Blaaaah...

Every year at this time I get this same blasted cold usually landing me in the hospital.  I *thought at first that I was going to slide by this year but nooooo...then I thought "Hey at least I'm staying out of the hospital and recovering at home"  Well...let's hope...now I seem to be backsliding.  Ugh...I hate this.

I know what it is.  Until losing Andy this week would normally be the roughest week of my year.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of when both my mom AND dad passed and I miss them incredibly bad.  Until losing Andy I didn't think there was a worse pain one could feel. (BOY WAS I EVER WRONG) But stress makes my illness flare and this is just a really stressful time, I'm already missing Andy more than ever with football season upon us I'm feeling his absence big time add that to the usual extreme stress of this week and...there's our answer to the backslide in my health.

I wish I could be on my bike somewhere warm (not hot) and just ride, take in all the scenery....either along the coast or some where the leave are starting to change.  Be the "Forrest Gump" of cycling for a while.  As long as I can make it to warmer climates before the winter cold sets in I'd be good.

I did want to thank everyone who retweeted my blog about my fundraising ride.  Unfortunately as of yet there have been no offers by anyone to sponsor me and at this point a long ride will likely have to wait til spring if health and funds don't allow me to head out real soon.  It's hard not to take the lack of support in first the walk-a-thon and now this personally.  The sad part is, it's not for us.  I have several other places I can put my own money to have my son memorialized.  We chose the scholarship to help others but if others aren't interested then why waste my and my volunteers time for something that the people it is for aren't even wanting?  I could be working to help extend a rail trail or bring peoples attention to the large number of children who we are losing daily. ( I was astonished)  I guess we will just see and do the best we can.

CATCH UP



I don't believe I caught everyone up on the latest?    I was looking over the autopsy report a week or so ago and relized that it could be some one elses report!  From the very start under the description the only thing they had correct was 20 yr old male. It said he had brown hair and brown eyes.  He obviously had blonde hair and very blue eyes.  They said he had no scars.  Look at the first picture on his right cheek.  He has had that scar since he was born.  It was from a forceps delivery and he was always selfconscious about it.  That's aside from minor scars he had obtained over the years playing sports.  It had his weight wrong and Possibly his height.  And they had him dressed in the wrong clothes (which were never returned to us)  We were also told that legally they had no reason and should not have made my husband leave the room.  (Me either technically but my emotional state made it understandable somewhat).

DIFFICULT REALITY

It's been over 7 months now since Andy went home and left me here to walk this Earth without him.  I chose the picture I did to open this blog for a purpose as painful as it is.  I look at Andy's pictures every day nnd all  can think of is HOW and WHY?  Lately I've sat and looked at the people around me, from newborns to the elderly and been both in awe at the miracle of life and angry "why are these people alive and my Andy not?"  I see them laughing and smiling and realize that they have not a clue just how fragile their very being is.  I think about how each one of them has a story, even the newborns and a story yet to unfold that they probably don't even give a second thought to.  A life story that is for the most part, out of their hands.  Sure they have their free will to make choices but so does each and every other person on this Earth and every choice effects someone else whether we are aware of it or not.  What may seem like the simplest of kind gestures to one may mean the world to another and what may be well intended but poorly thought out can tear an other's heart apart.  It shines light great and bright on why forgiveness, compassion, refraining from judging another are repeated over and over in the Bible and most Holy Books.  We are perfectly human, capable of love but incapable of loving everyone completely and without flaw.  In other words even when our hearts are in the right place we are going to hurt others along the way.  We can only hope that they will extend us those gifts.  Admittedly sometimes that can be very difficult.  But for Christians (my belief, therefore the only one I can truly speak for) we have already been extended that gift in it's greatest form from Jesus.  Realizing that others are just as human as we are and going to make mistakes, even intentional ones because they think differently, have lived a different life, been taught differently...any number of circumstances can cause this is so important.

I personally think that a key that many books and sermon's leave out when it comes to forgiveness is love.  It takes love to forgive and love is a gift we give it is not or should not be conditional or earned (agape love) .  "Love covers a multitude of sins"  "Love your neighbor as yourself"  "..The greatest of these is love".  While I am no Bible Scholar, when I try to recall what I have read in the Gospels it seems to me they are a guide for us on how WE SHOULD LIVE OUR OWN LIVES not how we should try and change others, aside from being the best example of God's love that we can be.  We are even told to "love our enemies"  We are told if we have a grievance with someone to tell them.  That puts the ball in their court so to speak and that's the best we can do and then let it go.  At that point they know they have hurt you, if by chance they didn't realize it, and  they can make their choice to set things right or not.  Loving and forgiving does not mean that they will not face the consequences of their actions or that we must continue in the hurtful or abusive relationship.  It means we realize they are human too and will make mistakes just like us, it means we will not close the door.  And the difficult part is understanding the difference between justice and revenge and that we can rest in knowing justice will hopefully be served but vengeance most definitely will...BY GOD.

Let's look at an extreme case, say a man has murdered your child, you can bring him before the courts for justice.  You can have your chance to let him know the hurt he has imposed upon you and your family.  NOTHING he can do will take that pain away, I can tell you that right now.  But he has a choice in his actions, he can admit to his wrong doings and apologize and do what justice calls for to serve his penance or he can show no remorse at all.  (Keep in mind only God knows what is going on in his heart) At this point you must let it go.  If it helps try to imagine what in his life might have led him to make such choices, sometimes this helps us sympathize.  At which point you might find yourself pitying the person because the punishment he will face from God is so much far greater than anything you could have even imagined imposing upon him, especially had he shown remorse.  Even if he comes to know God before his time here on Earth is done and he is allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven the guilt and shame he will face and live with from the time he is saved til he goes home I would imagine would be so extreme as to be enough punishment in and of itself.

What about when it's God we are angry with?  How could God allow my loved one to suffer and die from this.....?  This one I can answer from experience!  God is our example!  He understands our pain and is compassionate and though day after day I may be angry God is still there saying "I understand and I'm so sorry you are hurting" and He tries to put people in our lives to help us through our grief.   People who will be His arms to hug me, strangers who will say just the right thing out of the blue with no knowledge that they are being used as His messenger.  And He doesn't give up.  God never says "Look I said I was sorry what more do you want!"  Sometimes it's hard to see all He is doing to try and comfort us because our pain is so great and He even understands that.  And the greatest part is He is caring for our loved one as Royalty, as the son/daughter of a King that they are and promises us that He will reunite us with them and treat us the same way in time.  Really, when I think about it, God is taking the heat for Satan just to help us and comfort us even when we are being angry towards Him because it is written that it is God's will that NONE shall perish but rather all shall have ever lasting life.  How much more loving can one get?

You might be saying "He could have saved my child and then none of this would even be an issue".  I know that's what I am thinking but then I picture my son being treated as a prince, no pain, no sorrow...in paradise.  I can't even picture paradise!  If God had asked me first would I have denied my son that for my own comfort of having him with me?  How selfish would that have been?  My only lingering question is was my son ready to move on?  I can't answer that.  Would you be?  If given the choice between continuing life here on Earth in our imperfect society, in pain  or eternal life in paradise treated as royalty with Our Lord Jesus and loved ones and knowing that our other loved ones will be joining us in the blink of an eye....what would you choose?

WOULD YOU STAND BEHIND ME?

Many of you know me and know my health background.  Suffice it to say that what I am offering is a labor of love because it will be VERY difficult for me.  I have a neuromuscular disease and am  in constant pain among other symptoms.  We tried the walk-a-thon and  while we had a few extremely dedicated walkers and a couple very generous donors over all the turnout was byoned disappointing.  I don't want to ask volunteers to go through all that my wonderful volunteers did before for nothing.  So this one I'm putting all on myself IF anyone cares enough to sponsor me or offer pledges ...I will load up my camping gear and supplies and set out on my bike and ride just as far as I possibly can.

I need to raise $19000 to pay for all funeral expenses not including a flower vase and the remainder needed to open the Annual Andrew James Hensley Memorial Scholarship  I need $13,800 for funeral expensese soon or it will go to collections. (A big thank you to Sunset Memory Gardens for being so patient and helping us in every way possible) and roughly $6000 more for a student to begin receiving the scholarship.  Of course the more we can raise for the scholarship the more help the student who recieves it each year will benefit from. 

I will post all of my expenses that come from any of the funds such as lodging, food, or repairs and I will be thrifty.  I will also post short videos, pictures and short blogs from my phone when possible.  And I am more than willing to wear clothing to advertise for any major sponsors or promote your product in any reasonable way.

My one request is this...I have only one child left and she is everything to me  Sept 13 this year is her Sweet 16 birthday and especially considering all our family has been through I ask that somehow, someway I get to celebrate her birthday with her even if I am still on the road.  I have got to make her 16th birthday one she will remember and bring a big smile to her face.

Between Google, facebook and Twitter are there enough people out there who will help spread this around and help me get enough people to pledge and sponsor me make it possible for me to make this happen?  If you will help commit to helping me in this endeavor please contact me with the amount you are willing to pledge or sponsor for and any requirements for your sponosorship.

If you wish to go ahead and donate you may do so here:

SUPPORTING A MOM'S LABOR OF LOVE AND HELPING BUILD A BETTER TOMORROW THROUGH THE ANDREW JAMES HENSLEY MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND

Please do let me know who you are, the amount of your donation and your mailing address so that I can personally thank you.  If you wish to get involved but wait to see if I have enough people stand behind me to make the ride worthwhile then please write me and let me know and I will update on here if I have any supporters and when I plan on setting out and request your donations.

I am completely new to this and always open to suggestions to make this better...thank you!

DO NOT TRUST DOCTORS!

I had it explained to me today why we should not trust doctors.  This is not to say that all doctor's are untrustworthy but we cannot take the risk.  Doing so cost me my son's life.  You see, at least here in Indiana, the way the laws are set up for wrongful death and malpractice law suits only 13% of the cases filed end up winning.  Cases that are expensive and lengthy which generally the lawyers only get paid a percentage of the WINNINGS and nothing if you lose.  In Indiana you basically have to go to 'court"  before three, what else?  Doctors and one lawyer before you can even officially file your case in a real court and if something is not presented in that more or less make believe court then it cannot be presented in the real court.  Generally if you don't make it past the make believe court you done anyway.

Now, as in our case, if something is written in that tiny print in the package insert with the medication, you know the one, the one nobody reads then you are expected to know it regardless of whether your doctor told you differently or not.  Yes, sure you pay him over $100 per visit.   Yes sure he is suppose to be the professional you are suppose to be able to trust.  Yes, of course that is why we go to doctors, to be advised as to what to do for our medical issues.  But guess what!  They don't have to tell you the truth!  They can give you instructions that can kill you but if the info is in that tiny print you are expected to know it and they get to walk away as though nothing ever happened AND still charge you for it!

This is what I learned today...straight from the lawyers mouth...face to face...

Learning Quickly the Hard Way (Please excuse typos..computer won't allow me to correct)

Why do we have specialists?  Why must we go to doctors for treatment if we know what the treatment will be?  I have this belief, a belief not everyone agrees with, some even think it's just mean, unfair and horrible but I do not believe that everyone should go to college.  Now before you get all upset about this hear me out.  In dealing with businesses it has become obvious that WHAT your degree is in is insignificant so why would it be important?  We have young men and women paying to attend college who are good with their hands, who are artists and musicians, authors etc  Careers where a college class might be beneficial but a degree totally unecessary.  Author's for instance, they attend college to learn proper grammer but when writing a book more often than not that proper grammer is going to make the book much less interesting.  What makes the book interesting is when the author writes in the dialect or slang of the characters within the book.  It's the same with musicians.  When it comes to artistic value, the value is in the hands of the person who does or does not appreciate the work.  Some love Picasso while other's don't get his work at all...other's love Thomas Kincaid...while still others will pay millions for the art of an elephant!  Basically requiring a college degree just for the sake of the degree is causing true craftmanship to become nearly extinct while major factories who have found quick and cheap ways of constructing items in bulk put them out of business.

And the "buyer beware" attitude is enabling this even further.  With the recent death of our son, one of the reasons some lawyers have given for not taking his case for wrongful death is that despite what his pain management specialist told us, and we trusted him, the correct information was in small print in the package insert.  I ask you, if you have asked your doctor directly and think he has answered your questions why would you read the insert?  How many of you read the package insert if your questions have already been answered?

I've learned that YOU must take pictures, keep all receipts, inventory, have detailed contracts etc for any business deal you enter into or you will likely get screwed.  Do not trust professionals, friends, or even what seems to be the simplest of transactions....do not even trust police, doctors or hospitals etc.

I have a court order in my divorce decree from Andy's father stating that he is to carry health insurance on him whether I do or not and that he is responsible for all out of pocket medical expenses but have yet to find a lawyer who will fight to uphold that court order. (although up until now I admit I have not pursued it greatly) Our STATE law requires automatically that he pay for all out of pocket over 4% and still he has not only been allowed to fall more than $15000 behind but he has never been required to pay a dime on any medical bills, nor has he been required to pay for any part of our son's funeral while he did collect life insurance on him.

Meanwhile our life insurance that we have through my husband's work assured us the day we made the funeral arrangements in a recorded phone conversation that their computer showed that everything was "good to go" for such and such amount.  We went through the funeral and weeks later they notified the funeral home (not us) that they were denying the claim due to failure on Andy's part to sign a statement of health.  Now our policy is available to us on the computer and at no time UNTIL AFTER THIS POINT was there any mention of a statement of health being needed and now suddenly there was a note (not where it should have been..in my husbands profile message box) stating that He and I needed to sign this statement.  It also stated that the policy would not be activated untill all necessary paperwork was recieved...and they had been collecting premiums on us from day one.  When questioned on this they dropped it and said it was a mistake and we would get out check in a week or so.  My husband called weekly and got the same response until at last they gave us a date.  That date came and there was no check so my husband called once again to be told that they claim was denied due to that statement of health but that they would be willing to refund the premiums we had paid.  We said no, that we would pursue this with a lawyer.  (Next screw over) We made an appointment and spoke with a lawyer that came with high reccommendations from a friend.  He seemed wonderful, caring, compassionatest his son 4 years prior and went on about how he could relate.  We signed papers agreeing to hire him on to represent us, agreeing to his fees etc.  Then he even hugged me and said, and I quote "Don't you worry little mamma, you have enough on your plate.  We will get your son's name up there where it belongs (referring to on his tomb).  You let me handle it from here."  Which we did.  We got him all the information he requested.  He said he sent them a letter and they had 1 month to respond.  If they settled great if not then we would go on to court.  A month went by and we heard nothing.  We tried calling him and left messages.  He never returned our phone calls.  Finally my husband went to his office and was handed our file with a business apology "I'm just too busy to take on your case at this time."  Mind you our case is time sensitive.  Now I have MORE to worry about!

I found out that a petition was being circulated to have Andy's football number retired and a large number of people had signed it.  But due to rumors, the athletic's director at our small school...a school where Andy gave a great deal too, refused to retire it based on the "circumstances surrounding his death".  WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES!?  He had been in touch with us.  We have been trying to raise money for a memorial scholarship for students from the school.  Why?  I ask myself that now since the schoo is turning their back on us like this.  My son died from an accidental fentanyl overdose..a prescribed medication that has been recalled at least 3 times already and killed over 120 patients USING IT AS THEIR DOCTORS TOLD THEM. The patches are defective and the doctors are not disclosing all the proper information and using it improperly.  I could go on and on but first and foremost Andy should have never even been put on that patch due to severe central sleep apnea...THAT IS IN LARGE PRINT IN THE INSERT...so shouldn't the doctor..a specialist know this?

WE are expected to read inserts while paying large amounts of money to specialists for what?  Exactly what are the "professionals" responsible for?  Are there no reprocussions for them and their mistakes?  We have had to pay with our son's life and all of our funds available.....including to them!  This is absurd!

When just anyone can go to college there is no way of knowing who is the expert at what...be it pain management or carpentry.  There should be no shame in having a skill that does not require a college degree...a skill that others could not do degree or not.  There should be no shame in working hard doing back breaking labor to earn a good paycheck to support your family without a college degree...someone has to do it and many of those who are cut out for college wouldn't last a day doing those jobs!

Further why does our govt offer a tax deduction for child care but nothing for families who have a parent who chooses to stay home and raise their children themselves?  A sizeable tax deduction for married couples who have one stay at home parent would encourage neuclear families to try and make it work, would decrease the number of latch key kids, improve the quality of life for families and children and open up good paying jobs for the breadwinners of families.  I know exactly why..he is helping perpetuate the nasty rumors spread by a handful of people, including a sherriff who has no business wearing the uniform, who have no idea what the truth is. He could have just asked.   A BIG reason why we want to move from this area.  That's realy bad when Sheriffs get by with discussing cases in public at all whether they have their facts straight of not and worse yet when a school enables them and turns their back on one of their top honor students and athletes...and athelete who would not have even been in the circumstances he was in were it not for giving the schools team his all.

I miss the days when honesty and integrity were expected and reveered.  Looking back over my lifetime I can't pinpoint exactly when things flip flopped  but they clearly did.  I however can't fight dirty..and if we don't find a lawyer who can help us soon I see only one way I can help my family

Thursday, August 30, 2012

6:00pm

your own home or place of your choicefor the release.

If you have lost a loved one all you need to do to participate is on August 30th tie the appropriate colored balloon(s) in front of your home, attatch a note if you like (especially healing for children) and at 6pm Eastern Central time everyone release their balloon(s) to send to their loved one(s) in Heaven. Colors: Pink-daughter Blue-son Yellow-miscarriage Red-spouse/bf/gf/ significant other Lavender(light purple)-Brother/sister Dark pruple-grandchild Green-Niece/Nephew/cousin Orange-Best friend White-aunt/uncle silver-grandparent Gold-parent Brown-beloved pet