1 YEAR AGO/ GOD'S WORD

This moment should not be.  I'm begging you Lord, please let me go back to this exact time one year ago with the knowledge I have now? If not that may I please have at least the opportunity to spend a little time with him to hug him and say goodbye for now?  And hear him say "Bye mom, I'll see you in time.  I love you."  Yes I have so many questions but when it comes down to it I just want my son back or at very least the chance to say goodbye, not in some letter to nowhere, or thin air or a make believe person in a chair or a picture of him but ANDY!  The young man I gave birth to and loved and cared for 21 years.  Is that not fair and just?

I prayed and asked at the cemetery but he did not come.  I ASKED!  I called for him but he did not come.  I listened for him but he did not come.  I WAITED!  Did I not wait long enough?

I'm ashamed to write what I'm feeling and thinking.  When I started this open journal though I told myself that  I would be right straight forward with everything I experience.  Now I'm questioning my decision as well as my character!  Some of you will confirm that I am crazy while others will judge me a horrible person who couldn't possibly be a christian. Okay here it goes...

Although I don't attend a church I have a very strong relationship with Christ.  Asking if I am a believer is like  asking me if I believe my husband exists?  Duh..and when I have felt I could trust nobody else I ALWAYS trusted Jesus.  So when we found Andy my instinct was to go to Jesus and I've begged for the same gift He gave Mary and Martha (He brought Lazarus back from the dead).  God says "Ask and you shall receive".  I ASKED!  I have asked from the very beginning with complete and utter faith!  God is a God of Love, fair and just, compassionate.  Where is there any of that in this situation?????  I wonder what it's like when we die and become one with you?  Because I have to wonder if having come here on Earth as a man, thus having never carried a living being inside of your own body FEELING IT as it grows from mere cells to a tiny little person who then exits your body and you feed it and nurture it WITH YOUR BODY as it grows into a completely amazing unique individual ...I wonder if you know what this is like for us Mom's who have had to face losing our children?  With all due respect Father I am not sure you would have the same perspective and I'm telling you it's too hard to bear!

Now I'm thinking "Should I word that more politely?" like God doesn't know what I'm thinking?  I'd only be hiding it from any of you who chose to read this.  Do I have the right to be angry with God?  I don't know, can't help it, I am.  I feel like He has gone back on His promise and that hurts.  I cannot imagine not trusting God.  I don't even want to go there.

I would LOVE some input here.  The problem is, or might be, you don't know ME.  I know this because of my friends and family I do see I might see them 1-3 times a year and that's not enough to really KNOW ME.  Now if you have some ideas that only involve God's word/nature then please help me?

I'm not asking this lightly.  My relationship with Jesus has been my foundation and at the very worst time ever  I feel like there are cracks in the foundation and I feel like I'm about to unravel.

OPEN ENDED MYSTERY

I see babies being born and I see you

I see toddler’s eyes wide with wonder and I think of you

I see young mothers preparing for their child’s first day of school

And I remember yours.  I don’t know who was more nervous me or you.

So many of us look back on our school days

And the relationships we form

As the best years of our lives.

I’m grateful that at least you had those.

It’s there my life turns upside down…

I see your friends starting their adult lives

But you will be forever young

I see them starting their families

I’ll never share that with you.

I’ll never see the look on your face

As you see your beautiful bride

Walk down the aisle to join your side for life

I’ll never see you start you first home with your new wife.

I’ll never see the wonder in your eyes

When you hear your first born baby cry

Or hold your children in my arms

As I see a little bit of you staring back at me.

No instead I’m left to wonder who you would be.

You were taken much too young

Like one of those movies

Where the ending is left an open mystery.

 



January 22, 2013

SEEING

As I watched the video of Steven Curtis Chapman
Tell the story of his family’s tragedy.
I felt God take my hand
And whisper softly “Now do you see?”

“The pain you feel inside
Is also inside me
There are just some things I agreed to 
Allow to be.”

“But this I promise you  my little one
In this try and find peace
You can take comfort
Your son has come home, he is with me.”

“He’s enjoying The company
Of your Mom and Dad
And Brother
And ME!”

“And this I promise you too
You’re closer to your son now
Than you ever were before
For he is within me now a
And I dwell within you.”

“So next time you feel sorrow
Remember you’re never alone
Together we are watching over you
Until the day I too call you home.”