What's the point?

Hello Son!  How was your day?  It's so good to hear your voice!  Will you and the family be able to stay for long?  I hope so I've missed you all so much.  Wow Jr is growing up so fast!  He's really got your eyes and I can't believe the baby is crawling already, my Lord how time does fly! I bought some steaks for the grill tonight.  Tomorrow how does pizza sound?  Oh, not for you!  Sorry, we thought we'd take the kids and let you take the wife out on the town.  We don't get to see them nearly enough and, well I'm sure you two would love some time alone yes?  Yes, Caitlyn and her husband will be in sometime this evening.  He had to work late.  Maybe the 4 of you could do something together tomorrow!  She really should get out, she's not going to have that chance for a while once the baby comes.  I know! Next Christmas is going to really be something isn't it!  With all the little one's running around! :)  Oh!  I forgot!  JT and Mia are coming for New Years!  I thought we'd all go to Capt. Jacks for dinner then to the Pier for the festivities.  Then I talked to Molly two houses down.  As long as one of us can drive them back, she and her best friend will watch the kids after the beach ball drop.  They can stay all night if needed and the kids love them.

So what's this big news you've been going on and on about?  Why do I have to wait til Cat gets here?!  You're really enjoying torturing me aren't you! lol (later) WHAT! The two of you are starting a business together here!  Does that mean I'll have all my family together in the same place!?  Both my children working together!?  When did this happen?  Do you need any help getting started?  It sounds like you've been planning this for a while?  How did you all keep this quiet!  I'm so happy!  When will all of you actually be moving here?  I know it will be successful, when the four of you put your heads together it's always successful...

WHO'S EXPECTING AGAIN!!!???

Dreams..
For the most part, although embellished lol,  the above is what and why a "normal" person looks forward to the holidays.  Time with their kids, their family and all that comes with that. What I'd give to see his face and hear his voice again.  Just to have everyday conversation with him and watch him interact with his sister and close friends.  See where life would have taken him.  I'd be extremely excited about the Holidays too if they went like the above!  Shoot it doesn't have to be a holiday...any old day/weekend...I miss my son.  I miss having my family whole.  I miss days like today when he'd be in here already with his Colts Jersey on ready for some football...let the SMACK begin...first game-two good friends, opposite sides.   In this house though it's chili and the second game that we are most interested in.  Others would likely start pouring in to eat and watch with us.  Now half of those guys, his football brothers and best friends then don't speak to each other and I barely ever hear from many of them.  Many I have not heard from since his passing.  Could one young man have such a huge impact on so many lives?  And yet so many just forget about him in just a mere three years?  Of course I don't expect others to put their lives on hold or to be as crushed as me but it seems as if he's been completely forgotten by 98% of those who he loved completely and gave so freely too.  Is this what happens?  Is this why we have relationships?  And if someone who loved as strongly as Andy can be so quickly left in the past what about the rest of us?  Wow...I'll be lucky to have anyone even attend my funeral!  They say we live on in the hearts and memories of those who love us.  So many times I've asked for those who loved him to share their memories and few if any have spoke up  Is this how little our lives mean?

Music Heals

Westlife - I'll See You Again [Where We Are Tour …: http://youtu.be/G57JH_Sk9Ws

Sometimes I hear a song that just sings to my heart.  Music has a way of helping the healing process.  I say this not just from experience, but it is a proven fact.  So if you need to let it all out or you need some encouragement to keep pushing forward try putting on some music.  Even better, sing along!  You might just be surprised! 

God bless and comfort you...

WHY?

Why?  That's the million dollar question.  One word, asked by so many that usually can't be answered.  Why?  We can drive ourselves crazy with this question.  Why my son?  Why?  I've asked this so many times.  The only answer I honestly get is "why not?".  It might sound callous but really what makes me and my child any more special than any other?  If not my son then who's?  Why anybody's child?  They "why's" are endless.  I know if Andy had been given the choice "You or ---- must go.  Who will it be?"  He would have chosen to go rather than chosen somebody else.  Perhaps that's why?  I won't know until my time comes.  That's why "why" is so torturous.

I can ask "why" in so many areas of my life.  Simply put "life isn't fair".  Is that bad?  Would you choose to have someone who you know is less capable of facing a particular challenge than you face it just to be fair if given the choice?  Sure it would be nice to not be given that choice.  It would be nice if we just had a nice life of balance and we could sail through it with ease but if that were the case would we really grow as individuals? (Note:  I'd prefer a bit less growth thanks!)

Years ago I more or less gave up drinking alcohol.  Maybe on special occasions I might have a drink but its very rare.  With all the medications I have had to take off and on over the years and other circumstances, I just lost my taste for alcohol.  I don't judge others for drinking.  It's just not for me.  One drink and I'll feel like crap,  It interferes with my already poor sleep.  I think of it as "I'm allergic to alcohol".  So, I gave up alcohol,  some people were concerned by the amount of prescription medications I had to take so I cut back on my medications (not advised), I took up cycling and was riding 20 plus miles daily.  Taking trips that involved riding all day every day and totaling hundreds of miles.  I was doing everything to IMPROVE my health.  I had lost weight and was still losing.  While I knew people who were still living a life of work, eat, sleep, and socialize by drinking at the bar which usually meant going home drunk.  No exercise.  So WHY is it I have been sick since July?  I've been stuck in my house sicker than I've ever been, at first without a doctor who would even do anything to find out why.  Why?  I wrote to the Cleveland Clinic who immediately contacted me and said they would accept me as a patient yet it's been months and I've yet to get an appointment that was suppose to take "up to 5 days" for them tell me when I would be seen.  Why?  Any time we've called they say they haven't forgotten me.  They're still waiting on the physicians to figure out which tests they will want ran.  Still waiting on just one more physician.  (that was two months ago)  Why?  If they had any idea how I feel.   I did finally get a new doctor and have recently seen a specialist (rheumatologist).  My new doctor ran a bunch of tests and more or less gave up.  The specialist said that it's not an easy diagnosis and she needs to see the results of the tests already ran so she gave me some medication that isn't working for my pain and I go back next month.  Now I know many people prefer to think that this is all in my head because it's not been easily diagnosed.  Again WHY?  I can tell you if ANYBODY felt what I am feeling daily I guarantee they would consider it an emergency.  If I keep complaining then people say I'm "obsessed with my health" so I'm just grinning and bearing it the best I can, sometimes the tears just roll down my face and I just say my eyes are watering.  What am I suppose to do?  Say?  I speak up and am thought to be crazy!  I've been to the ER and they do nothing.  I've been to doctors.  It seems all I can do is wait on the doctors who ARE doing something and hope and pray they find it sooner than later.  I don't know what else I can do?  This is just another one of life's challenges where I have to ask WHY? 

Now we're entering the Holidays.  Ugh...I'm suppose to put on a "happy face" and pretend all is fine, all is well...no I'm not sick and I'm not missing my son.  Why wouldn't I have a wonderful Holiday season?   Sure...I'll just hop right on over and join in your Merry festivities!  Now what's wrong with this picture? 

The Holidays are hard enough to get through without Andy.  Multiply that I don't know how many times with me being sick and confined to this house, unable to even bathe without a struggle.....I don't want to get caught in the "why circle".  It just sucks.  It's that simple.

SUPPORT GROUPS

When Andy first passed I sought out a number of different online support groups mostly because I had the need to know if what I was feeling was normal.  The loss of a child is so overwhelming.  It turns one's world upside down and nothing seems real.  I just wanted to know that others were also experiencing what I was.  However at that time I did not want to talk.  Most likely because I couldn't.  To say much more than how agonizing it was would be to acknowledge what was unacceptable to my heart and brain at that time.

Over time living without my son has not got much easier, I will not lie.  But one must learn to accept what is, if one is to go on living.  We just have no other choice.  The pain is still so very real and all too often very raw but now we are much more aware of it and we have no other choice but to find ways to live with this pain.  I often compare it to having a huge hole in my heart, over time I'm learning to plant flowers around that hole to make it more peaceful to visit.  Those flowers are the wonderful memories I carry with me of my son's life.  I am planting them in such a way as to try and hide the hole as much as possible but make no mistake, that hole is still there! 

I'm coming to recognize a new purpose for support groups and possibly a more meaningful purpose .  Now I could be wrong, this stage is new to me but I suspect that new and possibly life long friendships will come to bloom from some of the support groups now as I come to depend on them for that one place where I can still go to release my feelings that will always remain with me.  Unlike any other grief, the loss of a child is one that never goes away.  It seems many of us carry with us to some degree a need to speak of our angels and "nurture" them in some way.  Support groups such as Compassionate Friends and others offer that opportunity.  We can show pictures like other mom's show pictures of their living children, we can nurture by participating in candle lighting and balloon releases and other events that allow us to still feel involved in some way in our child's "life" and we have the chance to build friendships with other parents who understand these needs and feelings because they have them too, something that only a grieving parent can understand.

I've noticed that it's fairly common for grieving mothers to join a group then need to back off for a time then many find their way back.  I suspect that this could be why.  Perhaps we back off during that painful period when we are facing the reality of acceptance? 

As I said, I'm still learning, this is always a growing new "normal" for me which I am simply sharing my thoughts along the way.  But it's just a hunch that support groups can offer a nice soft place to rest once that painful reality of acceptance has been faced.  A place where they understand.

HOLIDAYS

As holiday joyfulness
Starts to fill with cheer
My heart sinks much lower
Becoming more aware
you're not here.

While others gather together
Their families intact
Pretending I'm happy
Becomes so much harder  an act.

They just can't understand
And I pray they never do
What its like for me
To face holidays without you.

I just want to hide
"Silent Night" has a new tone
As I whisper your name
In the darkness alone.

Yet never before
Have I felt closer to God
After all HE is holding
Part of my heart close in love.

The Road Traveled Thus Far

They say we have no choice but "process" thru I believe
Five stages of grief.  Some take longer than others, some we get stuck in and continue to return to and repeat. 
I've just been reading some of my posts from the past.  I tend to put my feelings out here and try to leave them.  This is my first time reviewing my own words and I guess the social and behavioral sciences major in me is coming out because I'm surprised to recognize some of the stages in my own walk.
I also was a bit taken aback at how angry I've become.  I really don't like seeing that.  Hopefully I'm correct when I say it feels as if a change is afoot.  Although to what I don't know. 
So much has changed.  Are they permanent changes?  Were they necessary in order for me/us to cope?  I suspect so.  But how many of these will have to remain?  I honestly don't know. 
I feel as a family we've hit an all time low but we've hit it together and that's what matters most.  And this low isn't totally due to losing Andy.  I'm facing the worst illness in the worst of circumstances ever.  This is seriously kicking my butt though and I'm more or less without a doctor but waiting for an appointment with the Cleveland clinic and a specialist here in town.  Although through recent information I'm afraid she's the wrong kind of specialist and we simply don't have the money to keep grasping at straws.  Its incredibly scary having to decide what to do!  The wrong decision could cost me my life if I am correct, and a friend going through the same is correct.  But if we're wrong we can't financially afford that.  I could really use your prayers and some guidance from up there in Heaven!  As much as I love and miss everyone I'm really not ready to join you yet.  I'm not finished here!
Looking back I never would have thought I would have been saying that again.  Only by the Grace of God....

A MOTHER'S LOVE

I've felt guilty for neglecting this blog for so long.  "People will think I've forgotten you" constantly runs through my head.  First, let me assure you, that couldn't be further from the truth!  A mother's love for her children begins the moment she knows she's pregnant and carrys on til death, her death to be specific.  Nothing that child does (or doesn't) do can sever that or lessen that love.  As a mother I can can only imagine the grief mother's of people like Jeffrey Dahmer or other violent publicly hated figures must endure. 
People tend to disappear from your life during the "storms" in even the best of circumstances.  Whether they don't know what to say or do, don't like the ongoing negative vibe, or don't like feeling helpless?  I honestly don't know the reason.  I can tell people, when someone needs you even if it seems like there's nothing you can do to change their situation, your mere loving presence is helping. Anyway, to have to grieve in such solitude as those mothers would likely have to would be so horrible.  We long to hear our children's names, living or not, said with love.  Every mother wants that for her child and the grave doesn't change it, nothing changes that.  While they're alive we have the privilege of nurturing them, hugging them, kissing them, listening to them, watching them grow and ...well hopefully be loved and love life.  A grieving mother is robbed of all the "normal" privileges of motherhood with that child.  We must create a new normal. We maintain their graves, hold memorials...write blogs.  Anything that gives us that sense of still being a mom, still loving our child and if it prompts another to lovingly share a memory, say (or write) their name, light a candle... Essentially keep at least their memory alive, we're loving part of them alive. 
Since becoming a GM I've come to understand how very important this is.  I experience it and have yet to meet one single GM who doesn't.  This doesn't end in a year, not in two years, not in even twenty years.  We carry it with us til we are joined with that child again.  Come to think of it, I don't know yet if it ever ends.
So if you know a woman who has lost a child, let her know you think of her child with love.  Just as seeing our living children get love and praise fills any mothers heart with joy, your little moment of acknowledgement is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.