a parent live with this?  Living without your child is impossible as it is..how do you live with knowing it could have been prevented?  That YOU could have prevented it?

SO THIS IS IT?

 

 

 

So this is it?

An entire life

summed up

in a few meager words

tucked away somewhere

lost in the middle

of the local newspaper.

So this is it?

Once a vibrant personality

now just a name etched

in stone.

That hardly shows any 'semblance

of the miracle that was you

or the relationship we knew

No passerby will ever know

what a name etched in stone

simply cannot show.

The son, the brother, the friend, the lover

The young man with ambition

yet not lacking compassion at all

It tells nothing about how I miss your voice

or your sweet contagious smile

Just merely there you were born

and you lived among us a while.