January 21...Breath...
I wish I could just somehow skip the rest of this month. January 25, my brother's angelversarry then the 30th. Two of the worst days in my life. Two days that turned my world upside down. When Jerry was killed I didn't think I could feel worse. Boy was I wrong!
Breath..
How does a mother get through the anniversary of her child's death? Not to sound like a broken record but our society forces us to separate ourselves from most everyone we know/knew if we are in mourning because "it"/"they" put constraints or time limits to what THEY believe is appropriate periods of mourning and if you are "over" your loved one's death by then, well then you are being "selfish" or you have issues. Of course none of these people have ever lost anyone close to them let alone a child but why should that make any difference?
Breath...
I'm sorry. It just REALLY bothers me that people would try to impose their own personal time constraints on anyone who is suffering such great emotional loss. What gives them the right?
Saturday, May 28, 2022
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
PICTURES
Well, this Saturday it will be four years since God called you home and as I look at your pictures it still seems unreal to me. Today I made yet another one of my stupid memorial video's for you. Yes, I realize they are probably more for me. I'm terrified inside because every time I look through your pictures it hits me harder-there's nothing new. Each time these old photos become more and more familiar. I cherish them yes, of course, without out a doubt! But oh how I want so badly to see something new, something just taken of you.
I want to look back at your college days. You're silly antics. The friends you made. And...graduation day. I want to listen to you recall the memories made and stored within each and every one. I want more memories of you, my son.
Looking at your smiling face, every time I wonder WHY? Four years passed and still I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I want o look at your wedding album and say over and over what a handsome groom your made! And oh how we danced! Look at you looking at your blushing bride! And drank champagne. And hear about your honeymoon and how neither of you can wait to go back again! God, I want more memories of my son!
Looking at your smiling face I think "This can't be! He was so ALIVE!" Not many cherish life and live it to the fullest like you did! No! Four years gone and I still can't say goodbye.
I want to remember how you told me I was going to be a Grandmother, the first ...and the second time! Look at the pictures and recall how she felt so big but looked so small. Pregnancy became her. and look at you! Look at the face when you had not one but two! And look at them! Nana's perfect bundles of joy! One for each arm...YOUR girl and your boy! Remember how she swore that was it, no more! Oh but look at her now...that smile on her face after telling you that you you were going to need to find a bigger place. Baby three would soon be on it's way. I took that picture watching you watch your children play.
But these are it. They're all I have. No new pictures will I ever add. Still, I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
PAPER MEMORIES
Holding on to paper memories
remembering details of that day
little did we know then
how soon God would take you away.
The future has become an enemy
the past a beloved friend
holding on to paper memories
WHY did it have to end?
Help me now!
What do I do?
If I don't live in the past
I don't live with you
I do not want to move on
the past my heart forever holds
in the past my heart was happy and whole
like in the paper memories I hold...
Thursday, August 6, 2015
August 6, 2015
Any more when I sit down at this keyboard I'm flooded with memories. When I try to find the words to begin let alone a topic, the words just don't come. Do I miss my son? Every minute of every day. That deep longing ache is still ever present as well. So much has changed.
Have I gained any words of wisdom? I can tell you some things I've learned but ultimately we all just want to know WHY? and HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS? I have my theories on the first but that's all they are-theories. Does it really matter though? Or is that question merely eating you up inside?. As for the second? You do what you have to do to keep your head above water every minute of every day until that day comes when it becomes habit to live again. Don't try to rush yourself because guess what? You can't. Your relationships will change and you will lose people you never thought would walk away. BUT some relationships will grow stronger than you ever imagined they could. AND you'll make new ones. These are all I can assure you. Beyond that our walks are all unique...some choose to return to work and stay occupied there while others need a leave of absence to process and redefine all that "is" in their lives, Some need lots of people around while others need more solitude. Some cry a lot while others might seem almost stoic. The point is there is not a right or wrong way to grieve the loss of your child....you just have to keep your head above water, And when all those people are trying to tell you how you should "be", step back and ask yourself one question...have they been through it? Chances are highly likely they haven't, so how would they know what is best?????
You'll survive. We'll get through this together. Just have to keep your head above water and learn to surf those waves...
Have I gained any words of wisdom? I can tell you some things I've learned but ultimately we all just want to know WHY? and HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS? I have my theories on the first but that's all they are-theories. Does it really matter though? Or is that question merely eating you up inside?. As for the second? You do what you have to do to keep your head above water every minute of every day until that day comes when it becomes habit to live again. Don't try to rush yourself because guess what? You can't. Your relationships will change and you will lose people you never thought would walk away. BUT some relationships will grow stronger than you ever imagined they could. AND you'll make new ones. These are all I can assure you. Beyond that our walks are all unique...some choose to return to work and stay occupied there while others need a leave of absence to process and redefine all that "is" in their lives, Some need lots of people around while others need more solitude. Some cry a lot while others might seem almost stoic. The point is there is not a right or wrong way to grieve the loss of your child....you just have to keep your head above water, And when all those people are trying to tell you how you should "be", step back and ask yourself one question...have they been through it? Chances are highly likely they haven't, so how would they know what is best?????
You'll survive. We'll get through this together. Just have to keep your head above water and learn to surf those waves...
Friday, May 1, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
What can I say Boo that hasn't been said? I was here for your 24th year and you weren't. Its not right. It hasn't been since that first January night and well, I'm faithful that one day I'll understand. As I'm sure you already do.
Ahh, Boo things just keep going from bad to worse. I need my voice of reason. I promised you that since you were called home too soon that I would get out there and live more for you. And I was! You know I was! So why this? Why now? God I am so understanding the book of Job more and more clearly week by week. I also understand how you felt. I've all but lost most any faith I had in doctors. We're to trust someone with our lives who won't LISTEN to and trust us when its OUR BODIES and OUR LIVES. Really? I am so sorry I poo pooed your feelings about that. I just had an impossible time believing that but you were right.
God how I wish I could hear that "I told you so" chuckle and whatever smart remark you came up with. I do miss you more than you could imagine.
Happy Birthday Baby...I love you always and forever....Mom
Ahh, Boo things just keep going from bad to worse. I need my voice of reason. I promised you that since you were called home too soon that I would get out there and live more for you. And I was! You know I was! So why this? Why now? God I am so understanding the book of Job more and more clearly week by week. I also understand how you felt. I've all but lost most any faith I had in doctors. We're to trust someone with our lives who won't LISTEN to and trust us when its OUR BODIES and OUR LIVES. Really? I am so sorry I poo pooed your feelings about that. I just had an impossible time believing that but you were right.
God how I wish I could hear that "I told you so" chuckle and whatever smart remark you came up with. I do miss you more than you could imagine.
Happy Birthday Baby...I love you always and forever....Mom
Friday, February 6, 2015
DEAR MR PRESIDENT
DEAR MR PRESIDENT,
I only just had the opportunity to watch your speech at the National Prayer Breakfast and as an American and Christian I'm greatly upset. Mr. President while I whole heartedly agree with you that we should all be respectful of each others right to believe however they choose. I know there are good people of most every faith. As a matter of fact ISIS beheaded a young Islamic man from here in Indiana! This reason sir is why I take such issue with your speech. Why would you aid ISIS in making their clearly terrorist agenda appear to be a religious one? This has nothing to do with Christians or Muslims, Jews or Buddhists, or any other religion. Sir this has to do with human beings being taken, tortured and killed and they need to be stopped. We have defended so many others sir. In this cause you would be defending humans period, Americans, Jordanians, Japanese....humans. Why are you spending time stirring up strife between the faiths in our country rather than getting off your haunches and doing something?
Sincerely,
A Grieving Mother
I only just had the opportunity to watch your speech at the National Prayer Breakfast and as an American and Christian I'm greatly upset. Mr. President while I whole heartedly agree with you that we should all be respectful of each others right to believe however they choose. I know there are good people of most every faith. As a matter of fact ISIS beheaded a young Islamic man from here in Indiana! This reason sir is why I take such issue with your speech. Why would you aid ISIS in making their clearly terrorist agenda appear to be a religious one? This has nothing to do with Christians or Muslims, Jews or Buddhists, or any other religion. Sir this has to do with human beings being taken, tortured and killed and they need to be stopped. We have defended so many others sir. In this cause you would be defending humans period, Americans, Jordanians, Japanese....humans. Why are you spending time stirring up strife between the faiths in our country rather than getting off your haunches and doing something?
Sincerely,
A Grieving Mother
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