SUPPORT GROUPS

When Andy first passed I sought out a number of different online support groups mostly because I had the need to know if what I was feeling was normal.  The loss of a child is so overwhelming.  It turns one's world upside down and nothing seems real.  I just wanted to know that others were also experiencing what I was.  However at that time I did not want to talk.  Most likely because I couldn't.  To say much more than how agonizing it was would be to acknowledge what was unacceptable to my heart and brain at that time.

Over time living without my son has not got much easier, I will not lie.  But one must learn to accept what is, if one is to go on living.  We just have no other choice.  The pain is still so very real and all too often very raw but now we are much more aware of it and we have no other choice but to find ways to live with this pain.  I often compare it to having a huge hole in my heart, over time I'm learning to plant flowers around that hole to make it more peaceful to visit.  Those flowers are the wonderful memories I carry with me of my son's life.  I am planting them in such a way as to try and hide the hole as much as possible but make no mistake, that hole is still there! 

I'm coming to recognize a new purpose for support groups and possibly a more meaningful purpose .  Now I could be wrong, this stage is new to me but I suspect that new and possibly life long friendships will come to bloom from some of the support groups now as I come to depend on them for that one place where I can still go to release my feelings that will always remain with me.  Unlike any other grief, the loss of a child is one that never goes away.  It seems many of us carry with us to some degree a need to speak of our angels and "nurture" them in some way.  Support groups such as Compassionate Friends and others offer that opportunity.  We can show pictures like other mom's show pictures of their living children, we can nurture by participating in candle lighting and balloon releases and other events that allow us to still feel involved in some way in our child's "life" and we have the chance to build friendships with other parents who understand these needs and feelings because they have them too, something that only a grieving parent can understand.

I've noticed that it's fairly common for grieving mothers to join a group then need to back off for a time then many find their way back.  I suspect that this could be why.  Perhaps we back off during that painful period when we are facing the reality of acceptance? 

As I said, I'm still learning, this is always a growing new "normal" for me which I am simply sharing my thoughts along the way.  But it's just a hunch that support groups can offer a nice soft place to rest once that painful reality of acceptance has been faced.  A place where they understand.