Andy's spring 2014 flowers

LOST

This is a tough one.  I've started on a ride in Florida for THE WOUNDED WARRIOR PROJECT  and had a lot of time to think.  On this ride I've missed my family more than ever.

I think my healing might finally be progressing.  I think 2 things have been happening- I've been running away from the familiar that was/is too painful without Andy in it and I've been trying to replace what I was missing which is I impossible.

I realize now I have no choice but to face this horrible reality and move forward from here.  GOD HELP ME!

Video

Missing you...In Memory of Andy Hensley

NOTHING BUT RERUNS...

 

I fight back the nausea as it hits me harder.  While going thru the old photo's of you and missing you til I feel like I can't stand it any more it hits me, there will never be any more new pictures of you.  I can keep putting together my little home video slides but others are going to get tired of seeing the same pictures over and over all the time like a broken record.  But that's all I have now of you-reruns.

 

Every nerve in my body feels like it's been dipped in hot acid then put back in my body.  I've been fighting throwing up all week.  I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep this week away.  But that's proving to be impossible.

 

I've figured out something too.  I've figured out why the divorce rate is so high after the loss of a child.  People simply are not good at being needed emotionally.  Most people in our society can't handle being needed THAT much emotionally.  It doesn't "feel"

 comfortable let alone rewarding to most people.  Rather it feels demanding and vulnerable and revealing ...all things that could make a relationship stronger but are very hard to break down.  Also we  all tend to grieve differently.  A person's grief is as unique as the relationship the person had with the deceased.  So what is extremely important to one might seem downright senseless to the other

 

Then I think how sad it is the lessons I am learning thru this.  I think that's why I love my long distance cycling so much, the kindness and compassion I see from people when riding seems to offset the coldness I see in people when facing the grief of losing Andy.  People do want to give.  People do long to make a connection with others but when they are faced with the deep agonizing pain of grief they don't know what to .do, and are afraid of upsetting the person more.  Which unfortunately leaves a person who is mourning the loss of a child very alone when they need support the most.

 

Two years ago today my world turned upside down.  I've been trying and trying to recall my last conversations with Andy and for the life of me I can't.  What I cannot get out of my head though is the picture of him lying on the end of his bed so cold and lifeless or the smell.  My head and my heart scream loudly NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My son can't be gone!  I still cannot accept that.  Somebody is going to fix this mistake and he is going to come home and life is going to return to normal again.  It has to!

IT HAS TO!

 

I MISS MY SON!

Why I grieve

I just read a very touching post from a friend,  remembering his late mother beautifully on her angelversarrry today and it helped me put into perspective (at least for the moment) why I hurt so badly.  People often seem to feel the need to remind me that Andy is "In a better place" which makes me feel guilty for the pain I feel.  I should be happy for him right?  But I don't grieve for him.  He IS in a better place and I do believe he feels no sadness, no tears, no pain.  So why am I hurting so bad?  It's like he left this huge hole, a hole that I used to pour all the love I had for him into and now it just spills into ....nothing.  Maybe that's why so many of us feel the very strong need to DO SOMETHING in memory of our child/loved one?  We need to direct that love to something concrete and tangible.  We NEED to feel them receive it.  Especially as mothers/parents it's particularly hard because we love constantly and unconditionally and are bonded to for all of OUR lives  Grief is love with no place to go?

Andrew "Andy" James Hensley - Homepage

Andrew "Andy" James Hensley - Homepage  This is a link to a memorial page I've had up since shortly after Andy passed.  Please take some time to visit, add your memories, pictures, thoughts...please remember him. :(  Two years the end of this month.  He should be here with us today.  Things shouldn't be this way.  Now all I can do is ask that you don't forget him...

My 2nd Christmas Without You...

You cannot possibly imagine how much I think back to this particular Christmas.  It was Andy's last Christmas with us.  I would have never have dreamt that a little over a month later he'd be gone.  It makes me happy to see that he was smiling, at least he enjoyed his last Christmas with us.  God I wish I could go back and change time.  I wish I could go back to that Christmas knowing what was coming and change it.  I wish Andy was home from college, both of my kids were here and life was happy and normal again.  I wonder how our lives would be different if he was still here?  I know one thing, I would cry or have to fight back the tears every time I look at our Christmas tree.

 

I look at this picture and think about how full of life he was.  Even when he hurt so bad he loved to make people laugh and I loved hearing his laugh.  He could pull anyone out of their shell and he really listened and cared..  He truly lived life to it's fullest.  I know his injury really got him down because it was the first time he faced a major hurdle that he wasn't sure he could clear.  He always went after what he wanted with everything he had and he rarely failed at getting it.  I don't mean that he was the type to step on whoever's toes it took either.  He accomplished his goals thru pure hard work.  He never let that scare him off.

 

We're used to seeing people's life lights slowly fade as we age, not that that's easy but it's how it's suppose to be.  But what the heart and brain cannot comprehend is when such a strong vibrant light is snuffed out so quickly and unexpectedly.  It's so wrong that it should be impossible but obviously ...it isn't.  The loss of a child leaves a hole so deep and dark that it's like a black hole in space...and we can't do anything about it.  It sucks in any joy or happiness that dares to peek it's head into our lives, it sucks in everything that is us and all we can do is keep breathing and HOPE that someday we will come out whole again from that black hole. 

 

Please know though, that just because I cannot feel "Merry" does not mean that I am not sincere when I wish all of you the very Merriest of Christmas' and all the blessings God has to offer in the coming New Year.

 

And if you are young parents, up late tonight doing what parents of young children do on Christmas eve ;)  Wishing you were close to done and could get to bed, dreading what little sleep you are going to get and what energy is going to be expected of you tomorrow morning I urge you to go in and quietly look at your angel sleeping soundly in their bed dreaming of tomorrow morning and the magic it brings.  Take some time and think about how fast the time you have had them has already passed and you might just find that second wind.  Enjoy this time while you can because it passes so quickly.  Oh...and take lots of pictures! ;) 

 

God Bless and Merry Christmas!