With the Holidays upon us I feel as if I've regressed back to last February. Everything is hitting me so strong. Unfortunately I don't have shock to protect me other than the fugues are increasing. Reality is staring me all to harshly in the face and I have the full knowledge that there is no escaping it. My body is suffering from it more than ever now. I thought this would come. I'll deal with it. There's no way I will put my life in a doctor's hands as a pain patient beyond what I already am. I shouldn't have to explain why.
I'm so tired of life always being about "just get through this day". I was tired of that long ago but my kids were my light at the end of the tunnel then Andy gets taken away? I started this blog for a couple of reasons. One main one being because I had trouble finding out if what I was feeling was "normal". On a lot of the forums and such when you're new you don't know what to ask, what to say or anyone to talk to. You just want answers. Answers you eventually find out aren't there other than that what you are going through is normal, losing a child is such if not the most extreme loss that there is no truly "normal" reaction so whatever gets you through it is "normal". Further it seems you live the rest if your life finding ways to get you through it. It's not a grief that eventually dissipates to bearable. We live with a life of not only the loss and memories from the past but continuous moments throughout our lives which are "would have been" milestones for our child we lost. All the dreams and goals they had and guessing would they have attained them at this point? What would their life be like? It's not the same as when an older person dies. They've had the chance to accomplish their dreams and goals, maybe not all of them but reasonable time usually. (goodbye always comes too soon) but when a parent mourns their child they can't end because there truly is so much that they SHOULD have got to do. Andy should have graduated from Wabash by now be starting his life, spreading his wings. Who knows, maybe getting married? He should have been making plans to come home for Christmas.
I tell you with complete confidence, parents take their time with their children for granted. You can try and argue any case with me but I guarantee you that there isn't a parent in our society who if they lost a child tonight like I did wouldn't find so many times looking back that they wish they had spent more time with them, accepted them for who they are, been more understanding or supportive, or something. Even we stay at home mom's who devote our lives to our children find something. Don't let people tell you that you are going to spoil your baby if you pick him/her up every time he/she cries! You are telling your baby "I'm here for you" and you only have a very short time when you CAN pick your baby up like that and hold him in your arms. Don't complain that your child talks too much! You have no idea how much you will miss that voice chattering on when it's not there. Next time you feel like a human ATM thank God for your "customers". Cherish every milestone, every happy moment, every event, every chance you get to spend getting to know your child and build a closer relationship.
I've also come to realize that we don't divide our hearts among our children. We give our entire heart to each of our children. Which puts some of us in a very confusing position. Andy took my heart with him yet I have Caitlyn who holds my heart too. I now understand all too well why when my brother was killed I felt as if I was suddenly thought of as more mature and left to handle more on my own. I was 13 and went from being overly protected to a latchkey kid of sorts. I had mixed feelings about that then, mostly it was cool to a previously overly protected teenager. That said a grieving 13 yr old who is ignorant of the true ways of the world doesn't always know what is best for her. But now I understand what my parents were going through. Jerry was the eldest boy and he had a heart of gold. My parents cherished family. My mom was a stay at home mom who raised 5 of us. Yes, I can understand why they needed their time and a lot of it. No parent is perfect but if I had to say where I thought my parents lacked that would not be anything to do with any reason and never would have. Had it not happened my life might be very different today and in a much better way but it did and nobody was to blame. Certainly not my parents. What is the right answer? Ideally there would be family and friends who step up and offer to take the other child(ren) or at home child for anything from a movie to weekend get-a-ways, just fixing dinner and sending it over or at least inviting the child(ren) over for dinner to give the parents alone time would make a huge difference. IF they will go that is.
(to be cont)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
THE SHACK
There is a book out called THE SHACK by William P Young. It had been given to me by my Stepfather-In-Law but not having my reading glasses, I hadn't read it. It had sat around for over a year until my daughter decided to read it for AR in school. Never before has she wanted to read parts of a book to me so often as she did this book, more so than any of the Twilight series even. I believe I know most of the book already just from her reading it to me but now I can't wait to read the entire book myself.
I've seen trailers for a movie based on the book on youtube. I've also seen a couple pastors pretty upset about the book. Going so far as to say it is heresy. They claim the book was written to teach about the trinity and that it is very wrong. I beg to differ with them. I believe the book was written about the healing of a parent's broken heart who has lost a child and from what I've heard so far it's excellent.
Perhaps it threatens some pastor's jobs? It does, I believe state, and I believe as well, that God hates religion. "How could God hate religion?" I can hear some people now. I have heard it many times. Well, think about it, has religion joined God's children together? Or has religion divided God's children over doctrine? If the answer were the first we wouldn't have so many battles over doctrine, we wouldn't have so many denominations and religions so it seems obvious that the answer is the latter. Do you believe God would LIKE this?
They knit-pick over things like him initially presenting God as an older large black woman and Jesus and the Holy Spirit as equal. And yes I say knit-pick. Jesus taught in parables so that we might comprehend it better so why can they not see this as a parable of sorts? In another great book HINDS FEET IN HIGH PLACES feelings are given human forms. What would they say about that? We all know that feelings don't have human form. It's so that we can visualize and understand what is being told to us more clearly. The last pastor I listened to likened the wife equally with the children, below the husband as the husband is below God. Right here this pastor is wrong. The wife is the husband's HELPMATE and COMPANION. The husband is to be the leader yes, and his position holds great responsibility before God. THAT is what the Church should be teaching! Wives are to help their husbands (that's why we nag men!) we are to help them stay faithful to God, help them in their endeavors, encourage them to be their best, encourage them not to give up, to use the gifts God gave them, to nurture and to HELP THEM MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS. My father always told me that women being the "weaker vessel" and husband's being told to "present their wives to God as pure.." meant that he was to put my mother on a high pedestal and treat her as a precious Ming Vase God entrusted to him to love, cherish and protect. I personally think that a big part of our societies downfall is because not only have our families ventured away from teaching the proper roles God expects of us but our churches have too. And when they do they teach "wives submit to your husbands" but they leave out "and husbands submit to your wives". Like Christ is to God and the church is to Christ marriage is a representation of the two becoming one. We are even taught that we are THE BODY of Christ and no one part is more important than another. THAT my friends sums up LOVE. When you love someone they become as important if not more important than your own being. Your happiness and well being depends on their happiness and well being.
Could it be that God presented Himself as "The Father" because He is the creator of all things...and as for humans,well we mothers are here on Earth. We give birth to those that God created so it makes sense He would present himself as "The Father" but does God really have any permanent form? Are we not all created in His likeness? Or could it be that like any good, loving parent God takes on the form that we need or will understand (If we would be so blessed that God would present Himself to us in human form...as in a vision not as in Jesus returning)? I believe that Our Lord guides people to intervene in our lives when needed, sends angels in many different forms all the time, is always with us and on occasion even presents Himself to us. It is for this reason we should not judge and we should always try to show kindness and compassion to others...you never know if that stranger who needed your help or who helped you today was sent by God or God Himself. Did you show them kindness? Or were you too busy and turn your back?
From what my daughter has read to me THE SHACK shows God's compassion and patience for grieving parents, even those who hold a great deal of anger for good reason. Our heartbreak is so strong though, that sometimes it's hard to see the angels or even God when they're right here with us, seeing us through our nightmare. If we hold on to our faith though God WILL see us through. I'm not to that point yet but I will be. One day, I will be. Even if it's not until I am called home myself, I WILL be happy again one day. For that I am eternally Thankful.
As I said, I've not read THE SHACK completely yet, but this is what I've taken from it so far. I believe it is healing and a good book. If by some chance, once I've read it through I feel differently I will let you know.
MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU. MAY YOUR BURDENS BE LIGHTENED AND YOUR WORRIES BE LIFTED AND EACH TEAR WIPED AWAY. MAY YOUR ANGELS WATCH OVER YOU AND YOURS AND GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO FACE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY...IN JESUS HOLY NAME...AMEN.
I've seen trailers for a movie based on the book on youtube. I've also seen a couple pastors pretty upset about the book. Going so far as to say it is heresy. They claim the book was written to teach about the trinity and that it is very wrong. I beg to differ with them. I believe the book was written about the healing of a parent's broken heart who has lost a child and from what I've heard so far it's excellent.
Perhaps it threatens some pastor's jobs? It does, I believe state, and I believe as well, that God hates religion. "How could God hate religion?" I can hear some people now. I have heard it many times. Well, think about it, has religion joined God's children together? Or has religion divided God's children over doctrine? If the answer were the first we wouldn't have so many battles over doctrine, we wouldn't have so many denominations and religions so it seems obvious that the answer is the latter. Do you believe God would LIKE this?
They knit-pick over things like him initially presenting God as an older large black woman and Jesus and the Holy Spirit as equal. And yes I say knit-pick. Jesus taught in parables so that we might comprehend it better so why can they not see this as a parable of sorts? In another great book HINDS FEET IN HIGH PLACES feelings are given human forms. What would they say about that? We all know that feelings don't have human form. It's so that we can visualize and understand what is being told to us more clearly. The last pastor I listened to likened the wife equally with the children, below the husband as the husband is below God. Right here this pastor is wrong. The wife is the husband's HELPMATE and COMPANION. The husband is to be the leader yes, and his position holds great responsibility before God. THAT is what the Church should be teaching! Wives are to help their husbands (that's why we nag men!) we are to help them stay faithful to God, help them in their endeavors, encourage them to be their best, encourage them not to give up, to use the gifts God gave them, to nurture and to HELP THEM MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS. My father always told me that women being the "weaker vessel" and husband's being told to "present their wives to God as pure.." meant that he was to put my mother on a high pedestal and treat her as a precious Ming Vase God entrusted to him to love, cherish and protect. I personally think that a big part of our societies downfall is because not only have our families ventured away from teaching the proper roles God expects of us but our churches have too. And when they do they teach "wives submit to your husbands" but they leave out "and husbands submit to your wives". Like Christ is to God and the church is to Christ marriage is a representation of the two becoming one. We are even taught that we are THE BODY of Christ and no one part is more important than another. THAT my friends sums up LOVE. When you love someone they become as important if not more important than your own being. Your happiness and well being depends on their happiness and well being.
Could it be that God presented Himself as "The Father" because He is the creator of all things...and as for humans,well we mothers are here on Earth. We give birth to those that God created so it makes sense He would present himself as "The Father" but does God really have any permanent form? Are we not all created in His likeness? Or could it be that like any good, loving parent God takes on the form that we need or will understand (If we would be so blessed that God would present Himself to us in human form...as in a vision not as in Jesus returning)? I believe that Our Lord guides people to intervene in our lives when needed, sends angels in many different forms all the time, is always with us and on occasion even presents Himself to us. It is for this reason we should not judge and we should always try to show kindness and compassion to others...you never know if that stranger who needed your help or who helped you today was sent by God or God Himself. Did you show them kindness? Or were you too busy and turn your back?
From what my daughter has read to me THE SHACK shows God's compassion and patience for grieving parents, even those who hold a great deal of anger for good reason. Our heartbreak is so strong though, that sometimes it's hard to see the angels or even God when they're right here with us, seeing us through our nightmare. If we hold on to our faith though God WILL see us through. I'm not to that point yet but I will be. One day, I will be. Even if it's not until I am called home myself, I WILL be happy again one day. For that I am eternally Thankful.
As I said, I've not read THE SHACK completely yet, but this is what I've taken from it so far. I believe it is healing and a good book. If by some chance, once I've read it through I feel differently I will let you know.
MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU. MAY YOUR BURDENS BE LIGHTENED AND YOUR WORRIES BE LIFTED AND EACH TEAR WIPED AWAY. MAY YOUR ANGELS WATCH OVER YOU AND YOURS AND GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO FACE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY...IN JESUS HOLY NAME...AMEN.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
TIME
One of the hardest things for me is thinking how this time last year things were so different. How we take "normal" for granted and how it can change so quickly and drastically. This time last year I still had a chance to change things. This time last year Andy and I argued quite a bit about him speaking up to his doctor about him not doing anything about his symptoms and all that was going on with him. I didn't push hard enough. I understood where he was coming from because we both had, Derek had, and we had just been written off..."it's just a virus that needs to run it's course" . I knew better! No virus lasts for that many months! But I understood how he felt. Most of the journey had been full of insults, insinuations and like talking to brick walls at best so you do get to the point of "why bother? They aren't going to do anything anyway." When you cry out for help enough times and get no response you eventually figure you are on your own...that's how he felt. I admit I was discouraged too. I had my chance and I failed my son.
To top things off I spend his last Christmas running around trying to help make Christmas better for other people instead of spending it with my kids...my last chance to spend Christmas with my son. We did spend Christmas together but still, I feel like I lost a lot of precious time.
The one thing I am thankful for is all the time I did spend with him in the hospital. I'm not thankful he had to be in the hospital but that I was there, the entire time. We had so many conversations and I will cherish those forever.
Most of the time, I felt helpless. I had ran out of ideas of where to turn. Mom's are suppose to have the answers. Mom's are suppose to make things all better. I didn't. I couldn't. HE never made me feel that way but I felt that way. That's the kind of person he was. Always more worried abut others. I remember one night finding him at the bottom of the stairs lying there just sobbing. He couldn't make it up the stairs. In his mind though he was thinking about how did I manage all these years? I explained to him that I grew up with this more or less. I never really knew much different. Unlike him who had a great life with dreams and aspirations that were coming true and would come true. I always was in survival mode...fighting and learning to adapt. Then we talked about learning to adapt if things had to remain this way for much longer. It seemed to help some but I don't know. How can we ever really know what is going on in another's head if they don't tell us? Some people wonder why I speak my feelings...this is why. How can anyone know what you are truly feeling if you don't tell them? Including when you are upset or angry...nobody can change anything if they don't know how you are feeling or if there is something you need from them.
I do NOT understand how the doctors who are paid big money to be responsible for our care and our loved one's care are not held responsible in cases like this? This infuriates me! HE WAS THE EXPERT! WE TRUSTED HIM! And I have heard from many others who have gone through the same thing...losing a child due to a doctor ignorant of how dangerous and potent fentanyl is.
My chances to change things ran out. Now my son is gone. Forever. My life, my family will never be the same. I will always feel that I failed him. I will always think about how if only I had pushed the doctors harder, insisted, screamed til they listened. Doctor's are not God even if so many seem to think that they are. I wanted to take him down to a doctor in Atlanta who specialized in nothing but his kind of injury but we let his PM doctor talk us out of it..just less than a month before his death. How might things be different today if I had just made the appointment and taken him down there? When he was little and we lived in Indy, his first doctor always told me "YOU are his mother, you know him better than anyone else...trust your instincts...if you feel that something is wrong then something is wrong." If only I had trusted my instincts...I wonder how different today would be?
To top things off I spend his last Christmas running around trying to help make Christmas better for other people instead of spending it with my kids...my last chance to spend Christmas with my son. We did spend Christmas together but still, I feel like I lost a lot of precious time.
The one thing I am thankful for is all the time I did spend with him in the hospital. I'm not thankful he had to be in the hospital but that I was there, the entire time. We had so many conversations and I will cherish those forever.
Most of the time, I felt helpless. I had ran out of ideas of where to turn. Mom's are suppose to have the answers. Mom's are suppose to make things all better. I didn't. I couldn't. HE never made me feel that way but I felt that way. That's the kind of person he was. Always more worried abut others. I remember one night finding him at the bottom of the stairs lying there just sobbing. He couldn't make it up the stairs. In his mind though he was thinking about how did I manage all these years? I explained to him that I grew up with this more or less. I never really knew much different. Unlike him who had a great life with dreams and aspirations that were coming true and would come true. I always was in survival mode...fighting and learning to adapt. Then we talked about learning to adapt if things had to remain this way for much longer. It seemed to help some but I don't know. How can we ever really know what is going on in another's head if they don't tell us? Some people wonder why I speak my feelings...this is why. How can anyone know what you are truly feeling if you don't tell them? Including when you are upset or angry...nobody can change anything if they don't know how you are feeling or if there is something you need from them.
I do NOT understand how the doctors who are paid big money to be responsible for our care and our loved one's care are not held responsible in cases like this? This infuriates me! HE WAS THE EXPERT! WE TRUSTED HIM! And I have heard from many others who have gone through the same thing...losing a child due to a doctor ignorant of how dangerous and potent fentanyl is.
My chances to change things ran out. Now my son is gone. Forever. My life, my family will never be the same. I will always feel that I failed him. I will always think about how if only I had pushed the doctors harder, insisted, screamed til they listened. Doctor's are not God even if so many seem to think that they are. I wanted to take him down to a doctor in Atlanta who specialized in nothing but his kind of injury but we let his PM doctor talk us out of it..just less than a month before his death. How might things be different today if I had just made the appointment and taken him down there? When he was little and we lived in Indy, his first doctor always told me "YOU are his mother, you know him better than anyone else...trust your instincts...if you feel that something is wrong then something is wrong." If only I had trusted my instincts...I wonder how different today would be?
Saturday, November 3, 2012
PRAY FOR HER
In the wake of hurricane Sandy there has been so much news coverage it's been hard to watch so at the risk of sounding insensitive when this has come on the tv I admit I only half listen most of the time. I'm sorry but this year has already been too much...I mean absolutely no disrespect and I pray for all of those who were caught in her path. But last night I was working and half listening when a particular story caught my attention. It was brief but struck me to the core. "Two of the dead are children ripped from their mother's arms when their SUV got caught in storm surge..."
With all the feelings I'm experiencing, with all the pain and deep overwhelming grief that truly only another parent who has lost a child can understand that I've been going through, I cannot fathom what this mother must be going through. I know I personally would not survive it. I didn't catch her name. I'm not even sure if they gave it. But I'm asking that you join me in covering her in heavy prayer. If you are not a Christian please send your good thoughts or whatever it is you can do to help lift this woman, this mother who's children were ripped from her arms and washed away into the ocean waters. Nothing is going to be able to wipe that memory and the accompanying pain away but perhaps overwhelming love can be stronger and MORE overwhelming? It will be comparable to God moving mountains I'm sure...but it's possible. Better yet...pray for nothing short of a miracle that they children somehow survived and are found soon!
My heart aches for her....
With all the feelings I'm experiencing, with all the pain and deep overwhelming grief that truly only another parent who has lost a child can understand that I've been going through, I cannot fathom what this mother must be going through. I know I personally would not survive it. I didn't catch her name. I'm not even sure if they gave it. But I'm asking that you join me in covering her in heavy prayer. If you are not a Christian please send your good thoughts or whatever it is you can do to help lift this woman, this mother who's children were ripped from her arms and washed away into the ocean waters. Nothing is going to be able to wipe that memory and the accompanying pain away but perhaps overwhelming love can be stronger and MORE overwhelming? It will be comparable to God moving mountains I'm sure...but it's possible. Better yet...pray for nothing short of a miracle that they children somehow survived and are found soon!
My heart aches for her....
Angels Among Us
I love this video. God does sustain us doesn't He? Maybe not in the way we wish for but He sees us through in a very special way that we fail to see in our pain. One thing about losing a child, you learn who your true friends are. It's funny how some people you thought were so close disappear in this darkest hour and a surprise sometimes who stands by your side...our angels. I know I've felt very alone through this BUT I can say that in the truly darkest hours someone has been there. My husband will go out of his way for me or a friend will text me a just the right time with just the right words not even realizing they have been used by God.
Then there is the sweet woman from Illinois who I don't even know who has walked me through this entire past year from the very start. With books and music cd's with just the right songs always arriving at just the right time.
Most astounding to me was shortly after Andy's death when I went away to Florida for a week by doctor's suggestion. I went to Panama City Beach for some reason. I don't know why really because my only other time there I absolutely hated the place but something just drew me there. Well it was college spring break but oddly enough it wasn't wild and crazy. In fact there was a rather large group of kids from a Christian college, I believe they said from North Carolina or maybe that was where one of the students was from? I'm not sure. And they were evangelizing, something I am admittedly very critical of. I feel more often than not people jump in meaning to do well but chase people away instead. Not these kids. They were wonderful! Not pushy, not preachy, not judgemental. The strange thing was every single time I had a difficult moment starting...usually by a "why? " thought one would show up (even at 2:30am on the beach! NOT DRUNK) and they would just ask if they could talk to me and I'd say sure and every single time they BOOM directly answered my question and put my mind at ease. The one in the middle of the night was like talking to Andy for over 2 hours in someone Else's body! I didn't ASK my question mind you...they just answered it. And there was also one older man on the beach one particularly hard morning..same thing. The odd thing about him is he just disappeared. You know how you hear those stories about he started walking one way down the beach and me the other and when I turned around he was just gone..no where he could have disappeared to that quickly. The last thing he has said to me was if I needed to talk some more just call his name and he would be right down the beach and he'd hear me.
Do I wish He would give my son back to me? YES! Or at very least, knowing my son is in paradise I wish He would take away the pain completely. He hasn't done that by any means but as the song says in the darkest hours...yes I do believe there are angels among us.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
FOOTBALL
This has been such an emotional week. We finally settled with the life insurance company and we able to tie up everything with the funeral home and arrange for his name and such to be put on his tomb. The thing is we had the choice of emblems and such if we wanted one to add to his name. I chose only a picture of him. I thought about it and thought about it....two things a scripture verse which they didn't have and a football. Football. He loved the sport with all of his heart. We found out during the course of all his tests that he had played with a broken arm and other injuries. He even hoped to be able to return to the game once they fixed his back against our wishes. We thought he was nuts of course after all he had gone through due to a football injury to want to go back to the game but that's how much he loved it.
So why did I choose no football? Because to ME football is a fraud. All the years he played we were all about how a football team is a "family" and they boys, they believed it. In their hearts they are a family. But that's as far as it goes. Beyond that high school team that was so small they had to play all teams and were so exhausted but never gave up it was and is a fraud. He (WE) believed it about all football. How foolish we were. We didn't hear one word of condolence from ANY of the coaching staff from his high school team or any of his team from the Little Giants of Wabash College at all. Once he was injured he was out of the "family". I sat with him constantly all the time he spent in the hospital and nobody came to visit or called. And when he passed I've yet to hear one single word from any of them even when some of them have walked right past me and looked me straight in the eyes.
Then tonight I watch how inspiring Tim TeBow is. How he took a young man who got injured playing and had to have part of his leg amputated under his wing. Publicity is all it is. I wrote to so many players, including Tim Tebow, hoping one would just give Andy a call or write him to help get his spirits up, help keep him in that fighting frame of mind. Not one responded. NOT ONE SINGLE FOOTBALL ADULT TRULY HAS THE FOOTBALL FAMILY MENTALITY THAT ULTIMATELY MY SON GAVE HIS LIFE FOR. I was told that even when approached with a petition to retire his number by a student I don't recall our sports director refused, flaming fires of a horrible rumor that has been spread. When my husband questioned him he said he couldn't because they didn't have enough numbers. Hello...we have a small team and I know of players who's numbers were not being used. Please do not insult my intelligence. (And yes they were in the correct number range) So aside from going for a quarter of a few home games to support THE BOYS I have not been able to watch any more football than that since he passed and I don't think I will ever again. I didn't want Andy playing football initially. My Dad talked me into it and admittedly my perspective changed. I saw it as a sport that taught the ultimate importance of teamwork, bonding, individual responsibility, dedication and the important of working your tail off if you really want it bad enough. Now I see that it is all about greed and coaches ego's and schools reputations. If I'm wrong then where was all his football "family'?
No everything I *thought* football was I'm actually seeing in band yet you don't see crowds coming to the band competitions cheering them on...go figure...what a messed up world.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
EIGHT MONTHS GONE
Eight months have passed now since you left this world, since I last heard you laugh or saw you smile. The world goes on but like for you, part of me stopped living last January and also like with you I can't seem to ever bring it back.
Yet, unlike you, I am not living in paradise. I'm left here with heartache, missing you. So many thoughts and questions running through my head, left unanswered, so many loose ends left yet to be tied. What exactly happened that night? I know what I do know so I know that the description of you on the autopsy report is not the only mistake they made. Therefore I don't know for sure what did happen. Could I have prevented your death? Were you scared? Did you want me and I wasn't there? Are you angry with me? DID I LET YOU DOWN? Why did you have to go so young? Does God hate me? Is that why? What did I do? There HAS to be some purpose to all of this because even now I mourn alone with just a couple of exceptions and a couple of your "brothers". Not one adult has stopped by to see how I am, how we are. I guess that's probably for the best because I'm not much for conversation these days. The boys come by to watch football with me and I can't . I can't watch Sunday Football(or Thursday or Monday Night) without you. There has been no Chili on Sunday and Touchdown Teddy hasn't been moved this season. I should have buried him with you.
Sometimes I think how easy it would be to take a few too many of my pills, perhaps wash them down with a strong alcoholic drink and just go to sleep...wake up where you are. No one here would miss me. You can't miss someone who you already don't have in your life. What stops me? Your sister. For one I honestly don't know what it would do to her. She keeps her feelings to herself. I admit I take it personally. I try so hard to talk to her. I can't figure out why you and I could talk so openly , so easily and yet she doesn't trust me with her feelings. Still selfishly I want to be here to see the young woman she becomes. Will she marry? Have children? I wish she could see herself through my eyes and see just how beautiful and talented she truly is but she thinks I just feel that way because I am her mom. That is so not true. You always knew that I'd be upfront with you why doesn't she? And there's Kyle. He's really been put through hell by his mom and Tim but Andy you would be so impressed with the young man he is becoming. He's a hard worker, has an amazing new girlfriend, has been holding down a good paying job despite hating getting up EARLY (and even going to work very sick...his "parents" dropped him from their insurance just to be spiteful) He is trying really hard to go to college even though doing so is getting him served with restraining orders...yes by you guessed it...his "parents". He doesn't even go around them and they are doing all they can to make his life as difficult as possible. You know how you have to have our (parents) tax info for the FASFA to go to college right? Well they refuse to give him theirs and they refuse to sign papers to emmancipate him...nice huh? What hurts so bad is that people like that, who could care less about their kids have them if they would just love them like they should while I don't have you anymore. :( If we ever get in a position finacially where we can, we will see to it that Kyle goes to college. We've already discussed it. As long as he keeps his grades up, goes to class and takes it seriously and we believe he will...we will pay for it if we are ever in a position to be able to. Lucas is moving to Texas. This worries me but there are some good community colleges where he is moving to and he says he wants to get into one. Please watch over him. I'm really going to miss him. In a way I feel like I'm losing another son. And he's dealing with so much, he REALLY needs the support system he has here at this time. May God be with him at all times and give him the best and loudest guardian angel He has.
Don't worrry. I'm not going to do what Iwas talking about. I just think about it. I know Dad and Cat are having just as hard of a time living here in this community and with the lack of support because even Cat wants to move and you know how dead set she was against it before. Even when we have tried to give back via the scholarship nobody showed and we put so much into that walk-a-thon. Not one of your coaches has even sent a card of condolence let alone spoke to us when essentially you gave your life that football team. And with all you put into that school only Mr Huff and Mrs Baily showed any sympathy at all. Part of me keeps telling myself that it's not for them it's for the kids but none of the kids showed up either so if they don't care why not put the effort towards someone or a group who WILL? I felt like I'd disappoint you if I changed that but you aren't here are you? So I doubt that you care as long as I"m doing something good...and that I will do because that was who you were and how you were. (I do intend to do something for the band..I don't know what, how or when yet but they have been very good to us...it is the least I can do. And I don't want to see any school lose their music program. Music is the universal language that speaks to the soul..it's too important)
This has been nice. Almost like I"m hearing you. Like we are talking like we used to! I've missed this! And yes, I hear you on the topic of politics. I'm avoiding that deliberately. I don't want to get you and Pappy in trouble up there...I KNOW your tempers when it comes to politics! Besides, I've the feeling something big is about to blow up and I"m just praying like never before that God's hand be upon us and that it be quick and painless. You know what I mean...what a GLORIOUS DAY!!!!! Besides, I don't think you miss politics now all that much. You might just miss our discussions. Afterall what use would you have to concern yourself with all that now other than for good ole conversation?
Baby, I miss you so much. If I let you down in anyway please forgive me? And if my pain hurts you now forgive me. I can't help it. Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy. I don't know what is real and what is not. How could you be gone? Sometimes I wonder if these periods when I "zone out" are my brain shutting down because the stress/trauma is too much (as science says) or is that maybe when my spirit is with you? If it's the latter I sure with I could remember. Wouldn't that stink, to be getting to actually spend time with the other half of my heart as requested but not allowed to remember!
Well, I don't want to end this conversation but I have to. I have things that have to get done. Know that I will always love you!
Love,
Mom
P.S.
Any chance of my eagle today????
Yet, unlike you, I am not living in paradise. I'm left here with heartache, missing you. So many thoughts and questions running through my head, left unanswered, so many loose ends left yet to be tied. What exactly happened that night? I know what I do know so I know that the description of you on the autopsy report is not the only mistake they made. Therefore I don't know for sure what did happen. Could I have prevented your death? Were you scared? Did you want me and I wasn't there? Are you angry with me? DID I LET YOU DOWN? Why did you have to go so young? Does God hate me? Is that why? What did I do? There HAS to be some purpose to all of this because even now I mourn alone with just a couple of exceptions and a couple of your "brothers". Not one adult has stopped by to see how I am, how we are. I guess that's probably for the best because I'm not much for conversation these days. The boys come by to watch football with me and I can't . I can't watch Sunday Football(or Thursday or Monday Night) without you. There has been no Chili on Sunday and Touchdown Teddy hasn't been moved this season. I should have buried him with you.
Sometimes I think how easy it would be to take a few too many of my pills, perhaps wash them down with a strong alcoholic drink and just go to sleep...wake up where you are. No one here would miss me. You can't miss someone who you already don't have in your life. What stops me? Your sister. For one I honestly don't know what it would do to her. She keeps her feelings to herself. I admit I take it personally. I try so hard to talk to her. I can't figure out why you and I could talk so openly , so easily and yet she doesn't trust me with her feelings. Still selfishly I want to be here to see the young woman she becomes. Will she marry? Have children? I wish she could see herself through my eyes and see just how beautiful and talented she truly is but she thinks I just feel that way because I am her mom. That is so not true. You always knew that I'd be upfront with you why doesn't she? And there's Kyle. He's really been put through hell by his mom and Tim but Andy you would be so impressed with the young man he is becoming. He's a hard worker, has an amazing new girlfriend, has been holding down a good paying job despite hating getting up EARLY (and even going to work very sick...his "parents" dropped him from their insurance just to be spiteful) He is trying really hard to go to college even though doing so is getting him served with restraining orders...yes by you guessed it...his "parents". He doesn't even go around them and they are doing all they can to make his life as difficult as possible. You know how you have to have our (parents) tax info for the FASFA to go to college right? Well they refuse to give him theirs and they refuse to sign papers to emmancipate him...nice huh? What hurts so bad is that people like that, who could care less about their kids have them if they would just love them like they should while I don't have you anymore. :( If we ever get in a position finacially where we can, we will see to it that Kyle goes to college. We've already discussed it. As long as he keeps his grades up, goes to class and takes it seriously and we believe he will...we will pay for it if we are ever in a position to be able to. Lucas is moving to Texas. This worries me but there are some good community colleges where he is moving to and he says he wants to get into one. Please watch over him. I'm really going to miss him. In a way I feel like I'm losing another son. And he's dealing with so much, he REALLY needs the support system he has here at this time. May God be with him at all times and give him the best and loudest guardian angel He has.
Don't worrry. I'm not going to do what Iwas talking about. I just think about it. I know Dad and Cat are having just as hard of a time living here in this community and with the lack of support because even Cat wants to move and you know how dead set she was against it before. Even when we have tried to give back via the scholarship nobody showed and we put so much into that walk-a-thon. Not one of your coaches has even sent a card of condolence let alone spoke to us when essentially you gave your life that football team. And with all you put into that school only Mr Huff and Mrs Baily showed any sympathy at all. Part of me keeps telling myself that it's not for them it's for the kids but none of the kids showed up either so if they don't care why not put the effort towards someone or a group who WILL? I felt like I'd disappoint you if I changed that but you aren't here are you? So I doubt that you care as long as I"m doing something good...and that I will do because that was who you were and how you were. (I do intend to do something for the band..I don't know what, how or when yet but they have been very good to us...it is the least I can do. And I don't want to see any school lose their music program. Music is the universal language that speaks to the soul..it's too important)
This has been nice. Almost like I"m hearing you. Like we are talking like we used to! I've missed this! And yes, I hear you on the topic of politics. I'm avoiding that deliberately. I don't want to get you and Pappy in trouble up there...I KNOW your tempers when it comes to politics! Besides, I've the feeling something big is about to blow up and I"m just praying like never before that God's hand be upon us and that it be quick and painless. You know what I mean...what a GLORIOUS DAY!!!!! Besides, I don't think you miss politics now all that much. You might just miss our discussions. Afterall what use would you have to concern yourself with all that now other than for good ole conversation?
Baby, I miss you so much. If I let you down in anyway please forgive me? And if my pain hurts you now forgive me. I can't help it. Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy. I don't know what is real and what is not. How could you be gone? Sometimes I wonder if these periods when I "zone out" are my brain shutting down because the stress/trauma is too much (as science says) or is that maybe when my spirit is with you? If it's the latter I sure with I could remember. Wouldn't that stink, to be getting to actually spend time with the other half of my heart as requested but not allowed to remember!
Well, I don't want to end this conversation but I have to. I have things that have to get done. Know that I will always love you!
Love,
Mom
P.S.
Any chance of my eagle today????
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