TWO WORLDS ONE HEART

God called you home early
I'll never understand why
my heart was ripped right from my chest
will my eyes ever stop crying?

Tears fall, life seemed over
until I realized
the bond between us can never be severed
Not even when one of us dies.

It simply left me with a choice to make
Live in your world or bring you back into mine
Crawl into a hole and cease to exist
or thru me let your beautiful light shine?

I know you're never far from me
We are never far apart
We may be living in separate worlds for now
But we will always share one heart.

I LOVE YOU ANDY!

Nov 4, 2013

 

 

 

I so miss that face!  I still look at his pictures and think "this cannot be real".  But we recently had to move and WOW reality is really hitting me.  I desperately wanted to move out of that house.  While there all I could think about was that my son had laid dying just feet away from me, under the same roof while I slept (which I rarely do).  How if I had done as usual he would still be here.  And the picture of his lifeless body laying across the end of his bed, peaceful but lifeless none the less.  I still wonder-Was he aware of what was happening?  Was he scared?  Did he TRY to get up and get to me?  Did he TRY to call out to me?  Did he suffer at all?  ....and so many many more questions.

 

Now that I'm out of that house though I feel like reality is smacking me in the face.  The fugues are back.  I can't look up and in my minds eye see him walking up the stairs, or raiding the frig, or coming around the corner into my work room.  His "presence" isn't in this house.  Memories?  Yes. But none in this house.  I honestly have not hurt this badly since he passed.  Our Indiana weather doesn't help.  We seem to have skipped fall and went right from summer to winter.  I have no outlet for my grief that works for me.  I NEED to ride and can't (the cold and my body don't get along).  So now I'm in a horrible flare which only compounds everything negative.

 

In a way I feel as if I am being forced to "move on" and I AM NOT READY TO MOVE ON.  I will never be ready to move on without my son.  Perhaps when/if I felt like I had accomplished something that would memorialize him.  I feel as if everyone is moving on and wants me to "just leave him in the past because he's gone now".  NO! He is part of me and as long as I am alive he will always be part of me and never be "in the past".  He had a life ahead of him that didn't get lived out and that keeps me going...to live for him.  Take that from me and I'm back to wanting to join him.

 

I don't think anyone but another mother who has lost her child can fully understand this need inside that I feel.  We are the life givers.  From the moment our children are conceived we live for them, caring for them, nurturing them, teaching, encouraging, loving, feeding, counseling, and we are suppose to protect them.  So when we face the death of a child to us we have failed.  You can tell us logically that we didn't all you want but to us, we did.  There is nearly always something we can look back in hindsight and say "If only we had...he/she would still be here"  we screwed up in the worst way a mother can.  We feel like horrible mothers.  Failures.  So some of us, many of us, search for some way to rectify that, as if we can make it up to them.  I still admittedly take issue with God because He brought Lazarus back for Mary and Martha (and because he was His good friend) but wont do the same for me.  What do I need to do to be worthy?  What did I do to deserve this punishment?  I know I am far from perfect but who isn't?  Why my son? 

 

It's like starting the grief process all over again only now everyone is telling me I shouldn't be grieving.  I really just want to disappear.



Moving

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions and to be honest I'm actually procrastinating right now.  Today is moving day.  We HAVE to be out of this house completely by midnight tonight.  The new house isn't at all ready.  They can't even get the utilities on yet and we have no running water but we have to move out. 

I thought I would only be happy about getting out of the house my son died in.  It's been so incredibly painful living in the same house I saw my son's lifeless body in for the last time before they took it away.  But now all I can think about is how it is also the last place he LIVED and the memories we made here....and I'm frozen.  I'm unable to move and start packing and moving things.  I have no idea how I'm going to get all of this done.  No idea at all.  I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.



MOTHER'S DAY

It's one of those Breath and hope you make it through it weekends. I really wish I could write a brilliant blog here on grieving the death of your child and how to survive it. I wish I could give you lots of useful tips that would take your pain away. If I ever find those tips I will share them believe me but so far there is none. We just have to choose to survive it or not and push through as painful as it gets keep pushing. You have to be selfish to an extent and shut out those who try to tell you you're doing it "wrong" or "should be over it by now" etc. I can tell you I've not met any parent who has gotten over the death of their child, just some who learn to handle it a bit more gracefully, for lack of a better word, in public. We all face the same giant demon. We all seem to handle it similarly but none exactly the same. You do what you have to do, what feels right to you. I would suggest finding a support group or others going through the same (unfortunately that isn't very hard to do). NOBODY truly understands this loss like another parent who is going through it as well. I personally have one sister and my in-laws who come very close who I'm very thankful for. My sister to seems know what she doesn't understand she understands that she couldn't possibly understand and that means so much.

For me personally, we still live in the same home my son passed in so I need to get away often. I've found places that offer the lowest rates for "vacations" (ha, I'd make a great travel agent now!) and I've purchased a recumbent bike, one that I can ride that doesn't hurt my muscles and I am on it as often as I can. The bike has been a Godsend! It's healthy and I've discovered bike trails are everywhere. Well, except that my state ranks 42nd in providing good bike trails but essentially you can travel the entire US via bike and ride primarily safe from traffic on greenways and rail trails. Giving me the opportunity to think or completely clear my mind of everything and simply take in the scenery that you just don't see from a car. I now want to see as much of the world from my bike as I can. If I have to live on this earth without my son then I want to make the most out of every single moment so when I see my son again I can tell him about all this Earth was about, meet as many people as I can and listen to their stories find out how much all of us are alike and where our differences are. And in the process talk about my children, in that way my son will live on (at least in my mind.) He definitely will if I'm able to write a book about my travels which I hope to get to do.

Still none of this makes these days like his birthday, holidays and especially Mother's Day since I've also lost my mother any easier. So I'm sending out ton's of virtual (((HUGS))) to all the other grieving parents out there who are facing the same situation this weekend. Just take a deep breath and be easy on yourself. Remember you are no less a mom now than you were just because you're baby is with the Lord. You still carried and loved that baby and you will forever be a mom. God Bless and Happy Mother's Day...

The Pain

There is no pain as great as that of the loss of a child, someone formed in your body by your body, nurtured and fed by your body, LOVED by you from the moment you know. There has been an unusual amount of young people and babies returning "Home" way to early lately. At first I thought it was just me noticing it because of going through it but I asked our funeral director and he confirmed that I was right and then again on the news earlier this week they were going on about how many teens have died in automobile accident related deaths so far this year (something like 17 here in IN. alone already.). For the news purposes they were relating them to possibly texting and driving but of the one's I know of that had nothing to do with it. Unexpected high water was one, pure recklessness in one or two, and in many we honestly just don't know what happened. I know from other grieving mothers that many lost their children at the hands of reckless adults not paying attention to the kids on their bikes or skateboards, many others lost their children the same way I lost my Andy, due to doctor's ignorance. The list is long but not limited to just one or two causes. In short our world has become a threatening place to grow up in no matter where you live. I was writing a message to a cousin who I just learned lost her baby at 5 months gestation when something occurred to me. I started to say that I wish I could take away her pain. What I truly wish is that none of us had to go through it but if we have to see our babies go Home before us I'm not sure I'd want the pain to be gone. I realize that sounds crazy but much like the saying "The pain let's me know I'm alive", the pain is a constant dedication to the life I brought into this world and loved so much, so this is why I'm not sure I'd want the pain gone. It's more a matter of learning to live with it and recognize it for what it is-Love.

Choices

When I decided to write this I couldn't decide at first whether to put it in this blog or in my TRAVELING ON ANGEL'S WINGS blog because I realized that I do have other reasons for needing to make that ride-I need to see that there is still goodness out there and I want to be an example of what I hope I have taught my children "Be the change you want to see in the world". It is because of the latter and because it affects so many children that I chose to put it here. With all the rapid "progress" I personally don't believe most people are seeing the elephant in the room these days. We have got to the point of pass the buck so bad that we blame objects, things of our own creation for the bad things that are happening. At the risk of sounding as harsh as the majority who claim to be humanitarians yet leave the human race completely out of the equation I'm going to give you some examples: 1) Right now our government is debating the question of whether to revoke our constitutional right to bear arms due to the recent outbreak of mass shootings and I'll add wanting to be more lenient on illegal immigration into our country from a country over run with violence. Let me point out to you that the shooters in these horrible acts of violence were NOT gun owners. They plotted their acts and procured their guns via illegal means. Taking away the legal trade of gun sales and ownership would not have changed the outcome in these incidents. They were going to do what they were going to do and if not with guns then they would have found another way, perhaps a more lethal way who knows? And isn't it a bit more logical to crack down harder on a known violent countries immigrants to the point where we know that only those with no known history of violence are entering our borders? (I realize that is just touching the tip of the immigration iceberg) I grew up in a house with guns that were kept on a gun rack right out in the open in the family room and I would never have thought of doing such a thing. So I ask myself why? What is the difference between them and me? 2)Traditional family values/traditional family I had a mom who stayed home and saw her job of raising us 5 kids as important. I had a place to fall, someone to catch me. Today IF a household has both parents both usually work. So many kids basically raise themselves. Kids need that place to fall. Further people don't seem to truly love their kids. Boys help make babies but they don't stick around to help raise them. Couple divorce way to easily creating lies in their heads to make themselves feel better about it when it comes to the kids "Kids adapt easily" "It's better for them than to see us fighting all the time" Well hear me on this and hear me clearly YOU TWO ADULTS ALLOWED THE RIFT BETWEEN YOU. IT IS YOUR PROBLEM NOT YOUR KIDS. YOU ADAPT! AND IF SOMEBODY HAS TO SUFFER DUE TO YUR MISTAKES WHY SHOULD IT BE YOUR KIDS? WHY SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE TO EITHER WORK THINGS OUT OR SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT AS LONG AS THERE ISN'T ABUSE INVOLVED? AFTERALL IT'S NOT THE KIDS MISTAKE. It's that dealing with those rough times that makes for true love that lasts in the long run if you want to know a secret..and you are not always going to like each other that's why we make the promise "through good times and bad" when we are at our happiest. Also included in this are those people who put money and "things" above their kids claiming "it's for the kids" when what they are really doing is robbing their children of that place to fall in order to have an excess of "things" that are not necessary. And last in this point families no longer find it their responsibility to take care of their family. I'm talking extended family. Not so long ago and still in many other countries with lower divorce rates extended families help each other, often even living together feeding into the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" 3) Value of relationship and the person is disappearing rapidly. If you are a Christian the Bible tells us from beginning to end that we are created to help and love one another. Yet some Christians will tell people that God wants us to rely only on Him. I often wonder if these people have ever picked up and actually read a Bible? We are not to judge others just love them and help them..even our enemies and nonbelievers. We are to "weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice". Today what do you hear? "I've got my own problems to worry about" "I don't want any more drama in my life" "It's not MY problem" "He/she has too much baggage" "This should be an equal partnership" "Too needy" "You need to learn to do it for yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you." INDEPENDENCE parents even wash their hands of their kids as soon as legally possible...that parental love bond is disappearing and when that's gone..I'm not sure there is any hope left. Since losing Andy I've noticed how for most life goes on as normal...as if he never existed and it occurred to me how even grieving has changed. Not so long ago a family was EXPECTED to grieve for a prolonged period of time during which friends or servants (who dressed to sow their mourning as well) took care of them and it was taboo for them not too. And that time was indefinite when the loss was a child. Now employers don't even allow enough time off to make arrangements and have the services let alone handle all the business that comes with losing a family member and then having time to grieve. Some people think families should "get over it and move on" very quickly..which if they had ever experienced a deep loving relationship they should be able to understand that is impossible. And that brings me to my last point and it's many tangents. People used to show respect for the dead and their family. It was considered wrong to speak ill of the dead. I can't tell you how many rumors I've heard being spread about how my Andy died all because it involved pain medication. These people don't know the truth and they are destroying a young man's reputation who is no longer here to defend himself. But they do this to people who are alive as well. The mere mention of a potentially addictive medication leads our society in general to label anyone taking one of those medications as "an addict". "just say no" has done so much more harm than good. I'm not saying there isn't a problem but the answer we've adopted has destroyed lives as much if not more than the drugs. What is needed is straight forward honest and detailed education about these medications and let me tell you, you won't get it even from many doctors. Even specialists in the area are lacking. If they weren't Andy would still be with us today. First of all, when you truly need a pain medication for example, you do not get a buzz or high from it. If you do then it's time to cut back because THAT is when you risk addiction and it's true addiction is hell to beat. They need to know how different drugs work in the body..how some are not felt instantly and if you keep taking more you will die. They need to know dosage is very important because your body produces it's own natural pain relief just sometimes it doesn'[ produce enough and taking them when you don't need the can put too much in your body, it can cause your body to stop producing what you need, and it effects the chemicals in the brain making it difficult for you to experience joy..which is often the cause of addicts going for that bigger high or stronger drug. And while I'm at it, ask yourself this-Why do we automatically consider addicts "criminals"?? They are usually victims way or another who need help but when society labels them a criminal or social deviant and all the stigma that goes with that we make it next to impossible for them to get the help they need. Andy was terrified of talking to his doctor about his symptoms with his medication because with a previous pain management doctor I questioned why he would switch him to a much stronger benzo that had him non functional even sitting, that had was less of a muscle relaxer which was what he was taking it for (back spasms), and had a much higher street value putting us at a higher risk to be broken into. His response "I wasn't aware you were concerned about him selling his medication." Excuse my language but WTF?! I never said anything about that! I was concerned because the only way it controlled his spasms was by drugging him up so badly he would nod off in mid text to friends and his gf! It made no logical sense. (part of why we left that doctor...which gets you accused of "doctor shopping". I don't know why that is a bad thing?) Anther time he had just had a procedure which to put simply is basically spinal tap that leaked. His neurologist at the time told me to take him back to the ER at that hospital which I did. That ER doctor made things incredibly worse. He wouldn't listen to any of us, wouldn't call radiology or the neurologist. He had him sitting up, standing, trying to walk, bend etc..constantly insisting that he was just there for drugs. Why? Because he was a teenage boy who happened to come in on a Friday evening. That's all. That cost Andy a week of the worst spinal headache ever and when they eventually had to do a blood patch (also very painful) the doctor who performed it told me that Andy had the worst leak he had EVER seen. Had I not been more worried about my son than anything That man would have found himself in court! The point is that doctor made a choice a prejudicial choice that caused harm to my son. As did the other pain management doctor and another which caused great distrust in doctors and hopelessness of ever being healed. People, even people he thought were friends spoke about him as if he were an addict and that was why he died. Perhaps if they had bothered to visit through al of this maybe they would have known the truth? But I guess they only liked him when he could go do things...fair weathered friends. Perhaps if we made the choice to practice what Jesus taught Love God above all and love they neighbor as thy self, care for our sick, widowed and elderly. Treat women gently (as the weaker vessel) and value relationship (If you need me to give examples on that I will), stop judging and "hold coals over wrong doers head" by treating them with excess kindness. Maybe if we made those choices progress wouldn't be so bad. Just a thought.

One Last Goodbye

At this time last year I was getting ready to go see your face for the last time ever on this Earth.  I would touch you one last time and watch them close the casket that said "I'm going home" fittingly and your brothers fighting back their own tears, carry you to the hearse then into the mausoleum as your final words were read.  And then we watched over you as they placed you gently into your body into it's tomb.

This is still available only to my brain and shut off to my heart.  My heart still cannot accept that that day has taken place. Perhaps because I split in two and one of me is with you. I love you my son and you are and always will be part of me.