Choices

When I decided to write this I couldn't decide at first whether to put it in this blog or in my TRAVELING ON ANGEL'S WINGS blog because I realized that I do have other reasons for needing to make that ride-I need to see that there is still goodness out there and I want to be an example of what I hope I have taught my children "Be the change you want to see in the world". It is because of the latter and because it affects so many children that I chose to put it here. With all the rapid "progress" I personally don't believe most people are seeing the elephant in the room these days. We have got to the point of pass the buck so bad that we blame objects, things of our own creation for the bad things that are happening. At the risk of sounding as harsh as the majority who claim to be humanitarians yet leave the human race completely out of the equation I'm going to give you some examples: 1) Right now our government is debating the question of whether to revoke our constitutional right to bear arms due to the recent outbreak of mass shootings and I'll add wanting to be more lenient on illegal immigration into our country from a country over run with violence. Let me point out to you that the shooters in these horrible acts of violence were NOT gun owners. They plotted their acts and procured their guns via illegal means. Taking away the legal trade of gun sales and ownership would not have changed the outcome in these incidents. They were going to do what they were going to do and if not with guns then they would have found another way, perhaps a more lethal way who knows? And isn't it a bit more logical to crack down harder on a known violent countries immigrants to the point where we know that only those with no known history of violence are entering our borders? (I realize that is just touching the tip of the immigration iceberg) I grew up in a house with guns that were kept on a gun rack right out in the open in the family room and I would never have thought of doing such a thing. So I ask myself why? What is the difference between them and me? 2)Traditional family values/traditional family I had a mom who stayed home and saw her job of raising us 5 kids as important. I had a place to fall, someone to catch me. Today IF a household has both parents both usually work. So many kids basically raise themselves. Kids need that place to fall. Further people don't seem to truly love their kids. Boys help make babies but they don't stick around to help raise them. Couple divorce way to easily creating lies in their heads to make themselves feel better about it when it comes to the kids "Kids adapt easily" "It's better for them than to see us fighting all the time" Well hear me on this and hear me clearly YOU TWO ADULTS ALLOWED THE RIFT BETWEEN YOU. IT IS YOUR PROBLEM NOT YOUR KIDS. YOU ADAPT! AND IF SOMEBODY HAS TO SUFFER DUE TO YUR MISTAKES WHY SHOULD IT BE YOUR KIDS? WHY SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE TO EITHER WORK THINGS OUT OR SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT AS LONG AS THERE ISN'T ABUSE INVOLVED? AFTERALL IT'S NOT THE KIDS MISTAKE. It's that dealing with those rough times that makes for true love that lasts in the long run if you want to know a secret..and you are not always going to like each other that's why we make the promise "through good times and bad" when we are at our happiest. Also included in this are those people who put money and "things" above their kids claiming "it's for the kids" when what they are really doing is robbing their children of that place to fall in order to have an excess of "things" that are not necessary. And last in this point families no longer find it their responsibility to take care of their family. I'm talking extended family. Not so long ago and still in many other countries with lower divorce rates extended families help each other, often even living together feeding into the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" 3) Value of relationship and the person is disappearing rapidly. If you are a Christian the Bible tells us from beginning to end that we are created to help and love one another. Yet some Christians will tell people that God wants us to rely only on Him. I often wonder if these people have ever picked up and actually read a Bible? We are not to judge others just love them and help them..even our enemies and nonbelievers. We are to "weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice". Today what do you hear? "I've got my own problems to worry about" "I don't want any more drama in my life" "It's not MY problem" "He/she has too much baggage" "This should be an equal partnership" "Too needy" "You need to learn to do it for yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you." INDEPENDENCE parents even wash their hands of their kids as soon as legally possible...that parental love bond is disappearing and when that's gone..I'm not sure there is any hope left. Since losing Andy I've noticed how for most life goes on as normal...as if he never existed and it occurred to me how even grieving has changed. Not so long ago a family was EXPECTED to grieve for a prolonged period of time during which friends or servants (who dressed to sow their mourning as well) took care of them and it was taboo for them not too. And that time was indefinite when the loss was a child. Now employers don't even allow enough time off to make arrangements and have the services let alone handle all the business that comes with losing a family member and then having time to grieve. Some people think families should "get over it and move on" very quickly..which if they had ever experienced a deep loving relationship they should be able to understand that is impossible. And that brings me to my last point and it's many tangents. People used to show respect for the dead and their family. It was considered wrong to speak ill of the dead. I can't tell you how many rumors I've heard being spread about how my Andy died all because it involved pain medication. These people don't know the truth and they are destroying a young man's reputation who is no longer here to defend himself. But they do this to people who are alive as well. The mere mention of a potentially addictive medication leads our society in general to label anyone taking one of those medications as "an addict". "just say no" has done so much more harm than good. I'm not saying there isn't a problem but the answer we've adopted has destroyed lives as much if not more than the drugs. What is needed is straight forward honest and detailed education about these medications and let me tell you, you won't get it even from many doctors. Even specialists in the area are lacking. If they weren't Andy would still be with us today. First of all, when you truly need a pain medication for example, you do not get a buzz or high from it. If you do then it's time to cut back because THAT is when you risk addiction and it's true addiction is hell to beat. They need to know how different drugs work in the body..how some are not felt instantly and if you keep taking more you will die. They need to know dosage is very important because your body produces it's own natural pain relief just sometimes it doesn'[ produce enough and taking them when you don't need the can put too much in your body, it can cause your body to stop producing what you need, and it effects the chemicals in the brain making it difficult for you to experience joy..which is often the cause of addicts going for that bigger high or stronger drug. And while I'm at it, ask yourself this-Why do we automatically consider addicts "criminals"?? They are usually victims way or another who need help but when society labels them a criminal or social deviant and all the stigma that goes with that we make it next to impossible for them to get the help they need. Andy was terrified of talking to his doctor about his symptoms with his medication because with a previous pain management doctor I questioned why he would switch him to a much stronger benzo that had him non functional even sitting, that had was less of a muscle relaxer which was what he was taking it for (back spasms), and had a much higher street value putting us at a higher risk to be broken into. His response "I wasn't aware you were concerned about him selling his medication." Excuse my language but WTF?! I never said anything about that! I was concerned because the only way it controlled his spasms was by drugging him up so badly he would nod off in mid text to friends and his gf! It made no logical sense. (part of why we left that doctor...which gets you accused of "doctor shopping". I don't know why that is a bad thing?) Anther time he had just had a procedure which to put simply is basically spinal tap that leaked. His neurologist at the time told me to take him back to the ER at that hospital which I did. That ER doctor made things incredibly worse. He wouldn't listen to any of us, wouldn't call radiology or the neurologist. He had him sitting up, standing, trying to walk, bend etc..constantly insisting that he was just there for drugs. Why? Because he was a teenage boy who happened to come in on a Friday evening. That's all. That cost Andy a week of the worst spinal headache ever and when they eventually had to do a blood patch (also very painful) the doctor who performed it told me that Andy had the worst leak he had EVER seen. Had I not been more worried about my son than anything That man would have found himself in court! The point is that doctor made a choice a prejudicial choice that caused harm to my son. As did the other pain management doctor and another which caused great distrust in doctors and hopelessness of ever being healed. People, even people he thought were friends spoke about him as if he were an addict and that was why he died. Perhaps if they had bothered to visit through al of this maybe they would have known the truth? But I guess they only liked him when he could go do things...fair weathered friends. Perhaps if we made the choice to practice what Jesus taught Love God above all and love they neighbor as thy self, care for our sick, widowed and elderly. Treat women gently (as the weaker vessel) and value relationship (If you need me to give examples on that I will), stop judging and "hold coals over wrong doers head" by treating them with excess kindness. Maybe if we made those choices progress wouldn't be so bad. Just a thought.

One Last Goodbye

At this time last year I was getting ready to go see your face for the last time ever on this Earth.  I would touch you one last time and watch them close the casket that said "I'm going home" fittingly and your brothers fighting back their own tears, carry you to the hearse then into the mausoleum as your final words were read.  And then we watched over you as they placed you gently into your body into it's tomb.

This is still available only to my brain and shut off to my heart.  My heart still cannot accept that that day has taken place. Perhaps because I split in two and one of me is with you. I love you my son and you are and always will be part of me.