NOTHING BUT RERUNS...

 

I fight back the nausea as it hits me harder.  While going thru the old photo's of you and missing you til I feel like I can't stand it any more it hits me, there will never be any more new pictures of you.  I can keep putting together my little home video slides but others are going to get tired of seeing the same pictures over and over all the time like a broken record.  But that's all I have now of you-reruns.

 

Every nerve in my body feels like it's been dipped in hot acid then put back in my body.  I've been fighting throwing up all week.  I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep this week away.  But that's proving to be impossible.

 

I've figured out something too.  I've figured out why the divorce rate is so high after the loss of a child.  People simply are not good at being needed emotionally.  Most people in our society can't handle being needed THAT much emotionally.  It doesn't "feel"

 comfortable let alone rewarding to most people.  Rather it feels demanding and vulnerable and revealing ...all things that could make a relationship stronger but are very hard to break down.  Also we  all tend to grieve differently.  A person's grief is as unique as the relationship the person had with the deceased.  So what is extremely important to one might seem downright senseless to the other

 

Then I think how sad it is the lessons I am learning thru this.  I think that's why I love my long distance cycling so much, the kindness and compassion I see from people when riding seems to offset the coldness I see in people when facing the grief of losing Andy.  People do want to give.  People do long to make a connection with others but when they are faced with the deep agonizing pain of grief they don't know what to .do, and are afraid of upsetting the person more.  Which unfortunately leaves a person who is mourning the loss of a child very alone when they need support the most.

 

Two years ago today my world turned upside down.  I've been trying and trying to recall my last conversations with Andy and for the life of me I can't.  What I cannot get out of my head though is the picture of him lying on the end of his bed so cold and lifeless or the smell.  My head and my heart scream loudly NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My son can't be gone!  I still cannot accept that.  Somebody is going to fix this mistake and he is going to come home and life is going to return to normal again.  It has to!

IT HAS TO!

 

I MISS MY SON!

Why I grieve

I just read a very touching post from a friend,  remembering his late mother beautifully on her angelversarrry today and it helped me put into perspective (at least for the moment) why I hurt so badly.  People often seem to feel the need to remind me that Andy is "In a better place" which makes me feel guilty for the pain I feel.  I should be happy for him right?  But I don't grieve for him.  He IS in a better place and I do believe he feels no sadness, no tears, no pain.  So why am I hurting so bad?  It's like he left this huge hole, a hole that I used to pour all the love I had for him into and now it just spills into ....nothing.  Maybe that's why so many of us feel the very strong need to DO SOMETHING in memory of our child/loved one?  We need to direct that love to something concrete and tangible.  We NEED to feel them receive it.  Especially as mothers/parents it's particularly hard because we love constantly and unconditionally and are bonded to for all of OUR lives  Grief is love with no place to go?

Andrew "Andy" James Hensley - Homepage

Andrew "Andy" James Hensley - Homepage  This is a link to a memorial page I've had up since shortly after Andy passed.  Please take some time to visit, add your memories, pictures, thoughts...please remember him. :(  Two years the end of this month.  He should be here with us today.  Things shouldn't be this way.  Now all I can do is ask that you don't forget him...