CELEBRATE? NEW YEARS EVE 2012

 

How ironic,  I'm sitting on a balcony overlooking the ocean.  My favorite place in the world to be and a place known for it's beautiful sunsets yet this evening the sunset is clouded over.  I can't see the sun.  Just like my heart is missing my own son.  I'm thinking about last year and how I had no idea that in just 29 short days I would never see my son again.  Oh how I wish instead of going forward and ringing in a new year we could go in reverse!  Why can't we go in reverse just this one time?

 

I should be happy to say goodbye to 2012.  It was such a horrible year and in many ways I am.   Except for one- 2012 holds in it the very last days I spent with Andy and I never want to say goodbye to him or those days.  I want to literally see his smile again and not just in a picture or in my head.  I want to hear his voice and not just in a recording or in my head.  I want my life back to NORMAL and 2013 holds nothing normal about it for me at all.  So  I'm holding on as tight as I can to these last few hours yet they are still slipping through my grasp like a ghost.

 

My heart and head still cannot accept that he is gone.  I have my moments, like the waves crashing on the shore below me...do they have any idea that soon they are going to hit the beach and no longer be their former selves?  The sea will suck them back out and do whatever  it has planned for them leaving just a fleeting memory of some crushed shells to remind us they were once here.

 

Like those waves I have no idea what lies ahead and it's scary.  To have traveled so far for so long as things were just to crash and it all be gone in an instant.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  What or who I will be or if I will even "be" remains the nightmare that awaits me in 2013. 

 

I also know that I no longer have just one "New Years".   January 30th will forever be the day my life changed forever and thus my 2nd and worst "new years day".  So tonight I'm going to TRY to get dressed and go with my husband and daughter down to the pier for the "celebration" because what lies ahead with the coming 2nd new year is without a doubt NOT going to be anything like tonight.  Tonight I'm going to try and celebrate the family I do still have here with me.

 

My prayers go out to all of the other grieving parents facing the same heartbreak tonight...be it your first or your 31rst.  I know the pain never goes away. God Bless you and Comfort you....Til we see them again. 

 



INNOCENCE LOST

This morning probably started out like any other morning just a little over a week before Christmas for the families of children attending Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn.  Most likely their morning chatter included at least something about their Christmas wish list and Santa as they tried to stay on their very best behavior just in case he might be watching.

I doubt that any of those parents thought even in their wildest dreams as they said goodbye to their children this morning that it would be their last goodbye for 20 of those students and their parents.  Mere kindergartners.  But tonight the parents of 20 children from Sandy Hook Elementary joined our horrible group.  Tonight the parents of 20 children are sitting at home numb yet not nearly numb enough, still trying to grasp the events that turned their world forever upside down today. " IS THIS REAL?" running through many of their minds.  "THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL"  Staring at their Christmas tree and the presents under it thinking his or her presents are right there!  He/she will come home any time now.  Hoping and praying that their beloved child somehow was hiding or got away and just has been too scared to come out of  hiding.  That has to be it!  Of course he will be home to open his Transformer Figures he wanted so badly on Christmas Morning!  This simply can't be real.  There will be no sleep for those parents tonight or for many nights to come.

How and when does their anguish end?  I only wish I knew.  I know their gut wrenching pain all to well though.  Tonight I'm sure that it doesn't take having lost a child to join them in asking "why?"  A question to which we will likely never know the answer.  What could upset this young man so greatly to do such a horrendous thing?  Why the children?  Why did he have to shoot the children?  Let's us not forget he was not long from a child himself!  What could have happened in this young man's life that could cause such anger and or pain to lead him to take 28 lives including his own before 9:30am?

How will this effect this town?  I hope they realize that the one blessing they have in all of this is each other.  Although at the moment I'm sure that is of no consolation and might even sound callus but in time they will come to see the true blessing in it, because nobody else can honestly understand (Thank God) what they're going through except those who are also going through it.  That's not to say that other's cannot be caring, understanding and supportive, just that the pain is so unique and deep that they can only help so much.

My suggestion is, if you want to help, let these families know you care.  Do NOT allow this incident to become the platform for a political agenda or a media circus.  As much as we'd love to know every little detail and see into the lives of these families please give them their space to grieve in peace.  If they want to talk they will talk.  Consider a fund for any families who might not have had life insurance on their child(ren) so they can have the peace of giving their child a grand and proper burial.  And pray.  Pray for them, their community and our society that could let such hurt and anger brew to such a boiling point as it did today, right under their noses.  How might things have been totally different if someone at the right time had taken notice and cared to ask the shooter "Is something wrong?" before he picked up and loaded those guns?

We were created for companionship yet what does our society put value on?  Independence.  Most barely have time to manage their own let alone bother with someone outside their immediate family.  And apparently the majority of Americans would rather hand their money over to the government to decide who and how to help instead of having to face and deal with the needy themselves.  As long as we continue down this path incidents like today are only going to continue to rise.  The change must come from within each and every one of us.  I'll leave you tonight with the so very true famous words "BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD"  GOD BLESS....

THOUGHTS 2

My thoughts have been side tracked lately, as a young man I've come to  know over the past few months who's name happens to be Andrew just lost his last surviving parent.  (PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS) Don't think I didn't notice the irony that in the same year I lost my Andrew and Andrew lost his parents.  He's younger than my Andy,  in between Andy and Cat in age.  I can't imagine what he must be going through.  Yes, I've lost both of my parents, a brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and obviously my son but to be on your own at 19?  I've tried reaching out to him yet of all the kids I have who call me "mom" , who come in and out my door still.  Of all the kids who will ALWAYS have a home with me and know that, This one in particular always feels he's "imposing".  I keep praying God will show him differently.

I have no idea how he is getting through these days right now.  I hope he isn't being taken advantage of or mislead in any way while making arrangements.  I know how confusing it was to me.  I don't think I could have done it alone at 24 with mom or at 34 with Dad.  There are things I wish I'd done different at 44 with Andy's.  I mean, here at a time when you least want to be making decisions like that, when your mind can't focus on anything you have to go  in and sit down and make $10,000 plus permanent final decisions for your loved one.

Just a note, if you are a parent no matter how young, make sure you have life insurance and a will with a guardian named for your child(ren).  Better yet you might want to do like my Dad did.  He avoided the inheritance tax by placing everything in our names long before he passed so we owned his house etc, we didn't "inherit" it.  He had pretty much all of his final arrangements taken care of.  We just had to pick out music and pictures and things like that. And what I think it the hardest of all, sort through a lifetime of memories.  I still haven't touched Andy's.  I can't.  I tried, just washing up his dirty laundry took me til this past month and wow did it throw me for a loop.  It felt NORMAL again!  But I knew it wasn't.  I felt like it was a normal weekend, he had come home from college and I was washing up his laundry for him and at any time he would come in and get it and say "Thanks mom" .  But the clothes just hung there until Derek moved them.  Andy never came in and got them and I never heard "Thanks mom".  We didn't eat chili and watch the Colt's play then I didn't take him back to Crawfordsville.  The clothes just hung there and I cried.  Pictures of him wearing them flashed before me.  I could tell you exactly what occasion he would wear which outfit for, which one's were his favorites, even which one's I personally didn't care for on him.  Oh how I wish I could see him walking in right now in one of those so I could think "Ya know that really doesn't bring out your better qualities" but keep it to myself.

I still find myself thinking all the time "how can you be gone?"  "It can't be real" Then sometimes  I feel as if I'm losing my mind, not even sure what is and isn't real.  How can my beautiful boy be gone?  It's as if it's a cruel joke and I want it to be over!  "Come out now!" I want to scream!  "This isn't funny!  Come out right now!"

I want to go back to a year and a half ago before he ever was put on that patch with what I know now!!!!  I think I can't get over this one particular mountain-Andy's death could have been prevented.  If he had not been on that blasted patch he would still be here today.  So SOMEBODY  is to blame for his death!  And as I see it that falls on those he trusted his life to-His doctor and me.  No lawyer will touch the case.  One told me that "all the information that you have told us that the doctor failed to tell you is in the package insert.  They will simply say you should have read it."  So in other words it doesn't matter what the professional who is paid hundreds of dollars tells you, even with doctor's "Let the buyer beware".  It's MY fault my son is dead.  I DID ask questions mind you.  But I asked the doctor.  Good Lord I even recommended this man to others!  He was kind and compassionate, a Christian.  He made us feel very comfortable and like we could trust him.  Further he was really the only doctor around who did actually help Andy.  There are some truly horrible pain management specialists around and not many to choose from in our area. This doctor was both pain management and a spine and neck injury specialist.  I blame the government as well.  Their handling of pain patients is so wrong.  They treat them automatically like criminals.  They put them in a position where they are afraid to be honest with their doctors because they are constantly being profiled and one wrong statement can get you profiled wrong as a user or abuser and you get cut off.  I know of one man who was in severe back pain.  He could not move and he kept telling his doctor that.  But back pain is one  they know so little about that many abusers will use that to get their drugs so his doctor wouldn't listen.  His son was desperate for some relief for him and was searching everywhere (yes illegally) for some pain medication to help his Dad.  To make this story short, eventually they DID discover his Dad had cancer.  He was put on the strongest of fentanyl patches and died less than three months later.

I have done my research now and a lot of it.  Let it come as no surprise to anyone that I intend to be a loud advocate for the legalization of marijuana and DMT.  Why our government has these illegal, well I can't say what I was going to say.  I know exactly why out government has them illegal, because they can't tax them and make a profit off of them.  One is a plant and the other is in nearly all living things as a naturally occurring compound.   Neither has negative side effects that can't be worked around.  Neither has ever caused a death due to overdose (You can't OD on them) in fact pot has a cannaboid in it that actually makes it impossible to OD on it, the same one that may be a cure for cancer!  Yet it's illegal.  It reduces inflammation, helps with pain even in opioid tolerant patients.  It is not physically addictive.  It helps with nausea and vomiting, seizures, epilepsy, and they have good reason to believe that it will be helpful in treating autoimmune diseases.  It helps increase appetite at first then eventually has components that help stabilize insulin production in the body, the cause of diabetes and thyroid disease (weight gain or sometimes loss), it's a natural anti-anxiety medication.  It's only negative is if you are bi-polar it can cause you to swing more rapidly.  It isn't for those with bi-polar disease.  They were concerned about the risk of increased cancer from smoking it but have found no evidence that that is the case.  

And DMT has cured people of long time heroine and alcohol addiction and depression with just one "Trip".  Scientists and "hippies" (I won't call them druggies because it's not your typical street drug) all refer to this as a spiritual awakening, not a "high".  They all say it's something you come out of as a better person.  SCIENTISTS say this.  DMT is the same compound that your brain releases when you enter REM sleep or the dream state.  Ironically it's illegal yet everyone of us carries it and uses it every night!  Again I ask why would our government want to keep this away from us?  With both of these, unlike the drugs they push on us whenever we go to the doctor.  Drugs with side effects that can be as harmful or worse than what they are being used to treat.  These two have none of that.  They are created by God.  Natural and healing and no bad side effects and if legal my son would be alive today.  Or if we had been willing to break the law but had we done that we could not have pursued the curing surgery needed.  You know that one that we never got because the insurance kept  wanting Andy to try the same thing over and over again all the while remaining on and building a tolerance to the narcotic pain meds at such a young age.

He had one doctor who was so bad.  He would have us sitting in his waiting room for hours, then more hours once we got back in a room.  He was rude and disrespectful to both Andy and me and he WAY over medicated him with drugs that didn't work other than knocking him out.  He couldn't even get through a text without nodding off!  So we left that doctor (and filed several complaints), next doctor had to perform a regular "surgery" it was an ultrasound guided injection on Andy.  Andy was running a fever of 101, having incredibly bad spasms and vomiting.  He couldn't stand on his own.  This doctor refused to sedate Andy for the procedure which is how it's suppose to be done and I could hear him yelling at him in his Indian accent to hold still and Andy in tears saying he was trying to.  They brought him back to his cubical and told him to get dressed and go.  I asked for a wheelchair and the nurse got rude with me and I had to argue to get one because he could not even stand.  They didn't give him anything for the pain or spasms on the ride home or any dismissal papers.  He felt much worse and when the hospital called for a follow up the nurse said "I can see that you are telling me the truth because #1 I would have been the one to sedate you and I know I wasn't called in and #2 I'm sitting here looking at the papers you should have been sent home with and I can see you should have never been given the procedure let alone sent home.  I will have to file a complaint on this doctor"  A short time later we received a letter saying that Andy was being let go due to them finding pot in his last drug test.  My husband and I were there for his last appointment and heard the doctor with our own ears go over his drug test and no pot was in his system.  He reported that out of spite.  Shortly after that we got a letter that he had been released from that clinic and would be happy to take Andy on as a patient at his new place of employment.   I think not!  Now we would get accused of "doctor shopping".  My question is why is that bad?  Anyway, we were very happy when we found Dr Kingma (his final PM doctor).  You can imagine why besides his kind and compassionate demeanor after these others he seemed like a saint!  I will say he even had the courtesy to call to offer his condolences.  Do I think he intentionally killed my son? No, not at all.  I actually think he is a very nice man.  But I don't think doctors are being as informed as they should be about fentanyl patches.  If they were I think they would only prescribe them to terminal cancer patients.  And I believe PM doctors would be or should be fighting for the legalization for at least medical marajuana.  That would have possibly cut out three medications Andy was taking that weren't working and helped with a few other symptoms that weren't being treated and he would still be alive!  As a side note:  Andy should have never been put on the fentanyl due to other conditions he had such as severe central sleep apnea especially combined with some of the other medications it was combined with.  We nearly lost him the previous August, after being on the patch less than a month, the same way and would have had his girlfriend from not been visting.

I look back at all the times we could have and nearly lost him sooner and I am so grateful but then I look at how easily his death could have been prevented and I am so angry.  It's not right and it's not fair.  How does a parent live with this?  Living without your child is impossible as it is..how do you live with knowing it could have been prevented?  That YOU could have prevented it?

SO THIS IS IT?

 

 

 

So this is it?

An entire life

summed up

in a few meager words

tucked away somewhere

lost in the middle

of the local newspaper.

So this is it?

Once a vibrant personality

now just a name etched

in stone.

That hardly shows any 'semblance

of the miracle that was you

or the relationship we knew

No passerby will ever know

what a name etched in stone

simply cannot show.

The son, the brother, the friend, the lover

The young man with ambition

yet not lacking compassion at all

It tells nothing about how I miss your voice

or your sweet contagious smile

Just merely there you were born

and you lived among us a while.

 



THOUGHTS Pt 1

With the Holidays upon us I feel as if I've regressed back to last February.  Everything is hitting me so strong.  Unfortunately I don't have shock to protect me other than the fugues are increasing.  Reality is staring me all to harshly in the face and I have the full knowledge that there is no escaping it.  My body is suffering from it more than ever now.  I thought this would come.  I'll deal with it.  There's no way I will put my life in a doctor's hands as a pain patient beyond what I already am.  I shouldn't have to explain why. 

I'm so tired of life always being about "just get through this day".  I was tired of that long ago but my kids were my light at the end of the tunnel then Andy gets taken away?  I started this blog for a couple of reasons.  One main one being because I had trouble finding out if what I was feeling was "normal".  On a lot of the forums and such when you're new you don't know what to ask, what to say or anyone to talk to.  You just want answers.  Answers you eventually find out aren't there other than that what you are going through is normal, losing a child is such if not the most extreme loss that there is no truly "normal" reaction so whatever gets you through it is "normal".  Further it seems you live the rest if your life finding ways to get you through it.  It's not a grief that eventually dissipates to bearable.  We live with a life of not only the loss and memories from the past but continuous moments throughout our lives which are "would have been" milestones for our child we lost.  All the dreams and goals they had and guessing would they have attained them at this point?  What would their life be like?  It's not the same as when an older person dies.  They've had the chance to accomplish their dreams and goals, maybe not all of them but reasonable time usually. (goodbye always comes too soon) but when a parent mourns their child they can't end because there truly is so much that they SHOULD have got to do.  Andy should have graduated from Wabash by now be starting his life, spreading his wings.  Who knows, maybe getting married?  He should have been making plans to come home for Christmas.

I tell you with complete confidence, parents take their time with their children for granted.  You can try and argue any case with me but I guarantee you that there isn't a parent in our society who if they lost a child tonight like I did wouldn't find so many times looking back that they wish they had spent more time with them, accepted them for who they are,  been more understanding or supportive, or something.  Even we stay at home mom's who devote our lives to our children find something.  Don't let people tell you that you are going to spoil your baby if you pick him/her up every time he/she cries!  You are telling your baby "I'm here for you" and you only have a very short time when you CAN pick your baby up like that and hold him in your arms.  Don't complain that your child talks too much!  You have no idea how much you will miss that voice chattering on when it's not there.  Next time you feel like a human ATM thank God for your "customers".  Cherish every milestone, every happy moment, every event, every chance you get to spend getting to know your child and build a closer relationship. 

I've also come to realize that we don't divide our hearts among our children.  We give our entire heart to each of our children.  Which puts some of us in a very confusing position.  Andy took my heart with him yet I have Caitlyn who holds my heart too.  I now understand all too well why when my brother was killed I felt as if I was suddenly thought of as more mature and left to handle more on my own.  I was 13 and went from being overly protected to a latchkey kid of sorts. I had mixed feelings about that then, mostly it was cool to a previously overly protected teenager.  That said a grieving 13 yr old who is ignorant of the true ways of the world doesn't always know what is best for her.  But now I understand what my parents were going through.  Jerry was the eldest boy and he had a heart of gold.  My parents cherished family.  My mom was a stay at home mom who raised 5 of us.  Yes, I can understand why they needed their time and a lot of it.  No parent is perfect but if I had to say where I thought my parents lacked that would not be anything to do with any reason and never would have.  Had it not happened my life might be very different today and in a much better way but it did and nobody was to blame.  Certainly not my parents.  What is the right answer?  Ideally there would be family and friends who step up and offer to take the other child(ren) or at home child for anything from a movie to weekend get-a-ways, just fixing dinner and sending it over or at least inviting the child(ren) over for dinner to give the parents alone time would make a huge difference.  IF they will go that is.

(to be cont)

THE SHACK

There is a book out called THE SHACK by William P Young.  It had been given to me by my Stepfather-In-Law but not having my reading glasses, I hadn't read it.  It had sat around for over a year until my daughter decided to read it for AR in school.  Never before has she wanted to read parts of a book to me so often as she did this book, more so than any of the Twilight series even.  I believe I know most of the book already just from her reading it to me but now I can't wait to read the entire book myself.

I've seen trailers for a movie based on the book on youtube.  I've also seen a couple pastors pretty upset about the book.  Going so far as to say it is heresy.  They claim the book was written to teach about the trinity and that it is very wrong.  I beg to differ with them.  I believe the book was written about the healing of a parent's broken heart who has lost a child and from what I've heard so far it's excellent.

Perhaps it threatens some pastor's jobs?  It does, I believe state, and I believe as well, that God hates religion.  "How could God hate religion?" I can hear some people now.  I have heard it many times. Well, think about it, has religion joined God's children together?  Or has religion divided God's children over doctrine?  If the answer were the first we wouldn't have so many battles over doctrine, we wouldn't have so many denominations and religions so it seems obvious that the answer is the latter.  Do you believe God would LIKE this?

They knit-pick over things like him initially presenting God as an older large black woman and Jesus and the Holy Spirit as equal.  And yes I say knit-pick.  Jesus taught in parables so that we might comprehend it better so why can they not see this as a parable of sorts?  In another great book HINDS FEET IN HIGH PLACES feelings are given human forms.  What would they say about that?  We all know that feelings don't have human form.  It's so that we can visualize and understand what is being told to us more clearly.  The last pastor I listened to likened the wife equally with the children, below the husband as the husband is below God.  Right here this pastor is wrong.  The wife is the husband's HELPMATE and COMPANION.    The husband is to be the leader yes, and his position holds great responsibility before God.  THAT is what the Church should be teaching!  Wives are to help their husbands (that's why we nag men!) we are to help them stay faithful to God, help them in their endeavors, encourage them to be their best, encourage them not to give up, to use the gifts God gave them, to nurture and to HELP THEM MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS.  My father always told me that women being the "weaker vessel" and husband's being told to "present their wives to God as pure.." meant that he was to put my mother on a high pedestal and treat her as a precious Ming Vase God entrusted to him to love, cherish and protect.  I personally think that a big part of our societies downfall is because not only have our families ventured away from teaching the proper roles God expects of us but our churches have too.  And when they do they teach "wives submit to your husbands" but they leave out "and husbands submit to your wives".  Like Christ is to God and the church is to Christ marriage is a representation of the two becoming one.  We are even taught that we are THE BODY of Christ and no one part is more important than another.  THAT my friends sums up  LOVE.  When you love someone they become as important if not more important than your own being.  Your happiness and well being depends on their happiness and well being.

Could it be that God presented Himself as "The Father" because He is the creator of all things...and as for humans,well we mothers are here on Earth. We give birth to those that God created so it makes sense He would present himself as "The Father" but does God really have any permanent form?  Are we not all created in His likeness?  Or could it be that like any good, loving parent God takes on the form that we need or will understand (If we would be so blessed that God would present Himself to us in human form...as in a vision not as in Jesus returning)?  I believe that Our Lord guides people to intervene in our lives when needed, sends angels in many different forms all the time, is always with us and on occasion even presents Himself to us.  It is for this reason we should not judge and we should always try to show kindness and compassion to others...you never know if that stranger who needed your help or who helped you today was sent by God or God Himself.  Did you show them kindness?  Or were you too busy and turn your back?

From what my daughter has read to me THE SHACK shows God's compassion and patience for grieving parents, even those who hold a great deal of anger for good reason.  Our heartbreak is so strong though, that sometimes it's hard to see the angels or even God when they're right here with us, seeing us through our nightmare.  If we hold on to our faith though God WILL see us through.  I'm not to that point yet but I will be.  One day, I will be.  Even if it's not until I am called home myself, I WILL be happy again one day.  For that I am eternally Thankful.

As I said, I've not read THE SHACK completely yet, but this is what I've taken from it so far.  I believe it is healing and a good book.  If by some chance, once I've read it through I feel differently I will let you know.  

MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.  MAY YOUR BURDENS BE LIGHTENED AND YOUR WORRIES BE LIFTED AND EACH TEAR WIPED AWAY.  MAY YOUR ANGELS WATCH OVER YOU AND YOURS AND GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO FACE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY...IN JESUS HOLY NAME...AMEN.

TIME

One of the hardest things for me is thinking how this time last year things were so different.  How we take "normal" for granted and how it can change so quickly and drastically.  This time last year I still had a chance to change things.  This time last year Andy and I argued quite a bit about him speaking up to his doctor about him not doing anything about his symptoms and all that was going on with him.  I didn't push hard enough.  I understood where he was coming from because we both had, Derek had, and we had just been written off..."it's just a virus that needs to run it's course" . I knew better!  No virus lasts for that many months!  But I understood how he felt.  Most of the journey had been full of insults, insinuations and like talking to brick walls at best so you do get to the point of "why bother?  They aren't going to do anything anyway."  When you cry out for help enough times and get no response you eventually figure you are on your own...that's how he felt.  I admit I was discouraged too.  I had my chance and I failed my son.

To top things off I spend his last Christmas running around trying to help make Christmas better for other people instead of spending it with my kids...my last chance to spend Christmas with my son.  We did spend Christmas together but still, I feel like I lost a lot of precious time.

The one thing I am thankful for is all the time I did spend with him in the hospital.  I'm not thankful he had to be in the hospital but that I was there, the entire time.  We had so many conversations and I will cherish those forever. 

Most of the time, I felt helpless.  I had ran out of ideas of where to turn.  Mom's are suppose to have the answers.  Mom's are suppose to make things all better.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  HE never made me feel that way but I felt that way.  That's the kind of person he was.  Always more worried abut others.  I remember one night finding him at the bottom of the stairs lying there just sobbing.  He couldn't make it up the stairs.  In his mind though he was thinking about how did I manage all these years?  I explained to him that I grew up with this more or less.  I never really knew much different.  Unlike him who had a great life with dreams and aspirations that were coming true and would come true.  I always was in survival mode...fighting and learning to adapt.  Then we talked about learning to adapt if things had to remain this way for much longer.  It seemed to help some but I don't know.  How can we ever really know what is going on in another's head if they don't tell us?  Some people wonder why I speak my feelings...this is why.  How can anyone know what you are truly feeling if you don't tell them?  Including when you are upset or angry...nobody can change anything if they don't know how you are feeling or if there is something you need from them.

I do NOT understand how the doctors who are paid big money to be responsible for our care and our loved one's care are not held responsible in cases like this?  This infuriates me!  HE WAS THE EXPERT!  WE TRUSTED HIM!  And I have heard from many others who have gone through the same thing...losing a child due to a doctor ignorant of how dangerous and potent fentanyl is.

My chances to change things ran out.  Now my son is gone.  Forever.  My life, my family will never be the same.  I will always feel that I failed him.  I will always think about how if only I had pushed the doctors harder, insisted, screamed til they listened.  Doctor's are not God even if so many seem to think that they are.  I wanted to take him down to a doctor in Atlanta who specialized in nothing but his kind of injury but we let his PM doctor talk us out of it..just less than a month before his death.  How might things be different today if I had just made the appointment and taken him down there?  When he was little and we lived in Indy, his first doctor always told me "YOU are his mother, you know him better than anyone else...trust your instincts...if you feel that something is wrong then something is wrong."  If only I had trusted my instincts...I wonder how different today would be?