Andy Hensley's 23rd Birthday Memorial

NO GOODBYE

How would you feel

if you were told to make your heart let go?

not let it show?

don't let other's know

the pain is still there

very much alive

inside?

Why am I

responsible for their comfort

when it's my son who died?

Live a lie

so they can go by

their daily lives

like nothing ever happened?

I want to scream

HE LIVED!

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HIM ALREADY?

NOT I.

NEVER COULD I.

I cannot live THAT lie.

I miss him

every day

every hour

 every second that goes by...

THAT'S MY LIFE.

And I cry

For the life he was denied.

I can't nor do I want to hold it all inside.

My son has died!

No Goodbye.

If that is something

you think you could survive

and not suffer the rest of your life?

Bully for you!

That's you!

Not I!

I pray you never have to try..



I BELIEVE

 

 

 

OF COURSE I'M HAPPY

I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN ONE DAY

AND YES I TRULY BELIEVE THIS

BUT THIS DOES NOTHING

TO LESSEN THE PAIN

OF EVERTHING ABOUT YOU

THAT I MISS.



Andy's spring 2014 flowers

LOST

This is a tough one.  I've started on a ride in Florida for THE WOUNDED WARRIOR PROJECT  and had a lot of time to think.  On this ride I've missed my family more than ever.

I think my healing might finally be progressing.  I think 2 things have been happening- I've been running away from the familiar that was/is too painful without Andy in it and I've been trying to replace what I was missing which is I impossible.

I realize now I have no choice but to face this horrible reality and move forward from here.  GOD HELP ME!

Video

Missing you...In Memory of Andy Hensley

NOTHING BUT RERUNS...

 

I fight back the nausea as it hits me harder.  While going thru the old photo's of you and missing you til I feel like I can't stand it any more it hits me, there will never be any more new pictures of you.  I can keep putting together my little home video slides but others are going to get tired of seeing the same pictures over and over all the time like a broken record.  But that's all I have now of you-reruns.

 

Every nerve in my body feels like it's been dipped in hot acid then put back in my body.  I've been fighting throwing up all week.  I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep this week away.  But that's proving to be impossible.

 

I've figured out something too.  I've figured out why the divorce rate is so high after the loss of a child.  People simply are not good at being needed emotionally.  Most people in our society can't handle being needed THAT much emotionally.  It doesn't "feel"

 comfortable let alone rewarding to most people.  Rather it feels demanding and vulnerable and revealing ...all things that could make a relationship stronger but are very hard to break down.  Also we  all tend to grieve differently.  A person's grief is as unique as the relationship the person had with the deceased.  So what is extremely important to one might seem downright senseless to the other

 

Then I think how sad it is the lessons I am learning thru this.  I think that's why I love my long distance cycling so much, the kindness and compassion I see from people when riding seems to offset the coldness I see in people when facing the grief of losing Andy.  People do want to give.  People do long to make a connection with others but when they are faced with the deep agonizing pain of grief they don't know what to .do, and are afraid of upsetting the person more.  Which unfortunately leaves a person who is mourning the loss of a child very alone when they need support the most.

 

Two years ago today my world turned upside down.  I've been trying and trying to recall my last conversations with Andy and for the life of me I can't.  What I cannot get out of my head though is the picture of him lying on the end of his bed so cold and lifeless or the smell.  My head and my heart scream loudly NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My son can't be gone!  I still cannot accept that.  Somebody is going to fix this mistake and he is going to come home and life is going to return to normal again.  It has to!

IT HAS TO!

 

I MISS MY SON!