FOOTBALL

This has been such an emotional week.  We finally settled with the life insurance company and we able to tie up everything with the funeral home and arrange for his name and such to be put on his tomb.  The thing is we had the choice of emblems and such if we wanted one to add to his name.  I chose only a picture of him. I thought about it and thought about it....two things a scripture verse which they didn't have and a football.  Football.  He loved the sport with all of his heart.  We found out during the course of all his tests that he had played with a broken arm and other injuries.  He even hoped to be able to return to the game once they fixed his back against our wishes.  We thought he was nuts of course after all he had gone through due to a football injury to want to go back to the game but that's how much he loved it.  

So why did I choose no football?  Because to ME football is a fraud.  All the years he played we were all about how a football team is a "family" and they boys, they believed it.  In their hearts they are a family.  But that's as far as it goes.  Beyond that high school team that was so small they had to play all teams and were so exhausted but never gave up it was and is a fraud.  He (WE) believed it about all football.  How foolish we were.  We didn't hear one word of condolence from ANY of the coaching staff from his high school team or any of his team from the Little Giants of Wabash College at all.  Once he was injured he was out of the "family".  I sat with him constantly all the time he spent in the hospital and nobody came to visit or called. And when he passed I've yet to hear one single word from any of them even when some of them have walked right past me and looked me straight in the eyes.

Then tonight I watch how inspiring Tim TeBow is.  How he took a young man who got injured playing and had to have part of his leg amputated under his wing.  Publicity is all it is.  I wrote to so many players, including Tim Tebow,  hoping one would just give Andy a call or write him to help get his spirits up, help keep him in that fighting frame of mind.  Not one responded.  NOT ONE SINGLE FOOTBALL ADULT TRULY HAS THE FOOTBALL FAMILY MENTALITY THAT ULTIMATELY MY SON GAVE HIS LIFE FOR.  I was told that even when approached with a petition to retire his number by a student I don't recall our sports director refused, flaming fires of a horrible rumor that has been spread.  When my husband questioned him he said he couldn't because they didn't have enough numbers.  Hello...we have a small team and I know of players who's numbers were not being used.  Please do not insult my intelligence. (And yes they were in the correct number range) So aside from going for a quarter of a few home games to support THE BOYS I have not been able to watch any more football than that since he passed and I don't think I will ever again.  I didn't want Andy playing football initially.  My Dad talked me into it and admittedly my perspective changed.  I saw it as a sport that taught the ultimate importance of teamwork, bonding, individual responsibility, dedication  and the important of working your tail off if you really want it bad enough.  Now I see that it is all about greed and coaches ego's and schools reputations.  If  I'm wrong then where was all his football "family'?

No everything I *thought* football was I'm actually seeing in band yet you don't see crowds coming to the band competitions cheering them on...go figure...what a messed up world.

EIGHT MONTHS GONE

Eight months have passed now since you left this world, since I last  heard you laugh  or saw you smile.  The world goes on but like for you, part of me stopped living last January and also like with you I can't seem to ever bring it back.

Yet, unlike you, I am not living in paradise.  I'm left here with heartache, missing you.  So many thoughts and questions running through my head, left unanswered, so many loose ends left yet to be tied.  What exactly happened that night?  I know what I do know so I know that the description of you on the autopsy report is not the only mistake  they made.  Therefore I don't know for sure what did happen.  Could I have prevented your death?  Were you scared?  Did you want me and I wasn't there?  Are you angry with me?  DID I LET YOU DOWN?  Why did you have to go so young?  Does God hate me?  Is that why?  What did I do?  There HAS to be some purpose to all of this because even now I mourn alone with just a couple of exceptions and a couple of your "brothers".  Not one adult has stopped by to see how I am, how we are.  I guess that's probably for the best because I'm not much for conversation these days.  The boys come by to watch football with me and I can't .  I can't watch Sunday Football(or Thursday or Monday Night) without you.  There has been no Chili on Sunday and Touchdown Teddy hasn't been moved this season.  I should have buried him with you.

Sometimes I think how easy it would be to take a few too many of my pills, perhaps wash them down with a strong alcoholic drink and just go to sleep...wake up where you are.  No one here would miss me.  You can't miss someone who you already don't have in your life.  What stops me?  Your sister.  For one I honestly don't know what it would do to her.  She keeps her feelings to herself.  I admit I take it personally.  I try so hard to talk to her.  I can't figure out why you and I could talk so openly , so easily and yet she doesn't trust me with her feelings.  Still selfishly I want to be here to see the young woman she becomes.  Will she marry?  Have children?  I wish she could see herself through my eyes and see just how beautiful and talented she truly is but she thinks I just feel that way because I am her mom.  That is so not true.  You always knew that I'd be upfront with you why doesn't she?  And there's Kyle.  He's really been put through hell by his mom and Tim but Andy you would be so impressed with the young man he is becoming.  He's a hard worker, has an amazing new girlfriend, has been holding down a good paying job despite hating getting up EARLY (and even going to work very sick...his "parents" dropped him from their insurance just to be spiteful)  He is trying really hard to go to college even though doing so is getting him served with restraining orders...yes by you guessed it...his "parents".  He doesn't even go around them and they are doing all they can to make his life as difficult as possible.  You know how you have to have our (parents) tax info for the FASFA to go to college right?  Well they refuse to give him theirs and they refuse to sign papers to emmancipate him...nice huh?  What hurts so bad is that people like that, who could care less about their kids have them if they would just love them like they should while I don't have you anymore. :(  If we ever get in a position finacially where we can, we will see to it that Kyle goes to college.  We've already discussed it.  As long as he keeps his grades up, goes to class and takes it seriously and we believe he will...we will pay for it if we are ever in a position to be able to.  Lucas is moving to Texas.  This worries me but there are some good community colleges where he is moving to and he says he wants to get into one.  Please watch over him.  I'm really going to miss him.  In a way I feel like I'm losing another son.  And he's dealing with so much, he REALLY needs the support system he has here at this time.  May God be with him at all times and give him the best and loudest guardian angel He has.

Don't worrry.  I'm not going to do what Iwas talking about.  I just think about it.  I know Dad and Cat are having just as hard of a time living here in this community and with the lack of support because even Cat wants to move and you know how dead set she was against it before.  Even when we have tried to give back via the scholarship nobody showed and we put so much into that walk-a-thon.  Not one of your coaches has even sent a card of condolence let alone spoke to us when essentially you gave your life that football team.  And with all you put into that school only Mr Huff and Mrs Baily showed any sympathy at all.  Part of me keeps telling myself that it's not for them it's for the kids but none of the kids showed up either so if they don't care why not put the effort towards someone or a group who WILL?  I felt like I'd disappoint you if I changed that but you aren't here are you?  So I doubt that you care as long as I"m doing something good...and that I will do because that was who you were and how you were. (I do intend to do something for the band..I don't know what, how or when yet but they have been very good to us...it is the least I can do.  And I don't want to see any school lose their music program.  Music is the universal language that speaks to the soul..it's too important)

This has been nice.  Almost like I"m hearing you.  Like we are talking like we used to!  I've missed this!  And yes, I hear you on the topic of politics.  I'm avoiding that deliberately.  I don't want to get you and Pappy in trouble up there...I KNOW your tempers when it comes to politics!  Besides, I've the feeling something big is about to blow up and I"m just praying like never before that God's hand be upon us and that it be quick and painless.  You know what I mean...what a GLORIOUS DAY!!!!!  Besides, I don't think you miss politics now all that much.  You might just miss our discussions.  Afterall what use would you have to concern yourself with all that now other than for good ole conversation?

Baby, I miss you so much.  If I let you down in anyway please forgive me?  And if my pain hurts you now forgive me.  I can't help it.  Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy.  I don't know what is real and what is not.  How could you be gone?  Sometimes I wonder if these periods when I "zone out" are my brain shutting down because the stress/trauma is too much (as science says) or is that maybe when my spirit is with you?  If it's the latter I sure with I could remember.  Wouldn't that stink, to be getting to actually spend time with the other half of my heart as requested but not allowed to remember!

Well, I don't want to end this conversation but I have to.  I have things that have to get done.  Know that I will always love you!

Love,
Mom

P.S.
Any chance of my eagle today????

BEWARE OF ONLINE SCAMS!!!!!

I know this probably is kicking my own self since I've asked for your help with the scholarship fund and the fundraising ride but this info needs to be passed on.  Personally I've always been skeptical of doing business with someone I can't see right in front of me.  That's just me.  If I'm going to buy a product I want to SEE it and if I am going to give my money to someone I prefer to do it in person or I thoroughly check out the business first. 

Well...circumstances being what the are with still battling MetLife for the life insurance and all the medical bills...everyone wanting their money NOW my husband felt pressured to do something about it and he had recieved a letter about being preapproved for a loan.  So he called them thinking he would consolidate our bills and be able to pay off some of these.  For the record the company is called USA CASH ADVANCE.  If they contact you contact the authorities...they are scam artists.  Now we sit here completely out of money/  I don't know how we will eat the rest of the week,  NSF charges are piling up due to automatic bill payments that the money isn't there for and I am going without medications I need

First they wanted a fee wired to them which my husband did.  Then they came back saying something about taxes in Indiana and that they needed another $260.00 but he assured my husband that the money would immediately be in our bank account...I was against it but my husband is more trusting than I am and went through with it.  Of course the money was never deposited...and after excuse after excuse we were finally told that due to a technical problem they couldn't do it and they couldn't refund our money either.  When we said we would contact a lawyer he said " You seriously want to pay out all that money for $190.00?" (The amount of the first payment)  I"m thinking Hello you idiot!  First of all we could go through small claims ($25 for all of that money...ummm..yes!  But you are criminials and we have free legal assistance for this kind of thing (one good thing the union does provide)...guess what you are in for.  That is if they can track them down.  Scammers are notorious for changing their name and location to avoid exactly this.

I'm telling you, I am sooooo far beyond my stress limit.  And now I truly do believe God hates me.  Sit back and judge me if you wish but until you walk in my shoes for a few months I don't expect you to understand.  My life is a living nightmare.

PRIORITIES

 

You've heard it said

don't measure your life by years

because those can just go to waste

Instead measure your life by moments

That take your breath away.

 

For whether young or old

It will matter not

When our time does come

how many years we kept a spotless house

but rather who felt welcome in our home.

 

Our children won't remember

the name brand clothes

you worked so hard to afford

They will remember though the feelings

when they felt loved and adored.

 

Parents will forget all those little spats

arguments come and go

but never will they forget the times

you told them thank you

or how much you love them so.

 

So always keep your priorities straight

Write them in your heart and mind

God, Family and home come first

And the rest will fall in line...

Blaaaah...

Every year at this time I get this same blasted cold usually landing me in the hospital.  I *thought at first that I was going to slide by this year but nooooo...then I thought "Hey at least I'm staying out of the hospital and recovering at home"  Well...let's hope...now I seem to be backsliding.  Ugh...I hate this.

I know what it is.  Until losing Andy this week would normally be the roughest week of my year.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of when both my mom AND dad passed and I miss them incredibly bad.  Until losing Andy I didn't think there was a worse pain one could feel. (BOY WAS I EVER WRONG) But stress makes my illness flare and this is just a really stressful time, I'm already missing Andy more than ever with football season upon us I'm feeling his absence big time add that to the usual extreme stress of this week and...there's our answer to the backslide in my health.

I wish I could be on my bike somewhere warm (not hot) and just ride, take in all the scenery....either along the coast or some where the leave are starting to change.  Be the "Forrest Gump" of cycling for a while.  As long as I can make it to warmer climates before the winter cold sets in I'd be good.

I did want to thank everyone who retweeted my blog about my fundraising ride.  Unfortunately as of yet there have been no offers by anyone to sponsor me and at this point a long ride will likely have to wait til spring if health and funds don't allow me to head out real soon.  It's hard not to take the lack of support in first the walk-a-thon and now this personally.  The sad part is, it's not for us.  I have several other places I can put my own money to have my son memorialized.  We chose the scholarship to help others but if others aren't interested then why waste my and my volunteers time for something that the people it is for aren't even wanting?  I could be working to help extend a rail trail or bring peoples attention to the large number of children who we are losing daily. ( I was astonished)  I guess we will just see and do the best we can.

CATCH UP



I don't believe I caught everyone up on the latest?    I was looking over the autopsy report a week or so ago and relized that it could be some one elses report!  From the very start under the description the only thing they had correct was 20 yr old male. It said he had brown hair and brown eyes.  He obviously had blonde hair and very blue eyes.  They said he had no scars.  Look at the first picture on his right cheek.  He has had that scar since he was born.  It was from a forceps delivery and he was always selfconscious about it.  That's aside from minor scars he had obtained over the years playing sports.  It had his weight wrong and Possibly his height.  And they had him dressed in the wrong clothes (which were never returned to us)  We were also told that legally they had no reason and should not have made my husband leave the room.  (Me either technically but my emotional state made it understandable somewhat).

DIFFICULT REALITY

It's been over 7 months now since Andy went home and left me here to walk this Earth without him.  I chose the picture I did to open this blog for a purpose as painful as it is.  I look at Andy's pictures every day nnd all  can think of is HOW and WHY?  Lately I've sat and looked at the people around me, from newborns to the elderly and been both in awe at the miracle of life and angry "why are these people alive and my Andy not?"  I see them laughing and smiling and realize that they have not a clue just how fragile their very being is.  I think about how each one of them has a story, even the newborns and a story yet to unfold that they probably don't even give a second thought to.  A life story that is for the most part, out of their hands.  Sure they have their free will to make choices but so does each and every other person on this Earth and every choice effects someone else whether we are aware of it or not.  What may seem like the simplest of kind gestures to one may mean the world to another and what may be well intended but poorly thought out can tear an other's heart apart.  It shines light great and bright on why forgiveness, compassion, refraining from judging another are repeated over and over in the Bible and most Holy Books.  We are perfectly human, capable of love but incapable of loving everyone completely and without flaw.  In other words even when our hearts are in the right place we are going to hurt others along the way.  We can only hope that they will extend us those gifts.  Admittedly sometimes that can be very difficult.  But for Christians (my belief, therefore the only one I can truly speak for) we have already been extended that gift in it's greatest form from Jesus.  Realizing that others are just as human as we are and going to make mistakes, even intentional ones because they think differently, have lived a different life, been taught differently...any number of circumstances can cause this is so important.

I personally think that a key that many books and sermon's leave out when it comes to forgiveness is love.  It takes love to forgive and love is a gift we give it is not or should not be conditional or earned (agape love) .  "Love covers a multitude of sins"  "Love your neighbor as yourself"  "..The greatest of these is love".  While I am no Bible Scholar, when I try to recall what I have read in the Gospels it seems to me they are a guide for us on how WE SHOULD LIVE OUR OWN LIVES not how we should try and change others, aside from being the best example of God's love that we can be.  We are even told to "love our enemies"  We are told if we have a grievance with someone to tell them.  That puts the ball in their court so to speak and that's the best we can do and then let it go.  At that point they know they have hurt you, if by chance they didn't realize it, and  they can make their choice to set things right or not.  Loving and forgiving does not mean that they will not face the consequences of their actions or that we must continue in the hurtful or abusive relationship.  It means we realize they are human too and will make mistakes just like us, it means we will not close the door.  And the difficult part is understanding the difference between justice and revenge and that we can rest in knowing justice will hopefully be served but vengeance most definitely will...BY GOD.

Let's look at an extreme case, say a man has murdered your child, you can bring him before the courts for justice.  You can have your chance to let him know the hurt he has imposed upon you and your family.  NOTHING he can do will take that pain away, I can tell you that right now.  But he has a choice in his actions, he can admit to his wrong doings and apologize and do what justice calls for to serve his penance or he can show no remorse at all.  (Keep in mind only God knows what is going on in his heart) At this point you must let it go.  If it helps try to imagine what in his life might have led him to make such choices, sometimes this helps us sympathize.  At which point you might find yourself pitying the person because the punishment he will face from God is so much far greater than anything you could have even imagined imposing upon him, especially had he shown remorse.  Even if he comes to know God before his time here on Earth is done and he is allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven the guilt and shame he will face and live with from the time he is saved til he goes home I would imagine would be so extreme as to be enough punishment in and of itself.

What about when it's God we are angry with?  How could God allow my loved one to suffer and die from this.....?  This one I can answer from experience!  God is our example!  He understands our pain and is compassionate and though day after day I may be angry God is still there saying "I understand and I'm so sorry you are hurting" and He tries to put people in our lives to help us through our grief.   People who will be His arms to hug me, strangers who will say just the right thing out of the blue with no knowledge that they are being used as His messenger.  And He doesn't give up.  God never says "Look I said I was sorry what more do you want!"  Sometimes it's hard to see all He is doing to try and comfort us because our pain is so great and He even understands that.  And the greatest part is He is caring for our loved one as Royalty, as the son/daughter of a King that they are and promises us that He will reunite us with them and treat us the same way in time.  Really, when I think about it, God is taking the heat for Satan just to help us and comfort us even when we are being angry towards Him because it is written that it is God's will that NONE shall perish but rather all shall have ever lasting life.  How much more loving can one get?

You might be saying "He could have saved my child and then none of this would even be an issue".  I know that's what I am thinking but then I picture my son being treated as a prince, no pain, no sorrow...in paradise.  I can't even picture paradise!  If God had asked me first would I have denied my son that for my own comfort of having him with me?  How selfish would that have been?  My only lingering question is was my son ready to move on?  I can't answer that.  Would you be?  If given the choice between continuing life here on Earth in our imperfect society, in pain  or eternal life in paradise treated as royalty with Our Lord Jesus and loved ones and knowing that our other loved ones will be joining us in the blink of an eye....what would you choose?