"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY!"

"HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HELP! YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE. HELP!" -THE BEATLES

I HAVE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE.  I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I just can't.  Call me weak.  Judge me a selfish person.  I FOUGHT with my son to get his life back!!!! And I watched him do as he was told and get labeled by doctors and people as an "addict" and a "drug chaser" and a "doctor shopper" all because he went to the doctor's he was told to go to and took the medicine he was told to take.  I held him and cried with him when nothing seemed to be working and nobody seemed to know what was going on, and then when they did and all the painful procedures he had to endure.  I exhausted myself and pushed myself out of my own comfort zone at times by standing up to nurses and doctor's who were making very big mistakes.  Yet I live with not catching the biggest mistake of all, the one that cost him his life.  I let him down.  I let down my son who had also become my best friend because we were always together, and we talked about everything.  Our "social life" was watching tv together or discussing politics.  We didn't know much of what was going on in the world outside the hospital rooms and doctor's offices and those in the outside world really couldn't understand ours like only we could because we were the only two living it every day.  But this one time I didn't research this medication.  I DID ask his doctor about it's safety because I had been given it in the hospital and when I was moved to a regular room the nurses on that floor were afraid of handling it but he reassured me and I just trusted him and now my son and friend is dead.

Add to this just after Andy's death one of our cat's, coincidently Andy's favorite, gets hit by a car and killed.  I know not all people are animal lovers but I am.  My "pets" are part of my family.

THEN we are told by the funeral home that our insurance company is denying our claim saying that Andy didn't sign a statement of health.  Mind you at no time were I or Andy ever sent a statement of health to sign, it was never mentioned in my husbands message box in his online profile in other words we were never told anything about it, they simply began taking the premiums for the higher policy out of my husbands pay check after he inquired about (Didn't even say he wanted) larger life insurance policies on all of us.  Their own website says they will not make a policy effective until all statements needed are recieved and ours was made effective obviously, they were taking out the money for the larger policy and they told my husband the day we made the funeral arrangement on the phone from the funeral home that everythine was fine and good to go for the larger policy.  Then AFTER the funeral (and money is spent) they deny the claim and paying anything at all because Andy hadn't signed a statement of health.

Add to that his father who everyone is giving all the sympathy too is refusing to pay a dime for his son's funeral while my husband has shouldered paying to raise Andy since he was 4 years old, parenting him, keeping the insurance on him, nurturing him when he was sick, paying for all his medical bills despite my divorce decree stating that his father is to keep insurance on him even if I have it on him and pay all out of pocket medical expenses. He never paid a dime and was so far behind on child support that when our son died and he came into a healthy life insurance claim he was able to pay up his large back child support which HE thinks is his part of the funeral costs.  Soooo...let me get this straight...he was not paying his support as a savings account for our son's funeral when he dies at the age of 20??  No sorry...So my son's body may end up in a cooler until we can afford to bury him and pay for his funeral.

Unless an attorney can help us.  We have found out that businesses including lawyers and charitable foundations can break contracts with you it's you that can't break contracts with them.  We went to one attorney who said he would take our case and told us what he was doing and we were under the impression we were waiting...and waiting until finally we thought "Boy we sure have waited a long time" and tried to contact our lawyer and got no phone calls returned so my husband went up there only to be handed our folder and told sorry he was just to busy to take on this case. WHAT!!!????  Ummm...shouldn't that have been what you said two months ago when you said "don't you worry mamma we'll get your son's name up there where it belongs" referring to on his tomb. When you told me not to worry anymore to let you do that?  Shouldn't you instead have said "I wish I could help you but I have no extra time at this time."?  Really wasn't signing those papers about how much your part would be if you won the case a bit misleading?

And I won't even get into the ridiculous thinking that must have been put behind lawyers who would have any trouble proving medical malpractice or wrongful death or even how the entire thing was just wrong.  First of all that "doctors" for an insurance company who have never seen, spoke to, examined or anything my son make decisions about his life for instance that it is wiser to keep a 19 year old young highly promising college student on strong addictive (dare I say these words together and risk encouraging the misconception so many have that the two go hand in hand) narcotic pain medications as well as addictive benzo's for a long period of time, possibly a life time in which case he would eventually hit a point where he would have to live with taking the medications and still live with intolerable pain as if he had taken nothing for it.  As our bodies naturally produce opiod pain relief and sometimes the pain is so severe our bodies can't keep up so addictional is needed (prescription).  When we take medication because it's needed we do not feel an "high" from the medication we are simply lucky if it decreases our pain.  The thing is sometimes the body, if taking those medications long enough, comes to rely on them.  This is called a dependence.  And you could say the body gets lazy since this isn't something that is normally always needed and starts allowing the artificial medication to do more and more work...requiring a higher dose.  This is called building a tolderance.  These are natural and not to be confused with addiction.  When we think of addiction we think of someone who does it for the high, then comes to need that high, CRAVE it.  Most pain patients would gladly walk away from their meds if they weren't necessary.   Anyway...eventually he would have reached a point where the amount of , where his body could not handle the amount of medication necessary for him to not suffer, it would have killed him as basically it did.  The wise insurance doctors found this the better choice than to allow a minamally invasive surgery that his specialist doctor has personally had excellent success with and many other sports doctor's around the country have as well? Or no lawyer can prove medical malpractice when a doctor gave a 19 year old young man known severe sleep apnea, who is still in such pain that he can't get comfortable so he can't sleep any reasonable schedule therefore can't know when he might fall asleep to put on his bi-pap mask, a dermal patch for the most powerful pain medication that also coicidentally has been recalled already 3 times and caused over 129 deaths.  A medication that's insert states clearly not to be prescribed to patients with sleep apnea.  Central sleep apnea is the most extreme type of sleep apnea and the kind Andy had.  It would only help the lawyers that he started getting sick pretty much as soon as he started on the patch and his doctor knew this and just said it was from getting out around people more, that he had picked up a bug.  Shouldn't he have thought twice about that bug when Andy went into respitory failure within a month of going on the patch?  Oh well maybe he thought it was because of Andy taking a cold pill that added to his sleepiness but then why would he prescribe Klonopin?  And as his symptoms progressed or didn't go away and being a pain management doctor shouldn't he have recognized them as symptoms of too much fentanyl and put him not getting better together and thought "HEY WE NEED TO GET HIM OFF THIS PATCH NOW!"?  Is it really extraordinary to expect a pain management specialist to have done these things?  Or to have told him not to use the heating pad or hot tub?  or to have realized that his fever would increase the amount of medication that was being released?  THIS IS ALL IN SIMPLE ENGLISH IN THE INSERT AVAILABLE TO READ ONLINE!!!!!  I blame myself for not having looked it up.  For having trusted this doctor.  But shouldn't the law blame this doctor?

Annnd...my dog is very sick and possibly dieing.

And that's not all...before knowing about the life insurance, we committed ourselves to forming an ANDREW HENSLEY MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND for students from his high school.  You'd think that GIVING money to help students to further their education would be easy and a nice thing to do right? HA!  WRONG!  And the president of the foundation we have to go through has been trying his best to swindle us from the get go and we are about to go to have to either go to  court about that if he doesn't make things right real soon or let all the money we and others have worked so hard for and so generously donated for this particular scholarship go to His pet projects.

All the while it's like the world has literally turned upside down.  We were seeing a grief counselor and for me at least she is sitting there hearing how I want to die and telling me how these episodes I experience are "disassociative fugues" and could last a year or longer and I might want to talk to my doctor about upping my anti anxiety medication (while with Derek they have him see a doctor there) and how she feels we're ready to see her less often!  For the most part I've been completely surprised and a bit confused, the people I THOUGHT would have been there for me through all of this haven't been around much if at all, not even a message on the computer, while other's who I either would have least expected it or who I didn't think knew me to where they would have really cared that much have been the one's who have been amazingly supportive.

IF I do give up this fight I don't want those of you who have been there to think that this is any failure on your part.  I'm the one who is failing.  I don't know how much longer I can stand the pain.  I mean ALL of the pain.  The emotional pain is the most excrutiating ever and if one more thing is added...I don't know that it will even take one more thing because emotional stress makes my physical illnesses worse and my physical pain is off the charts but to do anything about the emotional I have to stay busy and if I rest at all...welll....but physically I can't go on like this.  One way or another I'm going to break. :(  And as I see it, either way I break I'm likely to be going home myself.  I bet you thought I was going to take my own life!  How about that...I'm not going to have to.

Now and for Eternity

I don't know that I'm beginning to accept that you are actually gone but I do know that the pain of how long it's been since I last saw you, last spoke to you, last spent time with you is way to long ago.  It hurts so much and when I hurt from that THAT is when it crosses my mind that I'm never going to see you again in this life time and it makes it hurt 100 times worse.  People assure me that I WILL be happy again someday.  Not like before but it will get better.  It's even harder now than ever to believe that.  How can I possibly ever be happy again knowing you will never be part of my life ever again in this lifetime?  We were so much alike, just about anything I do I think about you and how you would like something about where I am, what I am doing or listening to or watching or how you would probably agree with me and not like it.

We just got back from visiting with Olivia and her mom in Florida (I'm sure you already knew that).  I'm sorry you couldn't physically be there.  On the way back we finally went on the lighthouse night tour in Saint Augustine.  I felt so guilty because I knew how much you wanted to do that.  It was difficult to enjoy it.  Plus, and I wish you could speak to me and tell me from your side why this is happening, I can't FEEL anything (or anyone if you know what I mean) anymore.  Maybe that's a good sign?  Maybe that means God has called all those who were "sleeping" as some believe up and the Rapture is very close?  If I'm not insane you did tell me that...God I pray that is the case!  I even volunteered to put myself in some positions to allow the spirits to try and play tricks with me-nothing.  Ha, I did accidentally scare some of the other tourists as they returned down from the top of the lighthouse.  I chose not to climb the stairs because I was hurting so I was sitting in complete darkness on a bench when they came back down...not expecting to see anyone there. You would have laughed.

We were on the road so much I didn't have many opportunities for God Walks but even the ocean wasn't as calming to me as usual.  Either He is busy preparing for the Rapture or you sure are stirring things up up there!  Knowing you...either is entirely possible.

I miss you so much.  I can't find the words to describe to someone who hasn't experienced such a deep loss how I feel inside or how everyday I realize something more I miss about you.  Baby, I know this may be a big request but if you could, would you please remind God that our time down here is longer than His up there and  I've already had to miss you so much longer than He had to miss Jesus.  Not that I'm saying His pain was any less...I'm just asking Him to keep in mind that we're human here and I know I really need His help (preferably the rapture) because this pain really is more than I can bare and I'm leaning on His promise not to give me more than I can handle.

I love you.  You are a part of me and that will never change.  Give my love to everyone and tell them I'll see them when I get home....Love, Mom

When did it all change?

When did society do away with grieving?  Society, at least ours has almost completely done away with grieving or allowing grieving which is a very necessary, difficult and long process.  People who have just lost a child, a spouse or a parent, if they are lucky might get a week off of work.  That's just enough to make arrangements and carry out the services!  That's not even enough time for all the other necessary business that goes along with the death of an immediate family member let alone even beginning the grieving period. 

For those who are Christians the Bible says in Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, Mourn with those who mourn"  We are told how Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died and felt the turmoil of the loss.  In the Book of Job we are told how Jobs friends stopped what they were doing and traveled to stay and comfort him.  Yet I've heard of people being told by people at church after just 4 months following a loss of a child that it was time they start pulling themselves together.  Traditionally widows mourned officially for 3 years and parents who lost a child indefinitely.  People tend to try to stop the tears when they begin to flow.  The thing is those tears need to flow, they're healing and necessary in the grieving process. 

The truth is many of the well meant words people say to try and comfort someone going through the grieving process can actually add to the person's anguish and fears.  When one of the biggest fears we might be facing at that moment is that our loved one will be forgotten and nobody will speak their name and everybody we run into is "moving on"  that feeds that fear pretty strongly. 

Please try and remember that our lives have changed so drastically in both the obvious and the not so obvious ways that it's going to take a long time to fill in a new "routine" we can feel comfortable with.  At first we are facing so many things...first birthdays and holidays without them but also missing plans that we had made with them.  Those still extend out into this part of our lives and with our children, well that will always be the case but hopefully once the once already set plans have passed it will get a little easier.  Habits we had that involved our loved one, traditions, routines,...all of this changes all while our hearts and souls are crying to have them back. 

In my case I took care of Andy through his battle with his injury.  That leading to his death is difficult to deal with, it makes me feel as if I failed him.  It also simply changes my entire daily and monthly routine.  I worry that it may change some of my relationships.  I miss little routines we had like late night we both had difficulty sleeping so we usually would either watch a movie or lay in our own beds and watch FOX news and text back and forth about our thoughts on politics.  I have nobody that I can discuss politics with like Andy and I did and I enjoyed those discussions tremendously.  Andy liked to get into deep philosophical discussions too which I don't often find and greatly enjoy.  I also miss is warped sense of humor that would often come out of no where.  Little things he'd say and I'd see that look just waiting to see if I picked it up or not.  As a mother you don't realize until something like this how often you think of your kids just going to the grocery or when you walk through a store or watch a movie or hear a new song from a group you know they like.  You recognize the major milestones but you don't realize just how often you think about them daily in just your average daily life.  When you lose one though it smacks you in the face hard every time.

Reminding us that we'll see them again someday is another tough one.  On one hand that is one of the only hopes we hold but at the moment it doesn't help because we feel that they should be with us NOW.  Some may be angry with God for taking their child  and that comfort statement opens up a whole different can of worms.

Sometimes the old tradition is the best and why change what ain't broken?  People were given time to mourn and friends and family helped them with the process by doing things like cooking meals for them, helping with house and lawn work, running errands and just being there, a shoulder to cry on. A good listener is a bigger help for someone who is grieving than a good talker.

Now given that many of my friends read this I just wanted to say, this isn't totally personal.  It's not even mostly personal.  I'm writing this from observation of others, reading and yes some experience but mostly the first two.  God did not create us to experience death which is probably what makes it so extremely difficult.  He did give us two resources though to help us through it-Himself and each other.  To those who have been there for me I want to say thank you.  You have no idea how much you have helped and continue to do so.  I've survived 5 months that I didn't think possible, that's something.

Always with you

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken

Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I read something tonight that is so true, "Grief can be so crippling that it blinds you to God's presence."  I have felt so abandoned by God lately, more distant than ever before in my life.  WHY did HE take Andy from me?  WHY!  And WHY has HE taken so many others I love?  WHY is HE allowing me to hurt so badly?  WHY is HE not comforting me?  When I spend time with God I spend more time listening than talking and right now I'm not hearing Him when I need to hear Him the most WHY?

When my father passed I was up one night crying and I literally FELT Jesus' arms around me and I drifted off to sleep...as I drifted off to sleep I saw myself wrapped in his arms and there was a light surrounding us.  He was holding out one hand, and with that hand he was banishing away all the pain and  evil that was haunting me and I rested that night very peacefully.  Where is He now?  Why is He not wrapping me in his loving arms now?

This is so difficult to write because I'm honestly not to this point yet.  But I know deep down that the truth is in that sentence above.  When we lose a loved one we MUST grieve to heal.  But grieving means admitting that they are gone and I don't want to do that.  It is so unbearably painful when anything reminds me that he is gone (which is constantly) that I FEAR admitting it, facing it head on.  My heart can't accept that he is gone, it still holds on hoping that he is just lost and it can somehow find him or he will find his way home to me again.  I realize this might not make sense to many.  Just as one cannot truly understand or be fully prepared to become a parent until one becomes a parent, the same holds true with losing a child of any age.  One cannot fathrom the gut wrenching pain a mother feels unless she has experienced it herself.  It's like the great surgeon removed a very big and important part of me and forgot to sew me back up, nor did I sign any consent forms!

I want him back and to want him back from paradise makes me feel incredibly selfish.  The thing is Gos is with me and has been all along.  For instance, when my friend and I went to Florida shortly after his death just to get away I was out in the morning for one of my God walks...the morning I first got hit with the reality of it all.  Well an older man first approached me asking if he could take my picture...it was s silohette in the sunrise then as he walked back up to thank me he noticed I was crying and asked if I was okay?  I told him what was going on including how selfish I felt at the time and his words to me without hesitation were "I believe Mary wept when Jesus died so I don't think it is anything but appropriate for you to weep for your son." I have strangers looking after me. I have a sister who as busy as she is with three young granbabies and trials of her own always finds time to talk online or text ..if not right at that moment she responds soon with just the right things to say.  She gives me time to talk about Andy and permission if not encouragement to grieve for him by going through it with me.  While I'm to cripled to see or feel Him He is reaching me through people in my life.  It's ME who is resisting.

Now if only I could come up with the answer to the million dollar question...HOW?



Do I believe God sends His angels here to help us in Human form? Yes. When this horrible nightmare began I ran into quite a few in a very unlikely place. But there has been one in particular who has stuck this out with me and I wanted to thank her.
Like most angels, I've never seen her, never spoke to her (that I know of), never met her (that I know of), in all manners of the word she is a complete stranger to me EXCEPT shortly after Andy died I recieved a gift from her in the mail, a book and a beautiful cd with songs that I could definitely relate to with just a short note that said so much. Now I know there is no way she could have known my birthday was yesterday but somehow for my birthday I recieved a second gift in the mail..a second booklette.
Dear L you couldn't have had more perfect timing. Thank you from the bottom of what is left of my heart. All I wanted to do yesterday, and the days preceeding and somewhat still now was run...get away...as if somehow I could either run away from the pain or perhaps find Andy out there somewhere. But as the booklette said and was right on target I cannot not grieve. I can go anyplace in the world but this pain is inside of me and it will be with me until I work through it. It was also timed perfectly because I am right at that point where the shock is come and go..and when it goes it hurts so bad! I want to crawl back into it and stay there because to accept that he's gone is letting him go and that is just too painful. I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT! I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT...I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!!. I know I have said it but I mean I don't want to mean it. I don't want to feel it...I don't want to do more than just "recite" it as if it's a script. I went off of the ativan because it made me feel TOO numb yet not numb enough if that makes any sense and now take valium as needed and I try to hold off on that as much as possible. I'm TRYING to let myself feel this. I'm also terrified that these fugues will get worse but the booklette reassured me that the memory lapses are common with extreme loss. I'm not sure common was the correct word but suffice it to say that it made me a bit less worried...it's not the same as when it just happens to some people...so less likely that I"m going to just up and forget my life, as I have read can happen and was my fear.. It explained that many people in my situation do experience these and they will or should lessen with time or become shorter or less often or both.
If I had to evaluate myself I'd guess I'm still more in shock than not but it's moving more and more to the other. Because on those now I'd say blessed days of not feeling it will suddenly hit me He's gone..he's gone, My baby is gone and I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. WHY!? WHY HIM? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE? I DON'T THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS!
Then I also think, and I realize some people don't believe in this but early on he would "speak" to me fairly often and give us really clear signs he was still with us. Those have become very rare now. I thought that perhaps it was the ativan, another reason I stopped it. But I'm still not hearing him. Part of me is scared that he's angry with me. That I let him down. That I failed him. Maybe I could have saved him? But if that were the case then why was he so there for me/us in the beginning? So the only other answer is he is distancing himself so I don't keep holding on. :( It makes sense. There's the occasional sign here and there but nothing like before and if one believes in that which I do because I've experienced it all my life. (Not dial a psychic or ouji boards...those are either fake or BAD...if God wants them to contact us HE will initiate it...we should not...had to spell that out for anyone who believes and might think about trying to contact them. WHEN YOU CONTACT THEM YOU CAN BE FOOLED...YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE GETTING AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IT ISN'T GOOD) Anyway..it seems he and God must feel that it's time for me to grieve, time for me to start letting go whether I like it or not. I haven't finished the booklette. I hope it tells me how because I don't know how. As crazy as it sounds I'd rather stay stuck in shock...waiting for God's miracle and Andy to walk through the front door. I know it can happen. He raised Lazarus from the dead! But I also know that the more time that passes the less likely that is to happen. I knew that it was very unlikely to happen in the first place but I believe and hope. Then I get upset with myself because how could I, especially after this long, ask or want my son to leave paradise with Jesus just for my comfort? It's one thing to think "If you had the option of not going, as some near death patients have said (not most) then why didn't you stay!!!!!!" but it's too late for that too.
This is part of why I get NO SLEEP now. I got little before but now I can't not until I just pass out. My mind is constantly going through each and every possible even if it is far reaching and only in the slightest but if it's possible scenario of the morning of January 30th and the days even months leading up to it. All the what if's, the possibilities and now the never will be's. I hold on to one of my conversations with him (after his death). In it he was telling me how Amazing it is there but that it was impossible to describe. He also told me that WE ALL WOULD BE BACK TOGETHER SOON. When I asked how soon? He again just said soon. Now you would have to understand how my son and I would have conversations when he was alive...this was typical. So I asked "Andy, soon as in God's time or soon as in our time here on Earth?" And he said "Mom all I can tell you is that we will all be back together real soon." ARGH!!!!!! Of course I understand...the Bible says we won't know the exact hour...basically he wouldn't be allowed to tell me. I'm hoping and praying that by what he DID say that maybe there is something to all this Dec 22 2012 stuff...I'm praying the Rapture is REAL SOON. (OUR TIME!)
I realize to so many everything I'm saying sounds like I've gone off the deep end. Honestly I feel like I've gone off the deep end. Probably not for the same reasons some readers might think but I do feel like it. If I TRY to hold back the grief then my body takes over. I have no choice in it. Those fugues happen, my health gets far worse, I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything but thoughts about him. I've found only two things that help me 1) is my "God walks" which I can't do here. Those are my most cherished times when I'm at the ocean and I get up before dawn and go out and walk the beach and spend time just me and God...greeting the new day and hopefully the sunrise over the ocean but I do it on rainy days too. At no time do I feel closer to God and more at peace. the 2) is riding my bike but not around home because there are too many memories and the scenery is just too familliar and ...well...boring. And I need to ride far. Which my body won't let me do at the moment. Also it seems when I need it the most it's either the middle of the night, too hot or raining. Even with the pain, if I had enough money in my pocket for a campstove (lost mine somehow) and campgrounds and food along the way or hotels would be nice I'd go. I'd hop on my bike and ride til I couldn't ride any further then eat and sleep, spend time with my thoughts and God and get up as soon as I could and keep going. Sort of like Forrest Gump only cycling instead of running.
I should go through his things. I can't. I don't want to pack him away like he never existed. I don't want his life with me, with us to be over. I don't want to do anything to finalize that.
Anger..oh boy. At times I'm angry with myself, with my husband, with his friends, with Andy himself, with God. I am ALWAYS angry with the doctor's...ALWAYS and I feel that certain one's of them are responsible and should be held responsible but so far I can't get an atty to take the case because of his autopsy..which itself is screwy. It reported one thing that I'm 99% sure was NOT there...I'll give that 1% chance that I missed it because of being so upset but I'm just sure it wasn't. But that aside it did not find any of his other medications in his system that I KNOW for a fact he was and did take, because I saw him take them and helped him with some of them myself when I was not distraught. I almost think they got his autopsy switched with someone elses. I'm angry with some people who feel the need to spread mean rumors they know nothing about, the rumors are wrong and they are simply cruel bullies who are hurting a family who is deeply hurting already...including his little sister.. And one of these people is a sherriff! Someone we are suppose to be able to teach our children to trust...someone who is suppose to help, serve, protect...not gossip and hurt. This man does not deserve to wear the badge or the uniform. I support capitalism but I'm angry that greed and money mean more to some businesses and our current govt than people's lives. The fentanyl patch should NOT be on the market. Fentanyl should be used in the hospital via IV only. It is a very strong and helpful pain medication. It is needed. But ipatients who need this medication are sick enough that they should be in the hospital and this medication is so potent that it should be constantly supervised by very knowledgable professionals. Andy was miserable and he should have been in the hospital. It was very difficult on him and us for him being at home. He needed round the clock care and his bedroom was upstairs while everything else including the bathroom was downstairs. HE COULDN'T WALK! He was at great fall risk and had fallen many times including down the stairs which Im sure only made his injury worse and his pain as well. Doctor's need to LISTEN to their patients and trust what they tell them. If they expect us to put our lives in their hands then they have to listen and trust us as much as they expect us to listen and trust them. If they had not dismissed what we had been telling them about Andy's symptoms for 4 months at least...actually more but that they were getting much worse...I know he would still be here.
Whew...this is why it's so hard to grieve. There is so much going on in our heads and hearts. A flood of feelings and thoughts and emotions. ALL of it is painful to us and a lot of it will be painful to others if we just let it go. Grieving feels selfish.. I'm stuck in this house with all these memories everywhere, including the worst of all, that I can't get out of my head, seeing my son's lifeless body, even the smell...everything...24/7. I'm not suppose to drive. Obviously shouldn't since I don't sleep regardless of the other medical reasons. I want so badly for someone to be there for me, to come and get me and be able to stand to be around me while I grieve. To go get a coke and sit in park and just talk or go for a drive or...anything. Who can handle my tears and whatever I might say or even silence. But that's unfair to ask of anyone. I know everyone else is busy living. They have their own busy lives and issues and problems and joys and the last thing they want as so many would put it is "more drama". so I just don't talk much to anyone. The booklette pointed out that many people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. The same holds true for the person grieving...at least for me. I don't know what to say to people. My only real clear thought is "My son died and i want him back!" I'd be like a broken record..perhaps repeating the same thing in various ways but the same thng none the less. I WANT MY SON BACK! HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT MY SON? Don't bother answering that because your answer won't be good enough...right now no answer is. I cannot imagine or see going on without my son. I know the only answer to that is one word Caitlyn. My children are EVERYTHING to me. It feels as if I have had half my heart ripped right out of my chest...and I'm trying so hard to live with just half a heart because that half is so very important...just as important and loved as the part that is gone but how do you live with half a heart?
I've probably said more than enough for tonight. I've wrote all night long. The sun is now up and Derek will be home in less than an hour. I'm thinking maybe I can get him to run me out to the cemetary to have breakfast with my son before he has to go to sleep. I intended to write both on here and on my blog because I honestly am not sure where my Angel found me and I really want most of all for her to know how very much she is helping me and how truly thankful I am. I don't know how you happened upone me or cared enough to go out of your way for a total stranger. But I thank God you did.. No matter how crazy I sound, you my beautiful angel are a very special creature of God. Our world needs more people like you. I pray that God showers you with His joyful blessings. His light shines so brightly through you and I"ve no doubt you ignite a spark in everyone you have some kind of contact with.
Bless you and thank you again Angel L
Much Love and (((HUGS))))

HAPPY NOW?

I'm not even sure what to say today.  My son's name is still not on his tomb.  I assume because we are still battling the life insurance company (the wonderful Metlife who is screwing many of their clients at the moment) for our claim which they said the day we made the arrangements, before we made them, that we "were all set and everything looked good to go" then came up months later telling us that Andy didn't sign some paper he needed to sign so they were denying the claim "but they would gladly refund all of our payments" (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP)  So we had to hire an atty and he's handling it.  He says we will get out money ...question is WHEN?  In the meantime we are in limbo HOPING the cemetary will wait and not move him to an in ground burial site...which would still be unmarked mind you.  Further there is no vase even for us to put flowers.  So I made the plaque that you see above and attached to the back is something to put flowers in.  I think it's obvious that someone took time to make this? 

Well today we went to the cemetary and everything was gone.  All of it...the plaque, flowers everything.  I don't know who took them.  Regardless isn't a person's grief something to be respected?  Apparenetly not.  When the press is allowed to swoop in on disaster victims, post pictures of accident victims, protesters are allowed to protest at funerals...mine is minor compared to those and I know how I feel right now.  I have said before I was just barely hanging on...I feel like someone is out there TRYING to push me off.  Well if you are reading this and that person is you...you're doing a GREAT JOB!  Two thumbs up to you!  But let me point something out to you while you're at this...and spreading your rumors and all.  If you're goal is to push me over the edge...I would GLADLY go be with my son right now!  It's not ME that you would be doing the long term damage to.  Have you thought about that?

Well...if you haven't.....think about it!  She's been through more than enough.  It's not just me that you hurt.  Further what gets me, is that the people I have been told are causing the trouble are people I don't even know, who don't know us, so I'm curious...WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?



SOON

Do you remember the day when your child first left you to go to school?  Did you cry?  Did the house seem painfully silent?  Or for those who have children who have left home for college or to start their own lives do you remember how hard that was?  Did you want to call them constantly?  Find reason's to visit them as often as possible?  Couldn't wait til you got to see them? 

As mother's from the time they are conceived they are part of us and we are part of them.  Our bodies are tuned into them.  We can sense when they need us.  We can even understand their coo's and cries as babies and distinguish our own out of a room full of babies.  Our bodies are made so our milk automatically lets down when they are hungry and produces exactly what they need and we somehow get that added adrenaline needed when they are sick to be able to stay up and by their side.  Mother's have even been known to be able to lift entire cars off their children single handily when the need called for it.

So HOW does a mother survive when one of her children dies?  The pain just grows and grows.  It doesn't get easier.  I'm just barely holding on and no one knows.  I have to tell myself "just make it through one more day...just one more day."  Are these moments of missing time I experience God's best gift of compassion?  Sparing me hours here and there from the emotional turmoil inside of me?  And what kind of mother is that for my daughter?  If I try to fight it and try to go about a "normal" routine the time lapses get worse.

I try and try to find a way through this or answers that make it OK but there are none. I was blessed.  I had two beautiful, brilliant, compassionate, caring, loving children.  They never even fought with each other!  Both of them care(ed) about people, genuinely cared.  They hold/held no prejudices.  They love God.  Even when other's treated them unfairly they didn't let that cause them to be mean or unfair.  Some people would tell me that that was just good upbringing.  Huh...well...that was what I taught them yes but they far surpassed me.  It's like it's automatic to them.  Unlike me who has to strive to turn the other cheek sometimes and I don't always succeed.  I was BLESSED,  They see the sadness and problems in our world and want to make it a better place.  And Andy was just about to go out into the world and MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE..  One of his inner struggles was how could he become a lawyer and work his way into politics and maintain his integrity and honesty?  That was his desire, his planned route to make some changes.  He also wanted very badly to marry and raise a family.  He KNEW the intricate responsibilities he was intending to take on.  Further the person he planned on marrying was from Switzerland and they wanted to raise their children in Swiss schools so he had to figure out how to work that in..how could he be a lawyer there and support his family well and still network to enter politics here?  His mind was always planning planning planning....and always for the best for others.  I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for him!  It was Andy who noticed something was wrong and called for help when my fever was near 105.  It was always him who could tell that something wasn't right and call the doctor's attention to it.  Why wouldn't the doctor's listen to me when the roles were reversed? :(  Why would God take such a person from this world?  My sister had the one answer that made some sense...Satan took him because taking him would shake so many of us so badly and our faith in God...make us angry with Him.  And that's true to some extent..why didn't God fight for him?  Why didn't God draw the line like He did with Job and say you can't take his life?

My only glimmer of hope, to some will sound crazy (literally) is not long after he passed I heard him.  I heard Andy speak to me and among the things he said he told me "I'm okay mom.  I'm more than okay, it's AMAZING HERE.  too amazing to describe for you to understand" and I told him that I missed him so badly and how much I loved him and he said "I know.  I love you too mom.  It'll be okay.  You'll ALL be with me soon.  We will all be back together soon."  Then I asked "soon?  How soon?"  and he just said "soon"  I said "soon as in our soon or God's time soon"  and again he just kind of laughed and said "soon mom soon" and that was the end of that conversation.  So I am clinging to the hope that I'm not crazy and I did hear my son and that since he said "we will ALL be back together soon" and given the December 22 2012 thing and all the predictions etc...I'm PRAYING he was telling me that the Rapture is coming soon.  If I hold onto that...I can do this..I can appreciate the beauty of this world for a few more months without my son if I cling to this.  But these losses of time and stuff are making it hard to believe that I'm not going crazy.Thankfully though...if I am going crazy...so are a few other people. ;)  God loves us..open your heart to Him and He will fill it til it's spilling over...let it spill over on everyone around you.  Don't worry about whether they are "deserving" or not!  His love might just transform someone you thought was undeserving. ;)  Do I still ache for my son with every fiber of my being?  You bet...but I'm clinging to the hope that it won't be much longer......and oh how GLORIOUS THAT DAY WILL BE!