My 2nd Christmas Without You...

You cannot possibly imagine how much I think back to this particular Christmas.  It was Andy's last Christmas with us.  I would have never have dreamt that a little over a month later he'd be gone.  It makes me happy to see that he was smiling, at least he enjoyed his last Christmas with us.  God I wish I could go back and change time.  I wish I could go back to that Christmas knowing what was coming and change it.  I wish Andy was home from college, both of my kids were here and life was happy and normal again.  I wonder how our lives would be different if he was still here?  I know one thing, I would cry or have to fight back the tears every time I look at our Christmas tree.

 

I look at this picture and think about how full of life he was.  Even when he hurt so bad he loved to make people laugh and I loved hearing his laugh.  He could pull anyone out of their shell and he really listened and cared..  He truly lived life to it's fullest.  I know his injury really got him down because it was the first time he faced a major hurdle that he wasn't sure he could clear.  He always went after what he wanted with everything he had and he rarely failed at getting it.  I don't mean that he was the type to step on whoever's toes it took either.  He accomplished his goals thru pure hard work.  He never let that scare him off.

 

We're used to seeing people's life lights slowly fade as we age, not that that's easy but it's how it's suppose to be.  But what the heart and brain cannot comprehend is when such a strong vibrant light is snuffed out so quickly and unexpectedly.  It's so wrong that it should be impossible but obviously ...it isn't.  The loss of a child leaves a hole so deep and dark that it's like a black hole in space...and we can't do anything about it.  It sucks in any joy or happiness that dares to peek it's head into our lives, it sucks in everything that is us and all we can do is keep breathing and HOPE that someday we will come out whole again from that black hole. 

 

Please know though, that just because I cannot feel "Merry" does not mean that I am not sincere when I wish all of you the very Merriest of Christmas' and all the blessings God has to offer in the coming New Year.

 

And if you are young parents, up late tonight doing what parents of young children do on Christmas eve ;)  Wishing you were close to done and could get to bed, dreading what little sleep you are going to get and what energy is going to be expected of you tomorrow morning I urge you to go in and quietly look at your angel sleeping soundly in their bed dreaming of tomorrow morning and the magic it brings.  Take some time and think about how fast the time you have had them has already passed and you might just find that second wind.  Enjoy this time while you can because it passes so quickly.  Oh...and take lots of pictures! ;) 

 

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

 

 

BAH! HUMBUG!

Andy's last Christmas

This is my 2nd holiday season without Andy and I honestly believe it's the toughest one yet. I know part of it is because we moved. Packing up Andy's room was NOT something I was ready to do and has been incredibly hard. I feel like I really just packed my son away in boxes. I guess because in the beginning we have shock to help protect us and we also tell ourselves "that's not him that's just his body" when we have the funeral. It's funny how our minds will process things exactly as they need to when it comes to something as traumatic as the loss of a child to protect us as much as possible. (It sure doesn't FEEL like it!) Those may contribute but I've also heard many other GM's who are further out say that the 2nd year is the worst. I don't know the reason and am learning to stop asking "why?", all I know is that it is.

Ironically just as it's getting harder for us, it's getting easier for others. Time is healing their pain. Being a parent who has lost a child is the one time I've found that time is not our friend. Again, I'm not speaking merely from my own experience but from talking to and reading the experiences of many others. In our case, the more time that passes the more we miss our children. Sometimes we do get more experienced in handling ourselves publically but don't be fooled our pain is still there is still raw. Maybe this is because under no circumstances do we ever stop being a mother? From the time we know we are pregnant our body's and minds start changing. We are made to love, care for and protect our babies. This is also why no matter how many times people tell us "It's not your fault" we struggle to accept that. Because usually no matter what, in hindsight there is something we can always look back and say "if only we had done this differently then...of course logically we did nothing any normal person wouldn't have done in our shoes but that doesn't matter because they didn't lose their child and we did. We should have made the different choices, or such is our way of thinking and in it's own way it has it's own logic about it. The thing is, at the time, there was no wrong choice and we did the best we could. It's just a hard fact of life that horrible things like this happen and some of us have to walk this nightmarish road. (That's easier typed than believed!)

One thing I heard a lot in the beginning but didn't understand was that people, including many professionals, do not comprehend the difference in the magnitude of the loss when its a parent losing a child vs any other loss.  I  mean this in no way to diminish the pain felt when anyone loses a loved one.  Put plain and simple it hurts.  I've lost a brother, both of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends-I'm no stranger to loss at all but as painful as each of those were, they were minor compared to losing Andy. It still seems impossible/unreal.  My brain cannot accept that such a thing could be real.  Our language is even different (be warned!  Some things that are perfectly "normal" and understood by other GM's are not by people who have never been through it!)

So  how do we get through it? That answer is simple!  Whatever works for you!  I personally go away for the holidays although I do put up the family Christmas tree for the season as hard as it is. This year I found one of our local churches is holding a "Blue Christmas Service" for people just like us, people who have lost loved one's and find "celebrating" more than difficult.  I'm going to try to attend that.  Sometimes serving others such as helping gather gently used toys and clean them up for needy children to have something to unwrap Christmas morning or serving Christmas dinner at a local food bank.

How can you help a loved one who has lost a child get through the Holidays more easily?  Let them know they and their child are not forgotten.  I'd say treat this time as if it were the period right after the child's death because it feels very much like that.  Perhaps drop off a meal, offer to go Christmas shopping with or for them, then sit with them and wrap presents and  be prepared to talk and do some crying.  It's not bad for us to cry.  Crying is healing all you need to do is understand.  Don't be afraid to talk about their child with them especially when everyone is together.  It helps to know other's miss them too.  Maybe  keep an empty chair for them or keep their picture in a prominent place.  If your family drinks propose a toast in memory.  If you can keep in mind that their child still occupies their mind and heart more than ever you will be on the right path. If you are willing to go out of your way to include the child who has passed on I would suggest personally speaking to the parents ahead of time and just bouncing the idea off of them "Hey I was thinking, we're all missing ---- and know how hard these times are for you.  What would you think if we did......?"  One of the hardest things, for me for example, is to be around my large family with all of their kids and their growing families while mine is painfully incomplete.  Doing something to keep Andy part of our family would make it easier for me to "belong".  Instead I try to avoid raining on their day and upsetting everyone.  Oh how I wish I could just go into hibernation until Spring!

TWO WORLDS ONE HEART

God called you home early
I'll never understand why
my heart was ripped right from my chest
will my eyes ever stop crying?

Tears fall, life seemed over
until I realized
the bond between us can never be severed
Not even when one of us dies.

It simply left me with a choice to make
Live in your world or bring you back into mine
Crawl into a hole and cease to exist
or thru me let your beautiful light shine?

I know you're never far from me
We are never far apart
We may be living in separate worlds for now
But we will always share one heart.

I LOVE YOU ANDY!

Nov 4, 2013

 

 

 

I so miss that face!  I still look at his pictures and think "this cannot be real".  But we recently had to move and WOW reality is really hitting me.  I desperately wanted to move out of that house.  While there all I could think about was that my son had laid dying just feet away from me, under the same roof while I slept (which I rarely do).  How if I had done as usual he would still be here.  And the picture of his lifeless body laying across the end of his bed, peaceful but lifeless none the less.  I still wonder-Was he aware of what was happening?  Was he scared?  Did he TRY to get up and get to me?  Did he TRY to call out to me?  Did he suffer at all?  ....and so many many more questions.

 

Now that I'm out of that house though I feel like reality is smacking me in the face.  The fugues are back.  I can't look up and in my minds eye see him walking up the stairs, or raiding the frig, or coming around the corner into my work room.  His "presence" isn't in this house.  Memories?  Yes. But none in this house.  I honestly have not hurt this badly since he passed.  Our Indiana weather doesn't help.  We seem to have skipped fall and went right from summer to winter.  I have no outlet for my grief that works for me.  I NEED to ride and can't (the cold and my body don't get along).  So now I'm in a horrible flare which only compounds everything negative.

 

In a way I feel as if I am being forced to "move on" and I AM NOT READY TO MOVE ON.  I will never be ready to move on without my son.  Perhaps when/if I felt like I had accomplished something that would memorialize him.  I feel as if everyone is moving on and wants me to "just leave him in the past because he's gone now".  NO! He is part of me and as long as I am alive he will always be part of me and never be "in the past".  He had a life ahead of him that didn't get lived out and that keeps me going...to live for him.  Take that from me and I'm back to wanting to join him.

 

I don't think anyone but another mother who has lost her child can fully understand this need inside that I feel.  We are the life givers.  From the moment our children are conceived we live for them, caring for them, nurturing them, teaching, encouraging, loving, feeding, counseling, and we are suppose to protect them.  So when we face the death of a child to us we have failed.  You can tell us logically that we didn't all you want but to us, we did.  There is nearly always something we can look back in hindsight and say "If only we had...he/she would still be here"  we screwed up in the worst way a mother can.  We feel like horrible mothers.  Failures.  So some of us, many of us, search for some way to rectify that, as if we can make it up to them.  I still admittedly take issue with God because He brought Lazarus back for Mary and Martha (and because he was His good friend) but wont do the same for me.  What do I need to do to be worthy?  What did I do to deserve this punishment?  I know I am far from perfect but who isn't?  Why my son? 

 

It's like starting the grief process all over again only now everyone is telling me I shouldn't be grieving.  I really just want to disappear.



Moving

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions and to be honest I'm actually procrastinating right now.  Today is moving day.  We HAVE to be out of this house completely by midnight tonight.  The new house isn't at all ready.  They can't even get the utilities on yet and we have no running water but we have to move out. 

I thought I would only be happy about getting out of the house my son died in.  It's been so incredibly painful living in the same house I saw my son's lifeless body in for the last time before they took it away.  But now all I can think about is how it is also the last place he LIVED and the memories we made here....and I'm frozen.  I'm unable to move and start packing and moving things.  I have no idea how I'm going to get all of this done.  No idea at all.  I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.



MOTHER'S DAY

It's one of those Breath and hope you make it through it weekends. I really wish I could write a brilliant blog here on grieving the death of your child and how to survive it. I wish I could give you lots of useful tips that would take your pain away. If I ever find those tips I will share them believe me but so far there is none. We just have to choose to survive it or not and push through as painful as it gets keep pushing. You have to be selfish to an extent and shut out those who try to tell you you're doing it "wrong" or "should be over it by now" etc. I can tell you I've not met any parent who has gotten over the death of their child, just some who learn to handle it a bit more gracefully, for lack of a better word, in public. We all face the same giant demon. We all seem to handle it similarly but none exactly the same. You do what you have to do, what feels right to you. I would suggest finding a support group or others going through the same (unfortunately that isn't very hard to do). NOBODY truly understands this loss like another parent who is going through it as well. I personally have one sister and my in-laws who come very close who I'm very thankful for. My sister to seems know what she doesn't understand she understands that she couldn't possibly understand and that means so much.

For me personally, we still live in the same home my son passed in so I need to get away often. I've found places that offer the lowest rates for "vacations" (ha, I'd make a great travel agent now!) and I've purchased a recumbent bike, one that I can ride that doesn't hurt my muscles and I am on it as often as I can. The bike has been a Godsend! It's healthy and I've discovered bike trails are everywhere. Well, except that my state ranks 42nd in providing good bike trails but essentially you can travel the entire US via bike and ride primarily safe from traffic on greenways and rail trails. Giving me the opportunity to think or completely clear my mind of everything and simply take in the scenery that you just don't see from a car. I now want to see as much of the world from my bike as I can. If I have to live on this earth without my son then I want to make the most out of every single moment so when I see my son again I can tell him about all this Earth was about, meet as many people as I can and listen to their stories find out how much all of us are alike and where our differences are. And in the process talk about my children, in that way my son will live on (at least in my mind.) He definitely will if I'm able to write a book about my travels which I hope to get to do.

Still none of this makes these days like his birthday, holidays and especially Mother's Day since I've also lost my mother any easier. So I'm sending out ton's of virtual (((HUGS))) to all the other grieving parents out there who are facing the same situation this weekend. Just take a deep breath and be easy on yourself. Remember you are no less a mom now than you were just because you're baby is with the Lord. You still carried and loved that baby and you will forever be a mom. God Bless and Happy Mother's Day...

The Pain

There is no pain as great as that of the loss of a child, someone formed in your body by your body, nurtured and fed by your body, LOVED by you from the moment you know. There has been an unusual amount of young people and babies returning "Home" way to early lately. At first I thought it was just me noticing it because of going through it but I asked our funeral director and he confirmed that I was right and then again on the news earlier this week they were going on about how many teens have died in automobile accident related deaths so far this year (something like 17 here in IN. alone already.). For the news purposes they were relating them to possibly texting and driving but of the one's I know of that had nothing to do with it. Unexpected high water was one, pure recklessness in one or two, and in many we honestly just don't know what happened. I know from other grieving mothers that many lost their children at the hands of reckless adults not paying attention to the kids on their bikes or skateboards, many others lost their children the same way I lost my Andy, due to doctor's ignorance. The list is long but not limited to just one or two causes. In short our world has become a threatening place to grow up in no matter where you live. I was writing a message to a cousin who I just learned lost her baby at 5 months gestation when something occurred to me. I started to say that I wish I could take away her pain. What I truly wish is that none of us had to go through it but if we have to see our babies go Home before us I'm not sure I'd want the pain to be gone. I realize that sounds crazy but much like the saying "The pain let's me know I'm alive", the pain is a constant dedication to the life I brought into this world and loved so much, so this is why I'm not sure I'd want the pain gone. It's more a matter of learning to live with it and recognize it for what it is-Love.